it's been a rollercoaster ride for the past few weeks. thanks everyone for supporting--sara, you're right, i DO remember you writing those things in!!! and bipolarprincess, if you'd like to link you are welcome to. i'm not bipolar; my significant other is. this blog has become about trying to understand and deal, but it's also about other crap in my life.
today, it's going to be this email that i wrote a while ago. as anyone who reads knows, there have been a great deal of goings-on in the past months, all of which are extremely emotional. i've had an outpouring of support in many forms, but my friend nathan lent me a book that pointed me to another book...and pointed me toward a different way of thinking. the original book is delivered from distraction, which i think i praised a few posts back. but that book suggested a book by a very early philosopher, epictetus, called "the art of living." it's not actually written by him, mainly because he didn't write anything down; all his students did the lecture transcribing. and the book is very good. its main theme is controlling what you can control and relinquishing the notion that you have control over things you cannot control. it's something that i have to remind myself about every day, every hour, sometimes skipping the minutes... (; but i emailed dan the other day, and was quite zen about the whole issue, and it does deal with the control issue. so here it is, my very own zen baby. (;
***
did someone hurt me? yes. did i forgive them? yes. am i working onforgiving myself? kind of. (;
how much do i value their friendship? greatly. am i willing to overlook mistakes and hurts, that i have forgiven, in order to be friends again? yes. am i willing to understand that there are some things i will never understand, because the person involved will never be able to explain toMY satisfaction exactly what i need to understand? i'm working on it.
i feel like some things are going to remain mysteries for me. i can try tocomprehend, but that does not mean that i ever will. the main thing, in the end for me, is how much i value that person. NO ONE has hurt me so badly i cannot recover. NO ONE has hurt me so badly i cannot forgive. yeah, i feel like half my body is missing, and that my brain's been scrambled in an egyptian pre-embalming ritual, but i am trying hard not to worry about the end result--that i don't know when she'll email me back, that i don't know when you'll forgive yourself, that i have no idea ofwhat i'm doing...i feel like (and this is my pre-lunch zen moment setting in) anyway i feel like we're all a bunch of birds, and exxon has spilled.
i think thatMUCH MORE than just your admissions have been released here--there's a lot of things that needed to be opened up and looked at. our relationship,yours with her, mine with her. it's opened up a can of worms too with all of our friends--made them look at themselves and THEIR relationships. the tidal wave that poured out of you has created new ground for everyone to stand on; it's created a new playing field. yeah, it doesn't seem fair,and it sure hurts sometimes right now, but i think that in the end, it's a playing field that will be a BETTER place--again with the patience to get to USE it!
***
so there you have it, my philosophy. colored by my life the way that epictetus' philosophy was colored by his.
and it's time to get ready for work.
cheers all--ombren (:
Friday, July 29, 2005
Thursday, July 21, 2005
control
when i interviewed at the job i have now, someone asked me how i stayed on top of things while in college. i answered honestly: my day planner. i carried that thing EVERYWHERE and it helped immensely.
it had to be one that got my attention; i went through a lot of gary larsen's far side cartoon calendars, because they were fun and i'd remember to check them. but i also had my fair share of fun notebooks, each page dated and scribbled all over.
since i got out of college and haven't had to schlep around a backpack, and my purse is smaller, i stopped carrying one. my life has become overrun because i never know where i'm going or when i have to be there. dan got me my darby conley's get fuzzy cartoon dayplanner and i still have had issues remembering to use it, or take it with me.
however over the past few days i've been trying VERY HARD to remember to bring it with me. it's been difficult, i will admit that, but my current purse is making it easier because it's large and the dayplanner fits in it.
so that's what i'm doing now--rescheduling an appointment, making notes. it's nice to go back later and see what i had going on at that time, why it seemed so busy, when something happened. it gives me back something that i haven't felt i had for a long time, and something i usually maintain that i don't want to have: control.
it had to be one that got my attention; i went through a lot of gary larsen's far side cartoon calendars, because they were fun and i'd remember to check them. but i also had my fair share of fun notebooks, each page dated and scribbled all over.
since i got out of college and haven't had to schlep around a backpack, and my purse is smaller, i stopped carrying one. my life has become overrun because i never know where i'm going or when i have to be there. dan got me my darby conley's get fuzzy cartoon dayplanner and i still have had issues remembering to use it, or take it with me.
however over the past few days i've been trying VERY HARD to remember to bring it with me. it's been difficult, i will admit that, but my current purse is making it easier because it's large and the dayplanner fits in it.
so that's what i'm doing now--rescheduling an appointment, making notes. it's nice to go back later and see what i had going on at that time, why it seemed so busy, when something happened. it gives me back something that i haven't felt i had for a long time, and something i usually maintain that i don't want to have: control.
getting it off my chest
lately i've been doing a lot of that. with friends, with writing, with whatever form of mental vomiting i can do. i keep thinking of that one print, the one of the woman sleeping and that little dark gremlin bending over her, sitting on her chest.
i feel like that's what i've got. when i stand up, it sits on my shoulder. when i sleep, it curls up near my belly. it's on the edge of the tub, it's waiting for me when i have nothing to occupy my thoughts.
this morning dan was looking at this book nathan loaned him, called delivered from distraction. it's for folks w/ add but add and bipolar are often misdiagnosed, because you have many of the same characteristics. add people are prone to depression, and what the authors call "slide"--very interesting, and something i think i can apply to myself, as well.
S stands for Self Attack
L stands for Life Attack
I stands for Imagining the Worst
D stands for Dread
E stands for Escape
self attack is thinking the worst of yourself, life attack is thinking the worst of life and the world, and the last three are pretty explanatory. the book also discusses spin, which is another acronym i found interesting:
S stands for Shame
P stands for Pessimism and Negativity
I stands for Isolation
N stands for No Creative, Productive Outlet
moreso than slide, spin makes sense to me. i see myself doing this all the time--searching for something, not knowing what. i have this feeling i should be more, should be able to do more, focus better, you name it. and when i give up before i start these things, it leads directly into being ashamed of myself. that channels into pessimism and isolation, which is where i've been, on and off, for the last two weeks. since i found out what had really been going on with dan and serena--i isolated myself. i think for a while, it was good, because i needed to hibernate with my feelings and sort them out, see what i was trying to accomplish, etc. but after that it was just me isolating myself and beating myself up with the facts and truth.
i told dan a few days ago that i needed a project--he asked what, and i said, something big to sand and paint. i would settle for another buffet or dresser, but at the same time, what i need is house-sized. i have a lot of frustration, and i need something more creative than writing to get it out of me.
yesterday i told the tdoc that when i get angry, i clean, i walk, i write. she said those were good things. i haven't done ANY of them but write since this started. we've tried walking more, and i have cleaned some things, but it's the the physical explosion that it used to be when i was trying to sense out the path before me.
at any rate, i have a busy morning. i'm moving my ultrasound around because i think that dan needs someone to go to the pdoc with him; i need to be in the know, so to speak, on what's going on, and not get things second hand through dan. he's in a good place today, or a better place than yesterday, but i don't think he's keeping his mood charts, and he did offer to go with me when i got my ultrasound. the thing at this point is that the ultrasound can be moved around; the pdoc visit cannot, as he has to stay on a fairly rigid schedule as far as visiting to control the meds goes.
then i need to do a bunch of stuff on my list--oil change, etc--and find something to make for dinner. after dinner, it's support group night. so that should be interesting.
this whole week off thing needs to automatically be TWO weeks, because i have a lot to get done, but i'm just now relaxed enough to focus on it! i surrender. LOL
i feel like that's what i've got. when i stand up, it sits on my shoulder. when i sleep, it curls up near my belly. it's on the edge of the tub, it's waiting for me when i have nothing to occupy my thoughts.
this morning dan was looking at this book nathan loaned him, called delivered from distraction. it's for folks w/ add but add and bipolar are often misdiagnosed, because you have many of the same characteristics. add people are prone to depression, and what the authors call "slide"--very interesting, and something i think i can apply to myself, as well.
S stands for Self Attack
L stands for Life Attack
I stands for Imagining the Worst
D stands for Dread
E stands for Escape
self attack is thinking the worst of yourself, life attack is thinking the worst of life and the world, and the last three are pretty explanatory. the book also discusses spin, which is another acronym i found interesting:
S stands for Shame
P stands for Pessimism and Negativity
I stands for Isolation
N stands for No Creative, Productive Outlet
moreso than slide, spin makes sense to me. i see myself doing this all the time--searching for something, not knowing what. i have this feeling i should be more, should be able to do more, focus better, you name it. and when i give up before i start these things, it leads directly into being ashamed of myself. that channels into pessimism and isolation, which is where i've been, on and off, for the last two weeks. since i found out what had really been going on with dan and serena--i isolated myself. i think for a while, it was good, because i needed to hibernate with my feelings and sort them out, see what i was trying to accomplish, etc. but after that it was just me isolating myself and beating myself up with the facts and truth.
i told dan a few days ago that i needed a project--he asked what, and i said, something big to sand and paint. i would settle for another buffet or dresser, but at the same time, what i need is house-sized. i have a lot of frustration, and i need something more creative than writing to get it out of me.
yesterday i told the tdoc that when i get angry, i clean, i walk, i write. she said those were good things. i haven't done ANY of them but write since this started. we've tried walking more, and i have cleaned some things, but it's the the physical explosion that it used to be when i was trying to sense out the path before me.
at any rate, i have a busy morning. i'm moving my ultrasound around because i think that dan needs someone to go to the pdoc with him; i need to be in the know, so to speak, on what's going on, and not get things second hand through dan. he's in a good place today, or a better place than yesterday, but i don't think he's keeping his mood charts, and he did offer to go with me when i got my ultrasound. the thing at this point is that the ultrasound can be moved around; the pdoc visit cannot, as he has to stay on a fairly rigid schedule as far as visiting to control the meds goes.
then i need to do a bunch of stuff on my list--oil change, etc--and find something to make for dinner. after dinner, it's support group night. so that should be interesting.
this whole week off thing needs to automatically be TWO weeks, because i have a lot to get done, but i'm just now relaxed enough to focus on it! i surrender. LOL
Wednesday, July 20, 2005
t-doc
that's the short form of talk-doc. i finally have one, and i saw her for the first time today. she's a very nice woman; said i could ask her whatever i wanted to. i really didn't have the chance, as i'm a talkative person, and once you put a quarter in me, you get one extra hour for free. (;
her name is helene. i was picturing someone tall, svelte, modern. what i got was shorter than me, kind of reminded me of my mother crossed with my aunt, roz, kind and willing to laugh. which was probably the most important part. we discussed dan, discussed my childhood, discussed my family, mainly my dad. it's hard to sum it all up because we did go over a lot of stuff. but it was a good thing, to go. i had an idea that it would be, after going to one of dan's therapy sessions with his tdoc, but you just never know.
the only thing looming over my head now is the cost. i'm petrified that my insurance company will say, we're covering it, and then not cover it and send me a bill for the rest. i'm in agony over this, and i don't know how to phrase it for my insurance people to understand.
i also know that it is something for which i cannot put a price--i need this therapy. she mentioned dysthymia, which is something that i find interesting, mainly because i've looked it up a few times in conjunction with dan's diagnosis. basically it comes down to this:
***
Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia, is a type of depression that lasts for at least 2 years. Some people suffer from dysthymia for many years. Their depression is usually mild or moderate, rather than severe. Most people with dysthymia can't tell for sure when they first became depressed.
Symptoms of dysthymic disorder include a poor appetite or overeating, difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much, low energy, fatigue and feelings of hopelessness. People with dysthymic disorder may have periods of normal mood that last up to 2 months. Family members and friends may not even know that their loved one is depressed. Even though this type of depression is mild, it may make it difficult for a person to function at home, school or work
***
interesting. i don't know how long i've been this way, but it describes a LOT of what i am going through. the whole severe pms probably wasn't helping, but the pill seems to be working on my hormones pretty darn well. the blood pressure meds...not so much. apparently they tend to bring out feelings of depression in people prone to it. my regular family physician said she wanted to watch and wait on that, to see if the pill cleared things up. but i think talking to the psychologist, and eventually finding some kind of thought process that actually might apply better to what is going on in my head, might be the most helpful.
i'm praying right now that i don't have to see a psychiatrist as well, and be put on antidepressants or the like. healthcare, as professed by my earlier rant on the subject, is painful. they just don't make it easy, or affordable, to get yourself in good health. all the practitioners have made me feel comfortable, even when i don't want to be where i am--at the doctor. but the more i dwell on the price i pay for this comfort, and for the tests and for the removal of polyps and crap, the worse i feel mentally.
so someone cross your fingers and pray i win on the scratch off. LOL
in other news...talked to nathan today, had a lovely walk in swede hollow park downtown st paul. it's a neat area, and nathan is a neat person--always willing to talk and listen, and boy does he give good advice. (; so props to nathan.
annabel also called tonight. she's one of my extended sisters from bemidji, who has since moved out of the vortex and back home. her girls, the last time we talked, were in first grade and kindergarten, respectfully. now they're in 4th and 3rd grades!!! eep! she promised to send me pictures and an email, so i will now wait.
waiting by computer is over. LOL i'm exhausted, physically (that walk wasn't too long but it's more humid than a conservatory out there right now, and hot to boot) and mentally (talking about things takes something out of you!!! even in a safe and healthy environs like the tdoc!). i'm off to brush teeth and call it a day--too tired to keep trucking for this girl!!!
hugs all (:
her name is helene. i was picturing someone tall, svelte, modern. what i got was shorter than me, kind of reminded me of my mother crossed with my aunt, roz, kind and willing to laugh. which was probably the most important part. we discussed dan, discussed my childhood, discussed my family, mainly my dad. it's hard to sum it all up because we did go over a lot of stuff. but it was a good thing, to go. i had an idea that it would be, after going to one of dan's therapy sessions with his tdoc, but you just never know.
the only thing looming over my head now is the cost. i'm petrified that my insurance company will say, we're covering it, and then not cover it and send me a bill for the rest. i'm in agony over this, and i don't know how to phrase it for my insurance people to understand.
i also know that it is something for which i cannot put a price--i need this therapy. she mentioned dysthymia, which is something that i find interesting, mainly because i've looked it up a few times in conjunction with dan's diagnosis. basically it comes down to this:
***
Dysthymic disorder, or dysthymia, is a type of depression that lasts for at least 2 years. Some people suffer from dysthymia for many years. Their depression is usually mild or moderate, rather than severe. Most people with dysthymia can't tell for sure when they first became depressed.
Symptoms of dysthymic disorder include a poor appetite or overeating, difficulty sleeping or sleeping too much, low energy, fatigue and feelings of hopelessness. People with dysthymic disorder may have periods of normal mood that last up to 2 months. Family members and friends may not even know that their loved one is depressed. Even though this type of depression is mild, it may make it difficult for a person to function at home, school or work
***
interesting. i don't know how long i've been this way, but it describes a LOT of what i am going through. the whole severe pms probably wasn't helping, but the pill seems to be working on my hormones pretty darn well. the blood pressure meds...not so much. apparently they tend to bring out feelings of depression in people prone to it. my regular family physician said she wanted to watch and wait on that, to see if the pill cleared things up. but i think talking to the psychologist, and eventually finding some kind of thought process that actually might apply better to what is going on in my head, might be the most helpful.
i'm praying right now that i don't have to see a psychiatrist as well, and be put on antidepressants or the like. healthcare, as professed by my earlier rant on the subject, is painful. they just don't make it easy, or affordable, to get yourself in good health. all the practitioners have made me feel comfortable, even when i don't want to be where i am--at the doctor. but the more i dwell on the price i pay for this comfort, and for the tests and for the removal of polyps and crap, the worse i feel mentally.
so someone cross your fingers and pray i win on the scratch off. LOL
in other news...talked to nathan today, had a lovely walk in swede hollow park downtown st paul. it's a neat area, and nathan is a neat person--always willing to talk and listen, and boy does he give good advice. (; so props to nathan.
annabel also called tonight. she's one of my extended sisters from bemidji, who has since moved out of the vortex and back home. her girls, the last time we talked, were in first grade and kindergarten, respectfully. now they're in 4th and 3rd grades!!! eep! she promised to send me pictures and an email, so i will now wait.
waiting by computer is over. LOL i'm exhausted, physically (that walk wasn't too long but it's more humid than a conservatory out there right now, and hot to boot) and mentally (talking about things takes something out of you!!! even in a safe and healthy environs like the tdoc!). i'm off to brush teeth and call it a day--too tired to keep trucking for this girl!!!
hugs all (:
Sunday, July 17, 2005
comfort food
lately i've been craving books. not just a good book to fill the hours, but books i remember from my childhood, books that remind me of happier days and fill me with a sense of some type of eternal reminder that life CAN be good.
so i've been reading deerskin, by robin mckinley. which i bought because i liked the cover. the book is one of the most powerful i've read--it's a story about healing, and the redeeming power of having good people around you. it's actually the redoing of a fairy tale originally done i think by charles perrault called donkeyskin. it has a semi-sweet ending--happy but a tinged with sorrow--and i like that. i remember after corey died i read that book about 17 times--over, and over, and over.
the other book i'm reading right now is charlie and the chocolate factory, by roald dahl. it was inspired after seeing the movie yesterday--which was well done and enjoyable, and as tim burton as you can get. the thing i don't like about the movie was willy himself--in the book he's not a sad man, he's a bit hyper and manic, but he's not sad. he actually CARES about the people on the ride, and there's no undertone of him being entirely nuts. the thing i love about the book is that the whole thing--stem to stern--is about hope, something that comes and goes like the sun with me as of late. i love roald dahl's writing; it's sharp and to the point, but with enough embellishments and descriptors that i can read it at age 29 just as happily as i did when i was 7, and love it just as much.
the other book i'm reading is by peggy vaughn, the monogamy myth. it's about affairs (go figure LOL) and why people have them, and how to move on after them, and why people leave relationships because of them, and why they stay. it's very interesting, and insightful. her husband had a series of affairs after they were married for 11 years, and in spite of this, they decided to stay together and try again.
we're kind of on the same path, depending on the day. being in a relationship with a bipolar person who cycles rapidly kind of keeps things uneven; some days it feels like he really wants to try, and other days i feel like it's a lost cause. dan likened it to a teeter-totter the other day, and it's the truth. course, all of life could be summed up in that image, too.
i've been feeling a lot of familial pressure to get out of the relationship, mainly because dan sent out this letter explaining about his bipolar and explaining that we weren't together anymore. which at the time WAS a mutual decision. the thing about being bipolar is that i guess you don't make decisions based on all the facts, and you don't give yourself time to make an accurate decision, and one that you can live with; so now that he's got all his options in front of him, he's reconsidering all of them.
i'm still quite angry with him. i'll be honest. friday i could have just walked away and not looked back. i was out at a friend's house for sci fi friday, which generally speaking means booze, cake and food. at around 1115 or so my purse started ringing; realized i had a few voicemails. one of them was eero, hoping i was on my way home. the other was dan, wondering where i was, clearly drunk. i called home, only to discover that eero was in his room, waiting for reinforcements. (; dan apparently had a few beers, at home, and was laying on the floor listening to tunes. scared the piss out of me and eero. i had eero call darin, who had the prescence of mind to call poison control, as dan's on horse pills and who knows how alcohol will affect that. per poison control it will just make the person depressed and tired, which he was. darin came over, we sat around shooting the shit and got him into bed eventually. he slept it off and then saturday was a really good day. by that i mean, no swings up, no swings down. he kept himself on an even keel all day long.
it's THAT which keeps me going. i think back to when our relationship was "good" and i remember all the things about it that i enjoyed about it, and on the bad days, those memories waver. i can see them, in the past, waving out at me. and then i can see the future, and who cans see the future? in dreams i see snippets of it, but they are interspersed with possessed stuffed animals and other crap. it's like looking for your favorite ring in with litter, these dreams.
it's also THAT which makes me scared. one of the ladies i work with is bipolar, and she said that i just have to give it time, that eventually the meds will be right and he won't be so up and down all the time. and i don't want people to think that i am weak, for thinking about staying with dan. it's going to be a lot of work. i don't want my brother to rough him up, well...maybe just a little. i want him to understand that what happened previously can not happen again, and i want him to understand the depth of my pain. but it's a pain that, with time, grows smaller.
our relationship has been better for the past weeks, if for no other reason than he's being honest with me. if i ask him a question, i get the full monty for an answer. if i need help with something, he's johnny on the spot. i know that part of it is dan trying to make up for what he's done wrong. but i also know that this is what we used to do, ages ago.
since he's not spending all of his time online, we've been able to do things outside the house--last night we cleaned house playing trivia at a local pub, before which we were over at darin and cathy's helping paint the shed, and dan and darin moved appliances downstairs. (they're tiling their basement, and have a half-kitchen downstairs.)
my other issue right now is that i have to call people back. i haven't been very good about that, because i'm so tired of having to rehash everything over and over. people whom i've not spoken to since dan's email, or people who know part of what's going on, are still in the first stage of "he did what? and why are you still there?" when i've moved past that point. it's frustrating because i find myself saying the same things over and over. i also have problems doing things like using the computer and phone after i've been on the phone and glued to my monitor for 8 hours at work. the last thing i want to do is hook myself up and become chained to my house.
annabel called the other day; dan spoke to her at length. i haven't called her back. haven't called nathan, either, and these are two people i WOULD LOVE to talk to. i'm hoping that with the next week being vacation i can do so and feel okay about it! i finally spoke to cari, but that's been my limit right now. i'm tired of the explaining. but i'm sure that i'm going to have to do it a great many times and even more in the future; but by staying here, i guess i've set myself up for the explaining. dan and i both decided the other day that it would be so much nicer to have a brochure to send out, or offer, when people ask questions.
today i don't kn ow what i'm going to do; stay out of the heat, i'm guessing. it's sweltering here. i doubt we've had a day under 89 degrees for the past week, and it's looking like that's where it's going to stay. which consequently means that i'm going to stay inside, where it's air conditioned, and try to get the a.c. funk out of the air (after days of not having the windows open it starts to get a certain smell...)
so yeah. that's where i'm at. off to finish charlie and the chocolate factory. (;
so i've been reading deerskin, by robin mckinley. which i bought because i liked the cover. the book is one of the most powerful i've read--it's a story about healing, and the redeeming power of having good people around you. it's actually the redoing of a fairy tale originally done i think by charles perrault called donkeyskin. it has a semi-sweet ending--happy but a tinged with sorrow--and i like that. i remember after corey died i read that book about 17 times--over, and over, and over.
the other book i'm reading right now is charlie and the chocolate factory, by roald dahl. it was inspired after seeing the movie yesterday--which was well done and enjoyable, and as tim burton as you can get. the thing i don't like about the movie was willy himself--in the book he's not a sad man, he's a bit hyper and manic, but he's not sad. he actually CARES about the people on the ride, and there's no undertone of him being entirely nuts. the thing i love about the book is that the whole thing--stem to stern--is about hope, something that comes and goes like the sun with me as of late. i love roald dahl's writing; it's sharp and to the point, but with enough embellishments and descriptors that i can read it at age 29 just as happily as i did when i was 7, and love it just as much.
the other book i'm reading is by peggy vaughn, the monogamy myth. it's about affairs (go figure LOL) and why people have them, and how to move on after them, and why people leave relationships because of them, and why they stay. it's very interesting, and insightful. her husband had a series of affairs after they were married for 11 years, and in spite of this, they decided to stay together and try again.
we're kind of on the same path, depending on the day. being in a relationship with a bipolar person who cycles rapidly kind of keeps things uneven; some days it feels like he really wants to try, and other days i feel like it's a lost cause. dan likened it to a teeter-totter the other day, and it's the truth. course, all of life could be summed up in that image, too.
i've been feeling a lot of familial pressure to get out of the relationship, mainly because dan sent out this letter explaining about his bipolar and explaining that we weren't together anymore. which at the time WAS a mutual decision. the thing about being bipolar is that i guess you don't make decisions based on all the facts, and you don't give yourself time to make an accurate decision, and one that you can live with; so now that he's got all his options in front of him, he's reconsidering all of them.
i'm still quite angry with him. i'll be honest. friday i could have just walked away and not looked back. i was out at a friend's house for sci fi friday, which generally speaking means booze, cake and food. at around 1115 or so my purse started ringing; realized i had a few voicemails. one of them was eero, hoping i was on my way home. the other was dan, wondering where i was, clearly drunk. i called home, only to discover that eero was in his room, waiting for reinforcements. (; dan apparently had a few beers, at home, and was laying on the floor listening to tunes. scared the piss out of me and eero. i had eero call darin, who had the prescence of mind to call poison control, as dan's on horse pills and who knows how alcohol will affect that. per poison control it will just make the person depressed and tired, which he was. darin came over, we sat around shooting the shit and got him into bed eventually. he slept it off and then saturday was a really good day. by that i mean, no swings up, no swings down. he kept himself on an even keel all day long.
it's THAT which keeps me going. i think back to when our relationship was "good" and i remember all the things about it that i enjoyed about it, and on the bad days, those memories waver. i can see them, in the past, waving out at me. and then i can see the future, and who cans see the future? in dreams i see snippets of it, but they are interspersed with possessed stuffed animals and other crap. it's like looking for your favorite ring in with litter, these dreams.
it's also THAT which makes me scared. one of the ladies i work with is bipolar, and she said that i just have to give it time, that eventually the meds will be right and he won't be so up and down all the time. and i don't want people to think that i am weak, for thinking about staying with dan. it's going to be a lot of work. i don't want my brother to rough him up, well...maybe just a little. i want him to understand that what happened previously can not happen again, and i want him to understand the depth of my pain. but it's a pain that, with time, grows smaller.
our relationship has been better for the past weeks, if for no other reason than he's being honest with me. if i ask him a question, i get the full monty for an answer. if i need help with something, he's johnny on the spot. i know that part of it is dan trying to make up for what he's done wrong. but i also know that this is what we used to do, ages ago.
since he's not spending all of his time online, we've been able to do things outside the house--last night we cleaned house playing trivia at a local pub, before which we were over at darin and cathy's helping paint the shed, and dan and darin moved appliances downstairs. (they're tiling their basement, and have a half-kitchen downstairs.)
my other issue right now is that i have to call people back. i haven't been very good about that, because i'm so tired of having to rehash everything over and over. people whom i've not spoken to since dan's email, or people who know part of what's going on, are still in the first stage of "he did what? and why are you still there?" when i've moved past that point. it's frustrating because i find myself saying the same things over and over. i also have problems doing things like using the computer and phone after i've been on the phone and glued to my monitor for 8 hours at work. the last thing i want to do is hook myself up and become chained to my house.
annabel called the other day; dan spoke to her at length. i haven't called her back. haven't called nathan, either, and these are two people i WOULD LOVE to talk to. i'm hoping that with the next week being vacation i can do so and feel okay about it! i finally spoke to cari, but that's been my limit right now. i'm tired of the explaining. but i'm sure that i'm going to have to do it a great many times and even more in the future; but by staying here, i guess i've set myself up for the explaining. dan and i both decided the other day that it would be so much nicer to have a brochure to send out, or offer, when people ask questions.
today i don't kn ow what i'm going to do; stay out of the heat, i'm guessing. it's sweltering here. i doubt we've had a day under 89 degrees for the past week, and it's looking like that's where it's going to stay. which consequently means that i'm going to stay inside, where it's air conditioned, and try to get the a.c. funk out of the air (after days of not having the windows open it starts to get a certain smell...)
so yeah. that's where i'm at. off to finish charlie and the chocolate factory. (;
Saturday, July 09, 2005
a few quotes
just some random stuff that i'm pondering. (;
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." --Sir J. Lubbock
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." --Helen Keller (I never knew that those two lines preceded the last line!)
"Life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful." --Annette Funicello
"Some of us have great runways already built for us, so if you have one, TAKE OFF. If you don't, grab a shovel and build one." --Amelia Earhart
"Within the word recreation is the idea that you can recreate yourself. Do something to refresh your spirit, to nurture the little kid in you, to re-create yourself physically, emotionally, or spiritually." --Rita Emmett, from The Procrastinator's Handbook
"Rest is not idleness, and to lie sometimes on the grass under the trees on a summer's day, listening to the murmur of water, or watching the clouds float across the sky, is by no means a waste of time." --Sir J. Lubbock
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature. Life is either a daring adventure or nothing." --Helen Keller (I never knew that those two lines preceded the last line!)
"Life does not have to be perfect to be beautiful." --Annette Funicello
"Some of us have great runways already built for us, so if you have one, TAKE OFF. If you don't, grab a shovel and build one." --Amelia Earhart
"Within the word recreation is the idea that you can recreate yourself. Do something to refresh your spirit, to nurture the little kid in you, to re-create yourself physically, emotionally, or spiritually." --Rita Emmett, from The Procrastinator's Handbook
angry chair
dan posts a lot of lyrics on his blog, things that reflect how he's feeling. one of my favorite angry songs is "angry chair" by alice in chains; it's not just the words, it's the feeling when you hear layne staley growling and singing, and jerry on the guitar...beauty.
i realized that while i was driving today, that i'm angry yet. will be for a while. i want to throw something at serena, i want to punch something, i want to yell at dan. i'm sure that this will go on for a while, until it has burned through my system. i remember stories of the great fire of chicago, and how it just burned and burned. i'm angry with myself for not realizing what was going on, for not standing up for myself, for not throwing myself between them, for assuming that everything was "okay."
i'm angry at myself for forgiving the actions; i have yet to forgive the dishonesty. that's a much bigger hurdle, in my mind. but the actions i can forgive, because they're very human. so is the dishonesty, if i turn my mind in that manner. but it's much more difficult to comprehend than the actual actions themselves; bodies work in ways that minds do not.
i want to forgive the lies; i do. i want to do it so that i can move forward. but i don't want to force it, and i can't. it has to happen on its own.
i'm feeling sarcastic and bitchy right now, so bear with me.
some part of me is replaying last saturday right now, when i dug deep enough and got the truth. i still want to use this anger constructively, but the heating pad i'm working on sewing just doesn't seem physical enough. i think i need to wash a car or build a house, something much more vital. maybe repaint the sistine chapel. i need to feel productive in a much bigger way. i guess i'll have to work on finding it. (;
i've done a lot of reading online about affairs. i know i said that earlier. they say it can take up to 2 years before you feel recovered from the affair. i understand that, because i'm so up and down and all over that it's nearly humorous. i want to be alone; i want to call a friend. i want to watch a movie; i want to read a book. i want to sew a heating pad; i want to sit and cry. i think i just need to focus on something.
in a while i'm going to watch "the joy luck club" because i feel like bawling my eyes out. i don't want to watch it with anyone. i just know that i need to cry until i'm all sobbed out, and then i can get down to the nitty gritty of housework and laundry and the rest of life.
anyway, i never posted those lyrics to that alice in chains song. they're not pretty and the song itself is not pretty, but there's beauty even in anger. i'm just trying to funnel it so that i have something to show for the emotions i feel, and i guess a heating pad in lieu of the sistine chapel, is good enough. (:
before anyone panics, i know i can make it through this. i just know that it's going to take time to do so. rome, as they say, wasn't built in a day.
the anger, and the joy--they come and go, like thunderstorms in june, like snow in november. eventually they'll settle down again. i know it, because i have faith in the good of the human soul.
Angry Chair (Alice in Chains)
Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air
Stomach hurts and I don’t care
What do I see across the way
See myself molded in clay
Stares at me, yeah I’m afraid
Changing the shape of his face
Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair
Little boy made a mistake
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees, time to pray, boy
I don’t mind, yeah
I don’t mind, i-i-i
I don’t mind, yeah,
I don’t mind, i-i-i
Lost my mind, yeah
But I don’t mind, i-i-i
Can’t find it anywhere
I don’t mind
Corporate prison, we stay
I’m a dull boy, work all day
So I’m strung out anyway
Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide
Weight of my heart, not the size
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees time to pray
i realized that while i was driving today, that i'm angry yet. will be for a while. i want to throw something at serena, i want to punch something, i want to yell at dan. i'm sure that this will go on for a while, until it has burned through my system. i remember stories of the great fire of chicago, and how it just burned and burned. i'm angry with myself for not realizing what was going on, for not standing up for myself, for not throwing myself between them, for assuming that everything was "okay."
i'm angry at myself for forgiving the actions; i have yet to forgive the dishonesty. that's a much bigger hurdle, in my mind. but the actions i can forgive, because they're very human. so is the dishonesty, if i turn my mind in that manner. but it's much more difficult to comprehend than the actual actions themselves; bodies work in ways that minds do not.
i want to forgive the lies; i do. i want to do it so that i can move forward. but i don't want to force it, and i can't. it has to happen on its own.
i'm feeling sarcastic and bitchy right now, so bear with me.
some part of me is replaying last saturday right now, when i dug deep enough and got the truth. i still want to use this anger constructively, but the heating pad i'm working on sewing just doesn't seem physical enough. i think i need to wash a car or build a house, something much more vital. maybe repaint the sistine chapel. i need to feel productive in a much bigger way. i guess i'll have to work on finding it. (;
i've done a lot of reading online about affairs. i know i said that earlier. they say it can take up to 2 years before you feel recovered from the affair. i understand that, because i'm so up and down and all over that it's nearly humorous. i want to be alone; i want to call a friend. i want to watch a movie; i want to read a book. i want to sew a heating pad; i want to sit and cry. i think i just need to focus on something.
in a while i'm going to watch "the joy luck club" because i feel like bawling my eyes out. i don't want to watch it with anyone. i just know that i need to cry until i'm all sobbed out, and then i can get down to the nitty gritty of housework and laundry and the rest of life.
anyway, i never posted those lyrics to that alice in chains song. they're not pretty and the song itself is not pretty, but there's beauty even in anger. i'm just trying to funnel it so that i have something to show for the emotions i feel, and i guess a heating pad in lieu of the sistine chapel, is good enough. (:
before anyone panics, i know i can make it through this. i just know that it's going to take time to do so. rome, as they say, wasn't built in a day.
the anger, and the joy--they come and go, like thunderstorms in june, like snow in november. eventually they'll settle down again. i know it, because i have faith in the good of the human soul.
Angry Chair (Alice in Chains)
Sitting on an angry chair
Angry walls that steal the air
Stomach hurts and I don’t care
What do I see across the way
See myself molded in clay
Stares at me, yeah I’m afraid
Changing the shape of his face
Candles red I have a pair
Shadows dancing everywhere
Burning on the angry chair
Little boy made a mistake
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees, time to pray, boy
I don’t mind, yeah
I don’t mind, i-i-i
I don’t mind, yeah,
I don’t mind, i-i-i
Lost my mind, yeah
But I don’t mind, i-i-i
Can’t find it anywhere
I don’t mind
Corporate prison, we stay
I’m a dull boy, work all day
So I’m strung out anyway
Loneliness is not a phase
Field of pain is where I graze
Serenity is far away
Saw my reflection and cried
So little hope that I died
Feed me your lies, open wide
Weight of my heart, not the size
Pink cloud has now turned to gray
All that I want is to play
Get on your knees time to pray
different kind of stones
i've been thinking all night. you know, one of those nights where you wake up at 428 am thinking things that you thought you'd put away, at least for the night. sometimes it feels like putting the car in the garage for the evening.
which is the only reason i'm actually on the computer now, because i cleaned the litterbox and had to dump her highness' box in the garage, only to discover that once again the ceiling is leaking. since my rental office doesn't seem to do much when you ask them to, i'm going to actually put in another written request and see where that gets me. so i turned on the computer, and then i HAD to check my mail, and then i HAD to check blogs...and lo and behold, here i am.
the other day dan and i were discussing "the prophet" by kahlil gibran. i adore that book; we were just sitting there, talking, calm and relaxed. dan mentioned some quote from the bible and had to look it up, so then we switched gears and had to compare my bible with his. yeah, i still have a bible, because it's something that was given to me, and despite the fact that there's all kinds of things in the bible i don't agree with, there's all kinds of things i still do.
i don't know who reads this blog. so if you're a friend, you need to understand things before i move forward with this. i also DO NOT want phone calls. i can talk with you about the situation when and if we talk, but i don't want a barrage of "oh my gods" and stuff. i've already gone through every aspect of being angry, and being indignant. i'm ready to do something constructive with my feelings, but the quote that has been stuck in my mind is the one about throwing stones: let you among you who is without sin cast the first stone.
dan and serena have admitted to having an affair. not a physical affair while we all lived together here. but a physical affair just after i moved to the cities with them, and an online emotional and physical affair in the beginning of may. it took about 8 weeks for me to get the truth out of him; serena only admitted her involvement when confronted with my anger. they both have apologized profusely.
i have to admit it: i've NEVER felt so betrayed, never felt so hurt. but that's normal, in the circumstances.
i've never carried so many stones in my pockets, as reminders that i am temporary, and that someday i will heal, dan will heal, serena will heal. both dan and i have agreed to try, that we have something we want to salvage, reforge, make better. we saw the therapist for the first time thursday night, and made appointments to see him again in the future. i also need to line up my own therapist. being in that room with dan felt like things were MOVING somewhere, but we have a long way to go, i think. i remember the first flush of love, when we were young, and the dedication we had to each other. i want to find that again, but maybe a new brand, a different form.
from reading online about affairs i can see that they are human things. other beasties don't worry about affairs because they don't tie emotion to sex the way humans do. from reading i can see that we have a good chance to rebuild, and that we also have a good chance to change ourselves, and maybe not rebuild what we had. it's all chance, it's all fortune telling, it's all in the future.
please know that i am processing this information, all of it, slowly. i'm big into rocks and earth, as you know from my previous post. earth is patient; i try to go forward with that same patience in my soul. earth grows, earth hibernates. right now i'm hibernating; i've felt like i have been for a good month or two, at this point. but i think that spring in all it's wild growth is around the corner.
i'd like to share a poem i wrote years ago. at the time it was for a solstice celebration, calling forth the biological aspects of summer. right now i want to share it because i think it can also call forth the inner growth i need.
summer solstice 6.22.01
this night i call
impatient growth
i call unruly creation
and ridiculous west winds
i call the crackle of dusk
the soundless cloud
i drift within
i drift without
i see sun spinning autumn's bitter cloak
so swift, your time remaining.
and yet i feel you breathe
i feel you live
slow
as if there is space to rest
beneath dappled willow
time to drink deep of green silence.
watch the dragonfly shimmer.
in the mirror of its wings
you can see
summer's hazy soul.
which is the only reason i'm actually on the computer now, because i cleaned the litterbox and had to dump her highness' box in the garage, only to discover that once again the ceiling is leaking. since my rental office doesn't seem to do much when you ask them to, i'm going to actually put in another written request and see where that gets me. so i turned on the computer, and then i HAD to check my mail, and then i HAD to check blogs...and lo and behold, here i am.
the other day dan and i were discussing "the prophet" by kahlil gibran. i adore that book; we were just sitting there, talking, calm and relaxed. dan mentioned some quote from the bible and had to look it up, so then we switched gears and had to compare my bible with his. yeah, i still have a bible, because it's something that was given to me, and despite the fact that there's all kinds of things in the bible i don't agree with, there's all kinds of things i still do.
i don't know who reads this blog. so if you're a friend, you need to understand things before i move forward with this. i also DO NOT want phone calls. i can talk with you about the situation when and if we talk, but i don't want a barrage of "oh my gods" and stuff. i've already gone through every aspect of being angry, and being indignant. i'm ready to do something constructive with my feelings, but the quote that has been stuck in my mind is the one about throwing stones: let you among you who is without sin cast the first stone.
dan and serena have admitted to having an affair. not a physical affair while we all lived together here. but a physical affair just after i moved to the cities with them, and an online emotional and physical affair in the beginning of may. it took about 8 weeks for me to get the truth out of him; serena only admitted her involvement when confronted with my anger. they both have apologized profusely.
i have to admit it: i've NEVER felt so betrayed, never felt so hurt. but that's normal, in the circumstances.
i've never carried so many stones in my pockets, as reminders that i am temporary, and that someday i will heal, dan will heal, serena will heal. both dan and i have agreed to try, that we have something we want to salvage, reforge, make better. we saw the therapist for the first time thursday night, and made appointments to see him again in the future. i also need to line up my own therapist. being in that room with dan felt like things were MOVING somewhere, but we have a long way to go, i think. i remember the first flush of love, when we were young, and the dedication we had to each other. i want to find that again, but maybe a new brand, a different form.
from reading online about affairs i can see that they are human things. other beasties don't worry about affairs because they don't tie emotion to sex the way humans do. from reading i can see that we have a good chance to rebuild, and that we also have a good chance to change ourselves, and maybe not rebuild what we had. it's all chance, it's all fortune telling, it's all in the future.
please know that i am processing this information, all of it, slowly. i'm big into rocks and earth, as you know from my previous post. earth is patient; i try to go forward with that same patience in my soul. earth grows, earth hibernates. right now i'm hibernating; i've felt like i have been for a good month or two, at this point. but i think that spring in all it's wild growth is around the corner.
i'd like to share a poem i wrote years ago. at the time it was for a solstice celebration, calling forth the biological aspects of summer. right now i want to share it because i think it can also call forth the inner growth i need.
summer solstice 6.22.01
this night i call
impatient growth
i call unruly creation
and ridiculous west winds
i call the crackle of dusk
the soundless cloud
i drift within
i drift without
i see sun spinning autumn's bitter cloak
so swift, your time remaining.
and yet i feel you breathe
i feel you live
slow
as if there is space to rest
beneath dappled willow
time to drink deep of green silence.
watch the dragonfly shimmer.
in the mirror of its wings
you can see
summer's hazy soul.
Friday, July 08, 2005
stones
i carry stones in my pockets. when life gets incomprehensible, i go out and i find a stone that seems like it's too big for my pocket. sometimes the size of my fist; sometimes smaller, sometimes lake-smooth and sometimes jagged, just formed. can i tell you why?
because they remind me of the ephemeral value of life itself. they remind me that stones remain, after i'm gone. they remind me that the little bit of earth in my pocket was once a part of a much bigger portion of earth--part of the whole. it fell away, was bathed for years in water, or tumbled along the ground until edges were smoothed. perhaps it made its mark on some greater thing; perhaps a child used it to mark up the pavement, or someone propped open doors.
it has a story that, being silent and compressed earth, it will never share.
it pokes into my leg, when i lean against the counter. it hurts me. it reminds me that i am human, and that as a human, i can be hurt. sometimes hurt is hard to put your finger on, the internal hurt of someone else's pain, or the agony of being hurt yourself and being unable to describe it. but the pain of that little stone, the way my pants hang a bit to one side because there is no counter balance in the other pocket--that is a reminder, to me.
of what does it remind me? that after i am gone, you could take this stone and give it to someone else, and it would carry on. the stone is eternal. if i back my car over it, nothing will happen to the stone.
should i be more like this stone? should i be small, silent, gray? i don't honestly know how long it takes to form a stone this size. forever, it seems. years, and years. and decades, more time than i can fathom while staring around my cat at the words i'm typing. it is supposed to be where it is, right now--in my pocket, reminding me to be patient, reminding me that if i remain true to the things that i feel are important, i will stay true to the unformed self.
i know that this stone has been in the rain. i'm sure it's been covered by snow. it perseveres. it doesn't know what it is; it doesn't know what it does for me and my journey. someday soon i'm sure i'll pick up my jeans and it will roll to the floor, small thunk in the carpet. if dan picks it up, he will put it on my dresser, knowing my affinity for stones. if someone else finds it, maybe they will put it in their pocket. or the garbage. or just back outside again.
maybe it will roll a hole in my pocket, when it's done being carried about and used as a tool for my brain. one day it'll just be gone--from me. or i will be gone from it.
either way, five hundred years from now, this stone will still be.
can i tell you why it's in my pocket, today? it's a reminder that it is OKAY to be changed, over time. it's OKAY for me to be hurt, and not quite understand the depth of it, or understand if i am as hurt as perhaps i think i "have" to be. it's OKAY for me to be worn down by what is going on in my life--this is a big thing that's going on right now. it's OKAY for me to feel the love i feel for the person i do, and not quite fully understand the way i feel it; i think i'm supposed to be hurt, but part of the hurt is counteracted by the joy. it's like being partly cloudy out--it's also partly sunny at the same time. it's OKAY to forgive; it's OKAY for me to move around in this limbo world, and see how the hurt and the joy are both conflicting and making me anew in their own ways.
this is on a pretty optimistic day; ask me again later, see the pessimistic side. (;
joy, i think, can sometimes be just as frightening as pain, because you're half afraid the whole time that it might someday not be there or be like this again. when i lean against the wall, the stone will press into my left hip. it will remind me that perhaps the pain i'm feeling, and somedays the joy, will abate--someday the rain will stop and the sun will be out, and i can't see it yet. someday maybe i can take this stone out of my pocket, until i feel ready to put it in my pocket again.
it reminds me that no one, as sark says, calls an elephant fat. no one says a tree is ugly, for being pushed and reworked by the wind and water.
i am constantly being reworked--by emotions, by morals, by the ethical struggle of being human. being human is, in its own way, being made of stone--i think that i am fully formed, but time makes me realize that i am simply earth made flesh, susceptible to more than fire and rain--and in the end, it is just fine and dandy for me to be made this way, over and over again, and to feel the way i do.
for now, it's in my pocket.
because they remind me of the ephemeral value of life itself. they remind me that stones remain, after i'm gone. they remind me that the little bit of earth in my pocket was once a part of a much bigger portion of earth--part of the whole. it fell away, was bathed for years in water, or tumbled along the ground until edges were smoothed. perhaps it made its mark on some greater thing; perhaps a child used it to mark up the pavement, or someone propped open doors.
it has a story that, being silent and compressed earth, it will never share.
it pokes into my leg, when i lean against the counter. it hurts me. it reminds me that i am human, and that as a human, i can be hurt. sometimes hurt is hard to put your finger on, the internal hurt of someone else's pain, or the agony of being hurt yourself and being unable to describe it. but the pain of that little stone, the way my pants hang a bit to one side because there is no counter balance in the other pocket--that is a reminder, to me.
of what does it remind me? that after i am gone, you could take this stone and give it to someone else, and it would carry on. the stone is eternal. if i back my car over it, nothing will happen to the stone.
should i be more like this stone? should i be small, silent, gray? i don't honestly know how long it takes to form a stone this size. forever, it seems. years, and years. and decades, more time than i can fathom while staring around my cat at the words i'm typing. it is supposed to be where it is, right now--in my pocket, reminding me to be patient, reminding me that if i remain true to the things that i feel are important, i will stay true to the unformed self.
i know that this stone has been in the rain. i'm sure it's been covered by snow. it perseveres. it doesn't know what it is; it doesn't know what it does for me and my journey. someday soon i'm sure i'll pick up my jeans and it will roll to the floor, small thunk in the carpet. if dan picks it up, he will put it on my dresser, knowing my affinity for stones. if someone else finds it, maybe they will put it in their pocket. or the garbage. or just back outside again.
maybe it will roll a hole in my pocket, when it's done being carried about and used as a tool for my brain. one day it'll just be gone--from me. or i will be gone from it.
either way, five hundred years from now, this stone will still be.
can i tell you why it's in my pocket, today? it's a reminder that it is OKAY to be changed, over time. it's OKAY for me to be hurt, and not quite understand the depth of it, or understand if i am as hurt as perhaps i think i "have" to be. it's OKAY for me to be worn down by what is going on in my life--this is a big thing that's going on right now. it's OKAY for me to feel the love i feel for the person i do, and not quite fully understand the way i feel it; i think i'm supposed to be hurt, but part of the hurt is counteracted by the joy. it's like being partly cloudy out--it's also partly sunny at the same time. it's OKAY to forgive; it's OKAY for me to move around in this limbo world, and see how the hurt and the joy are both conflicting and making me anew in their own ways.
this is on a pretty optimistic day; ask me again later, see the pessimistic side. (;
joy, i think, can sometimes be just as frightening as pain, because you're half afraid the whole time that it might someday not be there or be like this again. when i lean against the wall, the stone will press into my left hip. it will remind me that perhaps the pain i'm feeling, and somedays the joy, will abate--someday the rain will stop and the sun will be out, and i can't see it yet. someday maybe i can take this stone out of my pocket, until i feel ready to put it in my pocket again.
it reminds me that no one, as sark says, calls an elephant fat. no one says a tree is ugly, for being pushed and reworked by the wind and water.
i am constantly being reworked--by emotions, by morals, by the ethical struggle of being human. being human is, in its own way, being made of stone--i think that i am fully formed, but time makes me realize that i am simply earth made flesh, susceptible to more than fire and rain--and in the end, it is just fine and dandy for me to be made this way, over and over again, and to feel the way i do.
for now, it's in my pocket.
Saturday, July 02, 2005
dawn
i haven't watched the sun come up in a long time. didn't really this morning either, except reflected off the townhouse siding out the window, because i can't see the sun from any room in the house--just the reflections and long shadows, the glare of it on windows. we don't really have any windows that show it to you--except maybe dan's window, which faces west. sometimes you get a glimpse.
the last few weeks have been terribly exhausting. i told a gal on the dbsa forum (depressed and bipolar support alliance, it's a lovely website and everyone is SO helpful and supportive!) anyway i said the other day that living with dan is often like holding marbles in your mouth--you never know what's going to happen next.
yesterday i think was a long time coming. and in the end it's right, as green day says.
serena gave dan an answer, one he'd been wanting for a long time. they talked and dan's disorder took over, amplified what he was feeling a thousandfold, and i got the email at work: i'm thinking i might hurt myself.
he called the crisis line, who told him to go to united hospital, up in st paul. i was at work and trying to finish things, so dan made himself drive up to work and then we drove to united's emergency room. i think it was one of the best and hardest things we've done in the 5 weeks since his break--the therapist has been amazing, and i think in the long run will continue to be helpful. but when you get to the point dan was at, the only thing i can say is thank god--thank god that he kept his promise and told me that he was thinking of hurting himself, thank god that united hospitals help you before they ask about insurance, thank god for general medical assistance, thank god for the kind and considerate social worker, linda.
we were there for about two and a half hours. it was the most and least painful trip i've been on to a hospital in forever, i think. most because it's hard to see someone else in pain, and know that there is nothing you can do but hold the kleenex box and pray, in your soul, that something will put a bandage on that hurt you can't see. and least, because there are no stitches, no abrasions, no poking and prodding of my own self. sometimes it's the extension of yourself that is most painful, though--just the knowing and the hand holding.
i called my sister, while dan and the social worker were talking. the beauty of any type of health care system is the blessed and cursed waiting--over two hours dan went from suicidal thoughts, without a plan, to just plain depressed, to manic, to evening out. i'd swear that was part of the treatment at the er--you're suicidal? well, sit here, you can watch the security guard watch you to make sure you don't make a run for it, oh, five hours have passed and now you just want some jello? what's this?
but everyone was nice. no one gave us the stares for not having a noticeable hurt between us--i'm sure they see all kinds, i've heard about the er waiting room extensively from my other sister, who used to do admissions there. it's the compassion that maybe tempers your fear, and makes it into something you can deal with.
at any rate i called my sister sara because i couldn't think of anyone else to call. and then had to leave a voicemail. called my friend nathan, who--and i cannot thank him enough for this--said, where are you, i'm on my way. i hate to be the person asking someone to drop everything and run to them, because i always feel like an imposition. but it gave me such a sense of relief when he said just tell me where you are, i'm coming. like i'd been alone but not known it. right now as i type this i'm crying, because i know that if i had called any of my friends or family, they would have done the same. but thank you nathan, thank you a billion times over, for being there when i needed you.
i always think back to when corey died, dan's brother. 6 years ago now. i remember standing in the church, right before the funeral started, and looking out the back doors and seeing my sisters and brother, all walking towards the building. i was filled with such an overwhelming sense of relief and joy, that they were there. i remember walking out the back door and into their arms and just sobbing.
this is humanity at its best--the hugs and the love, given freely, asking for nothing in return.
the social worker came out and talked to me too. she was exceedingly sympathetic and understanding--which i suppose comes with the territory--and asked questions that made sense: how long has he been like this, how are you holding up, what are your fears for the situation. after conferring with the doctor and seeing what was available, they offered dan some options--he could go to a crisis house up by hamline university, hewitt house, or he could go home and they would have some people from a place called EMACHS come over today and set him up, possibly today, with meds and someone to stop by regularly to check on him.
we both felt, at that point, that it would be best to go home; he'd calmed down and was hungry and tired, both signs that something was passing, probably the flare or whatever it is that bipolar disorder causes.
the marbles in your mouth part--that's today. that's not knowing if later tonight he'll feel overwhelmed again and need to be held and kleenex applied, or turn manic and plan thirty-three things, in addition to cleaning the bathroom and taking out the garbage and watching a movie. that's the part that is the scary part for me.
so we had dinner with nathan at cassetta's, which was nice and kind of settling, and then we came home. dan spoke to serena and i spoke to my sister sara, and we went to bed at about 1015, just holding each other. sometimes that is the best comfort you can take, the closeness and familiarity of a body that loves you.
about 430 he got up, bit sick to his stomach. still thinking about serena and what has gone on, and probably a bit ill because of spicy pizza after nothing in his belly but hospital water and crushed ice since (we think) wednesday night. so we laid there, talking, watching the room get lighter and lighter, watching the ceiling turn white from dark gray, watching the cat get ready to sleep in the sunny-ish window, hearing birds and neighbors moving around.
it's a new day. it's a sunny day. sky's blue, air's chill and much drier than it was for the last few weeks, shiva's clawing my hip in anticipation of breakfast. right now, momentarily, i wish she didn't have claws, because her lack of claw control is a bit stinging. i need to shower and call my sister; we're supposed to have coffee and banana bread this morning. dan's sleeping again, and i don't want to wake him. once i'm up in the morning, it's difficult to go back to sleep. but i think i might find it in me to take a nap yet, this afternoon. (:
the last few weeks have been terribly exhausting. i told a gal on the dbsa forum (depressed and bipolar support alliance, it's a lovely website and everyone is SO helpful and supportive!) anyway i said the other day that living with dan is often like holding marbles in your mouth--you never know what's going to happen next.
yesterday i think was a long time coming. and in the end it's right, as green day says.
serena gave dan an answer, one he'd been wanting for a long time. they talked and dan's disorder took over, amplified what he was feeling a thousandfold, and i got the email at work: i'm thinking i might hurt myself.
he called the crisis line, who told him to go to united hospital, up in st paul. i was at work and trying to finish things, so dan made himself drive up to work and then we drove to united's emergency room. i think it was one of the best and hardest things we've done in the 5 weeks since his break--the therapist has been amazing, and i think in the long run will continue to be helpful. but when you get to the point dan was at, the only thing i can say is thank god--thank god that he kept his promise and told me that he was thinking of hurting himself, thank god that united hospitals help you before they ask about insurance, thank god for general medical assistance, thank god for the kind and considerate social worker, linda.
we were there for about two and a half hours. it was the most and least painful trip i've been on to a hospital in forever, i think. most because it's hard to see someone else in pain, and know that there is nothing you can do but hold the kleenex box and pray, in your soul, that something will put a bandage on that hurt you can't see. and least, because there are no stitches, no abrasions, no poking and prodding of my own self. sometimes it's the extension of yourself that is most painful, though--just the knowing and the hand holding.
i called my sister, while dan and the social worker were talking. the beauty of any type of health care system is the blessed and cursed waiting--over two hours dan went from suicidal thoughts, without a plan, to just plain depressed, to manic, to evening out. i'd swear that was part of the treatment at the er--you're suicidal? well, sit here, you can watch the security guard watch you to make sure you don't make a run for it, oh, five hours have passed and now you just want some jello? what's this?
but everyone was nice. no one gave us the stares for not having a noticeable hurt between us--i'm sure they see all kinds, i've heard about the er waiting room extensively from my other sister, who used to do admissions there. it's the compassion that maybe tempers your fear, and makes it into something you can deal with.
at any rate i called my sister sara because i couldn't think of anyone else to call. and then had to leave a voicemail. called my friend nathan, who--and i cannot thank him enough for this--said, where are you, i'm on my way. i hate to be the person asking someone to drop everything and run to them, because i always feel like an imposition. but it gave me such a sense of relief when he said just tell me where you are, i'm coming. like i'd been alone but not known it. right now as i type this i'm crying, because i know that if i had called any of my friends or family, they would have done the same. but thank you nathan, thank you a billion times over, for being there when i needed you.
i always think back to when corey died, dan's brother. 6 years ago now. i remember standing in the church, right before the funeral started, and looking out the back doors and seeing my sisters and brother, all walking towards the building. i was filled with such an overwhelming sense of relief and joy, that they were there. i remember walking out the back door and into their arms and just sobbing.
this is humanity at its best--the hugs and the love, given freely, asking for nothing in return.
the social worker came out and talked to me too. she was exceedingly sympathetic and understanding--which i suppose comes with the territory--and asked questions that made sense: how long has he been like this, how are you holding up, what are your fears for the situation. after conferring with the doctor and seeing what was available, they offered dan some options--he could go to a crisis house up by hamline university, hewitt house, or he could go home and they would have some people from a place called EMACHS come over today and set him up, possibly today, with meds and someone to stop by regularly to check on him.
we both felt, at that point, that it would be best to go home; he'd calmed down and was hungry and tired, both signs that something was passing, probably the flare or whatever it is that bipolar disorder causes.
the marbles in your mouth part--that's today. that's not knowing if later tonight he'll feel overwhelmed again and need to be held and kleenex applied, or turn manic and plan thirty-three things, in addition to cleaning the bathroom and taking out the garbage and watching a movie. that's the part that is the scary part for me.
so we had dinner with nathan at cassetta's, which was nice and kind of settling, and then we came home. dan spoke to serena and i spoke to my sister sara, and we went to bed at about 1015, just holding each other. sometimes that is the best comfort you can take, the closeness and familiarity of a body that loves you.
about 430 he got up, bit sick to his stomach. still thinking about serena and what has gone on, and probably a bit ill because of spicy pizza after nothing in his belly but hospital water and crushed ice since (we think) wednesday night. so we laid there, talking, watching the room get lighter and lighter, watching the ceiling turn white from dark gray, watching the cat get ready to sleep in the sunny-ish window, hearing birds and neighbors moving around.
it's a new day. it's a sunny day. sky's blue, air's chill and much drier than it was for the last few weeks, shiva's clawing my hip in anticipation of breakfast. right now, momentarily, i wish she didn't have claws, because her lack of claw control is a bit stinging. i need to shower and call my sister; we're supposed to have coffee and banana bread this morning. dan's sleeping again, and i don't want to wake him. once i'm up in the morning, it's difficult to go back to sleep. but i think i might find it in me to take a nap yet, this afternoon. (:
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