can i just say this? i HATE being on all these drugs. i despise it. i'm sure that there are folks out there who take handfuls more, and i should be thankful that i just take this little bit, but i'm starting to feel like alice--drink this, eat this, grow tall, grow small.
are things better when i am on my drugs? i have to admit that yes, they are.
my blood pressure drug really does lower my blood pressure.
my hormone drug really does control my hormones.
my depression drug really does help keep my depression smaller.
and my favorite drug, my adhd drug, really does keep me focused.
the last time i was at the doctor i said that i didn't think that my cocktail was working quite right. my dr rocks; she pulled up all the visits we've had and went over the little test that i take whenever i go in. i didn't want to be on wellbutrin anymore, because i didn't think it was doing anything for my adhd.
then the world had to show me up. i got this thing from my perscription company stating that i needed to start buying meds thru the mail. why, you ask? because it cuts down on price for them. yay. the new rule was that i could get a refill twice but then after that, the refills would be normal price, and not the price that my insurance company covers.
fine. dandy. i order them by mail.
and in the mean time, i run out.
the pill that scares me the most is my blood pressure tablet. without it, my blood pressure ranges pretty far into the Ick Numbers--the ones where nurses take it and say, "are you feeling okay? you should be having a stroke." i actually stopped by the pharmacy and the pharmacist was kind enough to give me a few tablets to get by.
anyway, i didn't think that not being on wellbutrin would be a big deal. it didn't seem like it had made that big of a difference to me, while on it. however my doctor apparently didn't go to school for nothing: in combination with the lexapro (which is for depression and dysphoric disorder) the wellbutrin really does make a difference.
i think i was out of it for a good solid month. being stubborn i didn't worry, and i certainly didn't call the pharmacy looking for extra tablets.
and things slid down hill: my house kind of has piled up, work showed a lack of focus, and i really have been drifting again.
having since received mail refills and started back on my regular regimen, i can feel the difference. it's a difference that i don't want to feel--i want to be just fine, minus these little chemistry miracles.
i guess what it comes down to is that i'm not. the doctor agreed that next spring we will try to wean me off some of them, see where i'm at, etc.
it's a double edged sword, when and if you find the right combination for yourself. i've been lucky enough to do so.
the double edged sword part comes in when you realize that with this little white pill you feel better. and that you hate that pill, you hate yourself a bit, for needing that pill.
i am having trouble finding a good metaphor for this. it's like and dislike, sitting on opposite ends of the see-saw, having a grand old time.
but i suppose it's more like alice in wonderland than i would like to believe. i am handed a little cup and told to eat, and i eat. the differences are not so apparent as a giant blonde girl, or a shrinking one.
the girl in my head, the one who apparently needs the cup of pills, she is the one who changes, she is the one who orbits the looking glass, wondering which side she is on today.
5 comments:
I marvel sometimes at the number of people in my life who suffer depression. Which is to say, all of them.
I must simultaneously hold in my brain the knowledge that medication is necessary to make life fulfilling for these people (myself included), and the suspician that all this drugging is itself an illness.
Here's how I marry the two:
In a world that is sick, the sane people are confronted with that sickness every moment, and under such circumstances our smartest and most joyful are naturally prone to dispair. At that junction, your choices are to surrender or supress what you know.
I've been on Meds for my asthma since the seventh grade. I see nothing wrong in taking medication that helps you, I like breathing its pretty fundamental. Taking drugs that help the brain is the same thing, its just a bit more complicated an organ. I mean I was on several different doses/types of meds until they got the right one. Medication does help, there is no shame or reason to feel bad that you need it to help balance out the chemicals in your brian. I really don't understand why people seem ashamed that they take medication. Its there to help, and it does wonders. It makes far more sense to take the medication and be able to function normally than to deny you have a need for it for whatever reason, and not be able to function. I just don't understand why so many seem to have a hangup about takeing medication.
I take it to be able to breath. My mother and aunt take meds keep their blood sugar in line. My father takes it to keep his blood pressure in the right place. There is no shame in it, any more than there is in wearing glasses. Just my $3.50, sorry for a bit of a rant.
The medication for the brain comes with side effects that can be worse than the condition they're trying to cure.
Since the brain is so complex, when you mess with one thing you tend to mess with another.
It becomes a matter of personal decision of what can be lived with, what can be managed, and what's in your best interest.
Hey there,
I know it has been an age, but I just wanted to drop by and say hello since I have finally given in and started blogging (though I had a journal on a writing site).
I can understand with the whole medication thing. I have been on some that made me completely forget who I was. In the end, I had to decide if it was worth being able to face myself as I am, or with the med, because of the cloud I was in, not face myself at all. Sometimes, though, I wonder how good some meds are for us. Most of the newer drugs have so many side effects, you need meds for the side effects.
Chris
I think it is a decision mostly based on how much you do, or do not, want to "feel better". From my least complicated coctail to my most complicated one, and every combination in between, I never saw the point in continuing to take the right meds at the right time each day. Not because it was particularly hard to do, or because in some small way I was trying to stand up to the drug companies creating diseases so they could sell their drugs. Just because I really don't care enough.
And that's the dividing line: does someone care enough to chase down the perfect cocktail (in which case, they will probably find one), or do they just want to forget it.
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