exhaustion and ideas

while sitting backstage at ren fest, i have copious amounts of time to think and consider. for a few hours of morning and afternoon, there's no one back there but people who're napping and such, and it gives the the opportunity to write, or read, or play solitare.

none of which i've done thus far, mainly because i'm lazy. i think. (;

anyway, the time in which i've been mulling has been informative, if not interesting for me. i've come up with a few main ideas that are rolling around in my brain, some of which make sense and some of which require further thought.

first of all is that i am sick of the games and drama that have evolved. after the other day when i talked with the crisis team in our county, i know i have options, and so does dan, if he wants to take them. i can support him and i can show up with him, but in the end, it's once again his decision, and not mine, and i have to keep that first in my mind. because otherwise i end up feeling as though i have enabled behavior that i don't think of as healthy.

part of my issue is that dan is going through all of this, and he needs to learn to deal with emotions that hurt in a healthy way, instead of hiding from them in a bottle, etc. we talked about this last night; i realize he is trying his hardest, but sometimes my inner taskmaster wants more. and there is only so much i can ask of him.

so i guess my thing at the moment is that i have to learn when to walk away. yes, this sounds like a kenny rogers song: know when to walk away, know when to run. but it's harder to apply than learning some other habits.

the second thing is that i'm not angry with serena any more. if i am, it's not for what she did in may, it's for what she's doing now, because to me, it feels childish. my sister beth gave me the silent treatment when she was 13. i'm a bit older now, and so is she, and so is serena. perhaps, in serena's world, this is her kenny rogers moment and this is when she had to walk away. that's fine. but it would have been nice to get some notice. it would have been nice to know she cared.

doing what she is doing makes me think that she does not care, that she never did care. i'd like to think differently, because she was my friend, and there are still a number of years of living left to be done, and she's generally a great person. perhaps, like dan, she is having a hard time forgiving herself. i haven't got the foggiest, and at this point, i'm not sure if she ever will share any of it.

but instead of dwelling on the fact that she's not saying anything, i have to focus on the fact that by doing this, she is also missing out on things. if she was talking i could tell her about the ren fest, and how highland fling was last weekend and she missed the kilt contest, and how they had a t-shirt this year that said "official kilt inspector."

course, she's also missing a lot of basic bipolar drama. i can say in all honesty, though, that you have to take the sweet with the sour--there's no way around it. that's what life dishes out.

i tried to be angry yesterday, when i was driving home, and i realized that i just wasn't. i was annoyed because she's removed herself from the board, but i wasn't angry. i've had to grow a set of cojones to deal with what's going on; so has eero. dan's having to deal with all kinds of emotions he never recognized before, and has had to develop tools to deal with them. i'm feeling annoyed because despite the fact that i was ticked off at her about the affair, i forgave her.

which makes me then wonder if she ever did care, and then i'm back to square one, not angry, just wondering, and trying not to. the saying goes that actions speak louder than words; i read her letter, where she said she cares, but then i'm not sure how to interpret her actions. which at the moment, are telling me that she really doesn't give a damn, when i hope that she does.

so i'm trying to deal with what i've been thinking. about knowing when to walk away so that i'm not enabling, about how i'm feeling about serena's actions. i'm trying to find a way to make it all work properly and sometimes i fail and sometimes i keep going. all i know is that i'm tired, and when i'm tired, sitting in skirts and a bodice and being sweaty and warm, and dozing in my chair, the ideas flow like honey.

off to work, hugs all.