lately i've been craving books. not just a good book to fill the hours, but books i remember from my childhood, books that remind me of happier days and fill me with a sense of some type of eternal reminder that life CAN be good.
so i've been reading deerskin, by robin mckinley. which i bought because i liked the cover. the book is one of the most powerful i've read--it's a story about healing, and the redeeming power of having good people around you. it's actually the redoing of a fairy tale originally done i think by charles perrault called donkeyskin. it has a semi-sweet ending--happy but a tinged with sorrow--and i like that. i remember after corey died i read that book about 17 times--over, and over, and over.
the other book i'm reading right now is charlie and the chocolate factory, by roald dahl. it was inspired after seeing the movie yesterday--which was well done and enjoyable, and as tim burton as you can get. the thing i don't like about the movie was willy himself--in the book he's not a sad man, he's a bit hyper and manic, but he's not sad. he actually CARES about the people on the ride, and there's no undertone of him being entirely nuts. the thing i love about the book is that the whole thing--stem to stern--is about hope, something that comes and goes like the sun with me as of late. i love roald dahl's writing; it's sharp and to the point, but with enough embellishments and descriptors that i can read it at age 29 just as happily as i did when i was 7, and love it just as much.
the other book i'm reading is by peggy vaughn, the monogamy myth. it's about affairs (go figure LOL) and why people have them, and how to move on after them, and why people leave relationships because of them, and why they stay. it's very interesting, and insightful. her husband had a series of affairs after they were married for 11 years, and in spite of this, they decided to stay together and try again.
we're kind of on the same path, depending on the day. being in a relationship with a bipolar person who cycles rapidly kind of keeps things uneven; some days it feels like he really wants to try, and other days i feel like it's a lost cause. dan likened it to a teeter-totter the other day, and it's the truth. course, all of life could be summed up in that image, too.
i've been feeling a lot of familial pressure to get out of the relationship, mainly because dan sent out this letter explaining about his bipolar and explaining that we weren't together anymore. which at the time WAS a mutual decision. the thing about being bipolar is that i guess you don't make decisions based on all the facts, and you don't give yourself time to make an accurate decision, and one that you can live with; so now that he's got all his options in front of him, he's reconsidering all of them.
i'm still quite angry with him. i'll be honest. friday i could have just walked away and not looked back. i was out at a friend's house for sci fi friday, which generally speaking means booze, cake and food. at around 1115 or so my purse started ringing; realized i had a few voicemails. one of them was eero, hoping i was on my way home. the other was dan, wondering where i was, clearly drunk. i called home, only to discover that eero was in his room, waiting for reinforcements. (; dan apparently had a few beers, at home, and was laying on the floor listening to tunes. scared the piss out of me and eero. i had eero call darin, who had the prescence of mind to call poison control, as dan's on horse pills and who knows how alcohol will affect that. per poison control it will just make the person depressed and tired, which he was. darin came over, we sat around shooting the shit and got him into bed eventually. he slept it off and then saturday was a really good day. by that i mean, no swings up, no swings down. he kept himself on an even keel all day long.
it's THAT which keeps me going. i think back to when our relationship was "good" and i remember all the things about it that i enjoyed about it, and on the bad days, those memories waver. i can see them, in the past, waving out at me. and then i can see the future, and who cans see the future? in dreams i see snippets of it, but they are interspersed with possessed stuffed animals and other crap. it's like looking for your favorite ring in with litter, these dreams.
it's also THAT which makes me scared. one of the ladies i work with is bipolar, and she said that i just have to give it time, that eventually the meds will be right and he won't be so up and down all the time. and i don't want people to think that i am weak, for thinking about staying with dan. it's going to be a lot of work. i don't want my brother to rough him up, well...maybe just a little. i want him to understand that what happened previously can not happen again, and i want him to understand the depth of my pain. but it's a pain that, with time, grows smaller.
our relationship has been better for the past weeks, if for no other reason than he's being honest with me. if i ask him a question, i get the full monty for an answer. if i need help with something, he's johnny on the spot. i know that part of it is dan trying to make up for what he's done wrong. but i also know that this is what we used to do, ages ago.
since he's not spending all of his time online, we've been able to do things outside the house--last night we cleaned house playing trivia at a local pub, before which we were over at darin and cathy's helping paint the shed, and dan and darin moved appliances downstairs. (they're tiling their basement, and have a half-kitchen downstairs.)
my other issue right now is that i have to call people back. i haven't been very good about that, because i'm so tired of having to rehash everything over and over. people whom i've not spoken to since dan's email, or people who know part of what's going on, are still in the first stage of "he did what? and why are you still there?" when i've moved past that point. it's frustrating because i find myself saying the same things over and over. i also have problems doing things like using the computer and phone after i've been on the phone and glued to my monitor for 8 hours at work. the last thing i want to do is hook myself up and become chained to my house.
annabel called the other day; dan spoke to her at length. i haven't called her back. haven't called nathan, either, and these are two people i WOULD LOVE to talk to. i'm hoping that with the next week being vacation i can do so and feel okay about it! i finally spoke to cari, but that's been my limit right now. i'm tired of the explaining. but i'm sure that i'm going to have to do it a great many times and even more in the future; but by staying here, i guess i've set myself up for the explaining. dan and i both decided the other day that it would be so much nicer to have a brochure to send out, or offer, when people ask questions.
today i don't kn ow what i'm going to do; stay out of the heat, i'm guessing. it's sweltering here. i doubt we've had a day under 89 degrees for the past week, and it's looking like that's where it's going to stay. which consequently means that i'm going to stay inside, where it's air conditioned, and try to get the a.c. funk out of the air (after days of not having the windows open it starts to get a certain smell...)
so yeah. that's where i'm at. off to finish charlie and the chocolate factory. (;
3 comments:
For what it's worth, I consider that what you've said here is all I need to know--if you want me to know more, you'll tell me, and it's not polite to pry. So you can safely talk to me, and I won't ask all sorts of uncomfortable questions. ;) Not saying that to entice a phone call or anything; just saying.
As for the "why are you still with him?" question, it brings to mind two bits of philosophy that I tend to hang onto, with regard to my friendships and such. One is that I've always said that I seek out people whom I admire, for some reason or another. The reasons differ, but typically, when I meet someone, I'll know right away whether or not I'll want to be friends with that person, and it's usually because I can see that the person has something in particular that I'm drawn to or admire; usually a characteristic or personality trait that might not be visible on the surface, but is there, like something hidden underwater. So I stick with it, even if things get difficult or that person doubts why I would keep trying to be their friend, because I know in my heart that that person has something special about them that makes it all the more worthwhile to befriend. I did that a lot with C last year when she was going through her own battles with her depression.
The other thing is something that someone told me a few years back about friendship. She said that relationships are like bank accounts; you need to invest in them. Over times, the good things you do, whatever they are, are like deposits into the account. Obviously, the more work you invest into the bank account, the more 'deposits' are made. On the contrast, every bad thing you do, whatever they are, are like withdrawals. So for example, two people who have made a lot of 'deposits' into their friendship account can let bigger things roll because the amount in their friendship account can cover the amount of the withdrawal, though they'll have to work at building up the savings, of course. But a relationship where the account is small might suffer from a serious infraction, and it might mean the end of the friendship.
What I'm getting to with this is that you and Dan have a tremendous amout of life savings in your relationship account. Is that enough to cover what has happened? I don't know. That's a question you have to ask yourselves, and no one else is privy to information about your relationship account. But that's also why I can understand why you didn't just throw him to the curb and say "that's it!!!" when the truth came out. You've got a lot invested in each other, AND I'd guess that like me, you have been able to see something in him that's worth hanging onto, that's not worth letting go, even if the issue at question is something major. And maybe you'll change your mind after a few months, and maybe you won't, but you know what? That's your decision to make. No one else should influence it for you.
I'm getting a bit rambly here, but I just wanted to say I'm thinking about you, and I for one don't question why you're sticking around. :) Oh! And if I think of any good books to recommend, I will.
--Sara
thank you, sara...you know, just when i need advice, the apple falls off the tree and i find it--from one of my friends. thank you again (;
Books are good comforters - I like to read the CS Lewis 'Narnia' series when I'm vulnerable. It's got a religious subtext, but I ignore this and just wallow in the magic. For some odd reason I also like dystopian fiction: like 1984, Handmaid's Tale, etc etc. Perhaps I enjoy it because I am transported to a world that is even worse than this one, so then this world feels quite nice!
Take care
B
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