jed

how long will he linger
tied to this world with
such small, small threads?
one by one they are unhooked.
from this great distance
i cannot smell your cologne anymore
i cannot remember anything
other than the feel of your chin
brushing my cheek when you hugged me.
i know that this is not
how you'd hoped to live your life--
you, the man who camped in the desert
slept in the back of your pickup
and counted stars until you slept,
the same man who knew nana's secrets
to reading tea leaves
and making stew.
soon enough you'll join them all
so far away
and yet so close.
the only thing holding you here
is pain, and the cage
of your body.
so i ask again
i ask
how long will he linger

***

my uncle jed has been in a care facility since may of 2005. he had a series of strokes at that time. at first it appeared that he would recover, with enough therapy and time, but he has suffered more strokes since then, infections and everything that happens when you are trapped by your own body. he made the difficult decision to begin hospice care--which means that he will receive meds to soothe pain, but nothing further to control his blood sugar or his heart conditions.

when i was a kid jed lived in a townhouse in the cities--we'd visit him and i always loved his house, because it was so neat and tidy and smelled like cologne--which my father didn't wear. when i was a kid i knew my uncle was different from his brothers--he enjoyed colored pillows, matching furniture, and liked to cook and listen to show tunes.

it wasn't terribly different from my dad, or his brothers, i suppose--except my dad had no idea that pillows came in different colors, and i doubt that he notices when and if furniture matches. dad's idea of cooking is a grill and a spatula. jed's was always something tasty prepared in the oven, and a glass of wine. it never seemed odd that my dad and his other three brothers enjoyed cars and hunting, and jed enjoyed movies and line dancing--it was just who he was.

on his fridge he had a picture of his "friend" chuck, a man who i thought for a long time was magnum p.i., standing by a red sports car. it's too late now to ask if he loved that man--if he even remembers that man, i suppose.

jed came out of the closet when i was in college. he sent a letter around thanksgiving explaining that he was coming out and joining AA. my siblings and mom were more shocked that he was actually joining AA, but my dad was shocked that jed was gay. he felt horrible because what if he had insulted jed earlier in life, with jokes or pressing girlfriends on his brother?

i met so many diverse people in college--gay, straight, transsexual, liberal, conservative, wiccan and methodist and catholic. i cannot tell now how much of an impact jed had on me when i was growing up--all i know is that i'm not sure i would be the same person if i hadn't had him in my life. would i have accepted all around me, just as they were, if i had not had someone in my early years who was different and yet completely accepted?

for the past three years jed has struggled, soul trapped on earth, unable to speak or communicate with ease, unable to move himself, reliant on others for everything. in deciding to go into hospice care only, he's finally able to begin letting go, something that i began years ago, i suppose, when he first entered the care facility he's presently in.

jed, i think of you every day. i think of you when i drive past the denny's near my house--the one you knew as a "good denny's" and i know as a "bad denny's." i think of you when i go to the sales just south of town, in the townhomes where we visited you. i think of you when i see a banana cream pie at the grocery store--and i remember popping that into uncle dan's face, while you stood there waiting to serve it, plates and server in hand, shocked.

you used to have a book of naughty limericks in the bathroom, and being the literate child i was, i remember reading them and of course not understanding too terribly much, but thinking that they were so very interesting.

there was one time we visited and you took us to a horse farm, south of the cities, i think. they bred thorobreds and i was in heaven--the rest of my family was in horse manure, and bored after five minutes, i hazard. but you knew how much i loved horses and did that for me.

i always had the feeling that i could tell you anything i wanted to, anything at all, and you would not judge me. now i wonder why i did not tell you more, did not talk more, did not listen better.

i wish you only the best--that you might leave this world and move along to wherever it is the soul journeys. i hope that you can return again to sedona--you loved it there--and perhaps to the northern forests of minnesota. i will wait for you here, wait for that one last hug that i know you will give me.

love, your neice kimberly