so lately i've been thinking about how there's two things i really want to devote a blog to. the first is my grandma altobelli.
maybe i'll expand more later, but grandma's got alzheimer's, and she's really not grandma any longer. i find it difficult to visit her, because she doesn't know who i am, and being around a large group of people makes her nervous...which is difficult to avoid in our family because everyone travels in large italian-slovenian packs.
anyway, i've been feeling like a bum because when i have the chance to see her--like before christmas--i didn't take it. i squelched out on it. mainly because it's so hard to see her and know that she's not yours, not anymore. it scares me because it's a reminder that perhaps i'm not too far away from assuming my mother's role in her mother's life, so on and so forth. and that makes me feel a strange need to reproduce, if only to further the genetic strain and have my daughter come visit me when i think i haven't had children.
i'll get over it. i know i will. there's probably not a lot of time left, i suppose, in all reality. but the gal i knew, when i was younger, has been gone for a few years now, replaced by this other woman who feels uncomfortable around me--i like my memories the way they are, edited for content, happy and well-fed in grandma ursh's warm little kitchen.
the other thing i've been wanting to write about is dad's one year birthday. on 2.5.05 he will celebrate a year of his re-furbished heart. i haven't been doing very well with dad's low fat diet lately, or exercising more, all those things i promised myself i would do. i try, i really, really do, but then something like last night happens, and a lot of liquor later, i think, that probably wasn't very healthy. i think there was a line in smilla's sense of snow: an overall poisoning of the organism. one drink is good, two is fine, three is pushing it, and by five i should have known better. i think.
anyway it's been a year since my family gathered in that room, prayed to ourselves as they operated. it's hard to imagine that now--that whole day was so surreal, so strange and on edge, and yet there was a lot of laughter sprinkled in the mix. i remember that morning, getting up and dad was already gone from the house, and there was a moment when we wondered if we should shower or not...should we wait, would it matter. so we showered and primped, just because it felt nice and normal.
then we went to the hospital. thought we would just sit in the regular waiting area but they had rooms set aside, with televisions and comfy chairs. it was a good thing we had a door on the room because there was a lot of roaring laughter after my sister brought out her 7th grade papers to read through. the kids were writing about trekking through the oregon trail, but it was hard to keep their modern thoughts--ie, one wrote about stopping at macdonald's on the way--out of the historical context. we watched tv, walked around some, had lunch, generally bothered everyone in the waiting area because for a group of people whose dad was undergoing open heart surgery, we were pretty full of laughter.
i remember the nurse came in and briefed us a few times--once when they started, once when they put him on the heart-lung machine, and then again later, when we were all nervous because according to the previous report, he should have been done. they finished at 245, about three hours later than originally planned. the doctor came down to the room--dr pineda--and let us in on why things took so long. they'd done 6 bypasses, total--and then when he was done, he didn't like the way one looked, so he re-did it. good to know. halfway through his soft-spoken explanation, he got a phone call from a nurse, who was trying to tell him that he needed to come up to the room because a patient was having problems with the iv in his arm. either the dr couldn't hear very well or just wasn't paying attention to her; his cell was so loud that we all knew it was the man's right arm, and there was an issue with his iv. finally the nurse shouted through the phone, after a particularly slow interchange of the dr still not understanding which iv was causing problems, "the right arm, you know, like the one holding your phone." we all stifled giggles.
i remember how long his fingers were. long and slender.
we moved around a bit after that. went upstairs and made short work of the phone list, what with everyone having a cell phone with them. then sat around for a bit before he was moved to icu and we could see him again.
that was the hardest part of the day, and the happiest, too.
dad was all stuck up on this bed, and the nurse in attendence said that he had sparked up when he heard our voices. i didn't cry then, i hadn't cried all day. as i write this it makes me tear up a little, thinking. he didn't open his eyes, had a ventilator down his throat, looked pale and a bit jaundiced, and his blood pressure was very, very low, but he was moving his feet (which is a normal dad thing, he does that when he gets into bed, or while just sitting on the couch, moves his feet around and crosses and uncrosses them) but he was too weak to do much more. mom and i moved over to the bed so we could kiss him, and he got agitated, like he could hear through all the layers of gook he was pumped with, all the knock you out COLD stuff, that we really were there. i leaned over and said: just be still dad, just be quiet and heal. and he nodded.
that was the happiest point of the day. i knew that everything would be okay, then. gave up worry. even if everything had turned for the worst, dad knew i was there, he'd acknowledged, and he calmed down some.
out of all the things in my life, any difference i made, that is the one that i carry with me, that little nod. it was almost like absolution.
we laid around the waiting room some more, talked with another woman whose mother was in icu for something else, and eventually went home, slowly, filled with weary joy.
you measure life differently, after things happen that change you. it's been five years since corey, one year since dad had his bypasses. three years, this year, since i left bemidji, and soon a two years since vickie died, too. it doesn't seem like that long.
yesterday it was one year since i'd seen my friend veronica. last time i saw her was the year end party for work last year. last night was fun, but i missed my friends--serena, veronica. i have new ones now, people who are just as funny and amusing, in a different way. i'm glad i went.
it's just a dichotomy, always--that sense of continuing, with all these aspects within. i think of the earth mother--maiden, mother, crone--three in one. the seasons, turning and turning. world without end, amen.
i'll have another heineken, please.
Saturday, January 29, 2005
Thursday, January 27, 2005
two minute blog
it takes me at least twenty minutes to shower and get ready to go to work, which means that right now, being 813 am, i need to write and post in two minutes so i can still get ready and be there around the right time.
this week has been kind of a roller coaster. monday was bumpy-ish, tuesday was semi-normal, wednesday was fun, and now it's thursday, and i've no desire to go to work.
tomorrow, however, is our year end party, and that's always...interesting.
the snow is melting outside, which makes me kind of sad. i want it to hang around. it's like a good friend that shows up and then just as abruptly heads back on out. *sigh*
also picked up kim harrison's new book yesterday, while walking around the moa w/ rene, so far so good. if only i didn't need to sleep. (;
and last but not least, i had the medium salsa last night while at chipotle and it was a bit too hot for me. so, note to self, maybe not the hot stuff next time...
one addendum to NATHAN: i emailed you, but it came to my yahoo account...so i don't know if i actually emailed you or not. i sent it from discombobulated site...? any ideas? and i did indeed listen to 89.3 last night, it was lovely!!! nice and refreshing. they played some of everything. i'm keeping it on that station for a bit.
two minute blog is two minutes too long, must run!
this week has been kind of a roller coaster. monday was bumpy-ish, tuesday was semi-normal, wednesday was fun, and now it's thursday, and i've no desire to go to work.
tomorrow, however, is our year end party, and that's always...interesting.
the snow is melting outside, which makes me kind of sad. i want it to hang around. it's like a good friend that shows up and then just as abruptly heads back on out. *sigh*
also picked up kim harrison's new book yesterday, while walking around the moa w/ rene, so far so good. if only i didn't need to sleep. (;
and last but not least, i had the medium salsa last night while at chipotle and it was a bit too hot for me. so, note to self, maybe not the hot stuff next time...
one addendum to NATHAN: i emailed you, but it came to my yahoo account...so i don't know if i actually emailed you or not. i sent it from discombobulated site...? any ideas? and i did indeed listen to 89.3 last night, it was lovely!!! nice and refreshing. they played some of everything. i'm keeping it on that station for a bit.
two minute blog is two minutes too long, must run!
Monday, January 24, 2005
comprehension
sometimes
i take that back all the time
it's hard for me to
understand
your mind
maybe i don't have enough
fabric
in my own
the tarp of my brain
can't handle trying to wrap
itself around yours
maybe i've just used it up
maybe there's nothing left
but scraps,
piecework, the bits
and slices
lemons are to lemonade
as mud is to mudpies
that mother speech resides
in my dna.
perhaps the worst is yet
to come.
so brace yourself, bridget.
complete comprehension of life
can be located
at the corner of 35E and yankee doodle road.
perhaps you've been given
the keys
to
joy
i take that back all the time
it's hard for me to
understand
your mind
maybe i don't have enough
fabric
in my own
the tarp of my brain
can't handle trying to wrap
itself around yours
maybe i've just used it up
maybe there's nothing left
but scraps,
piecework, the bits
and slices
lemons are to lemonade
as mud is to mudpies
that mother speech resides
in my dna.
perhaps the worst is yet
to come.
so brace yourself, bridget.
complete comprehension of life
can be located
at the corner of 35E and yankee doodle road.
perhaps you've been given
the keys
to
joy
Sunday, January 23, 2005
snow
i was sooooooooooo beyond pleased on friday.
there were two things i really, really wanted to do--be dumped on by mother nature, in the form of a few flakes, and listen to the dust for life cd. it didn't look like either was going to happen, as originally the forecast was for 1-4 inches and lately that forecast means a dusting. and we couldn't find the dust for life cd anywhere.
so thursday we find the cd. friday morning, it's the only cd in my car, because i still haven't gotten around to putting the car cd thing back in the car after last weekend's foray to the hinterlands. (:
of course, by 330, we're in a winter weather warning. yippee!
so i got my snow, and i got stuck in my car for over an hour on the drive home, with horrible radio reception and just one cd to loop around...by listen numero 4 i was ready for a different cd.
that, in a nutshell, is karma.
wish for something enough, and it's given to you.
teresa used to do callings for things--you make a spell, or pray or just ask the universe enough, and eventually, it will come to you. the how is for the fates to decide, or god, or whoever is on the other end of that spiritual phoneline, whatever you believe.
i asked for snow; it's out there, for the sharing.
there were two things i really, really wanted to do--be dumped on by mother nature, in the form of a few flakes, and listen to the dust for life cd. it didn't look like either was going to happen, as originally the forecast was for 1-4 inches and lately that forecast means a dusting. and we couldn't find the dust for life cd anywhere.
so thursday we find the cd. friday morning, it's the only cd in my car, because i still haven't gotten around to putting the car cd thing back in the car after last weekend's foray to the hinterlands. (:
of course, by 330, we're in a winter weather warning. yippee!
so i got my snow, and i got stuck in my car for over an hour on the drive home, with horrible radio reception and just one cd to loop around...by listen numero 4 i was ready for a different cd.
that, in a nutshell, is karma.
wish for something enough, and it's given to you.
teresa used to do callings for things--you make a spell, or pray or just ask the universe enough, and eventually, it will come to you. the how is for the fates to decide, or god, or whoever is on the other end of that spiritual phoneline, whatever you believe.
i asked for snow; it's out there, for the sharing.
Friday, January 21, 2005
these dreams...
was just looking at a friend's blog and she posted a few days ago about a horrible dream she had.
now, for anyone who knows me, i'm a very vivid dreamer. i usually remember all the dreams i have during the night. serena once told me that meant i wasn't sleeping well because if you wake up and can remember the dream, you're not completing your rem cycle. i think. course it's early right now and i'm kinda wonky yet.
anyhow, reading that, i realized that i couldn't remember any dream from last night. stranger still, i know the last time i remember dreaming was when i was in the vortex last weekend.
(which was a great deal of fun. quick synopsis: got up there sat am, hung out with rene and kendall for a bit before kendall's b-day party at the roller rink, which i did not attend...because i stopped over at first impressions and cari took one look at my head of hair, which was beginning to take on its own existence, and told me to sit in her chair. so hair is now fixed. caught some late lunch at tutto bene which is always delish and i'd been jonesing for their spicy tomato soup for a long time, then went back to cari's and drank some wine--i'll not disclose amounts LOL--and then headed over to the northern inn to see michael perform. as usual he was hysterically funny, and we laughed our asses off. his opener was this bald guy from iowa who just wasn't very funny. maybe it was the "red headed little boys are ugly" stuff. i kinda took offense. *sigh* but i did come up with a new swear word while there, due to the iowa guy's set--cookiefucker. don't ask. it's not as good as pumpkinfucker but it has a certain homestyle twist, don't you think? anyway we sat around after michael's set and had drinks, and then stopped down to hard times because i think his name was bill had a hookup or something. then amanda and cari and i had breakfast/dinner at 2 am at country kitchen. next morning i woke up to the peircing cry of tony changing the batteries in the smoke alarm and thought i was going to make a skylight in the spare room...so we watched some evan farmer and andrew dan-jumbo on while you were out and then went to the american legion for pancakes, and then i got in my pocket car and drove to st cloud...was there for about 45 minutes before racing back to the cities again to drop off the car, and then went home and collapsed. which is really honestly what needed to happen because this week has SUCKED!!! LOL)
so. i had this dream while i was in bemidji. dreamed that cari and i were on a bus, a yellow school bus, in france, driving across the countryside with a large group of people. there was another bus behind us, and another in front, but gradually they moved away and it was just our bus, filled with tourists, i think. i was ogling the countryside, which appeared to be straight out of any "french countryside" calendar you've ever seen, so it was very pretty in a soothing way.
the driver turned out to be freakishly old--i'm talking like 150 or something, just this wizened little old frenchman. he maintained that he'd been driving for years--a lot of them, i'd venture--and that he knew the road very well. good thing, too, because there were these huge potholes that made west duluth look positively flat. all of a sudden we take this detour across a field, bouncing and jouncing and it's not as even as the happy green grass makes it look. we at some point exit the bus and the driver continues on and wraps the front around a large tree.
everyone is crying because we don't know when the next bus will be past and no one has a cell phone or there is no range, i don't know. cari and i are cool headed and calm, and we walk to this pastorage a few miles back and gather up blankets and food, go back and find an empty barn and get the troup settled for the night. next day another bus shows up and we're given some kind of commendation for keeping everyone sane, fed and warm. huh?
it was strange but not as strange as the spider dream. turns out that spider hangs up in half price books in apple valley. large, black, stuffed, with neon green stripes on its joints and big pasted on felt eyes. and yes, in the dream i knew the spider was stuffed. but it was the lead up that got me. LOL
quickly before i have to run to work: we're in virginia mn for a party. i'm walking to meet dan somewhere and cursing his name because he's got the car and why should i be walking alone at 3 am. halfway there i come across a man killing a girl, a young asian girl. i fend him off with a stick or something (in the dream i don't have a purse! yikes!) and the cops show up. the girl reminds me that i have to stop by her parents' vegetable stand because they have something for my sister. so i stop by and these two cute parents hand me a plastic bag half full of cukes or something veggie-ish. i troop over to a community center that's under seige, sneak in through the air ducts, and try to give my sister the bag of veggies. she argues that i wasn't supposed to bring them to her, the family needs to sell them more. i try to get people out through the air ducts because the terrorists aren't looking, but sara shoos me out and i go back to the stand. the dad comes out and says that i have to take the veggies to the mother in back of the stand, so i go back and she's trying to kill this spider.
which is the spider that's hanging in half price books. i kid you not. big, stuffed, black with green knee joints, felt eyeballs pasted on its face, and this menacing mouth, also pasted on. it can't even gum a banana, and in the dream i'm terrified. we're throwing everything at this sucker, and it's still trying to come at us. in the dream i had this half-thought that this must be my subconcious laughing at me, and i start laughing, and then i wake up.
dan's dream, same night--he rescues a kitten and we survive a plane crash.
linear thinker versus chaotic thinker. or something like that.
dunno. all i know is this was going to be a quick postie and fuck it all, it's now 745 and i have to get ready for another day of bliss. :P the best thing about today, other than tomorrow i don't have to work? stargate sg1 season opener!!!!!!!! *does dance of joy in computer chair* o'neill and dr jackson and t'ealc, oh my!
now, for anyone who knows me, i'm a very vivid dreamer. i usually remember all the dreams i have during the night. serena once told me that meant i wasn't sleeping well because if you wake up and can remember the dream, you're not completing your rem cycle. i think. course it's early right now and i'm kinda wonky yet.
anyhow, reading that, i realized that i couldn't remember any dream from last night. stranger still, i know the last time i remember dreaming was when i was in the vortex last weekend.
(which was a great deal of fun. quick synopsis: got up there sat am, hung out with rene and kendall for a bit before kendall's b-day party at the roller rink, which i did not attend...because i stopped over at first impressions and cari took one look at my head of hair, which was beginning to take on its own existence, and told me to sit in her chair. so hair is now fixed. caught some late lunch at tutto bene which is always delish and i'd been jonesing for their spicy tomato soup for a long time, then went back to cari's and drank some wine--i'll not disclose amounts LOL--and then headed over to the northern inn to see michael perform. as usual he was hysterically funny, and we laughed our asses off. his opener was this bald guy from iowa who just wasn't very funny. maybe it was the "red headed little boys are ugly" stuff. i kinda took offense. *sigh* but i did come up with a new swear word while there, due to the iowa guy's set--cookiefucker. don't ask. it's not as good as pumpkinfucker but it has a certain homestyle twist, don't you think? anyway we sat around after michael's set and had drinks, and then stopped down to hard times because i think his name was bill had a hookup or something. then amanda and cari and i had breakfast/dinner at 2 am at country kitchen. next morning i woke up to the peircing cry of tony changing the batteries in the smoke alarm and thought i was going to make a skylight in the spare room...so we watched some evan farmer and andrew dan-jumbo on while you were out and then went to the american legion for pancakes, and then i got in my pocket car and drove to st cloud...was there for about 45 minutes before racing back to the cities again to drop off the car, and then went home and collapsed. which is really honestly what needed to happen because this week has SUCKED!!! LOL)
so. i had this dream while i was in bemidji. dreamed that cari and i were on a bus, a yellow school bus, in france, driving across the countryside with a large group of people. there was another bus behind us, and another in front, but gradually they moved away and it was just our bus, filled with tourists, i think. i was ogling the countryside, which appeared to be straight out of any "french countryside" calendar you've ever seen, so it was very pretty in a soothing way.
the driver turned out to be freakishly old--i'm talking like 150 or something, just this wizened little old frenchman. he maintained that he'd been driving for years--a lot of them, i'd venture--and that he knew the road very well. good thing, too, because there were these huge potholes that made west duluth look positively flat. all of a sudden we take this detour across a field, bouncing and jouncing and it's not as even as the happy green grass makes it look. we at some point exit the bus and the driver continues on and wraps the front around a large tree.
everyone is crying because we don't know when the next bus will be past and no one has a cell phone or there is no range, i don't know. cari and i are cool headed and calm, and we walk to this pastorage a few miles back and gather up blankets and food, go back and find an empty barn and get the troup settled for the night. next day another bus shows up and we're given some kind of commendation for keeping everyone sane, fed and warm. huh?
it was strange but not as strange as the spider dream. turns out that spider hangs up in half price books in apple valley. large, black, stuffed, with neon green stripes on its joints and big pasted on felt eyes. and yes, in the dream i knew the spider was stuffed. but it was the lead up that got me. LOL
quickly before i have to run to work: we're in virginia mn for a party. i'm walking to meet dan somewhere and cursing his name because he's got the car and why should i be walking alone at 3 am. halfway there i come across a man killing a girl, a young asian girl. i fend him off with a stick or something (in the dream i don't have a purse! yikes!) and the cops show up. the girl reminds me that i have to stop by her parents' vegetable stand because they have something for my sister. so i stop by and these two cute parents hand me a plastic bag half full of cukes or something veggie-ish. i troop over to a community center that's under seige, sneak in through the air ducts, and try to give my sister the bag of veggies. she argues that i wasn't supposed to bring them to her, the family needs to sell them more. i try to get people out through the air ducts because the terrorists aren't looking, but sara shoos me out and i go back to the stand. the dad comes out and says that i have to take the veggies to the mother in back of the stand, so i go back and she's trying to kill this spider.
which is the spider that's hanging in half price books. i kid you not. big, stuffed, black with green knee joints, felt eyeballs pasted on its face, and this menacing mouth, also pasted on. it can't even gum a banana, and in the dream i'm terrified. we're throwing everything at this sucker, and it's still trying to come at us. in the dream i had this half-thought that this must be my subconcious laughing at me, and i start laughing, and then i wake up.
dan's dream, same night--he rescues a kitten and we survive a plane crash.
linear thinker versus chaotic thinker. or something like that.
dunno. all i know is this was going to be a quick postie and fuck it all, it's now 745 and i have to get ready for another day of bliss. :P the best thing about today, other than tomorrow i don't have to work? stargate sg1 season opener!!!!!!!! *does dance of joy in computer chair* o'neill and dr jackson and t'ealc, oh my!
Saturday, January 15, 2005
so...
rented freedom comes in the form of a hyundai accent, dark gray. i thought it looked tiny (and it IS!) but the inside of the car reminds me soooooooooooo much of lupe that it makes driving easy.
the last car i rented was a 2003 mitsubishi galante and it was gi-huge-ic. i didn't know where anything was, but the plus was it was easy to find everything, being that it was all quite clearly marked.
let's see cons about this car i've got now...teeny enough to fit in my purse, has this overdrive button on the gear shift that i have nooooooo idea of what it means, so i've just left it on. seats feel strange. but then i'm used to my mazda la-z-boys. (; the hood has these strange creases that, for someone who is distracted by life in general, are very distracting. i keep thinking there something on the hood when in all acutality there's really not. also the windsheild washer squirter things (applicators? that sounds too high-tech for me.) anyway they stick up pretty far over the hood, and those are distracting too. *shrug* no cruise but i'm not terribly bothered by that.
pros: it's small, seems very fuel efficient thus far, and is cute in a could-fit-in-my-coat-pocket type of way. it also drives quite nicely, has a pretty good sized trunk, large windsheild and good sized side mirrors. (after driving my car, i got in dan's one day--he's got a chevy corsica--and was appalled that i could see so little in the mirrors. large side mirrors should SO not be a luxury item!) also the mirrors are electric, so i can move both sides from the driver's seat. (which could be a con because it was distracting me...LOL) anyway it's a nice car, for which i'm quite grateful.
when i got here last night--my parents' house in st cloud--it was dark and cold. cold outside, dark inside. mom and dad drove up to virginia this weekend to see my grandma, and my sister beth was at her christmas party. so i went in, called cari, found my phone charger, and then called the car rental place because they'd started my car, and then when i was getting in the guy said here's your other key. i was confused but that's a state of being so i put the key in my pocket. come to find out, i have one key for my car, and one key for a white chevy malibu. hee hee hee. he was very apologetic and glad that i'd called. yay me. anyway i was going to try to wait up for my sister to get home, but by 11 i had such a horrible headache that i just went to bed.
sad that friday nights have degenerated into go to sleep early nights. *sigh* oh, to be a few years younger and have more energy. cari and i were discussing the fact that the older you get, the more like flat pop you become. she said that if i was flat pop, she's made it to syrup.
anyhow...i'm going to go start the gray car and then find something to eat. which won't be hard, considering i'm at home and my mother is italian. god forbid there's not enough food for the mongolian hordes in her kitchen at any given moment. gotta love her. guess i do. (;
cheers, k(:
the last car i rented was a 2003 mitsubishi galante and it was gi-huge-ic. i didn't know where anything was, but the plus was it was easy to find everything, being that it was all quite clearly marked.
let's see cons about this car i've got now...teeny enough to fit in my purse, has this overdrive button on the gear shift that i have nooooooo idea of what it means, so i've just left it on. seats feel strange. but then i'm used to my mazda la-z-boys. (; the hood has these strange creases that, for someone who is distracted by life in general, are very distracting. i keep thinking there something on the hood when in all acutality there's really not. also the windsheild washer squirter things (applicators? that sounds too high-tech for me.) anyway they stick up pretty far over the hood, and those are distracting too. *shrug* no cruise but i'm not terribly bothered by that.
pros: it's small, seems very fuel efficient thus far, and is cute in a could-fit-in-my-coat-pocket type of way. it also drives quite nicely, has a pretty good sized trunk, large windsheild and good sized side mirrors. (after driving my car, i got in dan's one day--he's got a chevy corsica--and was appalled that i could see so little in the mirrors. large side mirrors should SO not be a luxury item!) also the mirrors are electric, so i can move both sides from the driver's seat. (which could be a con because it was distracting me...LOL) anyway it's a nice car, for which i'm quite grateful.
when i got here last night--my parents' house in st cloud--it was dark and cold. cold outside, dark inside. mom and dad drove up to virginia this weekend to see my grandma, and my sister beth was at her christmas party. so i went in, called cari, found my phone charger, and then called the car rental place because they'd started my car, and then when i was getting in the guy said here's your other key. i was confused but that's a state of being so i put the key in my pocket. come to find out, i have one key for my car, and one key for a white chevy malibu. hee hee hee. he was very apologetic and glad that i'd called. yay me. anyway i was going to try to wait up for my sister to get home, but by 11 i had such a horrible headache that i just went to bed.
sad that friday nights have degenerated into go to sleep early nights. *sigh* oh, to be a few years younger and have more energy. cari and i were discussing the fact that the older you get, the more like flat pop you become. she said that if i was flat pop, she's made it to syrup.
anyhow...i'm going to go start the gray car and then find something to eat. which won't be hard, considering i'm at home and my mother is italian. god forbid there's not enough food for the mongolian hordes in her kitchen at any given moment. gotta love her. guess i do. (;
cheers, k(:
Thursday, January 13, 2005
renting freedom
i'm renting a car tomorrow.
let me explain. (;
so monday i found out that my trainee michael is going to be performing in bemidji this weekend. i email cari and rene and amanda, to let them know about it.
tuesday i get an email from amanda: "are you driving up too?"
wednesday i get an email from rene: "i have a sitter this weekend, it's a sign, drive up."
thursday i call cari on a whim: "i was *just* going to call you and badger you into driving up."
so i rented the car. i think i'll drive up saturday morning, but it'll depend on how late i get done tomorrow and how tired i am.
i also need to stop and see my sister in st cloud because we're trying to plan (long distance planning BITES) a party for my dad on feb 5th--it's his one year bypass birthday! yay dad! he's doing swimmingly, and both him and mom have lost a lot of weight. probably about a fifth-grader, between the pair.
anyway i'm tired, i have a shitload of laundry to do (which is currently annexing the upstair hallway, my apologies dan and eero...and shiva too, even tho she couldn't care less and probably would be willing to sleep and/or poop on said laundry. mainly sleep tho. LOL) and i really, really, really need to get some of the crap off the floor upstairs.
i'm excited to go. i just wish i had more time!!! i need at least another fifteen hours a week, just to keep up with everything that goes on in the world--i guess self-centeredly, my world, my friends, my life.
i need to get my priorities in order and just find a new car so i don't have to rent to travel. but i'm kind of apathetic about car shopping, right now. so i guess it will wait until the following weekend.
i'm also hoping (hint, hint to dan) that we can start his spygame soon. i'm jazzed to play. i have to admit i've been enjoying eero's game a great deal despite not liking the palladium system; i like my character (who likes to make things burn) and i like the story. (:
anyway now i really need to do something! (:
let me explain. (;
so monday i found out that my trainee michael is going to be performing in bemidji this weekend. i email cari and rene and amanda, to let them know about it.
tuesday i get an email from amanda: "are you driving up too?"
wednesday i get an email from rene: "i have a sitter this weekend, it's a sign, drive up."
thursday i call cari on a whim: "i was *just* going to call you and badger you into driving up."
so i rented the car. i think i'll drive up saturday morning, but it'll depend on how late i get done tomorrow and how tired i am.
i also need to stop and see my sister in st cloud because we're trying to plan (long distance planning BITES) a party for my dad on feb 5th--it's his one year bypass birthday! yay dad! he's doing swimmingly, and both him and mom have lost a lot of weight. probably about a fifth-grader, between the pair.
anyway i'm tired, i have a shitload of laundry to do (which is currently annexing the upstair hallway, my apologies dan and eero...and shiva too, even tho she couldn't care less and probably would be willing to sleep and/or poop on said laundry. mainly sleep tho. LOL) and i really, really, really need to get some of the crap off the floor upstairs.
i'm excited to go. i just wish i had more time!!! i need at least another fifteen hours a week, just to keep up with everything that goes on in the world--i guess self-centeredly, my world, my friends, my life.
i need to get my priorities in order and just find a new car so i don't have to rent to travel. but i'm kind of apathetic about car shopping, right now. so i guess it will wait until the following weekend.
i'm also hoping (hint, hint to dan) that we can start his spygame soon. i'm jazzed to play. i have to admit i've been enjoying eero's game a great deal despite not liking the palladium system; i like my character (who likes to make things burn) and i like the story. (:
anyway now i really need to do something! (:
Sunday, January 09, 2005
ah, the sound of football...
gently playing in the background, like muzak that starts in autumn and ends in a coliseum in january.
it's inevitable that sundays are taken over by football. television viewing migrates to jamaica and we get peyton manning and randy moss and chris berman, who could. go. all. the. way.
at least i've been with dan long enough to understand the basics--what's a tackle and what's a sack, the fine line between first down and fourth. the touchback. etc.
i couldn't watch a game on my own and get the same joy out of it that dan does, because half the fun of watching football is seeing dan go nuts when there's a touchdown, or play sofa-ref alongside the striped guys onscreen. watching football, just me, myself and i, is somewhat silly, in my mind.
perhaps it's how i was raised. sunday football games were for dad and some guys from the neighborhood. the smell of sour cream and onion dip, potato chips, crisp grain belt beer in cans. we always asked for a sip, and then ran away making faces after the nastiness that was beer made our mouths rebel.
course now i type this having watched football yesterday, beer in hand. strange how eternal life is, in its own circle.
i've been so focused lately on my own mortality, on when the end will happen, for my own life. and then i think about history, how many people have lived and died and lived again, through their children, their contributions to humanity in books and movies and music and thought. i see kids in the world and i think about how, fifteen years from now, they'll be in my shoes, seeing the world through glasses tinted with time--how much time is left? how much? can i forget, day to day, that eventually this whole existence of mine will be for naught, that someday i'll be gone?
it doesn't bother me. i'm not scared of dying. it's the inevitability of it--there's nothing i can do, nothing i can say to avoid it. that part's not scary. it's the thought that i'm not giving anything to the earth at large, nothing of substance.
but if spirit is substance, if your soul has weight, then i give willingly.
i think of christian ideals, of christ saying "take of this body" and as i age understanding that it's not the body he was giving, but the idea of his spirit. or at least that's my take on it. doesn't make me christian any more than agreeing with my uncle makes me a member of the nra; just makes me realize that it's all interconnected. reminds me of the fates, sitting at the loom, weaving lives together, tying them off in neat knots.
behind me the annual festival of men in tight pants chasing dyed pigskin continues, the announcers debate and the commercials ensue, asking me to consider different car insurance while i'm on the planet. it's like my own version of continuation, at this exact moment. it'd go on with or without me, football. the nfl keeps turning. the football in the sky. etcetera.
my existentialist needs to shower. ta-ta, ya'll.
it's inevitable that sundays are taken over by football. television viewing migrates to jamaica and we get peyton manning and randy moss and chris berman, who could. go. all. the. way.
at least i've been with dan long enough to understand the basics--what's a tackle and what's a sack, the fine line between first down and fourth. the touchback. etc.
i couldn't watch a game on my own and get the same joy out of it that dan does, because half the fun of watching football is seeing dan go nuts when there's a touchdown, or play sofa-ref alongside the striped guys onscreen. watching football, just me, myself and i, is somewhat silly, in my mind.
perhaps it's how i was raised. sunday football games were for dad and some guys from the neighborhood. the smell of sour cream and onion dip, potato chips, crisp grain belt beer in cans. we always asked for a sip, and then ran away making faces after the nastiness that was beer made our mouths rebel.
course now i type this having watched football yesterday, beer in hand. strange how eternal life is, in its own circle.
i've been so focused lately on my own mortality, on when the end will happen, for my own life. and then i think about history, how many people have lived and died and lived again, through their children, their contributions to humanity in books and movies and music and thought. i see kids in the world and i think about how, fifteen years from now, they'll be in my shoes, seeing the world through glasses tinted with time--how much time is left? how much? can i forget, day to day, that eventually this whole existence of mine will be for naught, that someday i'll be gone?
it doesn't bother me. i'm not scared of dying. it's the inevitability of it--there's nothing i can do, nothing i can say to avoid it. that part's not scary. it's the thought that i'm not giving anything to the earth at large, nothing of substance.
but if spirit is substance, if your soul has weight, then i give willingly.
i think of christian ideals, of christ saying "take of this body" and as i age understanding that it's not the body he was giving, but the idea of his spirit. or at least that's my take on it. doesn't make me christian any more than agreeing with my uncle makes me a member of the nra; just makes me realize that it's all interconnected. reminds me of the fates, sitting at the loom, weaving lives together, tying them off in neat knots.
behind me the annual festival of men in tight pants chasing dyed pigskin continues, the announcers debate and the commercials ensue, asking me to consider different car insurance while i'm on the planet. it's like my own version of continuation, at this exact moment. it'd go on with or without me, football. the nfl keeps turning. the football in the sky. etcetera.
my existentialist needs to shower. ta-ta, ya'll.
Saturday, January 08, 2005
the to-do list that stretches into oblivion
i'm not even going to make one this weekend. i give up. there's too much to do.
and i'm too bushed to do it.
last night i got home, under the impression that i'd be doing one of two things--hitting the laundromat w/ dan and then partaking of my new fave wine, a rosemount shiraz, that's just divine and would take me off-planet after drinking it, or heading down to lakeville for some italian telly with tangee and nicole. however...i got home and we'd been invited to d and c's for gaming.
hadn't been in a while so saddled up the ol' dice and headed over.
now, i love d and c immensely. they're some of the most generous people i know, and some of the most caring, too. but i was sooooooooooooo bored last night that i thought i was going to nap leaning up against the stereo speaker. the concept of the game was fun--you're zero level, you have a profession before you become an actual character class--ie, i started out as a seamstress but am on my way to becoming a rogue and something like a spy. however...the downfall to this is that if i stay in character, it makes it nearly impossible for me to advance into another class. why would a seamstress actually get involved with a group of theives when she's lived a perfectly respectable life till now? d wasn't helping much, in the six hours of gaming i gathered a little gossip and then kind of got forced onto a ship, and then became a seamstress on another island, government employed.
i'm just waiting for dan's spygame, which he's hoping to start soon-ish. he was thinking next friday but i kind of put the kaibash on that due to next friday being the sg-1 season premiere, and be damned if i'm missing that!!!
so we got home at around 230, in bed by 3, and then at 808 i wake up. wide awake. whole day stretching before me. in my head i'm thinking of all the stuff i have to do, and i can't see the end of the list.
nor do i want to. it might be kind of amusing to get up one day and having nothing to do, but i doubt it'll happen anytime soon. i guess life is just one long laundry list of complaints, things to do, and joys. so a quick jot shows me this:
clean up kitchen
take out garbage
look at the snowflakes
take a nap
read my book
relax
clean out the upstairs bedroom
and the garage
and then run to thrift store and drop extraneous crap off.
sleep, eat, repeat. oblivion.
and i'm too bushed to do it.
last night i got home, under the impression that i'd be doing one of two things--hitting the laundromat w/ dan and then partaking of my new fave wine, a rosemount shiraz, that's just divine and would take me off-planet after drinking it, or heading down to lakeville for some italian telly with tangee and nicole. however...i got home and we'd been invited to d and c's for gaming.
hadn't been in a while so saddled up the ol' dice and headed over.
now, i love d and c immensely. they're some of the most generous people i know, and some of the most caring, too. but i was sooooooooooooo bored last night that i thought i was going to nap leaning up against the stereo speaker. the concept of the game was fun--you're zero level, you have a profession before you become an actual character class--ie, i started out as a seamstress but am on my way to becoming a rogue and something like a spy. however...the downfall to this is that if i stay in character, it makes it nearly impossible for me to advance into another class. why would a seamstress actually get involved with a group of theives when she's lived a perfectly respectable life till now? d wasn't helping much, in the six hours of gaming i gathered a little gossip and then kind of got forced onto a ship, and then became a seamstress on another island, government employed.
i'm just waiting for dan's spygame, which he's hoping to start soon-ish. he was thinking next friday but i kind of put the kaibash on that due to next friday being the sg-1 season premiere, and be damned if i'm missing that!!!
so we got home at around 230, in bed by 3, and then at 808 i wake up. wide awake. whole day stretching before me. in my head i'm thinking of all the stuff i have to do, and i can't see the end of the list.
nor do i want to. it might be kind of amusing to get up one day and having nothing to do, but i doubt it'll happen anytime soon. i guess life is just one long laundry list of complaints, things to do, and joys. so a quick jot shows me this:
clean up kitchen
take out garbage
look at the snowflakes
take a nap
read my book
relax
clean out the upstairs bedroom
and the garage
and then run to thrift store and drop extraneous crap off.
sleep, eat, repeat. oblivion.
Friday, January 07, 2005
music in my mind
i keep thinking of that line from i think a sarah mclachlan song, "i'm so tired, but i just can't sleep, standing on the edge of something way too deep. funny how you feel so much, you cannot say a word, yes you are standing in silence...you can't be heard."
or at least that's the way *i* hear it. i'm sure it's quite different, but due to the warping inflicted by my one good ear, that's what i hear.
coincidentally, that's also what i'm feeling. think it sums up the week juuuuuuuuuust fine.
now that the back hallway reclamation is well under way, and it looks like we'll get a free professional carpet cleaning out of the situation to boot, life is looking up. dan found a job. it snowed and is pretty outside. i have the chance to do my laundry tonight. found a good new author (jane feather, but it's all romance novels. however they're quite forward thinking, exceedingly well written, and have characters that i just adore--feminists in the early 1900s who have some real spunk. did i just use that word? ugh, to what has my degree come? LOL)
and it's friday, which is a nod that i've made it through another week of year end.
additionally, at work, we were given our vacation calendars for next year, and my supe let me carry over all the vacation i didn't use last year, which means i can take off about a month and a few days instead of just my normal two weeks. not sure when but that vacation is MINE. i don't honestly care if i just sit around and watch my carpet moulder, i'm taking a week off. asap. in february or march. sooner than later.
and i'm going to find a new car posthaste, so that i can drive around not in fear of things falling off, and find a fricking different job.
this week's work crap-i-sode was compounded by the fact that most of the office, being female, was pms-ing at the same time, myself being no exception. all week long i've been starving, angry, hungry, irate, and on tuesday night, weepy. finally yesterday i got to add crampy to that list. days when i long for a dick.
yeah, sounds cheesy, but if you were curled around a heating pad for an hour and had to take a handful of advil to stop the pain (when one or two usually knock you out completely) you'd be singing the same song i am. in fact, if you're a woman, you might be humming along right now.
sorry to be a bit brash but it's been a long week.
monday and tuesday we were short two and three people, respectively. wednesday and through next monday we'll be short another one. it's year end, so it's very busy, and all my calls are cranky-ass people. if they're not cranky when you start the call, by the time you're done and have told them that because they are stooooooooooooooopid and didn't fix someone's social security number last year, oh, say in may when the employee was hired, it's going to cost them about 105 clamshells to adjust and get all new w2s, they get pissy. i actually had one woman berate the company at large for being "efficient." huh? beg pardon?
so anyway, the reps in my department have all been coming in early and staying late. and on wednesday morning we come in to an email from our supervisor (the same one who rolled my vacation over so nicely...can you say: passive aggressive?) saying that our service level has been abysmal and our region basically sucks with a capital S.
i don't think there was anyone in the department who wasn't pissed.
it wasn't "i can see you're all working very hard, and i thank you for your efforts, but we need to address a few issues." nope. nothing like that. just this diatribe about how maybe we hadn't noticed the reader board (tells us how many calls we've taken, and what our service level percentage is for the day) is telling us daily that we just bite.
apparently he felt he hired some illiterate people because he didn't need to point out our service level--we can all see the reader boards ourselves, and while i can be distracted by shiny bright lights, i can see that the shiny bright lights last week were in the shape of a 39 percent. not so hot. i don't need to have it pointed out for me. i already feel crappy and overworked. to be ambushed and acutally TOLD that we're sucking donkey weiner, that was a new low.
so yesterday we were supposed to have meetings with him. which he changed to one-on-one meetings, which for me are death because i clam up and don't want to say the things i might say in a group meeting, where i feel a little more anonymous. (no, they don't bring bags for your head to the meeting. it's just power in numbers type of thing. might just be me. LOL) so i have mine and i think one other person has theirs, and that's all. i don't know if there will be more today or not. i honestly don't care. right now i just want out.
i did get to have cocktails last night with two of my gf's from work, and that helped soothe the savage worker for a while. one of them pointed out that she figured he broke it out into one-on-ones because if he went with large groups he'd be lynched.
to which we all fully agreed would have been the case.
i'm sure that someone pissed on his tuesday, and that's why we got pissed on the next day, but if you're a manager, you want to INSPIRE your employees to reach their full potential, not beat them into submission. have you heard those milk commercials? "happy cows give good milk." happy employees give good work. whooooooooooooooooooa nelly, foreign concept! to the death chair with this possibly excellent and helpful idea! ZAP!
we've all been comparing work to some type of death camp, but lately, the attitude of my superior has gotten to the point at which i'm thinking about leaving because i don't like the feeling of not knowing where i stand--of being hit with one hand while the other gives me vacation days, softens me up with kindness.
it feels vaguely abusive.
hence the music in my head. tired. can't sleep. have all this shit to say, and can't say it to the people who need to hear it. so instead ya'll get me cranky, crampy and confounded onblog. sorry, and again...it's friday. as both my sister and my cari say, sometimes you need to drink a bottle of wine to put the world back where it belongs. i'm up to that task. (;
or at least that's the way *i* hear it. i'm sure it's quite different, but due to the warping inflicted by my one good ear, that's what i hear.
coincidentally, that's also what i'm feeling. think it sums up the week juuuuuuuuuust fine.
now that the back hallway reclamation is well under way, and it looks like we'll get a free professional carpet cleaning out of the situation to boot, life is looking up. dan found a job. it snowed and is pretty outside. i have the chance to do my laundry tonight. found a good new author (jane feather, but it's all romance novels. however they're quite forward thinking, exceedingly well written, and have characters that i just adore--feminists in the early 1900s who have some real spunk. did i just use that word? ugh, to what has my degree come? LOL)
and it's friday, which is a nod that i've made it through another week of year end.
additionally, at work, we were given our vacation calendars for next year, and my supe let me carry over all the vacation i didn't use last year, which means i can take off about a month and a few days instead of just my normal two weeks. not sure when but that vacation is MINE. i don't honestly care if i just sit around and watch my carpet moulder, i'm taking a week off. asap. in february or march. sooner than later.
and i'm going to find a new car posthaste, so that i can drive around not in fear of things falling off, and find a fricking different job.
this week's work crap-i-sode was compounded by the fact that most of the office, being female, was pms-ing at the same time, myself being no exception. all week long i've been starving, angry, hungry, irate, and on tuesday night, weepy. finally yesterday i got to add crampy to that list. days when i long for a dick.
yeah, sounds cheesy, but if you were curled around a heating pad for an hour and had to take a handful of advil to stop the pain (when one or two usually knock you out completely) you'd be singing the same song i am. in fact, if you're a woman, you might be humming along right now.
sorry to be a bit brash but it's been a long week.
monday and tuesday we were short two and three people, respectively. wednesday and through next monday we'll be short another one. it's year end, so it's very busy, and all my calls are cranky-ass people. if they're not cranky when you start the call, by the time you're done and have told them that because they are stooooooooooooooopid and didn't fix someone's social security number last year, oh, say in may when the employee was hired, it's going to cost them about 105 clamshells to adjust and get all new w2s, they get pissy. i actually had one woman berate the company at large for being "efficient." huh? beg pardon?
so anyway, the reps in my department have all been coming in early and staying late. and on wednesday morning we come in to an email from our supervisor (the same one who rolled my vacation over so nicely...can you say: passive aggressive?) saying that our service level has been abysmal and our region basically sucks with a capital S.
i don't think there was anyone in the department who wasn't pissed.
it wasn't "i can see you're all working very hard, and i thank you for your efforts, but we need to address a few issues." nope. nothing like that. just this diatribe about how maybe we hadn't noticed the reader board (tells us how many calls we've taken, and what our service level percentage is for the day) is telling us daily that we just bite.
apparently he felt he hired some illiterate people because he didn't need to point out our service level--we can all see the reader boards ourselves, and while i can be distracted by shiny bright lights, i can see that the shiny bright lights last week were in the shape of a 39 percent. not so hot. i don't need to have it pointed out for me. i already feel crappy and overworked. to be ambushed and acutally TOLD that we're sucking donkey weiner, that was a new low.
so yesterday we were supposed to have meetings with him. which he changed to one-on-one meetings, which for me are death because i clam up and don't want to say the things i might say in a group meeting, where i feel a little more anonymous. (no, they don't bring bags for your head to the meeting. it's just power in numbers type of thing. might just be me. LOL) so i have mine and i think one other person has theirs, and that's all. i don't know if there will be more today or not. i honestly don't care. right now i just want out.
i did get to have cocktails last night with two of my gf's from work, and that helped soothe the savage worker for a while. one of them pointed out that she figured he broke it out into one-on-ones because if he went with large groups he'd be lynched.
to which we all fully agreed would have been the case.
i'm sure that someone pissed on his tuesday, and that's why we got pissed on the next day, but if you're a manager, you want to INSPIRE your employees to reach their full potential, not beat them into submission. have you heard those milk commercials? "happy cows give good milk." happy employees give good work. whooooooooooooooooooa nelly, foreign concept! to the death chair with this possibly excellent and helpful idea! ZAP!
we've all been comparing work to some type of death camp, but lately, the attitude of my superior has gotten to the point at which i'm thinking about leaving because i don't like the feeling of not knowing where i stand--of being hit with one hand while the other gives me vacation days, softens me up with kindness.
it feels vaguely abusive.
hence the music in my head. tired. can't sleep. have all this shit to say, and can't say it to the people who need to hear it. so instead ya'll get me cranky, crampy and confounded onblog. sorry, and again...it's friday. as both my sister and my cari say, sometimes you need to drink a bottle of wine to put the world back where it belongs. i'm up to that task. (;
Saturday, January 01, 2005
this could be long...
but it won't be.
i just wanted to post quickly before i get up and get going today--i feel very lucky indeed to live in a world where we draw lines and borders, but are happy to overlook them when it concerns humans in general.
i just wanted to post quickly before i get up and get going today--i feel very lucky indeed to live in a world where we draw lines and borders, but are happy to overlook them when it concerns humans in general.
Friday, December 31, 2004
it's not the size of the tsunami...
it's the size of the fight in the tsunami.
i guess i'll always remember the end of 2004 for a few things--good things like family and friends--but also big things, like the tsunami overseas. literally.
and the tsunami in our downstairs hallway this morning.
at 556 i woke up, realized that dan and i were laying there and had just heard or felt a large boom. we both thought immediately that it was an intruder, and dan found a dowel rod from the upstairs mess room, hefted it and headed downstairs. halfway down he stopped, got a strange look on his face, and just walked the rest of the way.
downstairs the back hallway was full of water; he slid the door open and water just shot out of the water heater. the spigot at the bottom was completely busted out, and he couldn't get the valve at the top turned off, so it just kept spouting and then trying to refill itself.
i called the emergency maintenance number and the guy talked dan through shutting the water off for our whole building. about 45 minutes later an angel of mercy by the name of ken the handyman arrived and lent some assistance...with a whole new water heater. it took about two hours, one wet-dry vac, and a dryer for the carpet in the back hall, and we're drying. slowly.
also, we have water again, and better yet, so does the rest of the building.
the bonus here is that because we're still renting, we didn't have to pay double time and a half for ken the angel of mercy to spend 2 hours soldering and cursing at the pipes in the back hallway, and we didn't have to pay for a new water heater, and we won't have to pay to have the carpeting fixed and shampooed. the other good part is we got the living room pretty much cleaned up, kitchen and bathrooms, and the back hall floor has NEVER been so clean. (;
the down side is that i'm kinda tired...but that's easily remedied.
no federal aid required, no UN walk through, no presidential helicopter tour. sean penn will not be mucking about offering assistance in the garage (which has become a bit of a holding cell for sopping rugs and christmas stuff that needed to be evacuated.)
no where near what the people affected in the south seas by the Real Tsunami are suffering, and recovering. this effort will be miniscule in comparison.
but it's strange how i can think about these things--the Big Wave and the Little Spouty Wave in my Back Hallway--how things happen in your life that take precedence over cnn and the video of bags of rice being unloaded. it's like a call from life, a reminder that the big and terrible stuff in the world can be mirrored in the small and relatively annoying stuff.
it makes me...well, thankful.
i guess i'll always remember the end of 2004 for a few things--good things like family and friends--but also big things, like the tsunami overseas. literally.
and the tsunami in our downstairs hallway this morning.
at 556 i woke up, realized that dan and i were laying there and had just heard or felt a large boom. we both thought immediately that it was an intruder, and dan found a dowel rod from the upstairs mess room, hefted it and headed downstairs. halfway down he stopped, got a strange look on his face, and just walked the rest of the way.
downstairs the back hallway was full of water; he slid the door open and water just shot out of the water heater. the spigot at the bottom was completely busted out, and he couldn't get the valve at the top turned off, so it just kept spouting and then trying to refill itself.
i called the emergency maintenance number and the guy talked dan through shutting the water off for our whole building. about 45 minutes later an angel of mercy by the name of ken the handyman arrived and lent some assistance...with a whole new water heater. it took about two hours, one wet-dry vac, and a dryer for the carpet in the back hall, and we're drying. slowly.
also, we have water again, and better yet, so does the rest of the building.
the bonus here is that because we're still renting, we didn't have to pay double time and a half for ken the angel of mercy to spend 2 hours soldering and cursing at the pipes in the back hallway, and we didn't have to pay for a new water heater, and we won't have to pay to have the carpeting fixed and shampooed. the other good part is we got the living room pretty much cleaned up, kitchen and bathrooms, and the back hall floor has NEVER been so clean. (;
the down side is that i'm kinda tired...but that's easily remedied.
no federal aid required, no UN walk through, no presidential helicopter tour. sean penn will not be mucking about offering assistance in the garage (which has become a bit of a holding cell for sopping rugs and christmas stuff that needed to be evacuated.)
no where near what the people affected in the south seas by the Real Tsunami are suffering, and recovering. this effort will be miniscule in comparison.
but it's strange how i can think about these things--the Big Wave and the Little Spouty Wave in my Back Hallway--how things happen in your life that take precedence over cnn and the video of bags of rice being unloaded. it's like a call from life, a reminder that the big and terrible stuff in the world can be mirrored in the small and relatively annoying stuff.
it makes me...well, thankful.
Sunday, December 26, 2004
home
they say home is where the heart is. home is where you lay your head. home is where they have to love you. blah blah blah. i'm just glad to be where my BED is, right now. (;
christmas was good. glad it's over, but good. thursday we ran to st cloud, friday back to burnsville, then sat over to eau claire. which was actually quite nice, aside from the fact that we haven't spent much time with jen, matt and the boys, and i had no idea of how dirty their house was going to be. there were four kids all at the same time when i was little, and our house was NEVER so nasty. the carpeting is ruined, the kids are kinda scrubby, and i feel like i have a layer of ick all over me. i have to do some laundry tonight so i guess it's not a bad thing, entirely, but it's the thought that counts. i just cannot imagine living like that, not caring about my surroundings to that extent, and especially not caring about my children enough to care about their habitat, so to speak.
at the same time, there was good that came of that visit; once again, dan's mom was normal. it's strange because for so long she wasn't. but i often wonder if that was just a matter of relationships clashing, as dan and his mom are both very stubborn, very opinionated, and very headstrong people; perhaps the issue was deflated a bit when he moved out and she didn't have that source of emotional boom.
it was also quite nice to see the boys; caleb in particular looks like a dishwater blond and blue eyed version of dan when he was little, right down to the serious mouth. both boys have echoes of that haugen bull-headed-ness. i guess it might be hereditary. (;
another nice thing was that we barely listened to the radio at all during all the car rides; just too busy chatting and discussing and talking. quite refreshing, for a change, from dan asking for a cd and popping it in, cursing when the cd player doesn't work because batteries are missing, and then has to search on his side of the car (because they're not on my side) for replacement batteries. i'm glad that after twelve years we still have things to talk about. course half of the journey was spent on the issue of: if you could have your own vanity plates, what would they say?
my response was B!TCH, and dan just said that he didn't think he would ever have vanity plates and therefore couldn't come up with anything on the spot. i'm still waiting for him to formulate an answer. LOL
another good thing is that i got my online book ladies addicted to julia quinn. always a wonderful, wonderful addiction, books are.
i now need to get up the gumption to get to the natural foods store for comfrey and a bit more lavender, and then down to the walmart (insert shudder here) in apple valley to see if they have half pint kerr jars. (i'm making bath salts for the girls at work and ran out of jars...and of course now every walmart i've hit so far doesn't have them!!! how can there be only one twelve pack of half pint kerr glass jars in the twin cities? and how come i am the only person to find that one last pack? and how come i can't count and think well enough ahead to know that i'd need more than just a dozen? *sigh*)
we were invited over to darin and cathy's tonight for gaming but i just want to shower and watch a movie. this week is going to be draining, and i really need to recharge. perhaps i can scrounge up a few quarters so i can do some laundry here...that would rock...cause i'm sleepy and i'm home, where the bed is.
christmas was good. glad it's over, but good. thursday we ran to st cloud, friday back to burnsville, then sat over to eau claire. which was actually quite nice, aside from the fact that we haven't spent much time with jen, matt and the boys, and i had no idea of how dirty their house was going to be. there were four kids all at the same time when i was little, and our house was NEVER so nasty. the carpeting is ruined, the kids are kinda scrubby, and i feel like i have a layer of ick all over me. i have to do some laundry tonight so i guess it's not a bad thing, entirely, but it's the thought that counts. i just cannot imagine living like that, not caring about my surroundings to that extent, and especially not caring about my children enough to care about their habitat, so to speak.
at the same time, there was good that came of that visit; once again, dan's mom was normal. it's strange because for so long she wasn't. but i often wonder if that was just a matter of relationships clashing, as dan and his mom are both very stubborn, very opinionated, and very headstrong people; perhaps the issue was deflated a bit when he moved out and she didn't have that source of emotional boom.
it was also quite nice to see the boys; caleb in particular looks like a dishwater blond and blue eyed version of dan when he was little, right down to the serious mouth. both boys have echoes of that haugen bull-headed-ness. i guess it might be hereditary. (;
another nice thing was that we barely listened to the radio at all during all the car rides; just too busy chatting and discussing and talking. quite refreshing, for a change, from dan asking for a cd and popping it in, cursing when the cd player doesn't work because batteries are missing, and then has to search on his side of the car (because they're not on my side) for replacement batteries. i'm glad that after twelve years we still have things to talk about. course half of the journey was spent on the issue of: if you could have your own vanity plates, what would they say?
my response was B!TCH, and dan just said that he didn't think he would ever have vanity plates and therefore couldn't come up with anything on the spot. i'm still waiting for him to formulate an answer. LOL
another good thing is that i got my online book ladies addicted to julia quinn. always a wonderful, wonderful addiction, books are.
i now need to get up the gumption to get to the natural foods store for comfrey and a bit more lavender, and then down to the walmart (insert shudder here) in apple valley to see if they have half pint kerr jars. (i'm making bath salts for the girls at work and ran out of jars...and of course now every walmart i've hit so far doesn't have them!!! how can there be only one twelve pack of half pint kerr glass jars in the twin cities? and how come i am the only person to find that one last pack? and how come i can't count and think well enough ahead to know that i'd need more than just a dozen? *sigh*)
we were invited over to darin and cathy's tonight for gaming but i just want to shower and watch a movie. this week is going to be draining, and i really need to recharge. perhaps i can scrounge up a few quarters so i can do some laundry here...that would rock...cause i'm sleepy and i'm home, where the bed is.
Friday, December 24, 2004
gift
wednesday morning, en route to work, i opened my first gift...little early. you could call me greedy, i supppose but it was freely given--good songs on the radio, sundogs that encompassed the sun, frost gilding trees, and those five geese, defying gravity overhead. i smiled the whole way to work.
it was a nice feeling, the generosity of the world. some days i think that the planet's really got it out for me--monday in particular, when my six mile drive took 2 hours because of ice on the roads and forty-five minutes into the drive i realized, as i was finally getting onto the highway, that i had to pee like a racehorse--but for the most part, it's just nature. the ice would happen with or without me, if i was driving or walking or rollerskating to work. (god forbid, let me tell you what...the rollerskating bit, okay?)
anyway it's that divine conglomeration of so many things--the music, the view, car running smoothly. all contributed to an absolute feeling of joy.
i felt like someone sat down the day before and planned out the morning, just so that there was no way i could arrive at work in a bad mood. impossible, what with the singing and the gazing and the speeding. (let's be honest, i was going a bit over the limit...but the state patrol officer was on the other side of the bridge, behind me, already occupied with someone else who'd apparently been similarly influenced...)
today i'm at my parents' house. but just for the day. tonight we drive home, and then tomorrow morning over to eau claire. it'll be nice to spend time with dan's family--everyone together again--but at the same time, it's going to be tiring, and stressful. nothing can make up for that walking-on-eggshells feeling i often get around his mom--it's just automatic, like the sun coming up this morning. i'm trying to adjust by wearing thicker glasses, donning thicker skin, and trying to avoid confrontation. which is something that i've done all my life, so it shouldn't feel like a muscle strain, right? (;
so wednesday morning, thank you. thank you for being lovely without trying, and thank you to the radio people for playing songs that make me shout along in an off-key and quite karoke style. thank you for your artless gift of life, and thank you to whatever divine prescence opened my eyes at that moment and bluntly informed me that i needed to see the beauty.
thank you to all my friends too--who sent cards and called--i will try to keep up but i'm feeling a bit defeatist right now...too much to do, not enough hands to do it, and certainly not enough time LOL. thank you to eero for the barnes and noble certificate, and thank you to dan for shaun of the dead--i have a feeling we'll be watching that today, and laughing just as we did in the theatre. also it has outtakes! brilliant!
off to see if i can help mom out in the kitchen at all--sounds like potica is being made and this will require my non-expert use of a rolling pin. (;
cheers all--i hope your holy days are filled with joy--k(:
it was a nice feeling, the generosity of the world. some days i think that the planet's really got it out for me--monday in particular, when my six mile drive took 2 hours because of ice on the roads and forty-five minutes into the drive i realized, as i was finally getting onto the highway, that i had to pee like a racehorse--but for the most part, it's just nature. the ice would happen with or without me, if i was driving or walking or rollerskating to work. (god forbid, let me tell you what...the rollerskating bit, okay?)
anyway it's that divine conglomeration of so many things--the music, the view, car running smoothly. all contributed to an absolute feeling of joy.
i felt like someone sat down the day before and planned out the morning, just so that there was no way i could arrive at work in a bad mood. impossible, what with the singing and the gazing and the speeding. (let's be honest, i was going a bit over the limit...but the state patrol officer was on the other side of the bridge, behind me, already occupied with someone else who'd apparently been similarly influenced...)
today i'm at my parents' house. but just for the day. tonight we drive home, and then tomorrow morning over to eau claire. it'll be nice to spend time with dan's family--everyone together again--but at the same time, it's going to be tiring, and stressful. nothing can make up for that walking-on-eggshells feeling i often get around his mom--it's just automatic, like the sun coming up this morning. i'm trying to adjust by wearing thicker glasses, donning thicker skin, and trying to avoid confrontation. which is something that i've done all my life, so it shouldn't feel like a muscle strain, right? (;
so wednesday morning, thank you. thank you for being lovely without trying, and thank you to the radio people for playing songs that make me shout along in an off-key and quite karoke style. thank you for your artless gift of life, and thank you to whatever divine prescence opened my eyes at that moment and bluntly informed me that i needed to see the beauty.
thank you to all my friends too--who sent cards and called--i will try to keep up but i'm feeling a bit defeatist right now...too much to do, not enough hands to do it, and certainly not enough time LOL. thank you to eero for the barnes and noble certificate, and thank you to dan for shaun of the dead--i have a feeling we'll be watching that today, and laughing just as we did in the theatre. also it has outtakes! brilliant!
off to see if i can help mom out in the kitchen at all--sounds like potica is being made and this will require my non-expert use of a rolling pin. (;
cheers all--i hope your holy days are filled with joy--k(:
Sunday, December 19, 2004
let's do the time warp again...
i long for the days, when i was a kid, that just draaaaaaaaaaaagged out into oblivion. i long for them with my whole soul. i don't know when it happened, but suddenly time is flashing past me, staggeringly fast. it's like spinning in a circle--and then you stop, and you're not where you started out at all any longer.
that's how this weekend went. it feels like i should just be getting ready to head up to my sister's for the drive to st cloud, and now i'm home and it's time to go to work tomorrow. *sigh*
we did NO scrapbooking at all this weekend. it was kind of sad, really, as we'd all been looking forward to this for ages now. but at the same time, it was kind of nothing new, par for the course, for what actually happened.
got there friday, sat around. saturday sbw and i watched vh1 for a few hours and then crawled through the shower and became demi-human, and then beth showed up...and then david...so we sat around chewing the fat with mom. dad got home from work and we had dinner, and then beth and sbw and i went out w/ beth's friend to play music trivia. (which was awful, i suck at music lyrics BECAUSE I CAN'T HEAR A BLOODY THING. hee hee hee) got home and watched the bourne supremacy w/ sbw, and then went to sleep. today we were supposed to leave at noon but that got pushed back because mom cooked, and you just don't skip dinner w/ the family. it's unthinkable. LOL
it was good to go home. it's always good to go home. i have sooooooooo much fun with my family--we're all sarcastic and i always leave the house feeling like i've done about 300 situps, due to the laughter. this weekend was kind of the usual mix of hysterical giggling and somber thinking--dad's salary got cut by 16%, which really, really, really sucks. i know that they'll get by, and i know they'll be fine, because my parents are not big spenders. but it kills a little part of me to know that anyone can treat anyone else like this. basically what it comes down to is that the company is trying to force the guys who are over the age of 50 into early retirement.
which would be fine, in dad's case, except for the fact that they're not ready to retire yet. for so many years they didn't have the cash to put aside because they had 4 kids--and now that they're able to put money aside, they're being cut back. i guess their original figure was for dad to retire at 65, but now they're just praying he can hold out until he's 62, or even 60, and then sell the house and downsize a great deal. dad's afraid he won't find another job if he leaves, and he has the same painfully loyal attitude that seems to be singular to my family. (ie, remain in job that lacerates your soul because you a) don't feel worth more and b) don't want to let anyone down, even tho the company is getting the good end of the screw and you're not.)
so yeah. it's always like this--the sweet and the sour, the good with the bad. but i have a firm belief in that very christian saying that when god shuts a door, she opens a window. it might seem a bit bleak and depressing, especially at this spirited time of year, but perhaps longnight this year will be another sort of rebirth.
it's dark early, now. the sun goes down at an hour that, during summer, your day is still long. but the longest night is just next tuesday, and then it's all shorter and shorter from there on out, until next year. waxing and waning. i'm a bit maudlin right now, perhaps i ought to forage for food and raise up the old blood sugar, but i'm the first to admit i'm easily distracted and the computer was a bright shiny object nowhere near the kitchen.
cheers (:
that's how this weekend went. it feels like i should just be getting ready to head up to my sister's for the drive to st cloud, and now i'm home and it's time to go to work tomorrow. *sigh*
we did NO scrapbooking at all this weekend. it was kind of sad, really, as we'd all been looking forward to this for ages now. but at the same time, it was kind of nothing new, par for the course, for what actually happened.
got there friday, sat around. saturday sbw and i watched vh1 for a few hours and then crawled through the shower and became demi-human, and then beth showed up...and then david...so we sat around chewing the fat with mom. dad got home from work and we had dinner, and then beth and sbw and i went out w/ beth's friend to play music trivia. (which was awful, i suck at music lyrics BECAUSE I CAN'T HEAR A BLOODY THING. hee hee hee) got home and watched the bourne supremacy w/ sbw, and then went to sleep. today we were supposed to leave at noon but that got pushed back because mom cooked, and you just don't skip dinner w/ the family. it's unthinkable. LOL
it was good to go home. it's always good to go home. i have sooooooooo much fun with my family--we're all sarcastic and i always leave the house feeling like i've done about 300 situps, due to the laughter. this weekend was kind of the usual mix of hysterical giggling and somber thinking--dad's salary got cut by 16%, which really, really, really sucks. i know that they'll get by, and i know they'll be fine, because my parents are not big spenders. but it kills a little part of me to know that anyone can treat anyone else like this. basically what it comes down to is that the company is trying to force the guys who are over the age of 50 into early retirement.
which would be fine, in dad's case, except for the fact that they're not ready to retire yet. for so many years they didn't have the cash to put aside because they had 4 kids--and now that they're able to put money aside, they're being cut back. i guess their original figure was for dad to retire at 65, but now they're just praying he can hold out until he's 62, or even 60, and then sell the house and downsize a great deal. dad's afraid he won't find another job if he leaves, and he has the same painfully loyal attitude that seems to be singular to my family. (ie, remain in job that lacerates your soul because you a) don't feel worth more and b) don't want to let anyone down, even tho the company is getting the good end of the screw and you're not.)
so yeah. it's always like this--the sweet and the sour, the good with the bad. but i have a firm belief in that very christian saying that when god shuts a door, she opens a window. it might seem a bit bleak and depressing, especially at this spirited time of year, but perhaps longnight this year will be another sort of rebirth.
it's dark early, now. the sun goes down at an hour that, during summer, your day is still long. but the longest night is just next tuesday, and then it's all shorter and shorter from there on out, until next year. waxing and waning. i'm a bit maudlin right now, perhaps i ought to forage for food and raise up the old blood sugar, but i'm the first to admit i'm easily distracted and the computer was a bright shiny object nowhere near the kitchen.
cheers (:
Friday, December 17, 2004
friday morning
which i'm sure ya'll will surmise by the date on the blog. LOL
so this morning i woke up early with the intention of getting a load of laundry done prior to heading out to work. only to discover that i have no quarters. *sigh* which kind of makes laundry impossible. *sigh again.*
on the flip side, i need to pack because i get to go to my parents' tonight, tomorrow and for a bit of sunday (depending on when my sister picks me up) for girlie weekend and scrapbooking; it's our birthday gift to my mom, as we couldn't be there for her birthday. i still haven't found a car, so i'll be housebound when i'm there, mainly because i can't borrow my sister's car (it's a stick. :P and so far our lessons have only progressed to "how to get into first gear" LOL) hopefully after i get a new car i'll be able to drive up and actually SEE you, sara!!! that would be enormously fun. (: (: (: i think i'll be doing a lot of belated visiting after the new car issue is surpassed. (:
*sigh* and it's friday. just thinking about work right now makes me want to run screaming from my house, preferably naked, as that might give me more jail-time than if i just ran clothed from the house. management is from another planet, i have been now totally convinced, where i was just on the path to enlightenment before yesterday. i've got overtime that they want me to use up. today would be the day i have to use it up. i have two meetings scheduled AT THE SAME TIME at 915, both ok'd by the same person, and then we have two people leaving early (noonish) to go have various medical procedures. and then more meetings this afternoon. to top that off, i'm unable to leave early as my shift ends at 530 and since i'm the most tenured person until that time, i cannot be let off early. *sigh, for the third time in one blog. garg!*
i just don't get it.
the feeling of wanting more out of work is dichotymous with another feeling i experienced yesterday--made stranger by my horoscope from a few days ago, which said that i should expect to have to accept something without being able to give in return at the same time. something like that. i like giving much more than i like receiving. one of my clients came in yesterday with all these things for me--a huge 2 1/2 foot frasier fir wreath, a kite, and a picnic basket of goodies (read: fudge, cookies, lemon poppyseed bread, all hand made). it was an astounding amount of thanks, and i don't feel i deserve it.
course, i don't feel like i deserve a lot in this world unless i do it for myself. it's why i remain at a job at which i don't feel too important, and which is driving me nuts currently. i don't like the thought of someone slaving over something for me, because that might make me important to someone, and for some reason, i have this need to be forgotten. i think that's why i'm not a very consistent correspondent--i just assume that i don't mean much to the people around me.
and then something like this happens--or a card arrives in the mail (ie that hamster card from sara! ROFL!), an email from someone i haven't heard from, a random hug from my SO, and i'm reminded that i AM somebody, to a lot of people. it's very humbling. again, still makes me want to crawl under a rock. LOL my mom said something a while back about how she didn't understand how she could raise four children, all of whom had both no idea of their worth, and never felt deserving of anything. i think it came from being raised by two people who felt the same way, just never professed it vocally.
so now that i'm done being profound pre-shower, and having my little ego boosting humility moment, i'm off to work. cheers all (:
so this morning i woke up early with the intention of getting a load of laundry done prior to heading out to work. only to discover that i have no quarters. *sigh* which kind of makes laundry impossible. *sigh again.*
on the flip side, i need to pack because i get to go to my parents' tonight, tomorrow and for a bit of sunday (depending on when my sister picks me up) for girlie weekend and scrapbooking; it's our birthday gift to my mom, as we couldn't be there for her birthday. i still haven't found a car, so i'll be housebound when i'm there, mainly because i can't borrow my sister's car (it's a stick. :P and so far our lessons have only progressed to "how to get into first gear" LOL) hopefully after i get a new car i'll be able to drive up and actually SEE you, sara!!! that would be enormously fun. (: (: (: i think i'll be doing a lot of belated visiting after the new car issue is surpassed. (:
*sigh* and it's friday. just thinking about work right now makes me want to run screaming from my house, preferably naked, as that might give me more jail-time than if i just ran clothed from the house. management is from another planet, i have been now totally convinced, where i was just on the path to enlightenment before yesterday. i've got overtime that they want me to use up. today would be the day i have to use it up. i have two meetings scheduled AT THE SAME TIME at 915, both ok'd by the same person, and then we have two people leaving early (noonish) to go have various medical procedures. and then more meetings this afternoon. to top that off, i'm unable to leave early as my shift ends at 530 and since i'm the most tenured person until that time, i cannot be let off early. *sigh, for the third time in one blog. garg!*
i just don't get it.
the feeling of wanting more out of work is dichotymous with another feeling i experienced yesterday--made stranger by my horoscope from a few days ago, which said that i should expect to have to accept something without being able to give in return at the same time. something like that. i like giving much more than i like receiving. one of my clients came in yesterday with all these things for me--a huge 2 1/2 foot frasier fir wreath, a kite, and a picnic basket of goodies (read: fudge, cookies, lemon poppyseed bread, all hand made). it was an astounding amount of thanks, and i don't feel i deserve it.
course, i don't feel like i deserve a lot in this world unless i do it for myself. it's why i remain at a job at which i don't feel too important, and which is driving me nuts currently. i don't like the thought of someone slaving over something for me, because that might make me important to someone, and for some reason, i have this need to be forgotten. i think that's why i'm not a very consistent correspondent--i just assume that i don't mean much to the people around me.
and then something like this happens--or a card arrives in the mail (ie that hamster card from sara! ROFL!), an email from someone i haven't heard from, a random hug from my SO, and i'm reminded that i AM somebody, to a lot of people. it's very humbling. again, still makes me want to crawl under a rock. LOL my mom said something a while back about how she didn't understand how she could raise four children, all of whom had both no idea of their worth, and never felt deserving of anything. i think it came from being raised by two people who felt the same way, just never professed it vocally.
so now that i'm done being profound pre-shower, and having my little ego boosting humility moment, i'm off to work. cheers all (:
Wednesday, December 15, 2004
a good bra is hard to find
Maybe it should be: ask not what you can do for your bra, but what your bra can do for you.
I say this only because I am wearing my favorite bra. EVER.
It's supportive, it's flattering, and it makes my boobs resist gravity ala Wonder Woman, and gives me cleavage that just plain old makes me feel super-duper.
Not that I'm lacking in the bust department. I've got enough to go around, make my back hurt from time to time, and cause me consternation in shopping for shirts. But most bras kind of just hold things in place and look crappy, and don't give me a nice shape. This one is my exception.
Which is good. Because I really needed some support today. And sometimes, the best support you can get is from yourself. If you're feeling down, and finding it difficult to summon the means by which you make it through the day (and in this case, the week at all) you'll take what you can get.
Hence, good bra equals better mood.
So anyway. The week is ALMOST over. I'm exhausted. I've read a ton of books by Julia Quinn this week, and had myself empowered by my online book club after sheepishly admitting that they were all romance novels...to which there was a hue and cry that romance novels are nothing of which I should be ashamed, and that they're something that has transcended their guilty motif and moved into a very feminist movement.
Upon reflection, I have to agree.
I guess I'm having a really girly month. I'm thinking about a hair cut, and this weekend is girly weekend with my sisters and mom. (Yes, another weekend spent NOT car shopping. I did some the other night. Honest. At the end of a day at work, right now, I don't want to do anything other than hide under my coffee table and shudder in anticipation of the next day at work. Blah.)
I'm also having a big obsession lately with pondering life in general. I think it's that end of the year thing---what have I done this year, what has gone on this year, etc. It's been a long year--Dad's heart surgery in February, Serena moving to CO, Eero moving in, Quinn passing on, Shiva moving into the house, Lupe crumbling as I drive, Dan going back to school, my sister getting hitched. It's this whole conglomeration that shapes life--or maybe that just *is* life.
All these things for some reason have made me very aware of my mortality, that I'm only given so long on this earth. It doesn't seem fair to me, suddenly. I don't want to have to think about what my parents are thinking about--retirement, how many years do I have left, how many years do my parents have left. And I guess I don't have to think about it yet. But I'm struggling with this inner demon that's based on the Grasshopper and the Ant--have I saved enough, have I done enough, can I do more. The answer is always yes, I can do more, I haven't saved enough, I need more time.
And I glance down, and my bra, right now, is one of the most uplifting things and inspiring happenings all day. I've got great boobs for today. That's enough.
I say this only because I am wearing my favorite bra. EVER.
It's supportive, it's flattering, and it makes my boobs resist gravity ala Wonder Woman, and gives me cleavage that just plain old makes me feel super-duper.
Not that I'm lacking in the bust department. I've got enough to go around, make my back hurt from time to time, and cause me consternation in shopping for shirts. But most bras kind of just hold things in place and look crappy, and don't give me a nice shape. This one is my exception.
Which is good. Because I really needed some support today. And sometimes, the best support you can get is from yourself. If you're feeling down, and finding it difficult to summon the means by which you make it through the day (and in this case, the week at all) you'll take what you can get.
Hence, good bra equals better mood.
So anyway. The week is ALMOST over. I'm exhausted. I've read a ton of books by Julia Quinn this week, and had myself empowered by my online book club after sheepishly admitting that they were all romance novels...to which there was a hue and cry that romance novels are nothing of which I should be ashamed, and that they're something that has transcended their guilty motif and moved into a very feminist movement.
Upon reflection, I have to agree.
I guess I'm having a really girly month. I'm thinking about a hair cut, and this weekend is girly weekend with my sisters and mom. (Yes, another weekend spent NOT car shopping. I did some the other night. Honest. At the end of a day at work, right now, I don't want to do anything other than hide under my coffee table and shudder in anticipation of the next day at work. Blah.)
I'm also having a big obsession lately with pondering life in general. I think it's that end of the year thing---what have I done this year, what has gone on this year, etc. It's been a long year--Dad's heart surgery in February, Serena moving to CO, Eero moving in, Quinn passing on, Shiva moving into the house, Lupe crumbling as I drive, Dan going back to school, my sister getting hitched. It's this whole conglomeration that shapes life--or maybe that just *is* life.
All these things for some reason have made me very aware of my mortality, that I'm only given so long on this earth. It doesn't seem fair to me, suddenly. I don't want to have to think about what my parents are thinking about--retirement, how many years do I have left, how many years do my parents have left. And I guess I don't have to think about it yet. But I'm struggling with this inner demon that's based on the Grasshopper and the Ant--have I saved enough, have I done enough, can I do more. The answer is always yes, I can do more, I haven't saved enough, I need more time.
And I glance down, and my bra, right now, is one of the most uplifting things and inspiring happenings all day. I've got great boobs for today. That's enough.
Sunday, December 12, 2004
brownies and time machines and whining, oh my!
i'm supposed to be baking 66 brownies for my work cookie exchange today. why brownies, you ask? because i am a confirmed cookie killer.
don't laugh, the only cookies i can bake with authority and panache are peanut butter.
everything else ends up with singed edges or uncooked middles. it's not a beautiful thing. edible, barely, but beautiful, no.
so i rely on bars. i'm a big fan of them--my faves being chocolate chip cookie bars. simple, homey, and moist. YUM. but for a christmas exchange i'm doing brownies, actually brudgies (serena you know EXACTLY what i'm talking about LOL). it's a combo of a brownie and fudge--which turns into a very thick, very heavy brownie that is just delish. AND it's in bar form, so i just slice the pan when it's done and call it a day.
also it's a lovely windy day outside. i miss the wind enormously. up north when it was windy i'd hie myself out to the state park and stand out by the lake until my cheeks burned. i'm not sure it's *that* windy out right now but it sure is windy. luuuuuuuuuuuurvely. maybe i'll have time for a walk? who knows.
last night i drove up to my sister's house in south mpls and had whiskey steak with her and her new hubby. she made this sauce w/ the aforementioned whiskey that was absolutely divine. i'm not a big meat eater so that was a big thing for me--and she cooked that steak to perfection! i'm still getting drooly thinking about it. *sigh* there's just something about bloody red meat...rrrraaaar. serena, i'll have to see if i can get the recipe for that because it was simple and sooooooooo right up your alley. LOL
in other news...i'm avoiding car shopping. can i say that a bit louder, perhaps? i dislike salespeople and the cars down here are so overpriced that it makes me ill. dan and i drove through a few lots the other day and he was just appalled, having only been out once with me and not aware of my love affair with cars.com, keepitlocal.com, and nada.com. all of which are quite extensive sites, and all of which are easy to search, and all of which give me tics just thinking about going back to them right now.
additionally, i really, really, really don't want to go back to work on monday. i'm tired, i'm sick of being walked all over, and i'm too afraid of losing my job to speak up. on the plus side i get to do more training on tuesday. but this is going to require a VERY early morning tomorrow in order to get ready for the whole week and get my desk cleaned up. it wouldn't be so bad if all the crap on my desk didn't affect someone's bank account, federal id number, or tax filing come next april.
which is to when i'd like to skip. if someone gets in contact with h.g. wells let me know--i'm up for a test drive of THAT machine.
don't laugh, the only cookies i can bake with authority and panache are peanut butter.
everything else ends up with singed edges or uncooked middles. it's not a beautiful thing. edible, barely, but beautiful, no.
so i rely on bars. i'm a big fan of them--my faves being chocolate chip cookie bars. simple, homey, and moist. YUM. but for a christmas exchange i'm doing brownies, actually brudgies (serena you know EXACTLY what i'm talking about LOL). it's a combo of a brownie and fudge--which turns into a very thick, very heavy brownie that is just delish. AND it's in bar form, so i just slice the pan when it's done and call it a day.
also it's a lovely windy day outside. i miss the wind enormously. up north when it was windy i'd hie myself out to the state park and stand out by the lake until my cheeks burned. i'm not sure it's *that* windy out right now but it sure is windy. luuuuuuuuuuuurvely. maybe i'll have time for a walk? who knows.
last night i drove up to my sister's house in south mpls and had whiskey steak with her and her new hubby. she made this sauce w/ the aforementioned whiskey that was absolutely divine. i'm not a big meat eater so that was a big thing for me--and she cooked that steak to perfection! i'm still getting drooly thinking about it. *sigh* there's just something about bloody red meat...rrrraaaar. serena, i'll have to see if i can get the recipe for that because it was simple and sooooooooo right up your alley. LOL
in other news...i'm avoiding car shopping. can i say that a bit louder, perhaps? i dislike salespeople and the cars down here are so overpriced that it makes me ill. dan and i drove through a few lots the other day and he was just appalled, having only been out once with me and not aware of my love affair with cars.com, keepitlocal.com, and nada.com. all of which are quite extensive sites, and all of which are easy to search, and all of which give me tics just thinking about going back to them right now.
additionally, i really, really, really don't want to go back to work on monday. i'm tired, i'm sick of being walked all over, and i'm too afraid of losing my job to speak up. on the plus side i get to do more training on tuesday. but this is going to require a VERY early morning tomorrow in order to get ready for the whole week and get my desk cleaned up. it wouldn't be so bad if all the crap on my desk didn't affect someone's bank account, federal id number, or tax filing come next april.
which is to when i'd like to skip. if someone gets in contact with h.g. wells let me know--i'm up for a test drive of THAT machine.
Saturday, December 11, 2004
gray
it's overcast today--just like yesterday and the day before. my stomach is finally settling down a bit after last weekend's episode of stomach flu, which was accompanied by a stunning fever and muscle aches. i felt like the poster child for saltines and thermometers.
today i'm just tired. i had high hopes that i'd sleep in today (which i kind of did...) but at the same time i was up until 2 so sleeping until 925 am wasn't that much of a sleep-in. i just couldn't get up the gumption to lever myself off the sofa last night and preambulate up the gravity defying stairs. so i manned my couch station and watched a terrible episode of animal precinct on animal planet. i'm not sure if it was like catholic confession or what--self flagellation? or just watching a car accident? they pulled 49 fox terriers out of a house in manhattan somewhere (i'm sure this was years ago now) and i just cried for those dogs. part of me is unable to grasp what possesses people to do these things to animals--it just breaks down my moral fiber to even consider it. at the same time, it's a mental illness. whoever did this needs help.
anyway, prior to that we went to a lacrosse game. which was kind of like the most violent hockey game i've ever seen crossed with soccer and basketball. i'm not sure how else to describe it. these guys were fighting, and i mean punches that knocked heads back and were really going to leave a mark. it was amusing insofar as before i left work my friend tangee asked what i was doing and i said, free lacrosse game. she said, well, if there's not enough violence you can always come over and we can watch movies to exoricse the week's work drama. turns out i saw more fighting than i've ever seen short of watching it happen in riot-form on cnn. the additionally awful aspect was that these guys don't wear near as much padding as hockey players, so when they beat each other up, they really do beat each other up.
who knows. it was interesting but i'm not sure i'd go back. i'm jonesing for the nhl to return; i think i need a hockey fix. (;
today we're heading up to adp to do a video conference w/ serena out in denver. this will be her last time in the denver adp building, or in adp at all, i'm guessing, short of a visit to mpls later. congratulations are in order!!!!!!!!!! so if you know her, pat her on the back. (: (: (: should be fun. i also am hoping that after the video conference we can get over and test drive a car in wayzata that i was looking at online last night.
i also know that dan has reached a new low in his job search because right now he's watching america's next top model. i can hear tyra banks narrating. i think they ought to change up the teleprompter--i can hear her looking at the camera and saying, for god's sake, dan, change the channel! out of 70-odd channels there has got to be something better on...doesn't there?
if only life came in the form of a tv guide. "at three pm on tuesday TNT will be airing you've found a life-affirming job, and then at five on CNN, a special on how to win the lottery, which will be followed up on wednesday with the emmy-winning special: you just WON the lottery! a reality show with a happy ending."
anyway better do something. just don't know where to start, right now. that doesn't seem to have stopped me in the past, however...
today i'm just tired. i had high hopes that i'd sleep in today (which i kind of did...) but at the same time i was up until 2 so sleeping until 925 am wasn't that much of a sleep-in. i just couldn't get up the gumption to lever myself off the sofa last night and preambulate up the gravity defying stairs. so i manned my couch station and watched a terrible episode of animal precinct on animal planet. i'm not sure if it was like catholic confession or what--self flagellation? or just watching a car accident? they pulled 49 fox terriers out of a house in manhattan somewhere (i'm sure this was years ago now) and i just cried for those dogs. part of me is unable to grasp what possesses people to do these things to animals--it just breaks down my moral fiber to even consider it. at the same time, it's a mental illness. whoever did this needs help.
anyway, prior to that we went to a lacrosse game. which was kind of like the most violent hockey game i've ever seen crossed with soccer and basketball. i'm not sure how else to describe it. these guys were fighting, and i mean punches that knocked heads back and were really going to leave a mark. it was amusing insofar as before i left work my friend tangee asked what i was doing and i said, free lacrosse game. she said, well, if there's not enough violence you can always come over and we can watch movies to exoricse the week's work drama. turns out i saw more fighting than i've ever seen short of watching it happen in riot-form on cnn. the additionally awful aspect was that these guys don't wear near as much padding as hockey players, so when they beat each other up, they really do beat each other up.
who knows. it was interesting but i'm not sure i'd go back. i'm jonesing for the nhl to return; i think i need a hockey fix. (;
today we're heading up to adp to do a video conference w/ serena out in denver. this will be her last time in the denver adp building, or in adp at all, i'm guessing, short of a visit to mpls later. congratulations are in order!!!!!!!!!! so if you know her, pat her on the back. (: (: (: should be fun. i also am hoping that after the video conference we can get over and test drive a car in wayzata that i was looking at online last night.
i also know that dan has reached a new low in his job search because right now he's watching america's next top model. i can hear tyra banks narrating. i think they ought to change up the teleprompter--i can hear her looking at the camera and saying, for god's sake, dan, change the channel! out of 70-odd channels there has got to be something better on...doesn't there?
if only life came in the form of a tv guide. "at three pm on tuesday TNT will be airing you've found a life-affirming job, and then at five on CNN, a special on how to win the lottery, which will be followed up on wednesday with the emmy-winning special: you just WON the lottery! a reality show with a happy ending."
anyway better do something. just don't know where to start, right now. that doesn't seem to have stopped me in the past, however...
Saturday, December 04, 2004
so what's really happening?
after all my bluster from yesterday about making sure i test drive cars, etc, my mom calls this morning and is wondering if we want to meet them for lunch today in coon rapids, which is about an hour north of us. i of course would love to...which means that i have to wake up dan in about an hour to get read, and then we can leave around 11 or 1115, or whenever my sister calls.
however my newest dilemma is twofold. if i don't go out and buy my cat food, she will cry and whine so loudly that someone in the house will put her in a box. so i need to go do that first, and foremost.
my secondary dilemma is do i look for a car up by blaine and coon rapids? i suppose i could. or maybe stop at a few places on the way home? will have to consider as i really, really want to do at least one thing on my agenda this weekend.
last night was a flop. the whole "brewing" thing turned out to be stomach flu brought on by, i'm sure, lunch--a blackened cajun chicken sandwich and--yes, i drank 'em--two HUGE glasses of coke. it just sounded soooooooooooooooo yummy at the time. then i read until about 2 and now it's almost 10. so i'm glad i'm up and i feel fine now, but i'm not into the whole charge-around-the-cities thing, either. besides the fact, i'm not sure my car will reliably make it all the way up there. it's kind of shaky on the olde safety fronte. but i have to try.
so. right now, as the shower's in use, i better look up some car places. wish me luck and wish fervently that shiva will survive until a bit later without her daily dose of fancy feast. (:
however my newest dilemma is twofold. if i don't go out and buy my cat food, she will cry and whine so loudly that someone in the house will put her in a box. so i need to go do that first, and foremost.
my secondary dilemma is do i look for a car up by blaine and coon rapids? i suppose i could. or maybe stop at a few places on the way home? will have to consider as i really, really want to do at least one thing on my agenda this weekend.
last night was a flop. the whole "brewing" thing turned out to be stomach flu brought on by, i'm sure, lunch--a blackened cajun chicken sandwich and--yes, i drank 'em--two HUGE glasses of coke. it just sounded soooooooooooooooo yummy at the time. then i read until about 2 and now it's almost 10. so i'm glad i'm up and i feel fine now, but i'm not into the whole charge-around-the-cities thing, either. besides the fact, i'm not sure my car will reliably make it all the way up there. it's kind of shaky on the olde safety fronte. but i have to try.
so. right now, as the shower's in use, i better look up some car places. wish me luck and wish fervently that shiva will survive until a bit later without her daily dose of fancy feast. (:
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