in moderation

for the last two weeks i've been sick again. it's probably all hormone-related but sick is sick. i generally feel weak and tired, and a bit afraid to leave the safety of my own home, mainly for restroom purposes.

anyway on friday when i was driving home from work i really allowed the sick to get me down. by the time i got home--after a ten minute drive from work--i was so down in the dumps that dan took one look at me and said, what's wrong?

he cheered me up--brought me to the grocery store, was all around uplifting and after an hour and some food, i felt much, much better.

i suppose the "all in moderation" thing goes for emotional upset just as it does for chocolate consumption.

***

today when i went on facebook i was scrolling through everyone's thoughts and what not. i ran into my post from yesterday, and below that, veronica's note about posting something i remembered from our shared past. i was going to post about the Shred-It guy who came in and was pretty darn hot, and had a thing for veronica even though she was in the beginning stages of a relationship with her now-husband--which i eventually did, after some thought.

the thought was required because serena had posted there too.

i try to avoid thinking about her. she's like a pain, a toothache, that's finally dead and numb. when i saw her picture i did not feel anything but curiosity. which is perhaps what you would feel after this many years have passed. time, they say, heals all wounds -- but that isn't true. it isn't true because the minute i saw her picture and the numb feeling passed, and the curiosity set in--what has she done, what is she like, has she changed as i have?--after all that, all i could think was, would dan be happier if he was with her? would he have had to deal with the histrionics of friday night if she walked in the door? no, he probably wouldn't.

at first it hurts again, that same wound. the one that reminds me i'm not good enough, the one that breaks open every now and again and says, why is he with me, truly? is it because he loves me or because he's comfortable?

it's been many years since we indulged in our first love, our first headlong plunge into passion. what i feel for him now is so very different than what i felt for him then. i can still remember those heady feelings of lust, of adoration, of puppy-love, but they are a memory now.

then again, do i remain because i'm comfortable? i certainly love being around dan -- i do, honestly. he's the first person i want to call when i have seen something new, the first person i want to hug at the end of the day, the first person i want to see in the morning. that part has not dimmed, for me, and as often as i wonder if it has for him, i am reminded that he loves me in the things he does -- the chocolate bar when he knew i was feeling down, the gift of a picture because i know he listens to me.

i do love him, and i don't want to consider the other option--but seeing her face makes me doubt, makes me wonder, makes me a little upset.

***

last night, feeling a bit better, i allowed myself two small squares of the chocolate bar he brought home. they were so good and filled that strange void that is "craving," and so far, my stomach is not unhappy with me.

that said, i need to address the upset i feel with the same handling. i need to allow myself the upset, in moderation, and then i need to set it aside, perhaps to moderately ponder again later...but not now.