sometimes i lose my balance. it's not just because of the deaf ear thing, either; it's because i let myself get really skewered by the day's events, or because i worry myself into a hissy fit.
i'd like to say that i'm a very balanced individual, but i'm not. if i'm doing something, it's either all or nothing. there doesn't seem to be a happy medium. things run through me--to explain, i think of it in terms of my reading habits. it's very, very difficult for me to sit down and just read one chapter of a book. i want to just read the whole thing, or read until my eyes close because i'm too tired to keep reading.
which i think is why i have so many books by my bed.
but it leadeth me down strange paths, to be this way. last night i should have been reading my payroll book, for class tonight. but instead i watched family guy w/ dan, ran to the store, ate dinner, and then nearly finished a book before nodding off around midnight.
someday i'd like to be one of those consistent people who reads a chapter a night, and has the self control or whatever it is to STOP and then just read the next chapter the next night.
do i hang on because i'm afraid? i know that one of the reasons i enjoy books so much is that the future is all contained in that one handy little fiber-laden binding. the people i'm reading about have a pre-ordained existence. it's all very safe, no matter what kind of book you're reading. it has a beginning, a middle, an end. i quake, thinking about this, because it reminds me that i had a beginning, i'm at the middle, and somewhere in the hazy future is my own end.
yesterday at work i couldn't focus. i was worried because i hadn't heard from dan much, but then my own emails in return were sporadic. got home to find that he'd cycled from manic over the weekend to depressed today, for good reasons, all of it. sometimes i envy his cycling, as he goes from optimistic and engaged in things to tired and listless. i just always feel tired and listless; i have to really force myself into action, when i know it's required.
right now, i need to force myself out of the chair for numerous reasons--mainly because it's almost 815 and i have to be at work in 45 minutes, 15 of which i should be driving. i still have to shower, dress, primp and make lunch. and clean the litterbox, quickly, as well, from the odors wafting about the house. and yet i type.
i feel like the family reunion, about which i'll write more later, was the last thing on my list. i feel a bit at sea, because i'm not looking forward to anything large and event-related. it's down to the minutae, which aren't a bad place to be, but at the same time, aren't exactly fun all the time, either. there are things about which i am excited--the ravenloft game, autumn rolling in, seeing my therapist, sci fi fridays... sometimes it just gets difficult to hang onto optimism when the cloud of pessimism over my head starts to rain.
but i'm trying. i'm going to get ready in record time and speed to work, and go to class tonight, and smile the whole time. home around 8 and then in bed by 10. it just doesn't sound like what i want on my menu today, but it's what's there, so i guess i should try to make the best of it.
cheers (:
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