so this morning i log onto my healthcare provider, aetna, to see about getting a counselor. i'd already located one that was in network and just had to, ostensibly, call. there's this nifty link about logging on to view claims, etc. so i log on and view my claims and NONE of my labwork is covered from the last dr's visit.
now i had good healthcare up north; used to be blue cross blue sheild, which covers everything and then some. aetna apparently doesn't work the same way. i should maybe have braced myself. but i didn't because last time i went to the dr it wasn't that bad.
which makes me wonder about the bill in my in box from the hospital; do i pay it or not?
i'm not sure anymore what's making me feel ill. it does make me sick to watch dan jump through all the hoops just to see a psychiatrist, and see the county slowly light said hoops on fire. we're not tigers or lions or bears, to have to show off our paces in order to qualify, are we? it's not fair to treat people who are sick in any manner of the sort.
if you need a fricking band-aid, you don't have to apply for one at the courthouse. same should apply if i need to see a doctor for any reason. i should not have to worry about who is providing the band aid. i should not have to worry about how long it's going to take me to get one--will i bleed out before someone finds one? should i live in fear that the band aid will break my bank account?
i don't want to have to ask for help from a counselor. it's hard enough as it is to think myself into the mantra of "yes, you want to call" when i see the hoops through which others leap, blind and mute. i'm not a reformer, and i'm not a stand-up-and-fighter, but this is getting on my last nerve. i don't want to see any more faces or bills or nameless claims telling me that there's nothing i can do except for suck it up and take it.
when i was a kid in church there was always this big focus at christmas about not having enough room at the inn, and how grateful mary and joseph must have been to have been let in to use the feeding area of the cows and such. i feel like i am witness to this no room at the inn mentality, in modern times. if you need help, there should be no fear and no need for money; someone should have doors that open regardless of your status in the state.
if you can't tell, i've been pissed off about this for days, probably months. ever since dan saw his therapist, and his therapist told him to call the county, and the county told him to see a dr and call the social security administration, and he saw the dr and called the ssn and is still waiting for the county again.
why? what does it do? he needs help NOW, not tomorrow. he needs meds NOW, not three weeks from now. everything we've read indicates that bipolar people do much better in therapy when they are medicated--because it allows them control of their moods, or at least evens them out, enough to make the therapy tools useful. so what's with this ridiculous holding pattern?
i see what he's going through, and i don't even want to start. not because i know i need meds or anything; just because i don't want to have to go through the same rigamarole. in the end, i tell myself that all his trials will be worth it--he will eventually get all the things he needs to put himself together again, and he will be the better for it.
but for the time being, i see him bleeding. i see him being leached away by his inner wounds. there is nothing i can do to help him but stand by and hold gauze onto those wounds and pray that we can stanch them until the government comes around and is able to give him better treatment than this haphazard support structure that's trying to hold him up now.
i think knowing that you are just the structure, that you are part of the crutch but not feeling like you're part of the cure--that's hard. that you're just another toothpick in the barn, just another pebble in the great wall--which apparently is supported by federal laws, if you're bipolar.
where are those laws now? where are they? i want an answer. i want to call someone and say, do you see this man? do you see what his brain is doing to him? do you understand that by taping things in place, you're not damming the river? it's still here, all of it.
so for another weekend we'll sit at home and try to scrape together hope, take our minds off the inevitable delay of monday and the start of the same cycle.
for now, i'll focus on what is good--dan's running a game tonight, i have a good book to read, and if i don't go up to kitchi tomorrow for my dear friend cari's birthday, i'll get to go to the gay pride parade with my friend nathan on sunday. well, actually i'll be at the parade; nathan's marching, proud in a lavender satin cowboy hat. and for now, i'll eat my banana, because i have bananas today, and at least there's that. (:
Friday, June 24, 2005
Saturday, June 18, 2005
quickly
i told dan the other day that sometimes he had to allow me time to catch up to where he was at mentally. sometimes you talk on the phone and arrive home and he's cycled completely in a different direction. it's kind of frustrating, kind of exhilirating, kind of human. today i came downstairs and felt the same way, and dan actually said that sometimes he needs to catch up with the rest of the world too, not always vice versa.
we talked a bit this morning about how therapy is going to change him, how meds might change him, how his approach to dealing with things is going to be what changes most. i finally thought about how my life before dan patterned me for a life with dan--dad was pretty mercurial before he got on blood pressure meds and had heart surgery, and his anger often shaped the way dinner went, etc. i think that the up and down aspect of life with my father created in me the acceptance to deal with people who were just as bipolar as dan is. i think about the rocks i carry in my pockets and how they were formed over millions of years to be just this shape, just this color, just this size, and how over the span of 30 years a human soul can take on much the same form.
i think a lot now about the way that our relationship works--the words we choose, the way we work together and the way we don't, the interactions, the conversations, the delicate dance. part of me wants to rewind and go back and pretend that nothing happened; that's the part of me that is procrastinating calling the therapist, finding out if aetna covers therapy, finding out about anything that might be deemed "progress." the other part of me, the other half, is overjoyed. more than half, really--dan has unearthed a lot of hidden things that needed to see the light of day. but the most precious thing that has been unearthed has been the friendship that we have always had, and the willingness to discuss things.
time has fermented this relationship; we're comfortable with each other enough to actually talk and be honest. for a long, long time we were comfortable with each other, but i am not sure we were entirely honest.
there's sweet and sour with everything in life; sometimes more sour, sometimes more sweet. the sour part of the past 3 weeks has been feeling betrayed by someone's brain chemistry; the sweet has been the comprehension and the understanding that there is a reason. the sour has been realizing that you've been living in some kind of dream world, and that you have to leave it; the sweet has been realizing that the dream world wasn't always a dream, that sometimes it was a nightmare and there is a reason for that nightmare (kind of like eating mexican and then wondering why your belly has turned to fire...) the sour of the past few weeks has been the ups and downs; the sweet is realizing that there is hope.
it's all balanced out by the education. i've done more reading about depression, mania and being bipolar and living with someone who is bipolar, in the last week, than i have in my whole life. right now dan and i are reading simultaneously "a brilliant madness," by patty duke and gloria hochman. thus far we are both giving it 5 stars--one chapter written by patty about how bipolar disorder affected her life, the next by gloria about the medical steps that can be taken and a much more clinical look at things. nothing is written, however, over or under your comprehension level, which is much appreciated because both of us read a ton. definitely recommended.
the education, the knowing--that has been sweet. i can look back and see so many events that came to fruition and caused unknowable pain in our combined past, and pin it on two things--dan's bipolar swings, and my depression. together it's like two addicts, trying to find solace in each other, never stopping the cycle.
the last three weeks have been like shedding clothing i didn't know i had on. i could come up with more metaphors but it's redundant. enough can be said by just saying this: i'm glad, with my soul, that dan finally broke this cycle. i'm glad that by doing so he has turned over a rock and found something immesurably wonderful: himself. i'm glad that by doing so, he's allowed me to search and find myself, and that together in the looking, we've found an honest friendship that i didn't know i was missing as much as i did.
i said this would be quick and so far it has been. i've only been typing a little bit now. i need to go do some laundry and maybe revel a bit in the blue, blue sky.
i've been reading the tao te ching by lao-tzu at night, and it's been comforting in its zen. have to share a spot here. it's all about balance. (: this translation is by stephen mitchell.
36
If you want to shrink something,
you must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
you must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take something,
you must first allow it to be given.
This is called the subtle perception
of the way things are.
The soft overcomes the hard.
The slow overcomes the fast.
Let your workings remain a mystery.
Just show people the results.
we talked a bit this morning about how therapy is going to change him, how meds might change him, how his approach to dealing with things is going to be what changes most. i finally thought about how my life before dan patterned me for a life with dan--dad was pretty mercurial before he got on blood pressure meds and had heart surgery, and his anger often shaped the way dinner went, etc. i think that the up and down aspect of life with my father created in me the acceptance to deal with people who were just as bipolar as dan is. i think about the rocks i carry in my pockets and how they were formed over millions of years to be just this shape, just this color, just this size, and how over the span of 30 years a human soul can take on much the same form.
i think a lot now about the way that our relationship works--the words we choose, the way we work together and the way we don't, the interactions, the conversations, the delicate dance. part of me wants to rewind and go back and pretend that nothing happened; that's the part of me that is procrastinating calling the therapist, finding out if aetna covers therapy, finding out about anything that might be deemed "progress." the other part of me, the other half, is overjoyed. more than half, really--dan has unearthed a lot of hidden things that needed to see the light of day. but the most precious thing that has been unearthed has been the friendship that we have always had, and the willingness to discuss things.
time has fermented this relationship; we're comfortable with each other enough to actually talk and be honest. for a long, long time we were comfortable with each other, but i am not sure we were entirely honest.
there's sweet and sour with everything in life; sometimes more sour, sometimes more sweet. the sour part of the past 3 weeks has been feeling betrayed by someone's brain chemistry; the sweet has been the comprehension and the understanding that there is a reason. the sour has been realizing that you've been living in some kind of dream world, and that you have to leave it; the sweet has been realizing that the dream world wasn't always a dream, that sometimes it was a nightmare and there is a reason for that nightmare (kind of like eating mexican and then wondering why your belly has turned to fire...) the sour of the past few weeks has been the ups and downs; the sweet is realizing that there is hope.
it's all balanced out by the education. i've done more reading about depression, mania and being bipolar and living with someone who is bipolar, in the last week, than i have in my whole life. right now dan and i are reading simultaneously "a brilliant madness," by patty duke and gloria hochman. thus far we are both giving it 5 stars--one chapter written by patty about how bipolar disorder affected her life, the next by gloria about the medical steps that can be taken and a much more clinical look at things. nothing is written, however, over or under your comprehension level, which is much appreciated because both of us read a ton. definitely recommended.
the education, the knowing--that has been sweet. i can look back and see so many events that came to fruition and caused unknowable pain in our combined past, and pin it on two things--dan's bipolar swings, and my depression. together it's like two addicts, trying to find solace in each other, never stopping the cycle.
the last three weeks have been like shedding clothing i didn't know i had on. i could come up with more metaphors but it's redundant. enough can be said by just saying this: i'm glad, with my soul, that dan finally broke this cycle. i'm glad that by doing so he has turned over a rock and found something immesurably wonderful: himself. i'm glad that by doing so, he's allowed me to search and find myself, and that together in the looking, we've found an honest friendship that i didn't know i was missing as much as i did.
i said this would be quick and so far it has been. i've only been typing a little bit now. i need to go do some laundry and maybe revel a bit in the blue, blue sky.
i've been reading the tao te ching by lao-tzu at night, and it's been comforting in its zen. have to share a spot here. it's all about balance. (: this translation is by stephen mitchell.
36
If you want to shrink something,
you must first allow it to expand.
If you want to get rid of something,
you must first allow it to flourish.
If you want to take something,
you must first allow it to be given.
This is called the subtle perception
of the way things are.
The soft overcomes the hard.
The slow overcomes the fast.
Let your workings remain a mystery.
Just show people the results.
Monday, June 13, 2005
hindsight
so dan got a diagnosis today: bipolar disorder I. at least it's a name. i was reminded forcibly of talking to serena about when she was diagnosed with lupus after being sick for so long, and uncomfortable, and finally having a name and an approach to the problem, and the utter sense of relief this brings.
it's not the end of the road; it's finding your spot on the map, and realizing that it's a long way but that there is a way.
since three weeks ago, when dan had his self-professed and therapist-sanctioned "psychotic break," we've known there is an elephant in the house. it was probably mastadon sized. but after a while you just keep averting your eyes and making believe that it's really not there.
now the elephant has a name. probably still won't come when called, or stop pooping in the living room for a long time, but it has a name.
on saturday morning i woke up with this feeling that i had to face the fear and put education on my side, and i searched online for much of the morning for answers to the therapist's original feeling that it was bipolar disorder. i read up until i was nearly bored. and it helped. it helped because even if we weren't sure that this was the exact elephant in the house with us, i could now tell it was an elephant of some kind.
there's a lot of work to be done. a lot of demons to face and a ton of issues to resolve, or heal, or learn to live with. but it's a start, and that's all i can ask. at this point i just want dan to be healthy, and me, and hope that the start we have taken--naming this moody elephant--will put us on a track to being more healthy and living a life that we want to live, separate or together.
i can look back on the lives we've lived thus far and see where the breakdown was, all the times we stared at each other between the legs of this gray goliath and thought we had reached comprehension and understanding. i can look back and say that i wish this had happened years ago, because it would have freed up our lives and our feelings much sooner. i've communicated better with dan since that thursday than i think i ever have. i know i've said it before, but it's the truth. i've always wanted this honesty; i guess i just never knew how to both ask for it and demand it and value it.
hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. the elephant has always been in the room.
i think i'll name mine "imelda."
it's not the end of the road; it's finding your spot on the map, and realizing that it's a long way but that there is a way.
since three weeks ago, when dan had his self-professed and therapist-sanctioned "psychotic break," we've known there is an elephant in the house. it was probably mastadon sized. but after a while you just keep averting your eyes and making believe that it's really not there.
now the elephant has a name. probably still won't come when called, or stop pooping in the living room for a long time, but it has a name.
on saturday morning i woke up with this feeling that i had to face the fear and put education on my side, and i searched online for much of the morning for answers to the therapist's original feeling that it was bipolar disorder. i read up until i was nearly bored. and it helped. it helped because even if we weren't sure that this was the exact elephant in the house with us, i could now tell it was an elephant of some kind.
there's a lot of work to be done. a lot of demons to face and a ton of issues to resolve, or heal, or learn to live with. but it's a start, and that's all i can ask. at this point i just want dan to be healthy, and me, and hope that the start we have taken--naming this moody elephant--will put us on a track to being more healthy and living a life that we want to live, separate or together.
i can look back on the lives we've lived thus far and see where the breakdown was, all the times we stared at each other between the legs of this gray goliath and thought we had reached comprehension and understanding. i can look back and say that i wish this had happened years ago, because it would have freed up our lives and our feelings much sooner. i've communicated better with dan since that thursday than i think i ever have. i know i've said it before, but it's the truth. i've always wanted this honesty; i guess i just never knew how to both ask for it and demand it and value it.
hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. the elephant has always been in the room.
i think i'll name mine "imelda."
Saturday, June 11, 2005
patience
they say it's a virtue
but i can't see how it can be
i'm tired of waiting and waiting
of the apathy that i see as patience
i want to do
something
for you
that will lift or support
much in the manner of my own beloved
bra
but my hands are tied
by fear.
***
so it's saturday and dan's at a temp job that is boring beyond belief. i understand boring (serena, you'll recall with me RUST) and i understand temporary (my sister sara and i worked cleaning apartments for two weeks one time) and i understand the need for money. i am trying very hard to be supportive and not be judgmental, but sometimes it becomes difficult. i dislike walking around my own house on eggshells--but that is the state of the union and eventually i will become used to it, and it won't bother me.
which is my greatest fear.
i don't want to be numb. i want dan to have something positive to hang onto. i want him to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there are things to hang onto, and i understand that right now he's not seeing it because it's buried. i just need some support too--and this job is going to help out, even minutely. he is seeing it as a nail in the coffin of failure; i'm seeing it as a reprieve, even momentary, of the amounts of money i see going out of my account to feed us.
of course, he's not eating much right now, so it's not that large of a dent, i suppose.
the mental health center isn't open on saturdays, so i am unable once again to make an appointment until monday. i'm hoping to set aside some time on monday morning to actually call, but i know that i need to get into work fairly early in order to catch up on last week. i've been so unfocused at work lately, so uncaring about the output that i'm creating, or rather lack thereof, that i've created more work for myself. now it's time for damage control, i suppose.
anyway, i'm off to make my kitchen floor shine... (;
but i can't see how it can be
i'm tired of waiting and waiting
of the apathy that i see as patience
i want to do
something
for you
that will lift or support
much in the manner of my own beloved
bra
but my hands are tied
by fear.
***
so it's saturday and dan's at a temp job that is boring beyond belief. i understand boring (serena, you'll recall with me RUST) and i understand temporary (my sister sara and i worked cleaning apartments for two weeks one time) and i understand the need for money. i am trying very hard to be supportive and not be judgmental, but sometimes it becomes difficult. i dislike walking around my own house on eggshells--but that is the state of the union and eventually i will become used to it, and it won't bother me.
which is my greatest fear.
i don't want to be numb. i want dan to have something positive to hang onto. i want him to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there are things to hang onto, and i understand that right now he's not seeing it because it's buried. i just need some support too--and this job is going to help out, even minutely. he is seeing it as a nail in the coffin of failure; i'm seeing it as a reprieve, even momentary, of the amounts of money i see going out of my account to feed us.
of course, he's not eating much right now, so it's not that large of a dent, i suppose.
the mental health center isn't open on saturdays, so i am unable once again to make an appointment until monday. i'm hoping to set aside some time on monday morning to actually call, but i know that i need to get into work fairly early in order to catch up on last week. i've been so unfocused at work lately, so uncaring about the output that i'm creating, or rather lack thereof, that i've created more work for myself. now it's time for damage control, i suppose.
anyway, i'm off to make my kitchen floor shine... (;
Monday, June 06, 2005
topsy turvy
our friend darin tells this awful joke about these two horses in this field, topsy and turvy. i'm not going to go into it because it's long, it's boring, and in the ten years i've known darin, i've heard it about three thousand times. or so.
but the name does describe how things are going.
topsy. and turvy.
today was better than most have been recently. dan was in a good mood, and that makes life a bit easier. i have to admit it. i'm always worried because i don't know what kind of mood he will be in, and his mood dictates the moods of those around him. i try hard, for the most part, to zen myself into a place that doesn't allow me to be affected by the waves he creates around himself. but a lot of time it's beyond me to escape those waves. i hold out hope and i have faith in that the therapist he sees will give him tools he can use in his life to make it easier on him, to make his hurts not so bad, to make life livable and likeable again. i also hope that the therapist i see will be able to do the same for me--maybe give me tools that will help motivate me into finishing my degree, looking for a new occupation, moving towards owning a home, etc.
there has to be a better way. something that is less like living on a slip n' slide and more along the lines of a pretty carousel or something akin. right?
it makes it easier to know that you are not alone, that there is hope and that there are other people out there who are both willing to help and at the same time going through issues that are like the ones i am facing, or dan is, or anyone. it give me something to look forward to. today was such a good day. it gives me hope that days in the future can be like this, that there is beauty in the leftovers of whatever it is that is happening.
i cling to the quote from delenn, about how growth happens but there is pain. sometimes there has to be pain. sometimes there has to be sorrow and hurt, in order for joy to taste so good, in order for hope to be so fragile.
i think there is. maybe. i'm hoping. will keep you posted. for now i'll paste some khalil gibran in here because he merits exploration, and because his words really do apply:
from The Prophet: On Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
but the name does describe how things are going.
topsy. and turvy.
today was better than most have been recently. dan was in a good mood, and that makes life a bit easier. i have to admit it. i'm always worried because i don't know what kind of mood he will be in, and his mood dictates the moods of those around him. i try hard, for the most part, to zen myself into a place that doesn't allow me to be affected by the waves he creates around himself. but a lot of time it's beyond me to escape those waves. i hold out hope and i have faith in that the therapist he sees will give him tools he can use in his life to make it easier on him, to make his hurts not so bad, to make life livable and likeable again. i also hope that the therapist i see will be able to do the same for me--maybe give me tools that will help motivate me into finishing my degree, looking for a new occupation, moving towards owning a home, etc.
there has to be a better way. something that is less like living on a slip n' slide and more along the lines of a pretty carousel or something akin. right?
it makes it easier to know that you are not alone, that there is hope and that there are other people out there who are both willing to help and at the same time going through issues that are like the ones i am facing, or dan is, or anyone. it give me something to look forward to. today was such a good day. it gives me hope that days in the future can be like this, that there is beauty in the leftovers of whatever it is that is happening.
i cling to the quote from delenn, about how growth happens but there is pain. sometimes there has to be pain. sometimes there has to be sorrow and hurt, in order for joy to taste so good, in order for hope to be so fragile.
i think there is. maybe. i'm hoping. will keep you posted. for now i'll paste some khalil gibran in here because he merits exploration, and because his words really do apply:
from The Prophet: On Joy and Sorrow
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
Saturday, June 04, 2005
the good, the bad, and the unfocused...
nathan wrote the other day about breaking the lens on his camera, and how he was trying to get used to the new lens and how it affected his picture taking.
i'm feeling about the same way.
the lens through which i viewed life for a very long time has been blurred. it's cracked. it affects everything that i see. rose tinted and sharp, it's overly critical and unfocused. can a lens be confused? or can it just confuse?
i'm not sure.
in the end, the reality is that i need a new one. it feels like dan does, too. the way we look at the world has become skewed, and so has the way we look at each other. it feels like forever until monday, when i can find out who my insurance covers in order for me to see someone about my situation, and i know dan is in the same boat. you just want the time to go by so that you know where you're going to end up.
i'm going to go all geeky in analogies, here: it's like playing WoW online, and having lag. you don't know where you're going to end up. all you can see is this big gray or blue or brown splotch and you're stuck there until the system catches up to you. you're not sure, the whole time you're waiting, if you're going to un-lag and be underwater, or un-lag and be where you want to be. or perhaps the question isn't that you're where you want to be, just that you're somewhere.
i can look at a map and tell you where i'd like to go, to visit. i can think about the media i own and tell you what i want to hear or read or work on. i have a vague idea of where i want to be in 5 years. but i want the 5 years to be done now, so i can see if i'm there.
rice is in the steamer; we're supposed to be having teryaki beef but dan's out for the count upstairs, and after the day--work this morning after very little sleep, trying to rummage sale and getting downpoured on, slogging back to car and driving home to change, hitting the grocery store--i'm tired too. every cell in my body feels somewhat dehydrated and sleepy.
and my rose tinted vision of life, albeit slanted and messy with fingerprints from trying to fix it, is now fogged with nap-page.
i'm feeling about the same way.
the lens through which i viewed life for a very long time has been blurred. it's cracked. it affects everything that i see. rose tinted and sharp, it's overly critical and unfocused. can a lens be confused? or can it just confuse?
i'm not sure.
in the end, the reality is that i need a new one. it feels like dan does, too. the way we look at the world has become skewed, and so has the way we look at each other. it feels like forever until monday, when i can find out who my insurance covers in order for me to see someone about my situation, and i know dan is in the same boat. you just want the time to go by so that you know where you're going to end up.
i'm going to go all geeky in analogies, here: it's like playing WoW online, and having lag. you don't know where you're going to end up. all you can see is this big gray or blue or brown splotch and you're stuck there until the system catches up to you. you're not sure, the whole time you're waiting, if you're going to un-lag and be underwater, or un-lag and be where you want to be. or perhaps the question isn't that you're where you want to be, just that you're somewhere.
i can look at a map and tell you where i'd like to go, to visit. i can think about the media i own and tell you what i want to hear or read or work on. i have a vague idea of where i want to be in 5 years. but i want the 5 years to be done now, so i can see if i'm there.
rice is in the steamer; we're supposed to be having teryaki beef but dan's out for the count upstairs, and after the day--work this morning after very little sleep, trying to rummage sale and getting downpoured on, slogging back to car and driving home to change, hitting the grocery store--i'm tired too. every cell in my body feels somewhat dehydrated and sleepy.
and my rose tinted vision of life, albeit slanted and messy with fingerprints from trying to fix it, is now fogged with nap-page.
Wednesday, June 01, 2005
short post
my shins hurt. guess i've been overstriding when i walk. that or i need new shoes. may have to experiment and do something about the shoes. maybe watch my strides, too. i know where the overstriding comes from: walking with tall people. (;
on a related shoe note, my beloved sister sara got my birks back. they'd been at a shoe repair place since last fall, after something happened and the cork outgrew the sole. they've been done being fixed for a while, but i kept forgetting to pick them up.
so monday we go up to sara's and dad is all excited about showing me his belly (which looks better, but also looks like he got the rough end of the bar fight, lots of bruising) and also that he'd made potatoes for dinner. i was like, whatever, okay, proud of you, good on ya, etc. there's a turkey roaster on the table and i know my mouth started watering at the thought of tasty taters. we chat for a while and finally sara takes the top of the turkey roaster off--and there are my sandals!!! she apparently had a pair of her own shoes in for fixing and asked if he had any birks left, or if he sold them if no one came to pick them up. the shoe repair guru said that other shoes he'd sell, but birks he kept because someone always comes back for their birks.
which is the truth. birks fit like no shoe i have ever worn--they're formed to my feet and i never get tired of walking when i've got my birks on.
unfortunately, they're not designed for exercise walking.
but hiking, wandering, exploring--birks keep your feet happy and that keeps the rest of your legs happy, which helps your hips, and your spine...so on and so forth.
so my feet, the base of operations, have been overjoyed since monday.
(; thank you, fast eddie, god of shoe repair, and waiter for slow birk wear-ers. and thank you sister sara!!!
on a related shoe note, my beloved sister sara got my birks back. they'd been at a shoe repair place since last fall, after something happened and the cork outgrew the sole. they've been done being fixed for a while, but i kept forgetting to pick them up.
so monday we go up to sara's and dad is all excited about showing me his belly (which looks better, but also looks like he got the rough end of the bar fight, lots of bruising) and also that he'd made potatoes for dinner. i was like, whatever, okay, proud of you, good on ya, etc. there's a turkey roaster on the table and i know my mouth started watering at the thought of tasty taters. we chat for a while and finally sara takes the top of the turkey roaster off--and there are my sandals!!! she apparently had a pair of her own shoes in for fixing and asked if he had any birks left, or if he sold them if no one came to pick them up. the shoe repair guru said that other shoes he'd sell, but birks he kept because someone always comes back for their birks.
which is the truth. birks fit like no shoe i have ever worn--they're formed to my feet and i never get tired of walking when i've got my birks on.
unfortunately, they're not designed for exercise walking.
but hiking, wandering, exploring--birks keep your feet happy and that keeps the rest of your legs happy, which helps your hips, and your spine...so on and so forth.
so my feet, the base of operations, have been overjoyed since monday.
(; thank you, fast eddie, god of shoe repair, and waiter for slow birk wear-ers. and thank you sister sara!!!
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