somnia

Word: somnia
Part of Speech: n.
Other Forms: somniac
Etymology: Logical opposite of insomnia.
Definition: The ability to fall asleep.

that's the part i don't have trouble with. the part i have trouble with is this:

insomnia: inability to sleep or to remain asleep throughout the night.

usually my target is 6 hours. after about 5, i think my brain gives up and gets restless. i read a theory that the reason people are insomniacs is that they're hyperaroused--and not in a sexy, i'm-wearing-lingerie type of aroused. it makes me wonder if other ADHD people have the same problem. ie, our brains get bored with sleeping patterns so we wake up and search for bright, shiny objects.

which reminds me of my favorite ADD joke:

q: how many ADD kids does it take to change a light bulb?
a: let's ride bikes!

last night my mind was wandering. dan and i were cuddling; he was thinking in a wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more direction, i was thinking in the same direction except i was cold. as i laid there in the circle of his arms, my mind relaxed, my body warm and comfortable...even if i didn't think it, i was probably bored. wandering mind. dan got up and said, "your mind isn't even in the room."

oh, but it was. i was thinking about the dresser and how old it was. thinking about my lanterns, and how the little star shapes don't make big star shapes on the ceiling and walls when the lanterns are lit. thinking about the sound of cat feet, padding quietly into the room. thinking about when i was going to be able to neuter said animal. thinking about the breathing of the person with whom i was cuddling. then i heard these three little beeps--not from my cell phone or a fire detector. me hearing the beeps indicates, to me, that they have to be loud, because usually i can't hear a thing. dan didn't hear them and felt that it was a symbol of our larger relationship issues that i'm never paying full attention to him.

dan felt a bit slighted because i was worried about the beeps, which was probably something from the neighbors' townhome, and not concerned about him.

i tried to explain, i think successfully, that i wasn't rejecting him. my mind is ALWAYS in fifteen places at once. and the only way it's not going to be, the only way to curtail it, is for someone to say something so that i'm not thinking about finding the water bottle to spray the cat who's terrorizing my curtains. i'll probably still want to do two things at once--it's in my nature--but the only way that i can break the habit of focusing like a microscopic kaleidescope is to be called on the carpet when i do it.

this led to a discussion, fairly heated, about what i felt was important and what dan felt was important, and how he was feeling rejected and how i wasn't meaning to reject him. my whole point centered around trying to get him to understand that i wasn't. it felt like losing battle, because all the evidence points to me not paying attention, and my family at large is the same way. it has to feel like you're being neglected, when in reality, you're not--we're not ignoring, we're not rejecting, we're simply distracted. there's just too much world that falls into the openings on our heads--too many sights, sounds, tastes. the thoughts run wild, a ferris wheel with no stops.

i used to chew my nails all the time when i was a kid. one lent, instead of giving up chocolate the way that i usually did, i decided to give up nail biting. it was difficult because as a worrier, i need some way to work off nervous energy. after four weeks, i did it. i had no desire to put my fingertips in my mouth and worry the nails shorter. to this day, i don't nibble. but now i chew gum.

lesser of two evils? who the hell knows. it looks nicer to chew gum quietly than it does to chew on your own poor flesh, but in the same sentence, it's just a replacement.

i probably could pare down my brain in the same way. but this is coming from a girl who has trouble developing the habit of brushing her teeth every night. they say after 21 days, you can develop a habit, good or bad. i tried taking vitamins at one point during college, convinced i needed the nutrients and crap. i took them at the same time, every day. after two months i ran out. i didn't feel an urge to get another bottle. i didn't feel sad about missing my daily dose of Centrum. i just stopped.

good habits or bad. my good habit of late is comminicating--i'm wanting to dissect and discuss things that previously i didn't want to consider. but i want to make sure that we're doing it in a more open manner--i feel i had to dig to get to the bottom of why dan was feeling rejected. perhaps i should have just known...but if i had known, i never would have done it. does that follow?

my bad habit of late is coffee, and lack of exercise, and stress. probably what's curtailing my sleeping habits. if i stopped with the coffee after say, two in the afternoon, and maybe started walking after work, i might be in a better place. but i get bored with walking. i feel like i need the coffee to stay afloat. it does clear my brain some, to drink it. it clears my brain to walk. i could probably try replacing coffee with walking. it'd be healthier. it'd be safer for my blood pressure. i could try walking the cats, because that would never get boring... (;

whenever i don't get enough sleep, i feel like i'm an accident waiting to happen. and i know that the next week is going to be a busy one, filled with all kinds of ups and downs--picking little sara up at the airport on tuesday around 5 am. the memorial service thursday, funeral friday. hopefully some spygame on friday night. i feel like this was the weekend during which i was supposed to bank up my sleep, so that i felt rested later.

the snow is melting outside. i can see big chunks of ice forming on the patio, where i walked on friday to fill the birdfeeder, aka kitty cable. the cats are sleeping at exact opposite ends of the couch; shiva, who stared me into wakefulness this morning, is keeping one eye on henry, who doesn't seem to care and is sprawled out, eyes half-shut. i wonder if cats ever feel they've slept enough.