it's in the details...

dan was talking in his blog (www.wastedscenes.blogspot.com) about being bipolar today, about being aware of how you're reviewing the world around you based on what's going on inside you.

i guess i haven't taken a look at my own inner workings and how they affect my eyesight and processing speed (to sound like a real geek here and liken myself to a computer...yay technology...)

i know how i flavor the world--lots of times it's rose colored because i don't want to think about the negative aspects of it. at the same time, i think that the negativity has to exist to balance the positivity. you cannot have sun without somewhere having shade.

and therein lies my problem--i'm trying to become more aware of seeing the whole picture. being diagnosed w/ add has not changed anything in my life, except for being more aware of how i attempt to scale the earth.

everyone comes at it with different tools and different ideas, and different motivations. my problem lots of times is that i am so focused on the minutae that i cannot see what i am climbing. i can see and smell and touch the moss in front of my face, but the mountain...too big.

details, details, details.

i think that's why i cannot complete so many projects--i get so caught up in the details and in seeing the balance between them that i get lost. i get confused.

it's like having the stop sign in front of you, but not stopping because all you can see is how red the sign is. you're not seeing what the sign SAYS. you're seeing the sign just as another peice of landscape to be inspected. if i focus on how this affects my life, i can see that it has a somewhat
detrimental effect on how i see things.

i used to drift into pity parties about walking in the woods because dan didn't want to go. he wants to have a goal in mind. i'm happy just walking along and BEING and absorbing all the
little things i see--leaves glistening with leftover rain, sprouts pushing past ground cover, the smell of soil...i need to look up and combine both aspects of thought--i need to find the balance between the details and the picture.

i need to read the stop sign and appreciate its color at the same time.

easier said than done. (;

dan's going through a lot of pruning right now, trying to decide how to lead his life, what roots need to be pulled up, what needs tending--ie, the Big Picture. he's dealing with the if that is serena. i'm dealing with the same issues. my whole thing is that you can be a friend to someone even if they're not being a friend to you.

it's in the details.

see, i have this quilt sitting upstairs, unfinished, in a black plastic bag. i'd like to finish it and send it to serena, so that i know it's finished and received. but i've no idea of where i'm at on her list of things to do, and she's not quite at the top of mine, to be blunt, but that's mainly because i have this niggling disbelief that she'd ever be willing to TALK about any of what happened, and it doesn't feel like she's exactly caring about me or dan. she's exempted herself from the bad parts version of being a friend.

since i get so focused on the details, it's difficult for me to think of the larger view, and yet sometimes, easier. i would like to work through these things and understand them--it could make me a better person, and in talking about them, i think her, too; the only reason i know this with certainty is because it seems to be working between dan and i.

i have forgiven; now i want to see where i'm going, and i've been living in fog and murk for a long time. so i have to either ask for directions--therapy, friends, advice, writing, talking that's been amazing and healing and eye-opening--or i have to plunge ahead all by my lonesome. i can't do that. in therapy i'm learning that the best way to deal with thoughts and feelings and emotions and roadblocks is to actually deal with them, instead of hiding until it seems to be gone.

that's like waiting for the waters to recede in louisianna. yes, the storm rolled through, but there's people down there cleaning, and there's people who aren't going back. everyone makes decisions--but decisions, i can tell you, are never final until the fat lady sings.

i haven't heard her yet, but then again, i'm kinda short on hearing. (;

as i get bogged in the what if's version of the future, i have to live NOW--and now, she's not talking, which has been a very, very important step in comprehension and healing. actions speak louder than words--by editing herself out of this part of my life, she has snapped the ties that bind friends together. her prior actions hurt--sometimes they still do--and so do dan's. the difference is that he WANTS to fix and work on repairing and rebuilding our friendship. i get the distinct feeling that serena does not. i'm more hurt by what she's doing now than i think i am about what happened before. no use crying over spilt milk, but someone has to clean it up. while i have effort--dan--living in my house, i have lack of effort--serena--embodied in a bag upstairs, in the form of a quilt.

dan's answered every probing and painful question that jogs through my distracted head. that, in my mind, is friendship--being open and honest, being willing to explore the dark parts together, and take joy in the happiness, too, and help each other through those times when you need a hand. i feel abandoned by serena's actions--i made effort to build a bridge, but to me, it feels as though she has walked away and is ignoring that bridge.

anne frank's quote sticks in my gears: "Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart."

if i share this belief, and feel that being a friend is more important than having a friend, do i finish the quilt, which still has a lot of details to be worked out? or do i deliver the bag to the thrift store and call it quits? how long do i wait for her to be willing to even open a line of discussion? can i live with being her friend, if she is willing to talk to me but not dan, with whom she appeared to be MUCH better friends?

her definition of friend is different than mine; this i can accept, because everyone has their own head and ideals to form. but in the end, if this is how she wants to be involved in my life--running away at the first sign of trauma--i feel a need to know what kind of friend she has been, and what kind of friend she is willing to be.

i'll hold out hope that perhaps things can change. i've changed, dan's changed--perhaps serena is changing too, in her self-imposed chrysalis.

it's again...in the details.

all that said and thought, i have a busy-ish weekend ahead of me. i'm off to breakfast with dan shortly, then this afternoon i'll be running a few errands and getting ready for a friend to come by around 430. we're collecting friend #3, having dinner and then going to see--yes, i'm still in disbelief as well--CIRQUE DU SOLIEL!!!!!!!!!! i am SO jazzed about this.

tomorrow we're off to see serenity again--if you haven't been to it yet, get thee hence! it ROCKS! and nathan fillion is HOTT--apologies to dan, who has a nicer ass. LOL his rendition of mal totally reminds me of harrison ford in the early star wars films--hott, i tell you, hott.

it's totally a gamer movie. (; which is perhaps why all the gamers we know are returning for a viewing, if possible. LOL

DETAILED hugs to all and sundry--k(: