patience

they say it's a virtue
but i can't see how it can be
i'm tired of waiting and waiting
of the apathy that i see as patience
i want to do
something
for you
that will lift or support
much in the manner of my own beloved
bra
but my hands are tied
by fear.

***

so it's saturday and dan's at a temp job that is boring beyond belief. i understand boring (serena, you'll recall with me RUST) and i understand temporary (my sister sara and i worked cleaning apartments for two weeks one time) and i understand the need for money. i am trying very hard to be supportive and not be judgmental, but sometimes it becomes difficult. i dislike walking around my own house on eggshells--but that is the state of the union and eventually i will become used to it, and it won't bother me.

which is my greatest fear.

i don't want to be numb. i want dan to have something positive to hang onto. i want him to see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, that there are things to hang onto, and i understand that right now he's not seeing it because it's buried. i just need some support too--and this job is going to help out, even minutely. he is seeing it as a nail in the coffin of failure; i'm seeing it as a reprieve, even momentary, of the amounts of money i see going out of my account to feed us.

of course, he's not eating much right now, so it's not that large of a dent, i suppose.

the mental health center isn't open on saturdays, so i am unable once again to make an appointment until monday. i'm hoping to set aside some time on monday morning to actually call, but i know that i need to get into work fairly early in order to catch up on last week. i've been so unfocused at work lately, so uncaring about the output that i'm creating, or rather lack thereof, that i've created more work for myself. now it's time for damage control, i suppose.

anyway, i'm off to make my kitchen floor shine... (;