32 ounces

so yesterday was my busy day. at 8 i saw helene, my psychologist, who's on the verge of a diagnosis of ADD with dysthymia. nice to know that it's natural for me to be feeling this way, and to have felt this way, for years. i think the most interesting part was when we started chatting about my childhood, and i remembered having panic attacks as a child, and mom giving me a paper lunch sack to breathe in.

last night class was cancelled, which was good because i had to call home as there was panic on the homestead monday, mom tore her retina in a few places and had a heck of a time getting it fixed--in ty pical whalen fashion, she went one place, was sent another place, got all ready for the surgery, and the machine broke...so then got sent to the er because the surgery HAD to be done yesterday to reduce the risk of retinal detachment...and now is on bed rest until tomorrow. my mom's an active person, and the bed rest is driving her somewhat batty, as she has to lay there with her eyes shut, flat on her back. she said that she's tired of listening to the television and stuff...so is hoping that someone will drop off a book on tape, or that dad will locate one, so she has something to do that doesn't make her want to open her eyes. she's also worried about the health insurance--as discussed by me previously, healthcare SUCKS ASS and the fact that she got sent from one dr to another probably won't go over so well with their provider. which in my opinion is pure and utter bullshit. but that's just me.

anyway, i asked mom about the paper bag--she doesn't remember giving me one, but she remembers her dad having to breathe in a paper bag because he had panic attacks. we also talked about when i was younger and teased, and mom explained that it went a bit further than just name calling. apparently the girls on the street would ask for me to come out and play, and then boss me around to a ridiculous extent. i think i must have been their personal living doll, that type of thing. mom remembers them making me walk a certain number of steps behind them, and all kinds of random crap. i don't remember that much at all. mom also talked about how she wondered, when i was as young as 3, if i'd been molested or something by a boy, as i hid when they were around, or didn't want to go outside.

it makes me wonder. i don't remember anything happening. i don't know that i want to, either. i think about the fears that drive me, the worries that have been installed by time, and i'm not sure i care from where they spring. i just want to be able to deal with what i've got now. which is closing in on a diagnosis, and therefore, a treatment plan.

i guess i matched 6 of the 9 ADD attributes--two of which i had adapted in my life so that i don't go completely over the edge. one was listening--helene asked if i was ever accused of being a bad listener, and for the most part, i've not. but i have to wonder if that's due to the whole half-deaf thing--i'm so focused when someone is talking, due to my physical deficiency, that it makes me wonder if i have made up for the mental deficiency. the other thing i don't do a ton of is lose items--at least the important items. i think that is also adapted--i have a hook for my keys, a basket for mail, a place to put my purse... i'm sure we'll go more in depth, and she has 3 tests she wants me to take, to confirm things.

ADD and dysthymia go hand in hand; i remember talking to my nathan about that, too. it's interesting to think about that in terms of my childhood, and school, and then college and the after college years. i wonder how long i've been stuggling with this type of issue--has it been since i was little, and mom used to accuse me of making mountains out of molehills? has it only been getting worse?

at least now i feel like i have some kind of direction. working with helene has given me that much, and i'm sure that as time goes on and i get more homework, i'll feel better about where i am and what i'm doing, where i'm going, etc.

after my mental probing, i went in and had an ultrasound, as my doctor was afraid that i possibly had an ovarian cyst. i adore ultrasounds, and most stuff dealing with healthcare and viewing the inside workings of my body. it's absorbing to watch the little screen and see organs working, arteries thumping away. so far, per the technician, she didn't see anything cyst-like, or any scar tissue or endometreosis, and said i could come back at any time because i was, and i quote: "set up like a textbook." yay for me. (;

the bummer part of ultrasounds is the water. about 45 mintues prior, you're supposed to drink 32 ounces of water. which is an ocean, for me. i get teased already that my bladder is the size of a kiwi, so drinking that much water and having to wander around the clinic after that--check in at radiology in the lower level, only to be told that i have to go to 3rd floor ob/gyn because all of radiology's ultrasounds are in use...troop upstairs and then have to wait, which isn't bad except for the fact that i'm about to pee my pants, and dancing around in my chair like a 7-year-old... but the fact that the tech thought things looked good was a nice relief.

my only big fear right now is the medical bills. they're going to pile up rapidly, at this rate. ugh. which means i should be getting ready for work, right this minute. but i'd rather be typing, and thinking about how much 32 ounces of water actually is, and how that affected my body yesterday, and made my kidneys run a foot race...