anxiety

so using the theory of coginitive behavior therapy--in which you try to give yourself time to process things both emotionally and logically, instead of allowing your limbic system to run amok--i had a good practice this afternoon, and this morning as well.

perhaps it's just rationalizing and i didn't use it at all. but it helped me stop and think, instead of just blindly hurrying into despair and fear, which is my usual mode of panic.

so why the panic, you ask? well, i got worried because i emailed dan and he hadn't emailed back. this was late morning, when i had my first "attack" or whatever you'd call it. so i'm sitting there getting sick to my stomach, the tension is building, balloons are popping and my nerves are shot. i think, wait, he's probably at lunch, he's probably very busy, why am i worrying? i know why i'm worrying: it's because that's what i do.

i worry about everything--things i don't need to worry about are usually at the top of my list, ie, other people, and a future that i cannot control.

so i micromanage the moment, and sometimes i let the moment micromanage me.

which sucks ass.

so i started to rationalize. perhaps that's not the healthy way to do things. but it's what i had to do. by lunch time around 130 i was doing just fine. i kept thinking, he'll email, he'll let me know that he's okay, etc. so naturally by the time it got to be later, i was in full panic mode. no emails, the phone's off at the moment so no phone calls...the list goes on. i left work and pretty much ran home, trying to shed this anxious skin--to no avail. my only salve for the panic that was racing through my veins was the fact that he was going to see thaddeus tonight.

and now i am trying to use up the adrenaline that's been spurred onward and upward by my spiralling brain by doing something to release it: writing about it.

is that healthy? who the hell knows. i think it feels good, because i'm letting it out. but at the same time, it prods me into worry over a whole nother set of items that i cannot control: how dan is doing now, while he's with thaddeus. what my parents are up to. why my sister hasn't emailed me back. what serena's up to.

i worry about teresa and jeff, and how they're holding together. i worry about the price of gas and how much it costs, i worry about why my stomach isn't feeling good.

mainly, i spend my day avoiding thinking about things so that i don't have to worry. and then sometimes you can't control it, it grows beyond your comprehension, and suddenly you've got godzilla coming out of the ocean and you're stumped.

who do you call? the ghostbusters?

it's always a surprise to me to see this happening. as if it didn't happen two days ago, or a week before that. i can be the most level headed person during large events. but the little things are the things that are my great wall of china between me and life.

thinking about this makes me try to understand it, because that is the best way to disarm an angry, hungry thought--learn about it, comprehend it. then it's not so scary.

so i break down why i'm panicking about not getting an email from dan, or from anyone else, for that matter:

1. it makes me feel forgotten.
2. it makes me feel left out.
3. it makes me feel that i am not worth enough to be remembered. which is the easiest part to rationalize, because i have a poor sense of self worth.
4. i'm concerned about the person in question. i want to know how they're doing.
5. i feel the need to keep tabs on things.

i think about things from the point of epictetus, who says that you have to realize what you can control and what you cannot.

1. i cannot control that i am not getting an email or a phone call, etc. i can control WHO i call and email, however.
2. i cannot control it if others forget me; i can only remember me, and know that i am not really forgotten.
3. i can be concerned about another person, but i cannot keep tabs on them. nor should i work myself into a fit of emotional knots over any of this, because the only person it's harming is me. and i'm no good to anyone else if i'm in panic mode.

so that brings me to now. i have to take stock of where i am at, what i need to do in order to live properly at the moment: let it all go. if i don't, i won't ever accomplish any of the items on my list.

1. probably eat something for dinner.
2. pay bills
3. watch last week's sg1 and battlestar galatica
4. drop a book off at the library
5. go and get tomatoes for the taco lunch tomorrow

so i'm going to TRY to move through the panic. i'm going to TRY to eat something, which might help my stomach out. i'm going to TRY to continue, and i'm going to TRY to avoid my own internal melodrama, because it's not helping me in the least.

so there you have it. acts one, two and three of kim's very own opera of anxiety.