it's a bright gray day out side right now. bright because of the snow, because the sky is this pillow-soft shade of off-white-gray, which is all bright because of the sun, which is apparently taking the day off. it's what the world would look like during the day if the moon was bigger, i think.
it's going to be a long day. i say this because i'm tired, and 9 hours of work is not something to look forward to. also most of the work i just flat out don't want to do. i am tired of deciding who created what problem--can i not just solve them in peace? just come to the conclusion? it's exhausting. add to that the job duties, which just keep piling up, and you have apathy.
even if i am there, i'm not going to be much good.
which tires me. i dislike going to a job and feeling that i'm both A: making no headway and B: doing no good.
i have a week of vacation coming up. i have a new car. i'm seriously thinking about leaving my job.
at the same time, there are things i would miss dearly: my friends, the lax attitudes towards off color humor and downright nasty language, wearing clothing that at a normal business casual place would be considered out...these are things i would miss. it makes me scared to think that at another job i might not have these things. and yet at the same time, the way management is going, i'm tired of it. sick of the office. sick of the politics of the office, and tired of the machinations of my supervisor, who i'm sure is suffering the trickle down effect and just passing the shit onto the rest of us.
but that doesn't make it fair.
you know what i hate? i hate guilt trips. i'm guilty of handing them out with the best, but i despise being guilt tripped, or made to feel guilty. i've tried for many years to shake myself of this habit because it's both unhealthy and ridiculously self-centered. but it's hard not to when you get into a meeting and your boss says: "because of what's going on with you guys, this is what i did on my vacation" and then launches into a powerpoint presentation with graphs and charts that basically point out the fact that WE SUCK ROCKS right now.
he could have just put up two screens and saved an hour of slideshow: You're shitty. slide two: Fix it.
i like to think of myself as a creative person. i really do. but put me in that office environ and i turn into this skip-to-the-end, stop-wasting-my-time bitch.
of course, in typical kim fashion, heaven forbid that i stand up for myself or say something about how crappy this makes me feel, because it might hurt someone else.
i've inherited, from my parents, this fear that if i say the wrong thing or do something wrong, i'll be punished and my job will be revoked. and then i'll be stuck trying to find another job.
which is kind of where i've put myself, anyway. i guess it's like your arm slowly rotting off, and you not going to the doctor until it's gone, and then saying, so doc, what can you do for me.
i shouldn't be surprised and yet i am.
additionally, i had a lovely time w/ nathan last night--had dinner at the chatterbox and then coffee at vera's afterwards--but whatever i ate is causing internal distress. i think it was that blessedly delicious hamburger, which had feta cheese, roasted cloves of garlic (whole), sun dried tomatoes, and some kind of creamy pesto spread, all on rosemary focaccia. delish. but beef isn't something i eat often, and yikes do i remember why. (;
anyway off to work, someone wish me luck and sci fi friday, here i come!
1 comment:
A week of vacation? You can come and visit meeeee! XD Then I can see your new car and we can go out for a belated birthday dinner. But really, your plans are your plans, and I promise I won't be absolutely crushed if it's not a possibility.
Ah, jobs. Where would we be without them? :P One of the things that irritates me the most about my mother is the fact that she can be very pragmatic about certain situations. Where I want to just rant and wave my arms around a lot and complain, she always offers advice and tries to pose it in such a way that I have to actually think about what I'm ranting about. And she always said, when I'd complain about work, that it's work because it's work, and your job isn't necessarily supposed to be fun (I disagree, but that's another ramble for another time). She said that it doesn't matter where you work; you're always going to hate something about it and wish you were doing something else, so you might as well be happy where you are.
But then again...at what point do we need to step back and say, "whoa, this isn't working, I HATE my job"? I guess if you're trying to find good things about your job and the list of bad things is a great deal longer....
Don't know where I'm going with this, but I do know that life is too short to be stuck in a soul-sucking job you hate. *hugs*
--Sara
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