Not sure what the deal is. Maybe a slight case of cabin fever. ? Unsure. Just know that I'm feeling eminently distracted by life in general right now. No focus tonight.
Here I was all excited yesterday about having passed a Big Milestone in my writing life: I got past the 100 page mark. Yay. However, the story is losing interest for me. I don't want to have to wrap up all my loose ends, and I have no idea of what I'm going to do with it next. It reminds me of my first afghan knitting experience. Halfway through stitch number 900, Serena asked me what I was making, and I was like, I have noooooooooooo idea. No pattern, no reason to it--just this giant jumble of stitches and yarns and voila! It's a something.
And that's how my story is panning out. I am finally understanding why people outline before they write. But I have a difficult time doing so. When I was in college, or maybe it was high school...dunno. Anyway back in the day when I had to write essays and they had to have an outline, I'd write the essay and THEN write up the outline of what I'd written, rather than have to stick to any sort of planned out ending.
However, as I told Dan yesterday, I am now comprehending the beauty of an outline. Things might actually get finished in my book as opposed to getting to the end and then just running into a giant wall, one that I actually built in the beginning of the story. I'm also having a hard time maintaining the same voice.
I think I need to find an outside writing group. Someone who will read this and give me feedback. It's just odd to think that I'm out of college and NOW am needing an objective and very critical opinion of something long, unweildy, and never before attempted by This Chick.
I mean, honestly. In college and out, the longest thing I've contrived before was like 60 some pages, and I had the same problem eventually with that one--the creative grant that funded the pages ran out, and my inner author was like, Well, screw that shit, let's do something else.
*sigh*
So tonight I sat down, on page 104, with every intention of doing some serious typing, and everything but everything is distracting me.
Maybe I should run to the grocery store, just real quick, and pick up another jug of milk.
Maybe I should find a book to read. Maybe go to the bookstore to do so.
Maybe play with the cat, who's been woefully lonely from the looks of it?
Maybe think about something for dinner tomorrow?
Maybe check email?
Too much, too many things. Everything in my world is bright and shiny and windchime in nature--look, over there! It's noisy!
Earlier today I had the beginnings of a migraine. Those usually signal to me that I'm either overtired or stressed--either way, I need to slow down and nap, or rest, or meditate, something that will bring relaxation to my shoulder region. I get this flashing light thing in one eyeball, and it moves like an oilslick on pavement, and I can't tear my eyes away from it. Often it's triggered by bright lights, glare on something, aggravated by the earlier mentioned lack of sleep, etc. If I take ibuprofen it goes away; if I don't, it makes me queasy and eventually leads to a killer headache as I can't walk properly, get dizzy, the whole nine yards.
I think my job is a contributing factor to this.
Anyway the ibuprofen cleared things up and I was able to actually look at my computer screen and not see a giant flickering rainbow amoeba. At the end of the day, as I was leaving, my mgr approached me about my friend S who moved inter-company to CO. He was all concerned about if she liked ADP, etc. I wanted to tell the truth and say, well, who does like it right now? But I just stuck with the obvious and it sounds like if they can, they'll remote her in as another CSR.
Which is fine, in the long run. The bummer is that he's so concerned with someone who lives out of state, who left the region, and has no idea of the stress level of the people in our region--people are verging on dropping like flies, with all the calls, all the newbies, and year end approaching. It's nice that he's worried, it'd be GREAT!!! to work with S again and even better to have another rep helping out, but at the same time, I wish he'd walk around and get a feel for what is going on daily in our region.
Tomorrow I do get to take a longer lunch and test drive a car over lunch. Dan's going to meet me and we'll drive over from there. And then on Thursday it's D Fong's night, in addition to having dinner with my good friend Rene, who's down from the Vortex for a few days on work related stuff. And Burt's back from Nepal, too.
Can you hear the ants? Dear god, I'm just tired. Maybe that's the problem. I think I need a day or two just to unwind and not think about work and how terrible it's been lately, focus on something less complex than a banana.
Slightly off topic but I did get to tromp through the woods on Sunday and it felt ever so nice. A little nervous because I'm paranoid, but it was nice to just have me and my boots and camera, out in the snow. The only crappy pants part about it was I could still hear planes. Poopy.
Also: a new favorite cuss word: Pumpkinfucker. It's just so...wholesome.
Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Friday, November 26, 2004
5 Things I Should Be Doing Right Now...
1. Looking for a new car.
2. Eating something healthier than cookie dough.
3. Doing yoga and/or checking my bill due dates.
4. Cleaning up dishes in the kitchen.
5. Working on that never ending story I've typed.
So on to 5 Things I've Done Instead...
1. Checked ALL my email.
2. Checked my message board.
3. Checked blogs.
4. Finished a cheesy romance novel, and I mean CHEESY. This was nearing the point of Velveeta, right up a step from Cheez Whiz, but not into E-z Cheez.
5. Getting distracted by the flashing cursor.
I am an excercise in procrastination lately. When I say that I say it with gusto; I'm well aware of my lack of giddy-up, and make a note daily to myself that I really have a lot to get accomplished.
And then I reach for the comfort of a book that will make me smile and life's said and done, and I can hearken back to the Victorian age and men who are ruggedly handsome, wickedly sexy, well-spoken, sandalwood-scented and accomplished horsemen. Yum.
You know how sometimes you crave crap that you know is horrible for you? Like the aforementioned cookie dough. I go through bouts of conscience during which I read things that are considered nice and literary--Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club, or some well written fantasy, etc. And then I go in jags where I crave Lady Edna and her dashing saviour-on-a-barely-rideable-black-stallion, Sir Frank, and all the smut that entails.
It's like a guilty pleasure to find a romance novel that's well written and amusing, and doesn't have so much graphic explanation that I blush. So for the moment, allow me to tout my latest guilt trip, Julia Quinn. She has good grammar, simplistic and believable plots, and characters that make me laugh out loud.
Talk about escapism. This is worse than craving chocolate one time a month.
In the same breath, I've got a pile of books about two feet high building up by my bed, which includes all kinds of stuff other than her.
I may be in denial. But that's on my list of 5 Things I Have To Do Saturday...
1. Face reality.
2. Test drive at least one car.
3. Drop off accumulated stuff at the thrift store.
4. Bake a cake for girly craft night.
5. Find something else to read so I don't feel so...dirty. But it's dirty in a good way, right? Yeah.
2. Eating something healthier than cookie dough.
3. Doing yoga and/or checking my bill due dates.
4. Cleaning up dishes in the kitchen.
5. Working on that never ending story I've typed.
So on to 5 Things I've Done Instead...
1. Checked ALL my email.
2. Checked my message board.
3. Checked blogs.
4. Finished a cheesy romance novel, and I mean CHEESY. This was nearing the point of Velveeta, right up a step from Cheez Whiz, but not into E-z Cheez.
5. Getting distracted by the flashing cursor.
I am an excercise in procrastination lately. When I say that I say it with gusto; I'm well aware of my lack of giddy-up, and make a note daily to myself that I really have a lot to get accomplished.
And then I reach for the comfort of a book that will make me smile and life's said and done, and I can hearken back to the Victorian age and men who are ruggedly handsome, wickedly sexy, well-spoken, sandalwood-scented and accomplished horsemen. Yum.
You know how sometimes you crave crap that you know is horrible for you? Like the aforementioned cookie dough. I go through bouts of conscience during which I read things that are considered nice and literary--Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club, or some well written fantasy, etc. And then I go in jags where I crave Lady Edna and her dashing saviour-on-a-barely-rideable-black-stallion, Sir Frank, and all the smut that entails.
It's like a guilty pleasure to find a romance novel that's well written and amusing, and doesn't have so much graphic explanation that I blush. So for the moment, allow me to tout my latest guilt trip, Julia Quinn. She has good grammar, simplistic and believable plots, and characters that make me laugh out loud.
Talk about escapism. This is worse than craving chocolate one time a month.
In the same breath, I've got a pile of books about two feet high building up by my bed, which includes all kinds of stuff other than her.
I may be in denial. But that's on my list of 5 Things I Have To Do Saturday...
1. Face reality.
2. Test drive at least one car.
3. Drop off accumulated stuff at the thrift store.
4. Bake a cake for girly craft night.
5. Find something else to read so I don't feel so...dirty. But it's dirty in a good way, right? Yeah.
Sunday, November 21, 2004
I am so thirsty for the marvelous
"I am an excitable person who only understands life lyrically, musically, in whom feelings are much stronger as reason. I am so thirsty for the marvelous that only the marvelous has power over me. Anything I can not transform into something marvelous, I let go. Reality doesn't impress me. I only believe in intoxication, in ecstasy, and when ordinary life shackles me, I escape, one way or another. No more walls."
Anais Nin
Anais Nin
Saturday, November 20, 2004
the ring
i can't whistle while i work because i just plain out and out can't whistle. dad used to try to bribe me into whistling with cash, etc, in the same manner that i was prodded onto a bicycle. but it just never worked. my sister beth is the same way--no such luck.
so anyway while i was working around the house i was thinking. i mean, when is anyone not thinking, but kind of quiet focused, what else do i have to get done today thinking. in the bedroom, after a long bout of solitude with just me and the green dusty Comet cleanser vs. the shower stall, i came across the ring dan gave me ages and ages ago, obviously when we were much younger and more idealistic.
it means a lot to me yet, that ring. when i look at it, i'm reminded of being hopeful about life in general, and college, and being on my own for the first time, away from parents and restrictions. it brings me back to bemidji and roommates i didn't know, life in the dorms, and a much more youthful version of the relationship of which i am currently a half.
that ring opened up such a can of worms. dan had sent my parents a letter stating his intentions--kudos to dan, that's risky if anything in my family, and it took guts to do it. no one faces each other about any of the Big Issues. it just doesn't happen. additionally, my parents are stout catholics, and dan is anything but.
not that i consider myself a catholic at this point by any means, but to my parents, i'm still at least a christian. that's a thought for another day.
anyway dan sent this letter and my parents responded with a letter of their own about how there were other fish in the sea, we were young, etc. we bought a ring anyway, our own little show of solidarity, and the shit hit the fan after mom and dad found out. i can still remember all the crying.
for ten years i think i've carried that around with me, the disapproval. i held it like newspaper wrapped around something cherished, put it in a box, and decided not to look back.
over the last few months it's been sitting on one shoulder. my sister got hitched; darin and cathy are engaged. that box of disapproval has moved with me from one house to another, prodded my relationship into strange fits of angst, and lately, been opened up again.
the only cliche that comes to mind is "bad taste in my mouth." i can pattern anything over it--we don't have enough money, i don't want to piss anyone off by doing it my way, etc--but in the end when i opened up that little gray jcpenney box and saw the ring again, a little part of me said, what the hell have you been waiting for? ragnarok? do you want to call dan your husband? do you want to be his wife? you already know the answer. so what's the hold up?
when i shut it i could see what hung over that ring like that cloud following pigpen--the parental glare, the hurt i felt when dad wouldn't talk to me, the constant battering of my extended family as to all the reasons why we should wait. i think i translated that into a real "well, screw you too" mentality. the harder people pushed, the harder i just shut down. today, all i ever hear is "so, when are you going to tie the knot?" and all i can think i, "you know, when *I* wanted to tie the knot, you all were so against it that i didn't do it, just to win back your approval. i lived with dan all this time, kind of my own protest against your shoving."
anyway what i'm getting at is that i really have grown up. a lot of the things that used to bother me when i was younger--hell, they'll always bother me as i age. nothing will ever rub out that feeling of abandonment i had when my parents found out about this ring.
i guess i'm past the denial stage. well into acceptance. i'd like to put that ring back on my finger again; maybe a different ring, maybe the same ring. i'd like to be proud of the relationship i have with dan, and not feel like i'm constantly trying to make up for it, or hide it, from my parents. it's a big step for me, something that i guess i've been given signs about over the last months, but just been too blind to see, or too deaf to hear. or too busy to concentrate on.
maybe i should learn to whistle.
so anyway while i was working around the house i was thinking. i mean, when is anyone not thinking, but kind of quiet focused, what else do i have to get done today thinking. in the bedroom, after a long bout of solitude with just me and the green dusty Comet cleanser vs. the shower stall, i came across the ring dan gave me ages and ages ago, obviously when we were much younger and more idealistic.
it means a lot to me yet, that ring. when i look at it, i'm reminded of being hopeful about life in general, and college, and being on my own for the first time, away from parents and restrictions. it brings me back to bemidji and roommates i didn't know, life in the dorms, and a much more youthful version of the relationship of which i am currently a half.
that ring opened up such a can of worms. dan had sent my parents a letter stating his intentions--kudos to dan, that's risky if anything in my family, and it took guts to do it. no one faces each other about any of the Big Issues. it just doesn't happen. additionally, my parents are stout catholics, and dan is anything but.
not that i consider myself a catholic at this point by any means, but to my parents, i'm still at least a christian. that's a thought for another day.
anyway dan sent this letter and my parents responded with a letter of their own about how there were other fish in the sea, we were young, etc. we bought a ring anyway, our own little show of solidarity, and the shit hit the fan after mom and dad found out. i can still remember all the crying.
for ten years i think i've carried that around with me, the disapproval. i held it like newspaper wrapped around something cherished, put it in a box, and decided not to look back.
over the last few months it's been sitting on one shoulder. my sister got hitched; darin and cathy are engaged. that box of disapproval has moved with me from one house to another, prodded my relationship into strange fits of angst, and lately, been opened up again.
the only cliche that comes to mind is "bad taste in my mouth." i can pattern anything over it--we don't have enough money, i don't want to piss anyone off by doing it my way, etc--but in the end when i opened up that little gray jcpenney box and saw the ring again, a little part of me said, what the hell have you been waiting for? ragnarok? do you want to call dan your husband? do you want to be his wife? you already know the answer. so what's the hold up?
when i shut it i could see what hung over that ring like that cloud following pigpen--the parental glare, the hurt i felt when dad wouldn't talk to me, the constant battering of my extended family as to all the reasons why we should wait. i think i translated that into a real "well, screw you too" mentality. the harder people pushed, the harder i just shut down. today, all i ever hear is "so, when are you going to tie the knot?" and all i can think i, "you know, when *I* wanted to tie the knot, you all were so against it that i didn't do it, just to win back your approval. i lived with dan all this time, kind of my own protest against your shoving."
anyway what i'm getting at is that i really have grown up. a lot of the things that used to bother me when i was younger--hell, they'll always bother me as i age. nothing will ever rub out that feeling of abandonment i had when my parents found out about this ring.
i guess i'm past the denial stage. well into acceptance. i'd like to put that ring back on my finger again; maybe a different ring, maybe the same ring. i'd like to be proud of the relationship i have with dan, and not feel like i'm constantly trying to make up for it, or hide it, from my parents. it's a big step for me, something that i guess i've been given signs about over the last months, but just been too blind to see, or too deaf to hear. or too busy to concentrate on.
maybe i should learn to whistle.
gray skies, empty birdfeeder
time to clean house.
i'm not looking forward to this for two reasons.
one, i really ought to wait and clean tomorrow, and car shop today. but it's so gray out, and just unappealing when i add car salesmen to the mix, that i'm finding myself regarding leaving the house as some type of root canal or related nasty.
two, i'm having that girly time of the month, and it has sapped me of all energy and viv. i'm sure after cleaning and showering and getting my house in order, i'll be better. cripes, after moving closets around the other day and now finally having my clothing in order again (knock on wood that the closet stays in the closet) life has a sunnier outlook. i can actually *find* clothing. yay me.
anyway, between the two things listed above, my bathrooms will get cleaned and probably the upstairs bedroom will get reorganized, which isn't a bad thing, i suppose.
thank you for the card, sara! i got it yesterday and it's ever so nifty! i have one around here to send to you...but good luck on sifting through to locate said paper. LOL i'm sure i'll find it later today and then can toss it in the mail. mail! yikes! car payment due. crap-o-la. once again i'm sure it'll be late. i don't know how on earth the 21st of the month can sneak up on me so fast. it feels like i just, literally JUST paid this stinker. on the bright side, i only have like two payments left and lupe is paid off.
which would be nice except for the fact that she's like a tinker toy right now, and hopefully i'll have a new car sooner than later.
anyway, insert self motivation here, i'm off to see the wizard. the wonderful wizard of Fantastik.
i'm not looking forward to this for two reasons.
one, i really ought to wait and clean tomorrow, and car shop today. but it's so gray out, and just unappealing when i add car salesmen to the mix, that i'm finding myself regarding leaving the house as some type of root canal or related nasty.
two, i'm having that girly time of the month, and it has sapped me of all energy and viv. i'm sure after cleaning and showering and getting my house in order, i'll be better. cripes, after moving closets around the other day and now finally having my clothing in order again (knock on wood that the closet stays in the closet) life has a sunnier outlook. i can actually *find* clothing. yay me.
anyway, between the two things listed above, my bathrooms will get cleaned and probably the upstairs bedroom will get reorganized, which isn't a bad thing, i suppose.
thank you for the card, sara! i got it yesterday and it's ever so nifty! i have one around here to send to you...but good luck on sifting through to locate said paper. LOL i'm sure i'll find it later today and then can toss it in the mail. mail! yikes! car payment due. crap-o-la. once again i'm sure it'll be late. i don't know how on earth the 21st of the month can sneak up on me so fast. it feels like i just, literally JUST paid this stinker. on the bright side, i only have like two payments left and lupe is paid off.
which would be nice except for the fact that she's like a tinker toy right now, and hopefully i'll have a new car sooner than later.
anyway, insert self motivation here, i'm off to see the wizard. the wonderful wizard of Fantastik.
Tuesday, November 16, 2004
short...
I'm feeling pretty small today. Was doing okay at work, busier than you can shake a stick at, and more work piling up, but I was doing okay.
I got home, found out that Dan has gone over my transcripts (which I turned in a while ago after the dean of arts and letters at bsu told me to) to discover that I'm short.
One credit.
*sigh*
I always have brushed off my degree as I do most of the rest of the important things in life: who cares? I will have the same job, the same life, with or without the degree. Yeah, it'd be nice, but honestly.
When I found out that I could still get it, this little elated wee beastie stood up and roared, happily, for a few days. Dan helped me send in the plans. To find out that I didn't have enough credits, even after how many years of pushing this aside--I feel like those tomatoes you see on the floor at the grocery store, stepped on a few too many times but still retaining some kind of shape.
With the whole Jed thing going on too, I am having difficulty focusing. I need to get a thousand things done, and I just keep obsessing. At the same time I don't want to go over my transcripts myself, because I don't want to find that I only have 191 anyway, and I don't want to insult Dan by redoing his work. At the same time, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea, because two sets of eyeballs are better than one.
I'm just kind of crushed, in a very surprised type of way. I guess part of me thought, damn, I could actually *finish* something. Me, the procrastinator, could complete.
Like most things lately I'm reaching too far into the closet, and just a bit too short to actually get anything out.
I got home, found out that Dan has gone over my transcripts (which I turned in a while ago after the dean of arts and letters at bsu told me to) to discover that I'm short.
One credit.
*sigh*
I always have brushed off my degree as I do most of the rest of the important things in life: who cares? I will have the same job, the same life, with or without the degree. Yeah, it'd be nice, but honestly.
When I found out that I could still get it, this little elated wee beastie stood up and roared, happily, for a few days. Dan helped me send in the plans. To find out that I didn't have enough credits, even after how many years of pushing this aside--I feel like those tomatoes you see on the floor at the grocery store, stepped on a few too many times but still retaining some kind of shape.
With the whole Jed thing going on too, I am having difficulty focusing. I need to get a thousand things done, and I just keep obsessing. At the same time I don't want to go over my transcripts myself, because I don't want to find that I only have 191 anyway, and I don't want to insult Dan by redoing his work. At the same time, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea, because two sets of eyeballs are better than one.
I'm just kind of crushed, in a very surprised type of way. I guess part of me thought, damn, I could actually *finish* something. Me, the procrastinator, could complete.
Like most things lately I'm reaching too far into the closet, and just a bit too short to actually get anything out.
Monday, November 15, 2004
lost: one creative wellspring
i've been feeling kind of empty lately, the empty i know i'm exploring when i bury myself in a book and/or craft project to the extent that i actually start worrying about it ending, because then i'll have to step outside the box and think about either a) what i'm going to do next or b) why on earth i'm feeling so watery.
is it because i'm a pisces? that could explain a few items, i'm sure.
it just seems to be ingrained in my flesh to wish-wash about life in general. i'm the gray spot, i'm dusk, i'm dawn, i'm fog and i'm sundogs. just in the corner of your eye, giggling, never taking up too much space if i can avoid it.
i often get the feeling that i have absorbed myself into myself. this brings me to the point at which i wonder why i can't get anything done, and if i'm so terribly self absorbed that i've become a true and utter *gasp* BITCH.
i mean, i do feel slightly pms-y today, and yesterday, and the day before. i'm almost positive that in the next week the moon will pull my tides right on out, and i'll be in full blown P.M.S., and painful to be around, let alone live with.
i am my very own annoying roommate. sorry, all.
anyway, back to the empty portion of the evening. so yesterday i reached this girly low spot when i could not get the dvd player upstairs to work (kept fuzzing out, i had sound but just a big blue screen where Shrek was supposed to be) so i gave up and turned on my happy little cd player...which started skipping the cd. the camel's back was broken beyond chiropractic repair. everything i'd been coiling inside of me, like a garden hose for winter, kind of uncoiled and flexed and was like, just get the freakin' kleenex, a pen, and your notebook. i did a bit of writing and of course, just when i'm thinking that i've got nothing left to spill onto paper, poetry runneth over.
it makes me feel better when i'm able to put words down on paper like that. nothing is quite as cathartic for me. except walking in the woods, but i've only got sat and sun to do so, and i kind of wasted the weekend hiding from car salesmen and the possibility of having to push back when looking at vehicles.
all in all it turned out to be a good weekend. i really needed to get that nasty monkey off my back, and i'm a weeper, so that'll do it. i also found a new book i've been enjoying the hell out of: kate collins' "mum's the word." quite fun. i'll have to ship it out to you, serena, after my sisters go through it.
anyway, i'm off to clean up the current craft project of the month. i can't tell what it is because it's someone's christmas present and i refuse to spill beans. (; i hope you'll like it, s--nuff said.
grins all -- k (:
is it because i'm a pisces? that could explain a few items, i'm sure.
it just seems to be ingrained in my flesh to wish-wash about life in general. i'm the gray spot, i'm dusk, i'm dawn, i'm fog and i'm sundogs. just in the corner of your eye, giggling, never taking up too much space if i can avoid it.
i often get the feeling that i have absorbed myself into myself. this brings me to the point at which i wonder why i can't get anything done, and if i'm so terribly self absorbed that i've become a true and utter *gasp* BITCH.
i mean, i do feel slightly pms-y today, and yesterday, and the day before. i'm almost positive that in the next week the moon will pull my tides right on out, and i'll be in full blown P.M.S., and painful to be around, let alone live with.
i am my very own annoying roommate. sorry, all.
anyway, back to the empty portion of the evening. so yesterday i reached this girly low spot when i could not get the dvd player upstairs to work (kept fuzzing out, i had sound but just a big blue screen where Shrek was supposed to be) so i gave up and turned on my happy little cd player...which started skipping the cd. the camel's back was broken beyond chiropractic repair. everything i'd been coiling inside of me, like a garden hose for winter, kind of uncoiled and flexed and was like, just get the freakin' kleenex, a pen, and your notebook. i did a bit of writing and of course, just when i'm thinking that i've got nothing left to spill onto paper, poetry runneth over.
it makes me feel better when i'm able to put words down on paper like that. nothing is quite as cathartic for me. except walking in the woods, but i've only got sat and sun to do so, and i kind of wasted the weekend hiding from car salesmen and the possibility of having to push back when looking at vehicles.
all in all it turned out to be a good weekend. i really needed to get that nasty monkey off my back, and i'm a weeper, so that'll do it. i also found a new book i've been enjoying the hell out of: kate collins' "mum's the word." quite fun. i'll have to ship it out to you, serena, after my sisters go through it.
anyway, i'm off to clean up the current craft project of the month. i can't tell what it is because it's someone's christmas present and i refuse to spill beans. (; i hope you'll like it, s--nuff said.
grins all -- k (:
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
What day is it again?
I'm kind of having one of those bobble-headed dashboard hula girls type of days. I actually considered about ten minutes ago, running to Barnes and Noble to find a book I've been looking for.
This is AFTER spending the last 45 minutes getting my lasagna ready to put in the oven. In roughly 20 minutes I have to take the cover off and let it crisp up a bit on the top. For a half a second I actually thought: I could make it there and back in time.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIght. Attack of the 50-foot bobble heads. Everyone duck, I'm perambulating.
*sigh* I guess you just have times when life comes into focus, followed by times when it clouds up again. It's like sitting in your car on a good winter morning, surveying the frosty, silvery outdoors, and then suddenly realizing that because you're sitting there letting the car warm up, you've fogged your own windows, and then it's a mad race for the defroster, fan on high, and if you had my car last winter (or even earlier this month), the fan on high would cause some small gnomes to be tortured with sharp sporks under the hood, thereby waking up everyone in a fifteen mile radius.
I got the refund check today for my stocks. It felt totally defeatist to cash them out, but it was kind of a circular argument. Do I have enough money to buy a new car? No. Do I have a savings account? Not so much. Do I have money piling up somewhere? Yes, indeed I do.
So the other day I had to go online and cash it out. It was a low point in my adult life (or at least an adult moment in my otherwise childish life) to be cashing out stocks. I should have just made do, or have set aside money in an account elsewhere, but it just never occurs to me until far beyond the oh-shit-turn-on-the-defrosters moment. By the time I'm thinking about doing something, the windows are fogged and I'm distracted and making footprints with the end of my fist, kissing the windows and judging lip shape, drawing in the icy moisture.
I guess that's the way it goes. Life is partly cloudy, partly sunny, 50% chance of rain, 1-6 inches of snow in the forecast, drizzle through Friday. I cannot expect that on a daily basis I'll be able to function at full blue-sky capacity. Dusk comes early in the winter and for some reason, I can focus in the dark.
This is AFTER spending the last 45 minutes getting my lasagna ready to put in the oven. In roughly 20 minutes I have to take the cover off and let it crisp up a bit on the top. For a half a second I actually thought: I could make it there and back in time.
RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIght. Attack of the 50-foot bobble heads. Everyone duck, I'm perambulating.
*sigh* I guess you just have times when life comes into focus, followed by times when it clouds up again. It's like sitting in your car on a good winter morning, surveying the frosty, silvery outdoors, and then suddenly realizing that because you're sitting there letting the car warm up, you've fogged your own windows, and then it's a mad race for the defroster, fan on high, and if you had my car last winter (or even earlier this month), the fan on high would cause some small gnomes to be tortured with sharp sporks under the hood, thereby waking up everyone in a fifteen mile radius.
I got the refund check today for my stocks. It felt totally defeatist to cash them out, but it was kind of a circular argument. Do I have enough money to buy a new car? No. Do I have a savings account? Not so much. Do I have money piling up somewhere? Yes, indeed I do.
So the other day I had to go online and cash it out. It was a low point in my adult life (or at least an adult moment in my otherwise childish life) to be cashing out stocks. I should have just made do, or have set aside money in an account elsewhere, but it just never occurs to me until far beyond the oh-shit-turn-on-the-defrosters moment. By the time I'm thinking about doing something, the windows are fogged and I'm distracted and making footprints with the end of my fist, kissing the windows and judging lip shape, drawing in the icy moisture.
I guess that's the way it goes. Life is partly cloudy, partly sunny, 50% chance of rain, 1-6 inches of snow in the forecast, drizzle through Friday. I cannot expect that on a daily basis I'll be able to function at full blue-sky capacity. Dusk comes early in the winter and for some reason, I can focus in the dark.
Tuesday, November 09, 2004
9:19 pm
That's what time it is RIGHT NOW.
We'll see how long I type tonight. Hopefully not too terribly long as I've got to find my Prilosec and I have to pee.
But that's not saying much, as I am a terrific procrastinator, and my mind-over-matter skilz rock.
Anyway.
This year has been so busy. I'm thinking back to January, and the end of Year End 2003 at work--and then Dad's surgery, and then Serena moving, Eero moving in, mentoring and losing the trainee and now mentoring again, my sister's wedding, Rene's going away party, trip to Chicago. It's all blurring in my head, too much at one time.
It's kind of like putting a crayon on the dashboard of the car in July. I could say it melts, but in all reality it just takes on a different form...perhaps the wrapper is on the inside now, the outside is three feet long and splattering on the floor mat. Yeah, it's all melted up inside the old brain pan.
Makes it hard to keep it all straight. Lately I'm having trouble focusing on anything. Last weekend was kind of an exception. You know when I was a kid I got into trouble for being bossy all the time--"Stop telling your siblings what to do, maybe ASK them," blah, blah, blah. Last weekend we surprised Dad with a new office, something that we do every year on the first weekend of deer hunting. It's always fun and interesting, and always turns out well. This year, however, we weren't as prepped as say, last year when we did the kitchen. This year was a lot more moving and a lot more work, which was needed...I think.
First we had to move the bed in my brother's old room into my sister's old room. Then the daybed upstairs in the "office" into my brother's old room. Then everything had to come out of the office. Piles and piles of it. I felt like we were actually on Clean Sweep and at any moment we'd have to set up a rummage sale. Luckily there was no chick w/ whistle to keep us on track. Anyway...we got everything moved and painted, and then we had to put together the desk Mom bought.
Which should have been a piece of cake except for the fact that Sara and Beth were putting together peices as they went, and Mom was busy counting every. little. connector. and. screw. *sigh* All in all by the time I asked if I could help, we had to dismantle a bunch of it and then put it back together. I got frustrated with my sister Sara because she kept saying, "Should have gotten it from ikea." After comment Numero Seventy-Four, I just got pissed and said, well, we didn't get it at ikea, so we have to deal with what we have--in other words drop it! Annoyance. Garg.
Dad loved it, which was the main idea. We found a pic of him and his 69 Dodge Charger, blew it up and framed it, and put a collage of his license plates up on the wall too. The walls themselves turned out superb--a nice deep blue-gray with green undertones. It dried to a rich turquoise, but nothing overpowering.
The whole weekend for me centered on keeping everyone involved focused. We work well together as a team, my sisters and mom, but it's hard to get everyone on track and keep them there. For all the years of "stop bossing me around" I ended up doing just that.
But then when it came time to head home, since my car had a tire issue the week before and Dan had dropped me off on Friday, I was back to being supported and held up by my sister again--can I have a ride, etc. (The car thing was this WHOLE THING--the front inner tie rods are wearing the insides of the front tires bald--which sucks. Anyway on voting tuesday I called home on my way home from work to let Dan know I was en route--and then the car kind of made this flopping noise and I had to ask for a pick-up. Just finally got a new tire this morning. I need a new car.)
Which brings me back to my focus issue. Why is it that putting together a desk I can be so utterly focused, so one-minded and completion oriented, and then when I have to think about a car, or a different job, anything--I run into this brick wall and what started out as a "Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's go!" turns into a "I'd rather be sleeping."
Gah.
Well, it's 9:35 now. Night all.
We'll see how long I type tonight. Hopefully not too terribly long as I've got to find my Prilosec and I have to pee.
But that's not saying much, as I am a terrific procrastinator, and my mind-over-matter skilz rock.
Anyway.
This year has been so busy. I'm thinking back to January, and the end of Year End 2003 at work--and then Dad's surgery, and then Serena moving, Eero moving in, mentoring and losing the trainee and now mentoring again, my sister's wedding, Rene's going away party, trip to Chicago. It's all blurring in my head, too much at one time.
It's kind of like putting a crayon on the dashboard of the car in July. I could say it melts, but in all reality it just takes on a different form...perhaps the wrapper is on the inside now, the outside is three feet long and splattering on the floor mat. Yeah, it's all melted up inside the old brain pan.
Makes it hard to keep it all straight. Lately I'm having trouble focusing on anything. Last weekend was kind of an exception. You know when I was a kid I got into trouble for being bossy all the time--"Stop telling your siblings what to do, maybe ASK them," blah, blah, blah. Last weekend we surprised Dad with a new office, something that we do every year on the first weekend of deer hunting. It's always fun and interesting, and always turns out well. This year, however, we weren't as prepped as say, last year when we did the kitchen. This year was a lot more moving and a lot more work, which was needed...I think.
First we had to move the bed in my brother's old room into my sister's old room. Then the daybed upstairs in the "office" into my brother's old room. Then everything had to come out of the office. Piles and piles of it. I felt like we were actually on Clean Sweep and at any moment we'd have to set up a rummage sale. Luckily there was no chick w/ whistle to keep us on track. Anyway...we got everything moved and painted, and then we had to put together the desk Mom bought.
Which should have been a piece of cake except for the fact that Sara and Beth were putting together peices as they went, and Mom was busy counting every. little. connector. and. screw. *sigh* All in all by the time I asked if I could help, we had to dismantle a bunch of it and then put it back together. I got frustrated with my sister Sara because she kept saying, "Should have gotten it from ikea." After comment Numero Seventy-Four, I just got pissed and said, well, we didn't get it at ikea, so we have to deal with what we have--in other words drop it! Annoyance. Garg.
Dad loved it, which was the main idea. We found a pic of him and his 69 Dodge Charger, blew it up and framed it, and put a collage of his license plates up on the wall too. The walls themselves turned out superb--a nice deep blue-gray with green undertones. It dried to a rich turquoise, but nothing overpowering.
The whole weekend for me centered on keeping everyone involved focused. We work well together as a team, my sisters and mom, but it's hard to get everyone on track and keep them there. For all the years of "stop bossing me around" I ended up doing just that.
But then when it came time to head home, since my car had a tire issue the week before and Dan had dropped me off on Friday, I was back to being supported and held up by my sister again--can I have a ride, etc. (The car thing was this WHOLE THING--the front inner tie rods are wearing the insides of the front tires bald--which sucks. Anyway on voting tuesday I called home on my way home from work to let Dan know I was en route--and then the car kind of made this flopping noise and I had to ask for a pick-up. Just finally got a new tire this morning. I need a new car.)
Which brings me back to my focus issue. Why is it that putting together a desk I can be so utterly focused, so one-minded and completion oriented, and then when I have to think about a car, or a different job, anything--I run into this brick wall and what started out as a "Leeeeeeeeeeeeeeet's go!" turns into a "I'd rather be sleeping."
Gah.
Well, it's 9:35 now. Night all.
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