getting it off my chest

lately i've been doing a lot of that. with friends, with writing, with whatever form of mental vomiting i can do. i keep thinking of that one print, the one of the woman sleeping and that little dark gremlin bending over her, sitting on her chest.

i feel like that's what i've got. when i stand up, it sits on my shoulder. when i sleep, it curls up near my belly. it's on the edge of the tub, it's waiting for me when i have nothing to occupy my thoughts.

this morning dan was looking at this book nathan loaned him, called delivered from distraction. it's for folks w/ add but add and bipolar are often misdiagnosed, because you have many of the same characteristics. add people are prone to depression, and what the authors call "slide"--very interesting, and something i think i can apply to myself, as well.

S stands for Self Attack
L stands for Life Attack
I stands for Imagining the Worst
D stands for Dread
E stands for Escape

self attack is thinking the worst of yourself, life attack is thinking the worst of life and the world, and the last three are pretty explanatory. the book also discusses spin, which is another acronym i found interesting:

S stands for Shame
P stands for Pessimism and Negativity
I stands for Isolation
N stands for No Creative, Productive Outlet

moreso than slide, spin makes sense to me. i see myself doing this all the time--searching for something, not knowing what. i have this feeling i should be more, should be able to do more, focus better, you name it. and when i give up before i start these things, it leads directly into being ashamed of myself. that channels into pessimism and isolation, which is where i've been, on and off, for the last two weeks. since i found out what had really been going on with dan and serena--i isolated myself. i think for a while, it was good, because i needed to hibernate with my feelings and sort them out, see what i was trying to accomplish, etc. but after that it was just me isolating myself and beating myself up with the facts and truth.

i told dan a few days ago that i needed a project--he asked what, and i said, something big to sand and paint. i would settle for another buffet or dresser, but at the same time, what i need is house-sized. i have a lot of frustration, and i need something more creative than writing to get it out of me.

yesterday i told the tdoc that when i get angry, i clean, i walk, i write. she said those were good things. i haven't done ANY of them but write since this started. we've tried walking more, and i have cleaned some things, but it's the the physical explosion that it used to be when i was trying to sense out the path before me.

at any rate, i have a busy morning. i'm moving my ultrasound around because i think that dan needs someone to go to the pdoc with him; i need to be in the know, so to speak, on what's going on, and not get things second hand through dan. he's in a good place today, or a better place than yesterday, but i don't think he's keeping his mood charts, and he did offer to go with me when i got my ultrasound. the thing at this point is that the ultrasound can be moved around; the pdoc visit cannot, as he has to stay on a fairly rigid schedule as far as visiting to control the meds goes.

then i need to do a bunch of stuff on my list--oil change, etc--and find something to make for dinner. after dinner, it's support group night. so that should be interesting.

this whole week off thing needs to automatically be TWO weeks, because i have a lot to get done, but i'm just now relaxed enough to focus on it! i surrender. LOL