day is done

i'm rootless and wandering
gypsy woman i close my eyes and everywhere
is
home
nowhere is welcoming
and yet i belong
all over.

***

the dr was, to say the least, refreshing. she didn't do a full exam, which was nice. listened to what i had going on and made the astute observation that it really hasn't been long enough to judge, as far as the "female" problems go. so for now, birth control, to keep my cycles in order, and hopefully to cut down both on time of cycle and severity. i'm sick of being sick every other two weeks--cranky, bitchy, whiny, crampy, bloated, all around olympic caliber p.m.s. so that will be nice, once i figure out these pills.

i never went on the pill before. was on depo provera but hated it, except for the fact that i didn't have a cycle at all. that was nice. but i didn't feel right, and there's no way to explain it other than that.

so for now, monitor.

blood pressure was still up, but not as horrible as last time i was in. yay.. the dr said that my depression could be amplified by the meds for the blood pressure...so another wait and see. she did not want to medicate for the depression right away; VERY relieved. i'm on enough meds now. don't need another at the moment. she gave me a referral to the mental health unit, which will ask questions and then set me up with someone who might be able to help me.

so another step in the right direction. i think.

i'm just facing now the work that comes with trying to fix your life. i have to start walking every day. i have to start taking my blood pressure on a regular basis. i have to take more tablets. which doesn't seem like much if you're on them, but when you're just starting...it's a bit much. i have to see a therapist, and see if i can get my life in order.

maybe then, when i am accustomed to being healthier and feeling better, maybe then i can proceed with other areas of my life.

for months now dan has been telling me that i should have gone back to school to be a vet tech. maybe i should. or at least look into what is required. and then make a decision. i think back to when i was in high school and college and think about how much i wanted to be a veterenarian, and how i discounted the whole thing due to math. and then i think about my day to day workload, and how much of it is math, and how perhaps this is life's way of showing me that i've got nothing to fear and nothing to lose.

but sometimes it is hard to see the lessons life is offering, when you're so closed off that you can no longer see them.

i have to admit, i am lonely down here. i seem to have lost my boyfriend, and my best friend, and it feels like it's because i don't have the system requirements to keep up. serena's out west; cari's up north, and cathy goes to bed ten minutes ago. tangee has a child; tish is kind of a tv nut. i miss my girlfriends, and i miss having people to hang out with and communicate with, too. i can't afford a better computer now, so i guess it's just a matter of making do with what i have. just tired of making do. i hear dan and serena talking--the tapping of keys online--behind me, and i feel so far out of the loop that i cannot describe it.

it isn't that i don't have friends; i know i do, and i know, from the outpouring of support lately, that they are there---AND THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE FOR ME, ALL OF YOU! i just wish everyone were closer, so that a cup of coffee didn't have to be planned out two weeks in advance. i guess i need someone else in the area who is a) awake b) cheap and c) easily amused. LOL in retrospect, i moved here, so i guess it's up to me to find this person.

it's just another one of my molehill-mountains.

lucky for me, the shepherd's pie is almost done, and then it' s off to bed. day is done. one step closer, to something.