t-doc

that's the short form of talk-doc. i finally have one, and i saw her for the first time today. she's a very nice woman; said i could ask her whatever i wanted to. i really didn't have the chance, as i'm a talkative person, and once you put a quarter in me, you get one extra hour for free. (;

her name is helene. i was picturing someone tall, svelte, modern. what i got was shorter than me, kind of reminded me of my mother crossed with my aunt, roz, kind and willing to laugh. which was probably the most important part. we discussed dan, discussed my childhood, discussed my family, mainly my dad. it's hard to sum it all up because we did go over a lot of stuff. but it was a good thing, to go. i had an idea that it would be, after going to one of dan's therapy sessions with his tdoc, but you just never know.

the only thing looming over my head now is the cost. i'm petrified that my insurance company will say, we're covering it, and then not cover it and send me a bill for the rest. i'm in agony over this, and i don't know how to phrase it for my insurance people to understand.

i also know that it is something for which i cannot put a price--i need this therapy. she mentioned dysthymia, which is something that i find interesting, mainly because i've looked it up a few times in conjunction with dan's diagnosis. basically it comes down to this:

***

Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia, is a type of depression that lasts for at least 2 years. Some people suffer from dysthymia for many years. Their depression is usually mild or moderate, rather than severe. Most people with dysthymia can't tell for sure when they first became depressed.

Symptoms of dysthymic disorder include a poor appetite or overeating, difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much, low energy, fatigue and feelings of hopelessness. People with dysthymic disorder may have periods of normal mood that last up to 2 months. Family members and friends may not even know that their loved one is depressed. Even though this type of depression is mild, it may make it difficult for a person to function at home, school or work

***

interesting. i don't know how long i've been this way, but it describes a LOT of what i am going through. the whole severe pms probably wasn't helping, but the pill seems to be working on my hormones pretty darn well. the blood pressure meds...not so much. apparently they tend to bring out feelings of depression in people prone to it. my regular family physician said she wanted to watch and wait on that, to see if the pill cleared things up. but i think talking to the psychologist, and eventually finding some kind of thought process that actually might apply better to what is going on in my head, might be the most helpful.

i'm praying right now that i don't have to see a psychiatrist as well, and be put on antidepressants or the like. healthcare, as professed by my earlier rant on the subject, is painful. they just don't make it easy, or affordable, to get yourself in good health. all the practitioners have made me feel comfortable, even when i don't want to be where i am--at the doctor. but the more i dwell on the price i pay for this comfort, and for the tests and for the removal of polyps and crap, the worse i feel mentally.

so someone cross your fingers and pray i win on the scratch off. LOL

in other news...talked to nathan today, had a lovely walk in swede hollow park downtown st paul. it's a neat area, and nathan is a neat person--always willing to talk and listen, and boy does he give good advice. (; so props to nathan.

annabel also called tonight. she's one of my extended sisters from bemidji, who has since moved out of the vortex and back home. her girls, the last time we talked, were in first grade and kindergarten, respectfully. now they're in 4th and 3rd grades!!! eep! she promised to send me pictures and an email, so i will now wait.

waiting by computer is over. LOL i'm exhausted, physically (that walk wasn't too long but it's more humid than a conservatory out there right now, and hot to boot) and mentally (talking about things takes something out of you!!! even in a safe and healthy environs like the tdoc!). i'm off to brush teeth and call it a day--too tired to keep trucking for this girl!!!

hugs all (: