the ring

i can't whistle while i work because i just plain out and out can't whistle. dad used to try to bribe me into whistling with cash, etc, in the same manner that i was prodded onto a bicycle. but it just never worked. my sister beth is the same way--no such luck.

so anyway while i was working around the house i was thinking. i mean, when is anyone not thinking, but kind of quiet focused, what else do i have to get done today thinking. in the bedroom, after a long bout of solitude with just me and the green dusty Comet cleanser vs. the shower stall, i came across the ring dan gave me ages and ages ago, obviously when we were much younger and more idealistic.

it means a lot to me yet, that ring. when i look at it, i'm reminded of being hopeful about life in general, and college, and being on my own for the first time, away from parents and restrictions. it brings me back to bemidji and roommates i didn't know, life in the dorms, and a much more youthful version of the relationship of which i am currently a half.

that ring opened up such a can of worms. dan had sent my parents a letter stating his intentions--kudos to dan, that's risky if anything in my family, and it took guts to do it. no one faces each other about any of the Big Issues. it just doesn't happen. additionally, my parents are stout catholics, and dan is anything but.

not that i consider myself a catholic at this point by any means, but to my parents, i'm still at least a christian. that's a thought for another day.

anyway dan sent this letter and my parents responded with a letter of their own about how there were other fish in the sea, we were young, etc. we bought a ring anyway, our own little show of solidarity, and the shit hit the fan after mom and dad found out. i can still remember all the crying.

for ten years i think i've carried that around with me, the disapproval. i held it like newspaper wrapped around something cherished, put it in a box, and decided not to look back.

over the last few months it's been sitting on one shoulder. my sister got hitched; darin and cathy are engaged. that box of disapproval has moved with me from one house to another, prodded my relationship into strange fits of angst, and lately, been opened up again.

the only cliche that comes to mind is "bad taste in my mouth." i can pattern anything over it--we don't have enough money, i don't want to piss anyone off by doing it my way, etc--but in the end when i opened up that little gray jcpenney box and saw the ring again, a little part of me said, what the hell have you been waiting for? ragnarok? do you want to call dan your husband? do you want to be his wife? you already know the answer. so what's the hold up?

when i shut it i could see what hung over that ring like that cloud following pigpen--the parental glare, the hurt i felt when dad wouldn't talk to me, the constant battering of my extended family as to all the reasons why we should wait. i think i translated that into a real "well, screw you too" mentality. the harder people pushed, the harder i just shut down. today, all i ever hear is "so, when are you going to tie the knot?" and all i can think i, "you know, when *I* wanted to tie the knot, you all were so against it that i didn't do it, just to win back your approval. i lived with dan all this time, kind of my own protest against your shoving."

anyway what i'm getting at is that i really have grown up. a lot of the things that used to bother me when i was younger--hell, they'll always bother me as i age. nothing will ever rub out that feeling of abandonment i had when my parents found out about this ring.

i guess i'm past the denial stage. well into acceptance. i'd like to put that ring back on my finger again; maybe a different ring, maybe the same ring. i'd like to be proud of the relationship i have with dan, and not feel like i'm constantly trying to make up for it, or hide it, from my parents. it's a big step for me, something that i guess i've been given signs about over the last months, but just been too blind to see, or too deaf to hear. or too busy to concentrate on.

maybe i should learn to whistle.