i will survive

the other day dan and i got sucked into watching the Top 100 Dance Songs on VH1. lots of them are recycled from other top 100 shows and such; but they're just as brain-sucking as watching spike tv's Worlds Greatest Car Chases--you have to see how it ends.

i'm not an ambulance chaser, not in the least. but i am a curious person. so we watched until the end of the show. not to ruin it for the rest of you lot, but the top song, according to the show, was gloria gaynor's "i will survive."

being deaf, mostly i only know the chorus of songs, until i've either listened so many times that i know the words or looked up and memorized the lyrics.

so i had to look up the lyrics.

***

First I was afraid
I was petrified
Kept thinking I could never live
without you by my side
But I spent so many nights
thinking how you did me wrong
I grew strong
I learned how to carry on
and so you're back
from outer space
I just walked in to find you here
with that sad look upon your face
I should have changed my stupid lock
I should have made you leave your key
If I had known for just one second
you'd be back to bother me

Go on now go walk out the door
just turn around now
'cause you're not welcome anymore
weren't you the one who tried to hurt me with goodbye
you think I'd crumble
you think I'd lay down and die
Oh no, not I
I will survive
as long as i know how to love
I know I will stay alive
I've got all my life to live
I've got all my love to give
and I'll surviveI will survive

It took all the strength I had
not to fall apart
kept trying hard to mend
the pieces of my broken heart
and I spent oh so many nights
just feeling sorry for myself
I used to cry
Now I hold my head up high
and you see me
somebody new
I'm not that chained up little person
still in love with you
and so you felt like dropping in
and just expect me to be free
now I'm saving all my loving
for someone who's loving me

***

one of my coworkers got a job elsewhere. she's someone who used to hang out with serena and me, back in the day. i will miss dil immensely; she's a fellow giggler. and i'm glad that she's going because she's wanted a different job for a while now, and this is definitely an upgrade from her current position, and she gets to work with her husband.

at the same time, my very first thought was: thank god.

dil's one of the people that asks how serena is doing. among others. from the beginning when she moved, i told the people asking to just email her, and gave them her email address. some replied that they had, without response. apparently it is simply easier to just ask me, because i was a point of contact in the past. i don't feel right being completely honest with people about everything, mainly because the web is so tangled. how do you tell the whole story without sounding like either:

A) a whiner
B) a whiner
C) a whiner

none of which are appealing to me. at work, the people i have told no longer work there. for some reason the anonymity of being online makes me able to share my whole truth. but in person--i lock up. i'm like my computer: too many commands and the screen freezes.

my pat answer is still that she just stopped talking to everyone in minnesota--friends, etc. obviously she still goes through the airport on a regular basis to visit her parents in iowa and brother in st cloud, but i'm not sure if anyone local hears from her.

at any rate, i was surprised to find that first feeling of relief: one less person to ask about serena.

***

in therapy on thursday, helene and i talked about taking responsibility for your actions and emotions, and yours alone. i pull a discussion move that exactly mirrors my dad's, from when i was a kid: "it's all my fault, just blame me, that'll end the argument." what it does, helene explained, is give the other party an easy out: "fine, i'll just blame you then." and then i carry around the responsibility for that person's reaction or actions or feelings.

i told her about what cari said, that to think that other people have a problem with you, or to think that you are the activator for other people's feelings--that's selfish. that means that the world is revolving around you, which galileo already proved was scientifically impossible. helene agreed.

i know i've been carrying around all these feelings about all these things--and most of the time, i drag the other players in my staging with me. i make myself responsible for how they're feeling, what they're doing. and before i know it, i'm mentally and emotionally dragging EVERYONE around.

that's a habit, one i need to break. thaddeus said once that i have to remember that i am in my little bubble and dan's in his; same idea.

i am not responsible for serena's actions. i didn't force her to stop talking to anyone. that was HER choice. it was HER choice to walk away from the situation, to be what my dad calls a "fair weather friend"--there when life is sunny, runs away when it rains. i didn't MAKE her do anything.

it's difficult to keep that tenet in mind. i always feel like i could have done more, or differently, and that would have changed the current situation. true, but for whatever reason, the cards played this way.

no use crying over spilled milk. there's always a cat to lap it up, or a towel handy.

besides, gloria gaynor's voice is belling in my head: i will survive.