noise

when i was a kid, my parents really didn't curtail my reading habits. i read whatever i pleased, even if there were the unforseen consequences of misunderstanding that i probably couldn't be a leper at the age of 11 in wisconsin. (a gift of james michener's hawaii and an overactive imagination.)

at any rate, i never had much if any restriction on what i read. i was restricted in what i listened to, however, and whether or not i could go to concerts. everything was too late, too out of the norm--which amuses me now, as at the time the music of which i thought so highly was hair bands of the eighties. when my friends were sneaking out of windows to attend metal concerts, i was home, reading--my one escape.

of course as i got older i had the ability to go to live shows, when and where i pleased. in my first few years of college i didn't see much at all, as i was going to bemidji, but i discovered alice in chains, which changed my outlook on music completely.

dark, bleak, rolling over you with the strange melody of layne and jerry--it was auditory beauty.

***

being deaf, i guess i never questioned much the thought that i don't listen to a lot of music. the stuff that other people really enjoy--dave matthews, etc--sounds so bland to me. perhaps it's because of being deaf that i came to this "noise" as my parents would term it--it has to be loud enough and brash enough to snare my attention and keep it held.

who knows. all i know is that my first two tapes (yes, cassette tapes) were janet jackson's rhythm nation and heart's brigade--and janet got tossed aside soon thereafter.

***

one of my first concerts was type o negative--dark and dreary, but ever so crunchy. standing in that small venue, pressed up against so many people, sweating and feeling my very marrow quake, was almost the most relaxed i've ever been.

years afterward i learned about "toning," which is kind of an auditory massage therapy--different sounds and tones that have various affects on your body. it makes sense, if for no other reason that just as a therapist manipulates your muscles, the volume of music can move the fibers of your being--physically and mentally, i suppose.

anyway, last night we went and saw a band that was definitely "noise." had a few beers and felt old among the crowd of twenty-three year old kids who had a penchant for thinking they were goth...or at least costuming themselves as such. i remembered fondly my days of combat boots and dark clothing, the industrial feel of a carbiner filled with jangling keys. i'm generalizing here because i guess as you get older that's what you do, and how you become the old shit sitting on the porch, railing at "those kids" to get off your lawn.

today i have a stamp that is slowly bleeding ink in jagged lines on my hand. i remember how i longed for this twenty years ago--to be one of the cool kids, to sneak out and disobey--and how much better it feels, and how completely relaxed i can be, without the pleasure of guilty window panes, for having heard and felt all that noise.