I slept for a long time last night. Just kept sleeping and sleeping. Before I actually pulled the covers up and called it a day, I made out my to-do list for the weekend. Which is longer than lists I used to make as a kid for Santa.
Woke up at 1130 and now don't want to do anything on the list. For some reason I'm craving a visit to my parent's house, when I was just there last weekend for a bit on Friday night and Sat am. Dunno. Just one of those cravings you get.
I also tried pulling off the fake nails last night. Not so fun. I got two of them off but the rest are cemented onto my nails. Well, glued actually...with no intention of vacating. I give. They don't look bad but they're making doing normal things very difficult. Also I feel kind of as girly as I ever want to feel. "Dan, could you open this can of pop for me?" Mother of god. Please.
But it's Samhain. I want my house cleaned up and smudged within an inch of its life right now, for the start of the new year. And conversely, after the last few weeks of work, little to no sleep and a most excellent and full moon enhanced bout of pms, I just want to cry.
I feel used up again. Tired and hollow. I look around the house and I have one roommate who is home ALL THE TIME but the house is still a mess. The dishwasher is clean--empty it! It's not that difficult, is it? I think I'm in a holding pattern right now, akin to Sisyphus. I need a break, a week off, something. Time to go bury myself under some leaves and recharge.
Winter and autumn have always been my favorite times of year. I love the smell of them, the cool feel on skin, the winds burning my face. My sister's message scribbled down by Dan the other day was about Mom's 60th birthday. Just those words are enough to make me cringe. Sixty? She can't be sixty. She's only 40. Right? Samhain is a time for remembering and starting fresh. Sloughing off the old skin and inviting in the new.
Tonight I'm going to a party that I've been looking forward to for a long while now. I have to admit that I wanted Dan to come with me, but he doesn't want to go. So he'll be home and I'll be there. Maybe I can talk him into driving me in case of drunken behavior on my part. But that's just a cheap ploy because I want him to meet my new friends. I want them to like him. I have this need right now to belong to something. When I was up north I did--I could go into the woods and just be. It's taken me two years to find new friends down here. I haven't lost any of my old friends--but they're all involved in lives they created down here, up there. I've been feeling very dis-attached. And now when I am feeling attached to something, and I want to share it with Dan, and I knew that this would be the case from the get go, I still am letting myself feel bad about it.
The doing list beckons. I better get my butt in gear and get going. My house and my life need some organizing. Cheers, all--I hope that Samhain brings you both remembrance and renewal.
1 comment:
It's not just you; I've been feeling the same way lately, though it's kind of an extension of feelings I've been having for a few years now. I feel like I've been losing touch with people--you, included--and it just leaves me with this panicky sensation that makes me want to latch on and sob uncontrollably until the Fates step in and say, "Okay okay okay, we'll put things back the way they were, as long as you stop bawling all over my shoes."
I know it's unavoidable, but there are times when I so desperately miss things the way they used to be. So much has changed, and while not all change is bad, there are days when I just wish for the chance to be back in one of Gurney's lectures, sitting in the back of the lecture hall and drawing stupid doodles back and forth in each others' notebooks. Such simple times, when the biggest concern we had was whether or not we'd pass the midterm. I miss those days.
I actually caught myself missing dorm life tonight, which is absolutely crazy, for all I complained about it. But I think I miss that social cameraderie, the knowledge that if I was lonely, all I had to do was walk across the hall and pound on my neighbor's door, and there would be someone there to chew the fat for a few minutes. I miss that. I also miss getting phone bills that were under $10 each month. :P
I don't know if I have any words of wisdom for you. I have a wisdom jar, but it's almost always empty, and I'm caught rattling around the scrapings whenever I need it. :P But sometimes, I feel as though my head should be turned around backward on my body, for all the time I spend looking back at the past and wishing I was still there. Maybe if I spent more time looking forward, I'd find more things to like, but you know how it goes. And just for the record, I miss you like nobody's business. *hugs* I'd brave the Cities if it meant being able to reconnect again. I miss that so much.
--Sara
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