angry chair

dan posts a lot of lyrics on his blog, things that reflect how he's feeling. one of my favorite angry songs is "angry chair" by alice in chains; it's not just the words, it's the feeling when you hear layne staley growling and singing, and jerry on the guitar...beauty.

i realized that while i was driving today, that i'm angry yet. will be for a while. i want to throw something at serena, i want to punch something, i want to yell at dan. i'm sure that this will go on for a while, until it has burned through my system. i remember stories of the great fire of chicago, and how it just burned and burned. i'm angry with myself for not realizing what was going on, for not standing up for myself, for not throwing myself between them, for assuming that everything was "okay."

i'm angry at myself for forgiving the actions; i have yet to forgive the dishonesty. that's a much bigger hurdle, in my mind. but the actions i can forgive, because they're very human. so is the dishonesty, if i turn my mind in that manner. but it's much more difficult to comprehend than the actual actions themselves; bodies work in ways that minds do not.

i want to forgive the lies; i do. i want to do it so that i can move forward. but i don't want to force it, and i can't. it has to happen on its own.

i'm feeling sarcastic and bitchy right now, so bear with me.

some part of me is replaying last saturday right now, when i dug deep enough and got the truth. i still want to use this anger constructively, but the heating pad i'm working on sewing just doesn't seem physical enough. i think i need to wash a car or build a house, something much more vital. maybe repaint the sistine chapel. i need to feel productive in a much bigger way. i guess i'll have to work on finding it. (;

i've done a lot of reading online about affairs. i know i said that earlier. they say it can take up to 2 years before you feel recovered from the affair. i understand that, because i'm so up and down and all over that it's nearly humorous. i want to be alone; i want to call a friend. i want to watch a movie; i want to read a book. i want to sew a heating pad; i want to sit and cry. i think i just need to focus on something.

in a while i'm going to watch "the joy luck club" because i feel like bawling my eyes out. i don't want to watch it with anyone. i just know that i need to cry until i'm all sobbed out, and then i can get down to the nitty gritty of housework and laundry and the rest of life.

anyway, i never posted those lyrics to that alice in chains song. they're not pretty and the song itself is not pretty, but there's beauty even in anger. i'm just trying to funnel it so that i have something to show for the emotions i feel, and i guess a heating pad in lieu of the sistine chapel, is good enough. (:

before anyone panics, i know i can make it through this. i just know that it's going to take time to do so. rome, as they say, wasn't built in a day.

the anger, and the joy--they come and go, like thunderstorms in june, like snow in november. eventually they'll settle down again. i know it, because i have faith in the good of the human soul.

Angry Chair (Alice in Chains)

Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air
Stomach hurts and I don’t care
What do I see across the way
See myself molded in clay
Stares at me, yeah I’m afraid
Changing the shape of his face

Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair
Little boy made a mistake
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees, time to pray, boy

I don’t mind, yeah
I don’t mind, i-i-i
I don’t mind, yeah,
I don’t mind, i-i-i
Lost my mind, yeah
But I don’t mind, i-i-i
Can’t find it anywhere
I don’t mind

Corporate prison, we stay
I’m a dull boy, work all day
So I’m strung out anyway

Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide
Weight of my heart, not the size

Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees time to pray