i don't like cauliflower unless you add stuff to it.
you know, you have one of those foods too. mine is cauliflower. if it's breaded and deep fried, yum. if it's smothered in cheese, yum. plain cooked or raw cauliflower = disgusting.
i'll admit, i've been kind of angry lately. apologies if i've been short with anyone. sometimes things you're dragging around behind you creep up when you least expect it, tap on your shoulder, and elbow you in the face.
kind of reminds me of those beer cans people tie onto cars after weddings and crap--they're banging around behind the car but woe to the driver who brakes quickly.
anyway, i have a ton of good friends on the planet who support me and are there for me, regardless of my attitudes towards naked cauliflower, cooked celery, and overripe bananas. i guess in retrospect i've been a bit of a hypocrite in comprehending dan's problems with "letting go" of serena.
i'm tooling along, quiet as can be, fairly content with the vehicle i'm in. there's my usual fog of apathy roaming about, but i'm moving in some direction. at least it feels like i am. and then, out of the blue, BOOM crash bang--there's those fucking cans fastened to the bumper.
it's been there behind me, all along: anger.
i forgave dan and serena for what happened back in may. i'm not so angry with dan anymore, because he's been here and been willing to work through issues, answer questions, understand why i'm angry, and be my friend again.
it's much more difficult with serena. for someone who professed to consider me a sister, her current actions are saying that she really never gave a damn.
for a long time, my apathetic fog allowed her some wiggle room. her parents' admonishment to allow her breathing space allowed me to hope that perhaps we'd be able to work through this, that perhaps she'd be willing to work through this with dan, too. i thought that we were valuable enough friends for her to consider it.
as time passes and the fog clears, so too does any hope i had that we can move beyond childish actions and into the realm of adults, working and ironing out an issue.
and that, my friends, pisses me off.
it's deflating to think that someone you valued doesn't give a shit about you.
more specifically, that if serena really, honestly cared about any relationship she had with me, she'd be willing to work through it.
i almost wish that when i'd emailed her parents, concerned after a few weeks of her silence and no answers from mutual friends, that they'd all told me to give up.
it's exhausting, holding out hope.
hell, i give everything a second chance. look at cauliflower. just because i hate the taste of it on a regular basis, i always feel that perhaps, somehow, some way, it'll be better. it can be palatable. i can like cauliflower, with some addendums to its flavor.
is that making it into something it really isn't? to me: nope. it's improving what already exists.
the cliff notes version is this: i thought serena cared. i thought dan cared. serena is showing me she didn't care. dan's showing me he does. i've been willing to give them both the benefit of the doubt because if i can deep fry cauliflower and call it tasty, then i can be adaptable to what goes on with people i hold dear.
i'm angry because someone i held dear apparently doesn't care about me. i'm angry because coworkers ask, all the time: "how's serena doing?" and i have no freaking clue what the hell to say. i have some options, though:
a) am i abrasively honest: "well, after she admitted to an affair with my boyfriend, i forgave her and she ran away anyhow, apparently i don't exist in her world anymore."
b) am i elusive: "not sure. we haven't talked in a while."
c) am i confused, version 1: "serena? i don't know who that is."
d) am i confused, version 2: "she talks to friends she always said she wasn't sure she liked, but she won't talk to me anymore."
usually i go with option b, and then have to field the follow-up question:
"i thought you two were such good friends. what happened?"
to which i don't have any answers at all.
deep down, i'd like answers. i forgave her behavior in reference to may. i forgave her lack of honesty at the time. but what i'm having trouble forgiving is the deception in her actions now. if she really, really wanted to be my friend--if she really ever was my friend--do i hold onto the hope that at her core, she is a good person? that she is still redeemable, in my eyes? that there is friendship worth saving?
or that the person i thought existed, under all my apparently illusory cheese, is not there?
if the first value is true, then by all means, continue being her friend. support her for all she's worth.
if the second value is true, if she was my friend and is now choosing to expose herself as a fake--beware, others who call her friend. at any time, you may fall into a hole and be abandoned for her better self interests.
do i really believe that's possible? back in july, i would have said no. i would have said that serena was one of my friends. i would have said that she was a good friend to those around her.
months down the line, as the beer cans hit me in the proverbial ass, i am coming to realize that perhaps it is possible. perhaps i was just so fucking naive that i allowed myself to be snowballed into thinking that she was my friend, when in reality she wasn't.
the point of this whole monologue is that i really wanted to believe in friendship. dan's held up his end of the bargain; slowly, we're building something all over again. the fact that i can build it again with dan fostered hope that i could build again with serena, too.
but she doesn't want to build anything. as dan said earlier today, it's like she took her blocks and went home.
sure, that works.
if you're eight years old.
want to be an adult? i'll give you a crash course: you don't get to take your blocks and go home. you shared them; that means you have some of mine, and i have some of yours.
the cauliflower version of life works up until you share the cauliflower. someone goes home with the cheese, and you're fucked.
and there you have it. perhaps that's not the intellectual version of things as i see them, but that's the view from my plate.
9 comments:
I think one of the most frustrating, humiliating things I've had to learn about having friends and being a friend is that you can't force someone to feel the same way you do, no matter how hard you try. We can only do our best with our own interpretations, and try our best to deal with what's coming from the other direction. Obviously, that's easier to do with some people than it is with others.
I think it's harder when you're trying to set aside hurt and anger for the sake of a friendship you really don't want to lose. It's especially hard when the hurt goes deep. It's sort of like trying to heal a deep puncture wound--it does no good if the surface heals over first, but the deepest part of the wound is allowed to fester. I might be off the mark, but maybe that's what Serena's behavior toward you is doing--festering in the heart of that wound she left, and you'll have to break it open again to get the poison out. But it's just a theory, and I could be wrong.
As for what to tell people...you can always say you drifted apart. It's not that surprising, especially when she moved out of state. Sometimes, it's hard to keep in touch, and shouldn't be all that surprising, no matter how close you were when she was here.
I always got the impression that Serena holds people at arm's length, even those she considers close friends. Maybe I see it because I tend to do the same thing, though I think we do it for different reasons. But it could be an answer to why she can just walk away, when you're so willing to forgive and heal.
Bah, I'm such an armchair psychologist, sometimes. :P
As for cauliflower--I don't really care for it, either, unless it's smothered with something. I mainly don't like it because it stinks up the house. ^^;;
--Sara
I do care. I never want to be illusory cheese to anyone.
I want to be cake. Chocolate cake.
I really wish I had more to say because the quality of the things you said demands it. But I am consistently floored with how you manage to put things in new perspectives.
Like your innner garden.
Concert's tomorrow. And maybe we can have dessert.
sara: have you thought about a new profession? like actually going into psychology? because you do a good job of seeing metaphors--and sometimes that is how the word "serena" feels in my mind--like it's festering. and yes, plain cooked cauliflower has a smell like nothing else on the planet! :P
dan: mmmmmmm. cake. (; thank you for the compliment. i'm just not nearly as organized as you are when posting. LOL maybe i should do serial posts too. but i'd have to pull a college thing that sara and i used to do and write the paper and THEN write the outline. LOL
d) am i confused, version 2: "she talks to friends she always said she wasn't sure she liked, but she won't talk to me anymore."
Ouch.
I don't have any answers. I wish I did.
that wasn't in reference to you, eero. it's more in reference to her not liking craig at all (according to what she told me) and then trying to strike up a conversation with him anyway.
i understand loneliness. but i also understand how important friends are--and that if they are as important to her as she said they were, she'd work at being a better friend.
i sit and wonder what the hell i did so wrong that she feels okay ignoring the fact that i exist.
again, this is something my youngest sister did...when she was 13.
As I read it I didn't know who else it could be, and it hurt. In thinking of her past actions it didn't fit. I can only imagine the hurt for you, the past actions do not agree with the current actions. The "taking my blocks and going home" does work for adults, it an instinctive reaction, pain run. Usually most adults try to move past the pain. All I can think of is a house on fire, a child will run from the pain, an adult will run in to try and save something precious. From what I remember at first she did try and save the precious object, but then fuel was added to the fire and the flight instinct kicked in. That's all I can think of.
I don't know.
But I like cake.
And I might be falling really hard for someone.
The Mad Hatter.
the point of the matter is that she ran away. everyone suggested that i give her time, give her space, she'll come back--as one of my former coworkers pointed out, why the hell does SHE need space? why should i be patient and wait for her? she's not the "wronged" party. i was under the impression that *i* was.
she did apologize...to me. i'm not sure she apologized to anyone else--dan, you, anyone. while it is all fine and dandy that she did take time to apologize to me, her current actions aren't telling me that it meant anything. it almost feels like she did it for show.
part of me wants to know how she's doing. part of me will always care. i keep thinking of that quote: if you can't be a good example, then be a terrible warning.
i wasn't a good example of serena being friends with someone. so other side of coin: i'm a warning.
While my loyalty is to Dan, I want to see the two of you work things out. But here are a few realities.
1. Serena is a bitch. Point blank. You CANNOT have a relationship with Dan if she is around and YOU KNOW THAT. No friend should steal a gal's man. No one that considers herself a sister should steal a gal's man. But more importantly, NO FRIEND WOULD STEAL A GAL'S MAN AND MAKE LOVE TO HIM.
2. Have you really forgiven him? I hope so-he's a guy that made a bad mistake and regrets it. What bothers me is the fact that you mention you're co-dependant. Are you with him because he's a project, because he needs you because he's bipolar? Is it a comfort thing?
Dan is a wonderful, wonderful man. Please be with him because you love him and not for the wrong reasons...I wish you both peace in the New Year.
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