clean sweep

you ever slipped and fell?

hit your ass on the ground SO hard that the wind just gets knocked out of you?

it's been one of those kind of weeks. i'm at the point where everything makes me cry because i am feeling quite hope-less.

but at the same time, i feel a sense of hope that perhaps is just tempered by it being different than the hope i had before.

i think that this is a turning point. a hard point, but a turning point.

to sum up: i've been having health issues for a bit now, mainly "female" issues that will hopefully be addressed on tuesday when i see the doctor. needless to say it's a bit stressful, as a woman, to just know that something isn't right, but not be able to point at it and say, that's the problem. it's internal. it's icky. that's enough.

my uncle is in the hospital, after suffering strokes again. they don't think it's anything right now but a matter of time. it's hard to think of my dad and his brothers minus number 3, but i know that jed would never want to live unless it was a life he wanted to live, and i know his brothers know that. it just is downright depressing--he's suffered through enough in life that death should not be this horrible hurdle, this pain-filled departure. and in the same breath, it's a release, and sometimes, growth is painful.

case in point: my stress number three: thursday dan had pretty much hit the low point in his life. or maybe this year. who knows. at any rate, there were lots of tears and sobbing involved, and it became something more, something that bared emotions and pared them down to the minimum: he needs help. i need help. we need help.

what was once an emotionally healthy relationship is not that any more. it's stemming from so many things, so many different items, that i can't put into words what they are. it's too much. we're both resenting each other, resenting where we are in life, and worst of all: blaming.

i never wanted it to be like this. i didn't realize that it had gotten so awful, for him. or for me, i suppose. i know that life doesn't hand you happiness on a platter; it's just not like that. but it shouldn't be like this either.

we both agree that we want to try. we want things to work. we have issues with trust, but we are both willing to see a counselor and see if there is a hope. i still love dan. i always will; he's a part of my soul, someone who inspires me and makes me want to do better. the problem is, we're both in the same rut--careers are not what we thought we were going to do, which dribbles over into life being not what we wanted. and then it's back to resenting the other person. mindless, endless loop.

i pray that something good can come of this, that perhaps we can take what we started with and make it into something good again, something healthy and something worth being a part of.

i'm very good at sweeping things under the rug. if i don't like where life is going, i hide. i stick my head in the sand and just wait until i think it's "over." in reality, it doesn't work that way. things happen, people interact, and words are spoken. and with or without you, life moves on.

i think that for a long time i've mistaken my own apathy for patience, and my own depression for someone else's. you often see what you want to see, and hear what you want to hear, whether that's good or bad. i thought that things were going along just fine; i could see that dan was depressed, and thought that i was being patient. in reality, we were both depressed, and i was once again being apathetic--if i wait long enough, it will pass.

but it doesn't. it doesn't ever pass. it comes back. it's karma, it's wishful thinking, it's whatever you want to call it. but it won't go away just by wishing it so. when dan said that he would accept help, i was tearily overjoyed. i was so glad, so glad, so glad--because part of me was thinking that was the only way i could ask for help, if he was going to as well.

in retrospect, it's a curious chain of events that leads you to the point we are at, the impasse that we have been at for years, or months, or days. i just am clinging right now to the hope of all hopes that perhaps we have a chance. is it possible that us, that dan and kim, could be over? do i want it to be? no, i don't. of all people i have met, dan is the one who makes me laugh, makes me smile, and understands me the best. he's like a peice of my own soul.

when i think about it, as a whole, i am so overwhelmed that i cannot see straight. i can't deal with all of it. and that's when my head wants to get popped into the ground. that's when i want to hide. usually, it is when i hide. i take myself into the ground, i bury myself in earth, i remove myself from existence because i have this mistaken belief that i am either not worth as much as i am, and that the world can get on just fine without me, or that when i open my eyes and snow white myself awake, the world will have changed and my prince charming, the one i knew when i was awake before, will be miraculously happy.

today i'm going to go over to tish's house for a night of wine and wise, witty women. i'm going to put my head in the sand about a few issues--just to get to tomorrow, and to get to the day after that, and the day after that, when maybe, just maybe, i can ask for help--and days after that when i can get the help i think i might need. maybe find the help that dan and i need.

so send some good energy this way. i'm not as hard up as others, but i'll take whatever is sent. (: