different kind of stones

i've been thinking all night. you know, one of those nights where you wake up at 428 am thinking things that you thought you'd put away, at least for the night. sometimes it feels like putting the car in the garage for the evening.

which is the only reason i'm actually on the computer now, because i cleaned the litterbox and had to dump her highness' box in the garage, only to discover that once again the ceiling is leaking. since my rental office doesn't seem to do much when you ask them to, i'm going to actually put in another written request and see where that gets me. so i turned on the computer, and then i HAD to check my mail, and then i HAD to check blogs...and lo and behold, here i am.

the other day dan and i were discussing "the prophet" by kahlil gibran. i adore that book; we were just sitting there, talking, calm and relaxed. dan mentioned some quote from the bible and had to look it up, so then we switched gears and had to compare my bible with his. yeah, i still have a bible, because it's something that was given to me, and despite the fact that there's all kinds of things in the bible i don't agree with, there's all kinds of things i still do.

i don't know who reads this blog. so if you're a friend, you need to understand things before i move forward with this. i also DO NOT want phone calls. i can talk with you about the situation when and if we talk, but i don't want a barrage of "oh my gods" and stuff. i've already gone through every aspect of being angry, and being indignant. i'm ready to do something constructive with my feelings, but the quote that has been stuck in my mind is the one about throwing stones: let you among you who is without sin cast the first stone.

dan and serena have admitted to having an affair. not a physical affair while we all lived together here. but a physical affair just after i moved to the cities with them, and an online emotional and physical affair in the beginning of may. it took about 8 weeks for me to get the truth out of him; serena only admitted her involvement when confronted with my anger. they both have apologized profusely.

i have to admit it: i've NEVER felt so betrayed, never felt so hurt. but that's normal, in the circumstances.

i've never carried so many stones in my pockets, as reminders that i am temporary, and that someday i will heal, dan will heal, serena will heal. both dan and i have agreed to try, that we have something we want to salvage, reforge, make better. we saw the therapist for the first time thursday night, and made appointments to see him again in the future. i also need to line up my own therapist. being in that room with dan felt like things were MOVING somewhere, but we have a long way to go, i think. i remember the first flush of love, when we were young, and the dedication we had to each other. i want to find that again, but maybe a new brand, a different form.

from reading online about affairs i can see that they are human things. other beasties don't worry about affairs because they don't tie emotion to sex the way humans do. from reading i can see that we have a good chance to rebuild, and that we also have a good chance to change ourselves, and maybe not rebuild what we had. it's all chance, it's all fortune telling, it's all in the future.

please know that i am processing this information, all of it, slowly. i'm big into rocks and earth, as you know from my previous post. earth is patient; i try to go forward with that same patience in my soul. earth grows, earth hibernates. right now i'm hibernating; i've felt like i have been for a good month or two, at this point. but i think that spring in all it's wild growth is around the corner.

i'd like to share a poem i wrote years ago. at the time it was for a solstice celebration, calling forth the biological aspects of summer. right now i want to share it because i think it can also call forth the inner growth i need.

summer solstice 6.22.01

this night i call
impatient growth
i call unruly creation
and ridiculous west winds
i call the crackle of dusk
the soundless cloud

i drift within
i drift without

i see sun spinning autumn's bitter cloak
so swift, your time remaining.
and yet i feel you breathe
i feel you live
slow
as if there is space to rest
beneath dappled willow
time to drink deep of green silence.

watch the dragonfly shimmer.
in the mirror of its wings
you can see
summer's hazy soul.