topsy turvy

our friend darin tells this awful joke about these two horses in this field, topsy and turvy. i'm not going to go into it because it's long, it's boring, and in the ten years i've known darin, i've heard it about three thousand times. or so.

but the name does describe how things are going.

topsy. and turvy.

today was better than most have been recently. dan was in a good mood, and that makes life a bit easier. i have to admit it. i'm always worried because i don't know what kind of mood he will be in, and his mood dictates the moods of those around him. i try hard, for the most part, to zen myself into a place that doesn't allow me to be affected by the waves he creates around himself. but a lot of time it's beyond me to escape those waves. i hold out hope and i have faith in that the therapist he sees will give him tools he can use in his life to make it easier on him, to make his hurts not so bad, to make life livable and likeable again. i also hope that the therapist i see will be able to do the same for me--maybe give me tools that will help motivate me into finishing my degree, looking for a new occupation, moving towards owning a home, etc.

there has to be a better way. something that is less like living on a slip n' slide and more along the lines of a pretty carousel or something akin. right?

it makes it easier to know that you are not alone, that there is hope and that there are other people out there who are both willing to help and at the same time going through issues that are like the ones i am facing, or dan is, or anyone. it give me something to look forward to. today was such a good day. it gives me hope that days in the future can be like this, that there is beauty in the leftovers of whatever it is that is happening.

i cling to the quote from delenn, about how growth happens but there is pain. sometimes there has to be pain. sometimes there has to be sorrow and hurt, in order for joy to taste so good, in order for hope to be so fragile.

i think there is. maybe. i'm hoping. will keep you posted. for now i'll paste some khalil gibran in here because he merits exploration, and because his words really do apply:

from The Prophet: On Joy and Sorrow

Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that hold your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.