the good, the bad, and the unfocused...

nathan wrote the other day about breaking the lens on his camera, and how he was trying to get used to the new lens and how it affected his picture taking.

i'm feeling about the same way.

the lens through which i viewed life for a very long time has been blurred. it's cracked. it affects everything that i see. rose tinted and sharp, it's overly critical and unfocused. can a lens be confused? or can it just confuse?

i'm not sure.

in the end, the reality is that i need a new one. it feels like dan does, too. the way we look at the world has become skewed, and so has the way we look at each other. it feels like forever until monday, when i can find out who my insurance covers in order for me to see someone about my situation, and i know dan is in the same boat. you just want the time to go by so that you know where you're going to end up.

i'm going to go all geeky in analogies, here: it's like playing WoW online, and having lag. you don't know where you're going to end up. all you can see is this big gray or blue or brown splotch and you're stuck there until the system catches up to you. you're not sure, the whole time you're waiting, if you're going to un-lag and be underwater, or un-lag and be where you want to be. or perhaps the question isn't that you're where you want to be, just that you're somewhere.

i can look at a map and tell you where i'd like to go, to visit. i can think about the media i own and tell you what i want to hear or read or work on. i have a vague idea of where i want to be in 5 years. but i want the 5 years to be done now, so i can see if i'm there.

rice is in the steamer; we're supposed to be having teryaki beef but dan's out for the count upstairs, and after the day--work this morning after very little sleep, trying to rummage sale and getting downpoured on, slogging back to car and driving home to change, hitting the grocery store--i'm tired too. every cell in my body feels somewhat dehydrated and sleepy.

and my rose tinted vision of life, albeit slanted and messy with fingerprints from trying to fix it, is now fogged with nap-page.