hindsight

so dan got a diagnosis today: bipolar disorder I. at least it's a name. i was reminded forcibly of talking to serena about when she was diagnosed with lupus after being sick for so long, and uncomfortable, and finally having a name and an approach to the problem, and the utter sense of relief this brings.

it's not the end of the road; it's finding your spot on the map, and realizing that it's a long way but that there is a way.

since three weeks ago, when dan had his self-professed and therapist-sanctioned "psychotic break," we've known there is an elephant in the house. it was probably mastadon sized. but after a while you just keep averting your eyes and making believe that it's really not there.

now the elephant has a name. probably still won't come when called, or stop pooping in the living room for a long time, but it has a name.

on saturday morning i woke up with this feeling that i had to face the fear and put education on my side, and i searched online for much of the morning for answers to the therapist's original feeling that it was bipolar disorder. i read up until i was nearly bored. and it helped. it helped because even if we weren't sure that this was the exact elephant in the house with us, i could now tell it was an elephant of some kind.

there's a lot of work to be done. a lot of demons to face and a ton of issues to resolve, or heal, or learn to live with. but it's a start, and that's all i can ask. at this point i just want dan to be healthy, and me, and hope that the start we have taken--naming this moody elephant--will put us on a track to being more healthy and living a life that we want to live, separate or together.

i can look back on the lives we've lived thus far and see where the breakdown was, all the times we stared at each other between the legs of this gray goliath and thought we had reached comprehension and understanding. i can look back and say that i wish this had happened years ago, because it would have freed up our lives and our feelings much sooner. i've communicated better with dan since that thursday than i think i ever have. i know i've said it before, but it's the truth. i've always wanted this honesty; i guess i just never knew how to both ask for it and demand it and value it.

hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. the elephant has always been in the room.

i think i'll name mine "imelda."