it's been a long week.

and it's only the end of monday.

this morning started early, long before the sun was up, and prior to lights being turned on in the office. busy day, which is nice because it goes quickly.

got word from my dad that my mom put in notice at work today. talked to her tonight and she said she felt she'd been pushed to this. she worked at a small company, at which the husband and wife fought on a regular basis. mom was accused by boss' wife on friday of having alzheimer's, after missing a few notes for her boss IN NINE YEARS. nine years? a few notes? good gravy. i miss a few notes every day. she was also accused of not doing her job--a difficult task when your job involves a system out of which your boss' wife has locked you. mom didn't know that she'd been locked out so she spoke to her boss, who called the computer folks, who came in and asked her boss' wife if she knew that she'd locked my mom out of the system. the boss' wife said, yes, i locked her out.

what a bunch of honky. so mom did something she has never done: put in two weeks' notice because she was so fed up.

that was the first weird part of the day.

the second occurred about three hours later, give or take. dad emailed a deer hunting forward about one of his friends from high school who was a founding member of the minnesota deer hunter's association, and was featured in a newspaper from somewhere up north. five minutes after that he sent an update on my grandma, his mom, who's been hospitalized since friday.

(my uncle took her to the dr on friday because she was weak. he found that she was malnourished and dehydrated due to her own decision not to eat, and that she had a bladder infection.)

today the dr said she had fluid in her lungs, and they took some for a sample. the dr determined that grandma will probably be discharged soon, into a different nursing facility. they won't force her to eat, and grandma does not want a food shunt. if they keep her on the iv, her lungs will fill with more fluid.

so at this point it's a matter of days, or weeks, depending on my grandma.

as stabbing westward says, i'm feeling the weight of the world/and it's crushing me.

this has been a long year. samhain came and went, the celtic new year. i felt refreshed the other day, limitless future, learning material in my past. i feel i am learning every day--how to be, how to cope, how to heal, how to live. perhaps i simply was not aware, before this year. perhaps i was, and just lived in denial of reality.

perhaps this is the year my eyes are opened.

in the bible, jesus spits in mud and the blind see.

in the endless cauldron, cerwidden renews her warriors.

rebirth. being recycled--being renewed. i think of the babylon 5 quote, about how pain sometimes comes, because that is the process of constantly being born.

i don't want to cause pain. eero is in dilemma right now--he feels he needs to make a decision about with whom he is friends.

do as thou wilt, an it harm none. this includes your self. this includes your belongings. this includes your friends, your family. there is only one decision in life--the other has been predetermined. death is the constant. life is the chaos.

the only decision i have had to make this year is this: to live. the only decision i have to make in reference to that decision is HOW to live. i've only got a limited amount of time left on the planet. that's been shown to me this year. how i spend that time is up to me, and none other.

yeah, it's been a long week.