museum

my legs
are sleeping
i'm crouched down
down down
beneath something large
maybe a couch
or a house?
i can't tell
can't speak
i'm hiding
from that semblance of events
that most folks categorize
as living.

how long can i
remain
before seeking eyes
pry
and find?
limbs atrophied
eyes sinking
i want to stay
here

it's not for lack
of creativity
or spark
whatever this is that keeps my heart
thudding along
i can't blame it on media
or genetics--
just plain old
me,
wanting to support the structure
but not be
brushed off and shined up and glass boxed and
on
display.

one of my fave quotes:

from one of the last places you'd expect a great quote, a sci-fi television show. who knows. anyway i've been feeling a lack of place, needing some tie-me-down to keep me moored in reality of late. so here it is, part and parcel of whatever mantra i make up to keep sanity docked:

The Universe puts us in places where we can learn. They are never easy places, but they are right. Wherever we are, it's the right place...and the right time. Pain that sometimes comes is part of the process of constantly being born. Then I will tell you a great secret. Perhaps the greatest of all time. The molecules of your body are the same molecules that make up this station and the nebula outside, that burn inside the stars themselves. We are starstuff, we are the universe made manifest, trying to figure itself out. As we have both learned, sometimes the universe requires a change of perspective.

Delenn (or rather, jms, creator of Babylon 5)

overload

i'm kind of overwhelmed right now. it's the beginning of my vacation, only day 2, and i was laying in the upstairs room cataloging all i'd like to get done. my main goal is laundry, which includes washing comforters and everything. it needs it. course i despise washing my down comforter because it's a bitch to dry; last year when i did, i singed the feathers a bit, which is one of the worst smells ever. blech.

i also need to organize my books. they're on shelves, but not in any order. it'd be nice to get them organized. maybe i'll even go so far as to alphabetize; but don't dream, dan. LOL it'll probably be my usual mix of i like this author a lot and this author not as much. this is the kimbo decimal system.

i also want to get that upstairs room organized once and for all. serena will be staying here eventually for d and c's wedding, and before that, cari and tony on their way to st maarten. and i really, really need to start yoga again. i thought about that and let myself savor and dwell on it a little last night, when i was laying there trying to massage the kinks out of my neck and settle my overzealous stomach. when i was doing yoga and walking at least every other day, i didn't have these problems. so that means i need to start again, plain and simple.

course that means i need to clean up that room. which is going to be difficult, because i really need to clean out my file thing before i start cleaning, as most of the stuff needs to go into the file.

this is remniscent of cleaning off my desk the other day, before going on vacation. there's piles of stuff that's like minefields--some safe and able to be handled quickly, other papers that need to be filed and shredded before they're relegated to that wooden crate again. some things--like the information i need in order to get my actual birth certificate--are things that just need to be done. (in new york they don't give your b.c. to you unless you request it. my sister found this out last year when they went to get their marriage license; the certificate we have is just a certificate stating that yes, there IS an acutal birth certificate in existence.)

why the extra paperwork? i don't get it.

last night i had this wild dream that our group of spies, from dan's spygame, were on the move. we had to hide in this garage; the ground was covered with snow, some still falling, and we were trying to avoid stepping in the snow as we moved. we got into the garage and heard this low grumble; there was another garage attached to the house behind us, and inside it was a lion. i've had this dream before. we did something and called in a complaint before we left.

that upstairs room is that lion. i'm trying to do too much, all over again. oy. better make a list.

sat

so far today, i've lived up to the abbreviation of saturday: sat.

i got up and sat with dan for a bit; his dad called to let us know that a cousin was killed in a car accident this morning. we're waiting for further updates. dan hasn't had contact with his cousin in a long time, but i'm sure if there's a funeral we'll drive out. saying good bye, even to a memory, is important.

then i sat in my computer chair and paid bills.

sat in my bed and warmed up my feet while talking to my sister about school and evolution and how she was not aware that they don't even use the word evolution any more, and how one of her students' fathers gave her a book to read about how evolution was a myth. interesting. she works in the cities; i respect all opinions, but dang does it seem backwards for a school in the metro area. and to accept without question the idea of creationism--what kind of lack of curiosity has time fostered?

sat and watched part of a horrible movie on sci fi with dan, mosquito. awful. the mosquitos themselves should have gone on strike; they looked horrible. but it was still amusing because that hum is the universal word for annoyance, large or small. comical horror.

sat and picked out socks.

now sitting at the computer again. yesterday i made it as far as the grocery store, never the post office. luckily the post office in apple valley is open until 130 so i can still make it down there if i hustle. so i guess i better get off my duff and move. (:

i think dan's feeling better, but he's still got this deep, hacking cough that just sound hideous, and is currently sleeping on the couch. i don't want to turn off the tv because i'm afraid i'll wake him. apparently typing doesn't make him move. nifty.

sick

i'm prey
being stalked by something
the size of a garbage truck
or maybe that's just
a bacterial shadow
i heard it settling in your chest
the other day
getting friendly with your lungs
i don't
want it.
send it away, mail it to
tahiti
or maybe the aleutian
islands.
solitary
confinement
seclusion in a land where it cannot
sneak up
on unsuspecting
primates.
i'm a selfish ape;
my flesh doesn't want
to be shared
with that
creature.

fried

fried
broken like humpty
i was dumped onto pavement
scattered
never thought i'd write
about how much i feel
like
an egg.

it's friday and i have all next week off. yay. have to hit the grocery store and then the post office before they close for the day. then it's off to tangee's for sci fi friday and truffle making. yum.

i'm not sure i'm going anywhere on my Big Week Off, mainly because my roommates have just been struggling with some terrible, horrible, no good very nasty colds, and i don't want to visit and leave my host or hostess the never ending gift of virus.

so maybe this will be a week home to heal the edges of my self back together, or at least gather them into a pile and then drop off extras at the thrift store.

either way, it's starting on an auspiciuosly good foot for me--it's snowing, big happy flakes.

hopefully i won't have to write about my likeness to a fairy tale ova in the near future.

inspiration

when i lived up north, i got really, really inspired by a book.

nothing in the self help section; just a plain old fiction book. the heroine was just that kick ass. it inspired me to do things i never considered, but things that really did change my life--moving off on my own, being as independent as i needed to be.

it's something that comes and goes, this inspiration. i think about the way things work and how i never know exactly when it's going to strike. usually it arrives in the form of media--books, music, television, movies. and usually it inspires me for a while, and then flits off.

i was thinking about this the other day, mainly because i went to the website at which i used to arrive daily, and it was closed down. hadn't been there in a while; the heroine that so inspired me in northern climes has taken a different turn, and i don't find her books as vivid any longer. part of me was sad to see that site close, but part of me was relieved--i'm not missing anything, it's all gone. i never thought i would be getting so much stuff from a computer, or via a computer.

lately my inspiration has been slightly dried up. it reminds me of most natural things--drought, rain, blossoms, drought again. it's cyclical, it's nothing reliable, and it's certainly not predictable.

i used to think that people who wrote poems on napkins were strange. this was back when i started college. now i'm a napkin person too; in fact the other day it was while waiting for car financing to go through, and on the back of my privacy release document.

for a long time i made myself be creative, whenever i needed to be, for school. now it's not a requirement any longer, and it's falling into a state of disrepair, or maybe just back to its natural form, the cycles of the moon, the seasons, however it worked before i made it dance like a bear.

it frustrates me, this inaction. and yet i have a difficut time reaching over, or seeing past it, to the point at which it rains and i paint, or draw, or write, just plain old create. writing--poetry in particular--is like breathing: so much a part of me that i cannot imagine not expressing myself in this manner.

so what's my inspiration today? what's gotten me out of bed before the dark hour of nine am? my family's in town somewhere. my car is waiting to be driven. i figured out the antenna and now i have radio. such a novel idea. (;

it'll come to me when the snow starts to melt. i know that i need to relax and just let go of the anxiety, the feeling that i'm being blocked, because i'm not. i'm like the earth, the grass, the green growing spring life--dormant, waiting. something will arrive and i will move, stretch my inspired limbs and just do.

moon

it's a bright gray day out side right now. bright because of the snow, because the sky is this pillow-soft shade of off-white-gray, which is all bright because of the sun, which is apparently taking the day off. it's what the world would look like during the day if the moon was bigger, i think.

it's going to be a long day. i say this because i'm tired, and 9 hours of work is not something to look forward to. also most of the work i just flat out don't want to do. i am tired of deciding who created what problem--can i not just solve them in peace? just come to the conclusion? it's exhausting. add to that the job duties, which just keep piling up, and you have apathy.

even if i am there, i'm not going to be much good.

which tires me. i dislike going to a job and feeling that i'm both A: making no headway and B: doing no good.

i have a week of vacation coming up. i have a new car. i'm seriously thinking about leaving my job.

at the same time, there are things i would miss dearly: my friends, the lax attitudes towards off color humor and downright nasty language, wearing clothing that at a normal business casual place would be considered out...these are things i would miss. it makes me scared to think that at another job i might not have these things. and yet at the same time, the way management is going, i'm tired of it. sick of the office. sick of the politics of the office, and tired of the machinations of my supervisor, who i'm sure is suffering the trickle down effect and just passing the shit onto the rest of us.

but that doesn't make it fair.

you know what i hate? i hate guilt trips. i'm guilty of handing them out with the best, but i despise being guilt tripped, or made to feel guilty. i've tried for many years to shake myself of this habit because it's both unhealthy and ridiculously self-centered. but it's hard not to when you get into a meeting and your boss says: "because of what's going on with you guys, this is what i did on my vacation" and then launches into a powerpoint presentation with graphs and charts that basically point out the fact that WE SUCK ROCKS right now.

he could have just put up two screens and saved an hour of slideshow: You're shitty. slide two: Fix it.

i like to think of myself as a creative person. i really do. but put me in that office environ and i turn into this skip-to-the-end, stop-wasting-my-time bitch.

of course, in typical kim fashion, heaven forbid that i stand up for myself or say something about how crappy this makes me feel, because it might hurt someone else.

i've inherited, from my parents, this fear that if i say the wrong thing or do something wrong, i'll be punished and my job will be revoked. and then i'll be stuck trying to find another job.

which is kind of where i've put myself, anyway. i guess it's like your arm slowly rotting off, and you not going to the doctor until it's gone, and then saying, so doc, what can you do for me.

i shouldn't be surprised and yet i am.

additionally, i had a lovely time w/ nathan last night--had dinner at the chatterbox and then coffee at vera's afterwards--but whatever i ate is causing internal distress. i think it was that blessedly delicious hamburger, which had feta cheese, roasted cloves of garlic (whole), sun dried tomatoes, and some kind of creamy pesto spread, all on rosemary focaccia. delish. but beef isn't something i eat often, and yikes do i remember why. (;

anyway off to work, someone wish me luck and sci fi friday, here i come!

sooooooooooooooo...

i got a car.

it's a 1998 subaru impreza, black, 5-door, automatic, 45K, all wheel drive. needs a cd player to be complete, but it's cute, it's practical, and it's mine.

i already know her name, too: bianca.

i'm sad to lose my lupe, though. it was kind of depressing to see my periwinkle pride and joy, my first car, sit in the lot as i drove away in the "usurper," which got a clean bill of health from the mechanic, alan, who walked over the whole vehicle with me. of course i was distracted because the car was in the air and had no wheels on it, and i'm TERRIBLY easily amused, so the fact that i was standing under the car was highly, highly, highly entertaining.

well. ripley's believe it or not is on. believe it or not, i got a car. yay. welcome, bianca. thank you and good life, lupe. *sniff*

not fit to hit a dogfight...

i'm dressed in my sunday best right now: shorts and a ratty t-shirt that has no idea that it's going to be an accomplice to cleaning. a lot. and a pair of slippers from target-boutique that say bad kitty on them.

as mom would say, i'm not dressed fit for a dogfight.

which is fine, because today i get to hang out for a while with sno-bowl, the works, and windex. very unsavory characters, let me tell you what.

and then i'm going to maybe finish watching blues brothers, because i started last night and was so tired that i gave up and went to bed. i think my apathy towards the movie was based solely on the fact that i was pulling a rip van winkle on the sofa. who knows.

sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy kim

so last night we went over to the savagedorm and gamed until the wee hours of the morning.

mainly the wee hours because we got there around 630, took a while to prep for dinner, and then ate and got situated, and started around 8 or 830. lunchmeat got home around 10 or so, and around 1030 the neighbor lady drove home and noticed that corpse's back driver side window had a large hole in it.

this lead to the following: cathy, patrolling the street and inspecting said vehicle with her maglite, in very police-proper fashion. dan quoting corpse on how much it would cost to repair the window. and darin cutting a plexiglass peice to fit the window. this was all before the cop arrived to report it. god only knows who broke the window. at any other house corpse probably would've ended up with some duct tape and cardboard. by the time darin and i finished with the duct tape, if you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd have no idea that there wasn't glass there. *sigh*

when the cop did get there (before the actual "installation"), we'd checked other cars on the street and ascertained that his was the only one hit. the cop pulls up and makes sure that yes, the group of six standing outside at midnight is indeed the household and car in question. because everyone stands outside shivering in mn; why go in and warm up? he could get there any minute and you don't want to inconvenience someone, now do you? (;

darin and corpse walk out to the car. the cop rolls down his window and asks whose car it is; corpse affirms it's his. then he asks: so, do i have any warrants out for my arrest?

he said it loud enough that the peanut gallery in the driveway could hear, and at that point we got the giggles. better yet, after we'd taped and vacuumed and swept up the glass and were back in the house and getting back into the spygame, corpse said that when he asked, the cop looked.

too much.

we got home around i think 230 or so, after a rollicking good time, and then i just couldn't sleep. this morning i had to get my butt over to the dmv to get my license renewed, but after i got up i dawdled and poked around at used cars online, found one i wanted to test drive and within ten minutes of emailing the dealership in question, had an appointment. after waiting at the dmv and getting a new picture and being told that my vision is fine (thank the gods they don't check hearing LOL) i came home, collected dan and we headed up to wayzata.

it was a nice dealership--village chevrolet, for anyone watching. a nice no-pressure place. which is good, because i DESPISE pushy salesfolk. ewwie. we drove a cute little subaru impreza hatchback and i liked immensely due to the hatchback, which is the height of practicality for me, myself and i. i had immediate visions of rummage saling in the spring. *dreamy sigh, ususally reserved for christian bale but applied today to the ultimate practicality of a hatchback...*

of course i'm thinking on it. and i'm sure by monday, when i'm thinking that yes, i want a mechanic to peek and let me know what's wrong with it, it'll be history. but i got up there and i drove it. and that's what counts. i drove a subaru, and i liked it. LOL small steps for humanity, in fact maybe just glances in a direction for humanity...but giant leaps for kimbo the destroyer. i'm hoping they'll take my car as a trade, and if so, hoping after that that i can get a cd player popped in so that the car will be useful to me. wink wink, nudge nudge. could i live without my cd player? how pampered am i?

oy.

anyway i'm running on about 4.5 hours of sleep and it's far too lovely out to not go outside so i'm off for a walk in the woods. possibly after ordering a digital camera from my incentive site online.

so far so good. off to the races. also off towards a cupcake, which sounds divinely awful for my hips right now. (:

almost, almost, almost...

friday.

it's so close i can see it, if i stand on my tippy-toes.

time has just been tripping by, the last weeks. i was all excited last week because it seemed as if a new car was within reach; and now this week i've been handed an empty envelope, as the guy whose number i was given to call has a fax machine for a phone. i keep forgetting to fax him a note saying, hey, jeremy, what the fuck? so maybe i'll email myself later.

last week i ended up driving to the vortex again. i know, pretty often for a two-month time span. but sunday was v-day for cari, and i wanted to be there as if nothing else a distraction.

it ended up being something of a reminder and healing experience for me. on top of being all pms-y and weepy, i made a promise to myself that if i got to bemidji before noon i'd go for a walk in the state park, one of my favorite and most familiar places to walk.

it so happened that i arrived around 1130, so i parked in the parking lot of the country club, wrapped boots around my feet, and tromped off with camera in hand into the woods.

i haven't been in the woods for a while. i think it's something that's so sacred for me, combined with so comforting, that being in unfamiliar woods down here, with planes grumbling overhead and the tang of highway just a stone's throw away, doesn't allow me to remove myself enough from the mundanity of life.

i could hear the whiz of snowmobiles out on the lake, the silence unbroken by shouts or anything. i'm not sure if all the men fishing have that deep understanding of silence; maybe it was just the brightness of the sun, the cold cold air, sucking breath from lungs. the snow made that lovely crunching sound underneath my boots, blocking out any noises that might exist, save the chitter of a few squirrels.

for a good hour and a half i just was at home in the woods. lost myself in the smell of crushed pine, the swoop of a bird, leftover snow falling in great clumps from tree boughs as a chipmunk skittered through. i was hoping, on the last leg of the walk, to see the does that i often encountered while rambling. three does--i always imagined the trinity they shared, maiden-mother-crone. the three fates, three pairs of hands holding thread. i loved seeing their slender necks turn, ears perk, tails swish. by that last leg i'd seen all kinds of tracks--deer, raccoon, dog, some kind of cat, squirrel, rabbit, and the tiny, tiny delicate indentations of a mouse, which ends up being two little dips and a swoosh of tail. adorable, and admirable to walk barefoot in so chill a climate.

on that last leg i was missing my walks so intensely that i just wanted to sit down and cry. i long for the woods so much some times that i think maybe there's something flawed in me--i'd much rather be out in the woods, soaking up earth, than anywhere. it's like finding your favorite pair of old, worn shoes, slipping them on and just knowing that they fit every inch of your foot, cradle your step.

when i was a kid, seeing a deer was something of a religious experience for our family; someone would point one out, and we'd all freeze and just watch, and be watched. that's something i have always carried, dad's reverence for the natural world, and his great respect for living things, the space he gave them and the silence he offered to them, his only gift.

i looked up and across the road, directly across the path from me, were those does, eyes focused on me, ears hearing my heart thud around like that favorite shoe in the drier. it felt like a gift, a divinely wrapped and given gift.

i stood there, weeping, for a good ten minutes. feeling both bereft and healed, in some way. i thanked everyone i could.

some things you have to accept. some things are just meant to be. if i'd lingered longer on the beach, i'd have missed them.

i've been trying for a long time now to come to terms with where i am, to understand why i have been put here. four deer in the woods do not solve a lifetime of unanswered questions; they don't solve things. they solidify; they remind. i remembered the joy i had, walking in the woods, the comfort unasked the trees offered. i remembered the feel of my pockets weighed down by stones picked to make runes, sharp blue crab claws clinging to frozen sand. the feel of wind so hard on my cheeks that i almost, almost, almost wanted a scarf. bottomless sky, in a bowl over my head broken only by piercing sun.

i miss all those days. the whole time i was thinking: do i have to miss this? do i have to give this up? i don't. i could find something down here, in the middle of the cities, that would fill my soul. right?

i have this feeling that i needed that moment, all those minutes, alone in the woods; i needed the gift of seeing those deer; i needed the solitude and the completeness that those woods allow me. i needed that time to make a spot inside my soul that i can visit from time to time, when i need space but cannot find it, when peace eludes me. cool water on a dry throat.

i need to give these things to myself, again. i need to gift myself with time, with space, with nature, before i wither and become a shell around that warm memory carried within.

favor

don't
do me any
don't touch don't look don't prod
don't
poke
i'm tired of being
pandered
to,
tired of the little things
tired of trying and being
deflated
by life in general.

i'm not sure
what i'm hearing
the small things i think
are
help
turn out to be the nail
in
your tire.

take me for a ride in your car, car...

ever heard that peter, paul and mary song, car car? it's quite amusing.

note to nathan: thanks for turning me on to 89.3, it's interesting to listen to--i don't think i've heard a repeat yet. although compared to 93x their morning show on the current is kinda lacking. LOL but i need a boot to the head in the morning to get going, anyway.

so today work sucked. i'm not going to elaborate because i'm tired of whining.

i know, you didn't think it was possible.

and right now i've done a few things that i never thought i'd get around to doing: emailed the car place about a few more cars, and emailed the bank about a loan, and emailed my insurance about the cost of insurance, and am now headed upstairs to clean up the upstairs room in the HIGH hopes that soon i will be able to do down dog again, in a space that's not only comfy, but doesn't force me into down dog just to pick up my knitting, and also does not make me feel like i'm playing twister to get to the window.

and my man dan found me fat free pudding. love the man.

en route to room!

bread for the soul

yesterday we gamed. i haven't played in a dan-run game for a while, nor have i gamed on the weekend in a while. generally i get to have fun blowing things up and/or starting them on fire every other wednesday, during eero's game, but weekday gaming somehow feels constricted by the fact that you have to get ready for work the next morning. it's harder, for me at least, to just let loose.

so it was nice to game on a friday. and i'm glad that it's not every friday, or saturday, because i really like having my weekend days to recharge and slouch around the house in an aimless to downright shambling manner.

anyway, i got home last night and my beef stew, which i'd tossed in the crockpot yesterday morning before work, was smelling divine. i'm not a big beef-eater, but for some reason i was just jonesing for beef stew, and that means that i was probably deficient in something so eat i did. tasty, it was. talking like yoda, i am. yikes.

my sister called not 15 minutes after i got home, told dan to tell me to call my dad. immediately he must have seen the panic on my face because he said, no, she said it was a good thing! so i call, and dad's got a good retirement package and is dancing for joy...yay for dad! yay for mom! yay all around!

so i get off the phone and call my sister. mind you, all the while getting out a recipe for biscuits, finding flour, etc. i call sara and we go over what great news this is. i measure flour. we talk about how wonderful it is for dad and mom. i toss in baking powder. we laugh and smile. i add pepper. we talk about getting together for dinner saturday. i measure oil. and then i realize that i've used the milk measurments (2/3 cup) for the oil (1/3 cup). to add insult, i'm already making a double batch, so i've essentially just forced my hand into making a quadruple batch.

shit.

i had to actually get off the phone before i made things worse, and then add flour and baking powder, and all the other stuff, in droves, just to get the mix correct.

biscuits turned out well, lumpy and thick and homemade. i love homemade biscuits. they feed my soul.

few poems

still

i'm driving
rolling down a slow hill
press myself into a
stop
glance to my right, to where
the red glow of lights
plays
in a tangle of snowflakes
the bits of sky falling
i'm reminded
forcibly
of walking in the dark
cool fingers of winter
pinking my cheeks
thick snow crunching
underfoot
soughing of wind in the trees
all those things
remote
i've traveled
somewhere
else


***
layne

i catch
the grumble of your guitar
glitter mingled with lost
electricity
acoustic i hear for the first time
how melodic
it all is
how put together
when you're loud
(and i'm singing at the top of my lungs)
i miss it
the little slices
twangs and shirrs
riffs of voice
i'd call it soul
but you'd
scoff.

***
in the dark
beneath the skin
in secret dark
i listen
the drum of flesh
thumping, with my
heart
blood sings
it really does, if you listen
put your ear
to pillow, you'll hear dull
thud
thud
thud
your temple, pounding,
the dance continues
whether you're listening
or not
when i was young i thought it was
footsteps
someone creeping
down the hall
darker, darker
in the dark
beneath the skin
i'm sneaking
up
on
myself.

(thank you to a poetry class from carol-ann russell for that prompt--"in the dark beneath the skin" is a poem i've written many times, many different ways, for years.)

me, myself and whine

i'm whiny this week.

i'll go out on a limb and say that this has been the whiniest week of the year, thus far.

for some reason i'm tired. i'm lacking in ANY focus. i feel like a broken microscope.

yeah, that about sums that up.

i can't blame it on anything. can't chalk it up to pms or full moon or taxes. well, taxes might fit.

i'm just whiny and anti-social. i've devolved into reading so many books that i don't know which one i read last. that's always a sign to me that i have got to get out and do something. and i have a lot to do. just need a cattle prod to get going. maybe a cheerleader with a good supply of shiraz.

perhaps just a weekend of paint fumes. (; that, and dan's spygame on friday, and the thought of a few battlestar galactica eps waiting in the wings. that show really does rock. the proverbial "they" did a superb job writing it, and the acting is outstanding. lots of nice themes, pretty pictures, arresting ideas.

there's one thing to not whine over, i suppose. i'll keep compiling. (;

zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

i'm tired.

not that sunday, i don't want to go to work tomorrow tired.

burned out. used up. i'm ready for a vacation. now i'm just waiting for the vacation calendar so i know when i have a week off, during which i plan on doing two things: sleeping in and finding a car.

right now it's 9 o'clock and i'm ready to climb into bed. which i think i just might do.

my sister, dan and i drove up to st cloud today for lunch w/ mom, dad, beth and david. it was nice to get together. we'd been hoping to have a big party but the rents had a lions' club thing on saturday so it was just close family on sunday. my sister's new hubby had to drive to milwaukee for a family emergency. wish him luck with his pop, okay all? it's not life threatening but it's stress. stress is stress.

a year ago today i was sitting in the hospital with dad, massaging his shoulders and tonight, sewing a rice bag to throw in the microwave and heat up to ease the pain in his shoulders.

this year i was sitting at a table, eating turkey and potatoes with lots of garlic, and laughing my ass off at my odd and bizarre family. my cheeks hurt and i feel as though i've had a good abs workout.

my parents are very different than they were a year and two days ago. they've changed their diet completely--no more fast food, mainly very low fat, low sodium, low sugar. lost weight, they look great and have more energy, and a new focus on life in general. dad's looking to retire in july already. yay dad!!!

it is strange how a change in your thought process can change your life so completely. focus it down, on the important things--family, friends, enjoying the time you're given. so much of life is spent on making ends meet and getting by that roses are forgotten and the sand runs through and dumps on the ground, for many people.

i think i drank my beer too quickly. in fact, i'm downright maudlin. night kids. (:

falling

i slipped
today on a patch of gravel and ice
felt the world turn
side
ways
sometimes you just can't
keep your
balance
your purchase on earth
tilts
your knees meet
in gravity's
nest

went to khan's today for lunch. i had WAY too much garlic on my food. and you know it has to be too much if i'm saying it's too much, because i'm a garlic hog.

i think i put on three scoops, and even after i was done eating the noodles and veggies and couldn't pick up the garlic bit by bit i used a fork.

yes, i'm addicted to garlic.

i know it's good in moderation, like all things, i suppose. i can still taste it lingering in my mouth. as with all things, it was nice and familiar for a while, but it's been over 8 hours since i ate lunch, and i've eaten other foods, drunk the last of my milk, depleted the brita, and brushed my teeth; and still it lingers.

stealing tomorrow

so i get sidetracked easily. anyone who knows me is aware of this. shiny, glittery objects, as well as things that look boring, are all quite distracting to me.

today it was time. i asked dan the other day if he wanted to go out at some point. today i got done with work early and it seemed natural that he would say, so what're we up to tonight?

and i, of course, said, um, i dunno.

i never plan anything. it just doesn't occur to me. if i plan something it falls through, or just never comes to fruition. i always overthink things, too. if i do something today, how will it affect tomorrow, so on and so forth. i talk myself into avoidance.

it's strange to think about it like that. it's like i'm cheating myself out of time by trying to avoid being shackled by it. i'm not sure i'd be able to change if someone paid me. i just don't like having to think, when i'm not being paid at work to think about it, what i should do next, and like even less having to decide.

what's the difference between losing time as i sit here typing and not planning tomorrow or just waiting and wasting time then?

cari's tony said something at one point about not being bound by the constraints of time.

maybe i ought to be? i'm not sure. time seems immortal enough that i'm never in a terrible rush, that i'm never worried about when i'll next see someone. it will happen when it happens, it will happen when it needs to happen.

can you be too much in the moment? so much that you miss out on living?

or am i just overthinking? can you steal your own tomorrow?

here, kitty kitty kitty...

so today we ran to the vet. shiva's been really sniffly lately, thought it had cleared up but yesterday it just got worse--snuffling, sneezing, puking. she kept itching an ear, too, so i finally broke down and called.

she was VERY well behaved, which is odd only because the last time we took her to the vet, she turned into a hell spawn feline and despite the fact that she was wrapped in a towel, dan was glad he had on gloves.

today she was so under the weather that he picked her up and put her in, and she didn't even meow.

the vet said she's in good shape, no ear infection, no cold. from her symptoms and checking her out, he thinks she's got food allergies or allergies in general. her little nose is swollen a bit, and her ears and paws are scratchy. in thinking about it while she was in the lab, dan and i realized that back when we had the backhall tsunami, we'd had to toss her old food and get new stuff...luckily we had some of the old stuff leftover, so the purina got packed up and we're back on the iams diet again. hopefully this will clear things up. if not, it's back in for some cortizone, but at least we have a start.

additionally, it appears that a tooth pulling is in her near future. one of her lower teeth is inflamed at the gum level, and the vet said that we could wait a bit and then have to remove it. yay.

but she's healthy, which is a boon. and he said she had the softest coat of any cat he'd ever met.

maybe he says that to all the kitties. (;