yesterday i spent the day shopping w/ corpse and cathy; corpse wanted women to help pick out his wardrobe again, just like 2 years ago when serena and i went out w/ him. dan was along that time too, and i almost wished he were with this time because i think that with only women picking out the clothing, corpse might be in for sore spots later...he may appear a bit "metrosexual." but what can we do now, return things? ha. i laugh in the face of good fashion. (;
dan and i had a good talk yesterday afternoon, and then he went off to spend time with serena, and i went off to drink wine w/ my girlfriends. thought it was going to be a sleepover, but i'm glad i came home because otherwise the cat would have woken up the rest of the household VERY early with her terrorist demands for fresh food.
as it was i'm up and i thought for sure i'd be able to sleep more than 7.5 hrs. not likely. i had some terribly bizarre dreams about being at a school ten years after a bus had crashed into it, and having to help my cousin janelle, who was trying to get a very old rottweiler and something that looked like a large apricot poodle to mate. don't ask me, i have no clue. it's not like i was watching animal planet yesterday, or at the dog park...who knows. there was a spot in the middle of the dream when i was standing in my living room, looking at my huge coffee table, where someone had penned a note in red ink on blue paper: kim, call your parents, very upset. i had a feeling it was about jed, and for a minute i forced myself to wake up, and then fell back asleep and into humping dogs. gah. why, brain, why?
so today we drive to river falls, wi, to help spoon and josh move. i'm glad of the activity because if i'm around the house i just find something to cry over. i'm chalking it up right now to everything that is going on, with the added bonus of being premenstrual and incoherently weepy already. as with all things it takes me forever to understand and wrap my head around them. case in point: dan's a computer gamer. it's taken me a long time, and i'm still working on it, for me to not be jealous of the time he spends on the computer, happily gaming. the better i understand it, the better i feel about it. but it still is time i cannot spend with him, because my computer has been reduced to word processor, just because of changing system requirements. i have to admit that amelia does look tiny and ancient next to dan and eero's modern behemoths. after typing on dan's computer too, i get on amelia and immediately have to put my waiting-in-line skills to use, because she's a bit on the slow side, in comparison.
either way. it'll be good to get out of the house. it'll be good to help someone else. it'll be good to step back for a little bit. i can't get out of my head long enough to make sense of anything right now. and as long as i have my cell phone w/ me, hopefully mom and dad will be able to make contact as needed. which means that jed won't be out of my head, either. it's like walking meditation--i have to force things out to have the silence in my head. shoo out the thousands of milling thoughts; the party's over. ask the emotions to leave, just until morning, just to get through. i suppose i've never applied my yoga stuff to everyday things--or maybe i have. i remember thinking at one point that for me cleaning is like meditation. i don't see why helping someone move cannot be grouped in the same category.
tomorrow we get together w/ my sister and her husband for a later lunch in the afternoon--sounds like burgers and such. i think dan is coming with me. i have no idea, because at the time i accepted, we were not in the situation in which we are now in. it hurts me that i'm not his best friend any longer. or maybe i am? i don't know. serena seems to have taken that place. even though dan says that i'm not being "set aside" i can't help but feel that i am.
i think it's back to the self-worth thing. hopefully a counselor or therapist can help me make sense of that feeling, and get this half-assed, haphazard life i lead turned around. i'd like to have goals, and see them completed. i'd like to not be afraid. my problem is that i turn everything into some insurmountable wall. when i was a kid my mom used to say that i turned molehills into mountains; it's not a far cry from where i am now. i don't know why; it seems like i should have the necessary tools, but they're just absent, or maybe forgotten. maybe i had them but lost them. who knows. it's useless at this point to gripe and whine over what i'm missing, or what i'm perceiving as missing, because someday soon i hope to regain and recoup and recover.
and my totally bitchy cat has now eaten and made a BIG stinky in the back hallway. so i'm off to do menial work like scooping the poop of felines. which, according to my cat, is the very reason i breathe... (;
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