Ah, Ivanova...I miss Bab 5. Sometimes. I miss Firefly more--it was more my speed, the diaster of life heaped on chaos. Babylon 5 is much more linear and organized.
But I digress...what I wanted to discuss today was obsession. I get hooked on things sometimes and then months later I wonder at the fury of my obsession at that previous time. One time I was caught by Bab 5. Another time it was Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter. Books and series of books hook and catch in my mind like snags in a nylon, captivating flotsam in the jetsam of media crossing the ol' cranial channel.
Lately I've gotten obsessed with Stargate. Eeep. It's fun and fast paced, lots of humor, a good escapist bit of fancy. I guess that's what I go through life looking for--the perfect getaway hatch. The one marked "nirvana," or "chocolate." Is it the endorphin release? I look forward to some aspects of life with the joy of a child, others with the optimism of someone carrying Lysol into the bathroom. What is it about things that catch my interest? Sparkly and bright things, perhaps? It used to be this joke at work, perpetuated by my friend Cari, about how everyone with keys needed to leave the room because otherwise I'd be distracted by the bright jangly objects.
Which is too close to the truth. I can't stay focused on one thing long enough to let it capture my interest. And if it does, it burns so brightly that it's difficult to stretch my eyeballs away from what is going on over yonder.
I give. Right now I'm yearning to see some more Stargate, just to get out of the life I'm in and get into the lives of someone else--the erstwhile MacGyver who's gotten much better looking with age, mmmmmm Michael Shanks, the cracking humor, the newness of it, at least to me.
Tonight as I'm sitting here Dan's watching Babylon 5...Ivanova's mentioning the fusion reactor, and that she'd like to toss some choice folks into it. And I dwell on that line: into the fusion reactor. I think I'm staring into it.
Tuesday, August 24, 2004
Sunday, August 22, 2004
sunday morning
sundays are usually one of my favorite days of the week. i like the laid back attitude a sunday has, the way you can just know that the afternoon will be lazy, that you have to go back to work the next day so everything you do will be your last free moments of the week, unencumbered. or something like that. sundays remind me of drives after church, donuts and the newspaper spread around wall
papering the living room.
of course now this sunday i've got work to do, so it's going to be more of working sunday than a normal lazy one. *sigh* i think we're grilling today, which is no big deal except it means i have to go through the bottom drawers of the fridge and root out crap that's been there for a few weeks and has no doubt gone the way of icky. also means i need to forage for charcoal, too, and something to have with steak. i think i've got some taters somewhere... (;
last night for some reason it hit me again that quinn wouldn't be downstairs to cuddle when i was done in the den. i suddenly wanted to be able to pick her up and feel that softness and complete trust, smell her honey scented shoulders and count all the little pink paw pads. she was one of the things that kept me sane down here; shiva is an affectionate cat, but she's somewhat demanding, and as different as another cat could be. i'm not sure i want to get another cat right now either; it's expensive to get their shots up to date and then if we decide to move somewhere else that only takes one cat or something, it'll be a series of what-do-we-do-next. also shiva seems quite content to rule the roost on her own. which is fine; having her is kind of like having two cats, what with the hairballs. LOL
anyway, i've got to get myself in gear and attack this day--i have my weekly fundamentals of payroll read to attend to, and i promised myself i would go for a good walk today, a walk that involves the woods and that lovely forest smell. it rained last night, so the whole world is vibrant and damp, kind of like a sunday morning should be. (:
papering the living room.
of course now this sunday i've got work to do, so it's going to be more of working sunday than a normal lazy one. *sigh* i think we're grilling today, which is no big deal except it means i have to go through the bottom drawers of the fridge and root out crap that's been there for a few weeks and has no doubt gone the way of icky. also means i need to forage for charcoal, too, and something to have with steak. i think i've got some taters somewhere... (;
last night for some reason it hit me again that quinn wouldn't be downstairs to cuddle when i was done in the den. i suddenly wanted to be able to pick her up and feel that softness and complete trust, smell her honey scented shoulders and count all the little pink paw pads. she was one of the things that kept me sane down here; shiva is an affectionate cat, but she's somewhat demanding, and as different as another cat could be. i'm not sure i want to get another cat right now either; it's expensive to get their shots up to date and then if we decide to move somewhere else that only takes one cat or something, it'll be a series of what-do-we-do-next. also shiva seems quite content to rule the roost on her own. which is fine; having her is kind of like having two cats, what with the hairballs. LOL
anyway, i've got to get myself in gear and attack this day--i have my weekly fundamentals of payroll read to attend to, and i promised myself i would go for a good walk today, a walk that involves the woods and that lovely forest smell. it rained last night, so the whole world is vibrant and damp, kind of like a sunday morning should be. (:
Friday, August 20, 2004
friday night...again...
i know it's kind of serial but friday can't come soon enough. and then it's here and gone too quickly. i give up.
the rotten part about today was actually dinner last night. i was sideswiped by a mean case of the shouldn't-have-had-moo-goo-gai-pan's at about 4 am, after going to sleep around 1 am. oops. i called into work at 8, only to hear from my exec that "we'd really appreciate it if you were feeling better this afternoon and maybe you could come in..." riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. what did she think i was smoking? it's friday. this will only be the 5th sick day i have ever used. *flings obligatory monkey poo*
maybe it wasn't the food...i honestly don't know what it was. for some reason right before something like this occurs i have these totally wild dreams. it's like my body is trying to catch up and insert some reasoning behind what it's about to do. sometimes it involves a person giving birth, or running away from a booglie or whatnot. last night it was a hot air balloon ride. don't ask. all i know is that it started out really nice--blue sky you could touch, beautiful green quilted landscape, a few trees here and there dotting the earth with rust and reds, crisp october wind. and then it went all weird and morphed into some kind of wild autumn afternoon meets the matrix type of situation. again, don't ask.
the boys are playing counterstrike right now. i'm starting to get sleepy. i tried sleeping earlier today, while playing the goddess of couches and television, but it just didn't work. shiva was sitting on my hip purring like a coffeemaker gone berserk, and i got sucked into a terrible movie on women's entertainment called "wedding bell blues." it was honestly awful. but it's like watching ambulances. your curiosity gets the better of you, and even tho i came in during the middle of the movie, i knew within five minutes who was going to end up with who and all that jazz. you know, i'd considered watching something else but good intentions and all, and my brain is just that much more rotted than before 11 am.
yawn. i guess maybe it's time to turn in for the evening. i did get to watch stargate sg1 again tonight and as per usual in the last two weeks, i was again laughing and everything. the writing is actually very good...surprising when you've been bottle fed on babylon 5 and firefly...and star wars...you know the drill, all you gamers. the minute i start watching a show now, sci fi or fantasy at least, i think: honestly, is this a gaming session i've seen? and the moment it loses that dose of reality, i lose interest. so far i've seen a handful or more of sg1 eps and i swear to you, richard dean anderson is better looking now than when he was on macgyver...how is this possible, you ask? either i'm getting older and my eyesight is going, or he looks damn fine with silver hair. WTF? *sigh*
see ya.
the rotten part about today was actually dinner last night. i was sideswiped by a mean case of the shouldn't-have-had-moo-goo-gai-pan's at about 4 am, after going to sleep around 1 am. oops. i called into work at 8, only to hear from my exec that "we'd really appreciate it if you were feeling better this afternoon and maybe you could come in..." riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. what did she think i was smoking? it's friday. this will only be the 5th sick day i have ever used. *flings obligatory monkey poo*
maybe it wasn't the food...i honestly don't know what it was. for some reason right before something like this occurs i have these totally wild dreams. it's like my body is trying to catch up and insert some reasoning behind what it's about to do. sometimes it involves a person giving birth, or running away from a booglie or whatnot. last night it was a hot air balloon ride. don't ask. all i know is that it started out really nice--blue sky you could touch, beautiful green quilted landscape, a few trees here and there dotting the earth with rust and reds, crisp october wind. and then it went all weird and morphed into some kind of wild autumn afternoon meets the matrix type of situation. again, don't ask.
the boys are playing counterstrike right now. i'm starting to get sleepy. i tried sleeping earlier today, while playing the goddess of couches and television, but it just didn't work. shiva was sitting on my hip purring like a coffeemaker gone berserk, and i got sucked into a terrible movie on women's entertainment called "wedding bell blues." it was honestly awful. but it's like watching ambulances. your curiosity gets the better of you, and even tho i came in during the middle of the movie, i knew within five minutes who was going to end up with who and all that jazz. you know, i'd considered watching something else but good intentions and all, and my brain is just that much more rotted than before 11 am.
yawn. i guess maybe it's time to turn in for the evening. i did get to watch stargate sg1 again tonight and as per usual in the last two weeks, i was again laughing and everything. the writing is actually very good...surprising when you've been bottle fed on babylon 5 and firefly...and star wars...you know the drill, all you gamers. the minute i start watching a show now, sci fi or fantasy at least, i think: honestly, is this a gaming session i've seen? and the moment it loses that dose of reality, i lose interest. so far i've seen a handful or more of sg1 eps and i swear to you, richard dean anderson is better looking now than when he was on macgyver...how is this possible, you ask? either i'm getting older and my eyesight is going, or he looks damn fine with silver hair. WTF? *sigh*
see ya.
Thursday, August 19, 2004
gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah
So anyway...the wedding shower was fine, except for a five to ten minute interval when we got to my aunt's where i honest to god thought my sister was going to bitch slap my aunt.
Here's the quick and dirty: when we originally found out about the shower, my aunt wanted to organize it and have it at her house. Then we found out that my OTHER aunt wanted to do the same, with assistance from my cousin. So my sister and I decided to take matters into our own hands and just do it ourselves...until my dear bride stepped in and said, well, auntie P said something first, so why don't you work with her. Etc. So my sister B was in charge of decorations--which is her specialty, may I add--and invites. She did all of this. I was in charge of cake and rsvp's and a scrapbook in which people could sign wisdom away. P was in charge of house and food. She DID NOT want to get together with either of us, just wanted to work via the phone. I told her that B had tablecloths, plates, napkins, flowers, everything--and when we get there Saturday am, she has tables out with tablecloths, her own china and silverware, and napkins. The first thing she says as we set down B's boxes of deco is "Oh, I didn't know about this...we should have talked. I guess I'll have to put all my stuff away." THIS WOMAN IS HOW OLD I ask you. I thought my sister was going to go through the wall. I kind of played the peacemaker and smoothed things over--you know, "it all looks nice together" etc. and so on and so forth.
The day turned out great, everyone had a great time, the cake was a diabetic's worst nightmare and AMAZING, and then we left. It was all in good fun. I was just so ticked at my aunt for pulling that stunt. We ended up leaving half the decorations and plants in my trunk because of it, and I just felt so bad for my sister B. The bride, of course, had no idea of what happened until later, when my mom asked something I kind of blurted out that there had been a confrontation at the beginning of the day.
I told B later that if I ever get hitched, she's in charge, and no one else, and that will solve some problems. (insert evil laugh here)
So let's see what else is going on this week? The temp dropped (YAY!) and it's cool out, like a good autumn should be. Talked to C the other day, which is wonderful as always. Little does she know that I have a package hand-picked for her. (insert another evil laugh here) My dear R was down from the Vortex on Tuesday night and we had a marvelous time at a little Italian restaurant down the street--she had chicken caccitore and I had chicken marsala, which was in a cream sauce. ? Who knew. I've never had it that way before, good but not the same as Buca di Beppo, which had GREAT marsala. Then to cap things off we split cheesecake and tiramisu, which was lovely. Tonight is D Fong's night, so we're off in a bit for some good Chinese and even better service (props to Julie at D Fong's--she ROCKS!)
Let's see, what else...Saturday this weekend we're supposed to head over to Chanhassen (I think, have yet to review directions) for a housewarming for a gal I used to work with. And then the following weekend some friends from Duluth are down and we're going to the Renn fest over in Shakopee. Or wherever it is. That corner of Minnesota. The weekend after is Labor Day weekend, and then the following weekend is dad's shoot in, and then the following weekend is Chicago, and then it's S's wedding, and then it's the end of September. Thank the gods. I'm ready for a weekend of nothing. I think. LOL I still have to do S's flowers, and get a few more things ready for the Big Day. And a few more books to read. Etc. The usual. I think the most pressing need upcoming is LAUNDRY! I SO need to do laundry. Not sure when I'll have a chance, but it will have to be happening sooner than later. Eeep.
Oh! I'm taking a payroll class now, too. The Fundamental Payroll Certification. Interesting with a twist of lime. Or maybe that's boring with a twist of lime. I'll get back to you on that one. For the moment I've got to do something with my hair (which is seriously needing to be pruned or something, maybe more gel will help?) and then we're out the door. My big decision of the night will have to be: moo goo gai pan or shrimp almond ding or sweet and sour chicken...ah, choices.
Here's the quick and dirty: when we originally found out about the shower, my aunt wanted to organize it and have it at her house. Then we found out that my OTHER aunt wanted to do the same, with assistance from my cousin. So my sister and I decided to take matters into our own hands and just do it ourselves...until my dear bride stepped in and said, well, auntie P said something first, so why don't you work with her. Etc. So my sister B was in charge of decorations--which is her specialty, may I add--and invites. She did all of this. I was in charge of cake and rsvp's and a scrapbook in which people could sign wisdom away. P was in charge of house and food. She DID NOT want to get together with either of us, just wanted to work via the phone. I told her that B had tablecloths, plates, napkins, flowers, everything--and when we get there Saturday am, she has tables out with tablecloths, her own china and silverware, and napkins. The first thing she says as we set down B's boxes of deco is "Oh, I didn't know about this...we should have talked. I guess I'll have to put all my stuff away." THIS WOMAN IS HOW OLD I ask you. I thought my sister was going to go through the wall. I kind of played the peacemaker and smoothed things over--you know, "it all looks nice together" etc. and so on and so forth.
The day turned out great, everyone had a great time, the cake was a diabetic's worst nightmare and AMAZING, and then we left. It was all in good fun. I was just so ticked at my aunt for pulling that stunt. We ended up leaving half the decorations and plants in my trunk because of it, and I just felt so bad for my sister B. The bride, of course, had no idea of what happened until later, when my mom asked something I kind of blurted out that there had been a confrontation at the beginning of the day.
I told B later that if I ever get hitched, she's in charge, and no one else, and that will solve some problems. (insert evil laugh here)
So let's see what else is going on this week? The temp dropped (YAY!) and it's cool out, like a good autumn should be. Talked to C the other day, which is wonderful as always. Little does she know that I have a package hand-picked for her. (insert another evil laugh here) My dear R was down from the Vortex on Tuesday night and we had a marvelous time at a little Italian restaurant down the street--she had chicken caccitore and I had chicken marsala, which was in a cream sauce. ? Who knew. I've never had it that way before, good but not the same as Buca di Beppo, which had GREAT marsala. Then to cap things off we split cheesecake and tiramisu, which was lovely. Tonight is D Fong's night, so we're off in a bit for some good Chinese and even better service (props to Julie at D Fong's--she ROCKS!)
Let's see, what else...Saturday this weekend we're supposed to head over to Chanhassen (I think, have yet to review directions) for a housewarming for a gal I used to work with. And then the following weekend some friends from Duluth are down and we're going to the Renn fest over in Shakopee. Or wherever it is. That corner of Minnesota. The weekend after is Labor Day weekend, and then the following weekend is dad's shoot in, and then the following weekend is Chicago, and then it's S's wedding, and then it's the end of September. Thank the gods. I'm ready for a weekend of nothing. I think. LOL I still have to do S's flowers, and get a few more things ready for the Big Day. And a few more books to read. Etc. The usual. I think the most pressing need upcoming is LAUNDRY! I SO need to do laundry. Not sure when I'll have a chance, but it will have to be happening sooner than later. Eeep.
Oh! I'm taking a payroll class now, too. The Fundamental Payroll Certification. Interesting with a twist of lime. Or maybe that's boring with a twist of lime. I'll get back to you on that one. For the moment I've got to do something with my hair (which is seriously needing to be pruned or something, maybe more gel will help?) and then we're out the door. My big decision of the night will have to be: moo goo gai pan or shrimp almond ding or sweet and sour chicken...ah, choices.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Friday the you know what-th
So it's Friday the 13th. So far the only crappy thing is that I didn't fall asleep until like 130 and it is now 7 am. But I'm awake, which is good, because the kitchen needs some serious attention, being as I haven't actually cleaned it since Sunday and haven't made anything in it since Sunday... *sigh* And Shiva had a hairball issue yesterday and yakked up enough crud to fill a small landfill, so I'm waiting for the steam cleaner to recharge (just have a little one) so that I can try going after those spots again.
So my sister is coming down tonight, instead of driving down tomorrow. YAY! It'll be nice to see her for a little while. The only downside is that she is VERY allergic to cats, so I'll need to do some cleaning, and see if I can't find that Febreze allergen reducer stuff to hose down at least one room or two. (: Otherwise we'll be able to walk through the house and talk for half an hour before she has to take Benadryl.
Not too much else going on other than this shower. I have a sinking sense that I am missing something vital about this week...but I've paid all my bills and waking up early will get the house cleaned, so it's all good. I think. I'm sure later on I'll recall that I was supposed to do something else but for now I spose I oughta get to work!
Happy Friday everyone!
So my sister is coming down tonight, instead of driving down tomorrow. YAY! It'll be nice to see her for a little while. The only downside is that she is VERY allergic to cats, so I'll need to do some cleaning, and see if I can't find that Febreze allergen reducer stuff to hose down at least one room or two. (: Otherwise we'll be able to walk through the house and talk for half an hour before she has to take Benadryl.
Not too much else going on other than this shower. I have a sinking sense that I am missing something vital about this week...but I've paid all my bills and waking up early will get the house cleaned, so it's all good. I think. I'm sure later on I'll recall that I was supposed to do something else but for now I spose I oughta get to work!
Happy Friday everyone!
Wednesday, August 11, 2004
national week of poo
Or something like that. LOL
So I was all weirded out earlier (you're going to laugh S) because last night I kept smelling maple syrup...except I was having peanut butter toast. And today I read S's blog and lo and behold, she's out in CO eating pancakes last night. It all becomes clear. I think. LOL
Last night was the first night of my FPC class. It's supposed to stand for Fundamental Payroll Certification, and we got chapter one last night--which is about 50 pages long and has a 79 page appendix. It looks abysmally boring. *sigh* The only thing to look forward to is that it is first and foremost a class, which I haven't been in in two years, and secondly that when I pass the test, I get a bonus that will hopefully allow me to do something funner than normal. Yeah, English major used the "f" word.
I've already come up with different acronym descriptions for FPC: Flipping Peice of Crap, Flying Payroll Crud, Freaking Pissy Coldcuts, Fried Peas Canned. I could go on but it just goes down hill. As with the rest of life in general, I'm putting off the actual reading with silly stuff like making a crappy veil for my sister's wedding shower on Saturday, and looking up random shit on the net, and checking message boards and email. And planning on reading it. Tomorrow. After I find my grad plans. Which has been my goal since last Friday. *sigh*
If you don't know me I have a problem with procrastination. I think some inner voice seems to think that, like wine, things will improve if I just ignore them. It always comes as a rude surprise when they really are more of a vinegar than a wine later.
I just have SO many better things to do. I mean, I'm writing a blog instead of searching for those plans. Which as I write it sounds like the world's cheapest cop out. And it would be cheap because I am a bargain hunter to the cell.
Someone send me some motivation, would you? I feel like I need a swift kick in the patoot from a VERY large boot. But I doubt that would help either...as I'd just find something else to do, like ice my ass, instead of doing what I should be doing. I give. LOL
Anyway, I have to go make a veil and try to find time for some yoga tonight, or something, as I've been promising myself to do a good yoga session for ages and just keep finding ways to prolong my back pain. LOL I think I'm actually a sadist cleverly disguised as a Minnesotan. LOL
In other news. Dan did it. He put in his notice. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! That's a big jump. He's doing it for good reasons, and things that make sense to me, but as a woman, and basically as his girlfriend, and a genetic worrywart, I have pains in my hypothalamus just thinking about it. Everyone has to do what they need to do--life does not come without pain and growth, I spose--but for someone who puts off doing things like filing grad plans, quitting a job spur of the moment is just totally unthinkable. I mean, I can see the reasons behind it, see the why, but it's really hard to see beyond that and think about it objectively, and think that life will go on and that he'll be fine. My optimistic side is cheerleading while my pessimist is getting water ready for any possible fires.
I think a lot of the issue stems from me being such a totally maybe person, and Dan being so black and white. Dan either does something or doesn't do it. I do it half way, or get bored halfway, and drop the ball...only to wonder later on where I've put it.
Maybe it's that it's Wednesday, and there are only two days of the week left. I'm stuck on the hump. Hey, on the upside, I got the cake ordered. Chocolate Truffle from Byerly's. I almost asked for a taste test but I hadn't eaten dinner yet and that would have put me off the charts. I probably would have gotten pulled over on the way home, handed my license to the ossifer, and done a few cartwheels before vaulting the median and just walking home. It looks WAY too rich for any human but oh so delicious...I'll tell more after Saturday. (: Course I might type really, really fast when I do post...LOL
So I was all weirded out earlier (you're going to laugh S) because last night I kept smelling maple syrup...except I was having peanut butter toast. And today I read S's blog and lo and behold, she's out in CO eating pancakes last night. It all becomes clear. I think. LOL
Last night was the first night of my FPC class. It's supposed to stand for Fundamental Payroll Certification, and we got chapter one last night--which is about 50 pages long and has a 79 page appendix. It looks abysmally boring. *sigh* The only thing to look forward to is that it is first and foremost a class, which I haven't been in in two years, and secondly that when I pass the test, I get a bonus that will hopefully allow me to do something funner than normal. Yeah, English major used the "f" word.
I've already come up with different acronym descriptions for FPC: Flipping Peice of Crap, Flying Payroll Crud, Freaking Pissy Coldcuts, Fried Peas Canned. I could go on but it just goes down hill. As with the rest of life in general, I'm putting off the actual reading with silly stuff like making a crappy veil for my sister's wedding shower on Saturday, and looking up random shit on the net, and checking message boards and email. And planning on reading it. Tomorrow. After I find my grad plans. Which has been my goal since last Friday. *sigh*
If you don't know me I have a problem with procrastination. I think some inner voice seems to think that, like wine, things will improve if I just ignore them. It always comes as a rude surprise when they really are more of a vinegar than a wine later.
I just have SO many better things to do. I mean, I'm writing a blog instead of searching for those plans. Which as I write it sounds like the world's cheapest cop out. And it would be cheap because I am a bargain hunter to the cell.
Someone send me some motivation, would you? I feel like I need a swift kick in the patoot from a VERY large boot. But I doubt that would help either...as I'd just find something else to do, like ice my ass, instead of doing what I should be doing. I give. LOL
Anyway, I have to go make a veil and try to find time for some yoga tonight, or something, as I've been promising myself to do a good yoga session for ages and just keep finding ways to prolong my back pain. LOL I think I'm actually a sadist cleverly disguised as a Minnesotan. LOL
In other news. Dan did it. He put in his notice. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEP! That's a big jump. He's doing it for good reasons, and things that make sense to me, but as a woman, and basically as his girlfriend, and a genetic worrywart, I have pains in my hypothalamus just thinking about it. Everyone has to do what they need to do--life does not come without pain and growth, I spose--but for someone who puts off doing things like filing grad plans, quitting a job spur of the moment is just totally unthinkable. I mean, I can see the reasons behind it, see the why, but it's really hard to see beyond that and think about it objectively, and think that life will go on and that he'll be fine. My optimistic side is cheerleading while my pessimist is getting water ready for any possible fires.
I think a lot of the issue stems from me being such a totally maybe person, and Dan being so black and white. Dan either does something or doesn't do it. I do it half way, or get bored halfway, and drop the ball...only to wonder later on where I've put it.
Maybe it's that it's Wednesday, and there are only two days of the week left. I'm stuck on the hump. Hey, on the upside, I got the cake ordered. Chocolate Truffle from Byerly's. I almost asked for a taste test but I hadn't eaten dinner yet and that would have put me off the charts. I probably would have gotten pulled over on the way home, handed my license to the ossifer, and done a few cartwheels before vaulting the median and just walking home. It looks WAY too rich for any human but oh so delicious...I'll tell more after Saturday. (: Course I might type really, really fast when I do post...LOL
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
the monday revisited
don't have long to type as it's been crazy in here. just wanted to vent a little bit. the so is thinking of doing something i've never been able to do--just take a leap of faith. for someone so opposed to having the world help him, he sure leaps in like someone on the edge of mosh pit. i guess maybe that's why he doesn't mosh. LOL
anyway, i'm scared. i have to admit it. i can't help it. the last time he did this it brought all the problems in our relationship to a head, and ther ewas this whole "we are separating" thing that i had to do in order to remain sane. i'm not sure i want to do that again. and i know that there is always the possibility of it happening, but there is an equal if not better chance that life will be fine.
what kind of upbringing did i have to be so scared of money, so scared of being without money? was it watching my dad work all the time to support us? or my mom stretch things to make them fit? is it pride? is it some irish fear of being without potatoes? (; i can't put my finger on it. i know that part of--if not a great deal of--my isue with dan doing what he's going to do--is that he will have to depend on me at some point. for the most part i love to help--to be here for people, to lend a hand, to be depended on. but when it comes down to my bank account i get very, very touchy. and i just don't know why. it's not like i live beyond my means or anything. i don't know.
but i better get back to work!
anyway, i'm scared. i have to admit it. i can't help it. the last time he did this it brought all the problems in our relationship to a head, and ther ewas this whole "we are separating" thing that i had to do in order to remain sane. i'm not sure i want to do that again. and i know that there is always the possibility of it happening, but there is an equal if not better chance that life will be fine.
what kind of upbringing did i have to be so scared of money, so scared of being without money? was it watching my dad work all the time to support us? or my mom stretch things to make them fit? is it pride? is it some irish fear of being without potatoes? (; i can't put my finger on it. i know that part of--if not a great deal of--my isue with dan doing what he's going to do--is that he will have to depend on me at some point. for the most part i love to help--to be here for people, to lend a hand, to be depended on. but when it comes down to my bank account i get very, very touchy. and i just don't know why. it's not like i live beyond my means or anything. i don't know.
but i better get back to work!
Monday, August 09, 2004
cliff jumping
Well, here goes...
I actually wrote this all on Sunday. Anyone who knows me knows that technologically speaking, I ought to be in the stone age for the most part, as I'm either paying no attention to what the screen is telling me or paying enough attention to see that, yet again, my Kimbo the Destroyer aura has invaded the computer system and made it crash or pop up strange error messages. Yesterday it was just me and the keyboard, and I didn't pay attention to the fact that I'd setup my blog as an offshoot of Dan's. Whoops. *blush*
So I'm doing something my mother always asked me if I wanted to do. You know, the proverbial, if everyone else was jumping off a cliff, yadda yadda yadda. I just wrote to someone else's blog this morning to say that it was exhausting to keep up with all the blogs out there now. It's a hard knock life when you have to read backlogs of like two weeks. Puh-lease.
The other reason I'm doing this is because I keep losing my notebook. Once again it has been swallowed by the depths of the house, and I'm just not up to a full-scale journal hunt this morning. *sigh* As soon as I post this and join the rest of the known world online, it will surface where I least expect it, like in the garage or something. I feel like a parent: "I don't want to know where you've been, just don't do it again." Please include your own exasperated eye rolls here. Course this has led me to glance at the living room...which is a slight disaster. It's my week to vacuum and sweep, etc, but I'm lacking some motivation. Okay, I'm lacking ALL motivation. My mantra earlier was that when Dan got up I'd start cleaning. But instead he's watching some A&E movie on the couch, waiting to use his computer I'm guessing, and I'm sitting here typing my very first blog. Whoo-hoo! Yay! Rock on!
My initial estimate will be that I'll be on here infrequently. Mainly because I'm lazy and for the most part forget about things like this after a little while. (Little while: def. -- "longer than a minute and shorter than half an hour. can last up to three weeks, give or take time discrepancies in Kim's world.")
So hello all, welcome to my blog.
I actually wrote this all on Sunday. Anyone who knows me knows that technologically speaking, I ought to be in the stone age for the most part, as I'm either paying no attention to what the screen is telling me or paying enough attention to see that, yet again, my Kimbo the Destroyer aura has invaded the computer system and made it crash or pop up strange error messages. Yesterday it was just me and the keyboard, and I didn't pay attention to the fact that I'd setup my blog as an offshoot of Dan's. Whoops. *blush*
So I'm doing something my mother always asked me if I wanted to do. You know, the proverbial, if everyone else was jumping off a cliff, yadda yadda yadda. I just wrote to someone else's blog this morning to say that it was exhausting to keep up with all the blogs out there now. It's a hard knock life when you have to read backlogs of like two weeks. Puh-lease.
The other reason I'm doing this is because I keep losing my notebook. Once again it has been swallowed by the depths of the house, and I'm just not up to a full-scale journal hunt this morning. *sigh* As soon as I post this and join the rest of the known world online, it will surface where I least expect it, like in the garage or something. I feel like a parent: "I don't want to know where you've been, just don't do it again." Please include your own exasperated eye rolls here. Course this has led me to glance at the living room...which is a slight disaster. It's my week to vacuum and sweep, etc, but I'm lacking some motivation. Okay, I'm lacking ALL motivation. My mantra earlier was that when Dan got up I'd start cleaning. But instead he's watching some A&E movie on the couch, waiting to use his computer I'm guessing, and I'm sitting here typing my very first blog. Whoo-hoo! Yay! Rock on!
My initial estimate will be that I'll be on here infrequently. Mainly because I'm lazy and for the most part forget about things like this after a little while. (Little while: def. -- "longer than a minute and shorter than half an hour. can last up to three weeks, give or take time discrepancies in Kim's world.")
So hello all, welcome to my blog.
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