the week of rude and obnoxious thought

i could begin this post by saying "it's been one of those weeks." but that seems silly at the moment, because EVERY week is "one of those weeks."

honestly this week was bad--an emotional roller coaster, ending with a trip to my parents' house today to literally and figuratively shoot guns. yes, guns: rifles, shotguns, etc. it's quite refreshing to shoot--to hear that loud, loud bang, to feel the gun plunk into your shoulder, to smell the tang of gunpowder and grease. there's a kennel, run by the shooting range, so the day is also punctuated by barks and yelps.

of course all of this will be muffled by ear plugs.

the figurative shots will be taken at the house, where my sisters will be annoyed with me for missing a camping trip. i doubt that my brother will even have noticed. which would be par for the course.

what i keep echoing in my mind is that life is too gods-damned short to be tied up constantly in drama or self-recrimination. if something happens, deal with it. there is no other way to live.

i will freely admit to putting it into practice not as often as i should.

example: i have a car. said vehicle needs either to be overhauled so that i can stop dumping antifreeze into it, or traded in for a new model. i've looked online, sat in a few cars, considered my options. but have a made a decision, and dealt with it?

i'm sure most folks would say i have not dealt with it, and they're partially correct. but filling the antifreeze on a weekly basis is my way of dealing with this situation. i've made a decision. it's just not the decision that everyone else would make.

this week i've been faced with some odd things: one friend loses a child, one friend takes their still-tiny preemie home from the hospital, one friend reveals a stress about a child who is yet to be.

there is no fair. there is only pain--but pain can be sweet and it can be sour. one serves to illuminate the other; that is the only way to view it, in my mind.

the problem i am having this week is that people all too easily forget the beauty of their lives--how their love for one another is beautiful daily, how the frost settling on grass is breathtaking, how having food in their kitchen is a miracle. it is the small things in life that have to balance out the large and ugly ones. one cannot expect that those big ugly things are balanced only by large beautiful ones, because they are not. the balance comes from keeping this in mind.

i cannot always practice what i preach, mind you. but for whatever reason this week i am simply glad to be alive, and i'm feeling quite ungracious to those people who rail against the unfair and ugly on an indifferent planet, where both can quickly become the opposite.

last night i could have come home after work and spent the evening writing, but that would have been in the company of friends, and i was not the most social of women yesterday. instead i shopped, hidden and finding anonymity in the masses, and when my feet were sore enough for me to be thankful, i came home.

yes, sore feet. those two soles reminded me that i was among the lucky to have sore feet from walking in heated comfort, and not from walking over rocks barefoot. that i had a roof over my head, when i wanted and needed it, and a place to lay down in safety.

and if that is not enough for me, then i am too needy, and need reminding again of the lack of fair in the world.

that's my inflamatory post of the year. i'm off to pull triggers.