i wish i could say with all authority that i had a good weekend. saturday was fun--picked up rene from the airport, had lunch, saw pics of new york. sunday was my cousin's fiancee's wedding shower--so i got to see my mom, my aunt, my just-married cousin and about 10 friends of my aunt's. it was fun and the weather was perfect.
my cousin shelly, however, and her daughter lauren, weren't there. my aunt was concerned so she called shelly.
after the shower, when it was just my mom and aunt and my cousin, my aunt revealed that shelly's sister, my cousin donna, had been in the hospital again this weekend. her intestines shut down. the doctors restarted them, but shelly had spent pretty much the whole weekend in bed with donna.
standing on the warm front lawn yesterday my aunt said, she's such a fighter. i just don't know how much longer she can fight.
i cried most of the way home.
***
it's not like i know donna well--but she's my cousin, older by probably 10 years or so, and she has the most beautiful smile.
when i was a kid, i remember staying at her parent's house over christmas--it was only a few blocks from my grandma's house, which was chock full to the seams, and shelly and donna weren't home that year. i got to sleep in shelly's room, if i remember correctly. shelly had a waterbed--something i'd never slept on--and the door to her room wasn't shut all the way. i fell asleep listening to my parents and aunt and uncle drink coffee and smoke, and laugh, and staring at shelly's graduation picture on the wall.
i was probably about nine and wanted to grow up now now now--for various reasons, i didn't want to be a child any longer--anyway when you're nine you dream of being like whoever it is in your life that is your dream. shelly and donna were my dreams. i wanted to have donna's feathered blonde hair and shelly's ready laugh. i wanted the independence i dreamt they were exploring--and they were, i'm sure of it.
my sisters and i would play dress-up in my family's basement. our most common play theme was being on a ship that was marooned--i'm fairly certain that came from watching "swiss family robinson" a few too many times. sometimes we'd mix it up and play that we were in college--sharing a room, going to class, dressing up for a dance. that was an idea that stemmed directly from me wanting so badly to be older and prettier and not me--i wanted to be donna or shelly, pretty and independent and strong.
of course life goes on. you forget these things. you forget longing for your frizzy red hair to be white-blonde, and your strange hazel eyes to turn some color--brown, green, blue, pick one. you grow up and forget who your role models were when you were younger.
***
last weekend was my other cousin's wedding--tis the season, i suppose. this was my cousin chris--donna and shelly's younger brother. donna's been going through chemo for so long that i honestly cannot remember when she was not fighting that insiduous second being, cancer.
she'd just had chemo that week, but she was there. her smile was the same--bright and shiny, despite being weak and tired. she's lost her hair, but she has a great wig, one she calls her "candy" wig, that's a dark brown and makes her blue eyes that much more blue.
when i hugged her i could feel how terribly thin she's become. during the actual ceremony i saw her and her husband clinging to each other--listening to the vows, watching as her little brother became a husband.
i remember when donna and biz got married--nearly 20 years ago now, i think. you cannot know in the ensuing years what will happen. they have two children, a house, a dog, jobs and lives, and this thing, this cancer, has entered into their lives and changed everything. it's an unwanted guest, one that just will not leave.
but she was smiling. despite being in a great deal of pain--the kind that necessitates massive doses of drugs, and still lingers--she was smiling.
i realized while standing there that the strength and independence and beauty for which i longed when i was younger was still there--made stronger over time. your heroes when you're young grow up too--but they don't have to stop being your heroes.
months and months ago they made bracelets--a royal blue color--with donna's motto on it: believe always. i haven't worn it in a long time, but i recall it often. in the same way i think of my uncle jed and his saying, "little by slow." i look at my own life--the small hills and valleys through which i travel, the complaints that fill my days--and they are tiny compared to the paths donna and jed have traveled. miniscule compared to the paths of others on this planet.
i realized long ago that i would never have donna's blonde hair, feathered and falling neatly. she no longer has her hair, either. but the inner core of her--the strength and independence that i saw, years ago, and longed for--that is still there.
Monday, September 22, 2008
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
cool
it's finally becoming autumn, and i'm quite thankful for that. i'm not a summer person, not by a long shot. in fact just a few weeks ago i had an epiphany while talking to my sister. we were discussing a family gathering, perhaps camping.
sister: well, we can't go camping in march. maybe we could all stay at a cabin or something. but then it might still be too cold out to do anything outside.
me: too cold?
it was then that i realized that i see temperature in exactly the opposite fashion of my sister, and probably the better part of humanity, too.
there's just something about summer--the humidity, the heat, how it's so terribly bright outside when the sun's up--that makes me cringe, in the same way that my sister cringes when the wind bites her cheeks.
i don't even know why i love the cold so very much, but i can hazard a few guesses. cold, to me, feels clean. it is tidy and neat and precise in ways that humidity can never be--and ways that i will never be, either. i think of winter and i think of walking outside when there's that tang of snow in the air, hearing the geese escape to southern areas while the wind picks up and the sun sinks. i think of bare branches, stark against pale sky, and the crunch of millions and millions of crystalline bits of angular water beneath my boots.
there is so very much to love. it's not only the outside, either. it's coming in from the cold, being accepted into the heat of one's home. your cheeks--so red and wind-chapped that they're nearly solid--slowly warming. hot cocoa and stews, biscuits hot from the oven, a warm cat and a blanket and a book.
as i type our patio door is open, and there's a small, chill breeze blowing through the house. it's making me smile, this bit of wind.
i know part of the reason i enjoy it so much is the extremes. the house is always warm and outside is always cold enough to make your teeth hurt. those same extremes are present in summer--at least in my house they are--but they're backwards. it's cold inside and hot outside--muggy and bright with lazy sunshine. i've not hing against sun, mind--but i burn so easy that it makes shade and darkness my haven.
in minnesota in the winter the sun is a fleeing guest, running across the southern sky, barely saying hello before it's murmuring goodbye. maybe that is what i love--the feeling of being hidden, in winter. the solitude of the woods, when no one else is poking about--because it's too cold.
personally, i've yet to meet too cold. but i'm a bit odd, i spose.
sister: well, we can't go camping in march. maybe we could all stay at a cabin or something. but then it might still be too cold out to do anything outside.
me: too cold?
it was then that i realized that i see temperature in exactly the opposite fashion of my sister, and probably the better part of humanity, too.
there's just something about summer--the humidity, the heat, how it's so terribly bright outside when the sun's up--that makes me cringe, in the same way that my sister cringes when the wind bites her cheeks.
i don't even know why i love the cold so very much, but i can hazard a few guesses. cold, to me, feels clean. it is tidy and neat and precise in ways that humidity can never be--and ways that i will never be, either. i think of winter and i think of walking outside when there's that tang of snow in the air, hearing the geese escape to southern areas while the wind picks up and the sun sinks. i think of bare branches, stark against pale sky, and the crunch of millions and millions of crystalline bits of angular water beneath my boots.
there is so very much to love. it's not only the outside, either. it's coming in from the cold, being accepted into the heat of one's home. your cheeks--so red and wind-chapped that they're nearly solid--slowly warming. hot cocoa and stews, biscuits hot from the oven, a warm cat and a blanket and a book.
as i type our patio door is open, and there's a small, chill breeze blowing through the house. it's making me smile, this bit of wind.
i know part of the reason i enjoy it so much is the extremes. the house is always warm and outside is always cold enough to make your teeth hurt. those same extremes are present in summer--at least in my house they are--but they're backwards. it's cold inside and hot outside--muggy and bright with lazy sunshine. i've not hing against sun, mind--but i burn so easy that it makes shade and darkness my haven.
in minnesota in the winter the sun is a fleeing guest, running across the southern sky, barely saying hello before it's murmuring goodbye. maybe that is what i love--the feeling of being hidden, in winter. the solitude of the woods, when no one else is poking about--because it's too cold.
personally, i've yet to meet too cold. but i'm a bit odd, i spose.
Saturday, September 06, 2008
comfort in odd places
there are weeks that go by in which my day job overtakes my life. this past month has been no exception. by the time i arrive home all i want are--and in this order--a pair of comfy pants, a less-confining bra, a old, worn t-shirt, and a tall glass of cold milk.
then it's hugs from man, and cuddles from cat, and a book opened in my lap.
of late it's been all i can to do read anything other than pd james. years ago one of my well-intentioned aunts gave me a paper sack filled with mysteries and other assorted books. this was when i was about twelve, give or take, and completely bored with what i was reading. it's been twenty years since then, and i've no clue of what your average twelve-year-old reads these days, but to give you an idea of where i was at:
when dad went away on work he'd come back with these little nancy drew books -- case files. they were interesting and held my attention for their time span...about an hour. my parents are not big readers, and those books he brought as gifts were the only books i owned well into my teens. (along with an astrology book. don't ask. or maybe later.)
one night when my parents were out at their bowling league i discovered a copy of james michener's hawaii downstairs, on a shelf with a book penned by lee iaccoca webster's dictionary, and an atlas. i gobbled that up like a starving child and by the time bowling was done, convinced myself that i was a leper.
i think it was the summer afterward that my aunt gave me the bag. it was white paper with these twisted paper handles -- nothing like that at our house, as it came from herberger's, and heaven forbid we shop anywhere above k-mart. the bag alone was a treat and i remember treating it as if it were made of ivory, and not fiber.
anyway, in the bag was a pile of pd james, martha grimes, one dorothy sayers, jean auel's clan of the cave bear, and stephen king's the eyes of the dragon. there were also a few lillian jackson braun books in there--what my aunt called "popcorn," since they were quick reads.
i've seen movies in which people open chests of gold, and it shines back in their faces like the sun. that was me, with this heap of ink.
that fall we moved, and my mother, who encouraged library usage, found herself ferrying us to the library more and more often. i was careful to choose enough books to tide me over until the pile was due, and then i'd inveigle myself into the suburban when mom went to work, and take the bus from there to the library.
i motored my way through every mystery i could find. the following year i wanted to impress a boy on whom i had a horrid crush, and when i saw him reading piers anthony's a spell for chameleon, i found that in the library, too.
as a reader i was fearless. in books i could escape and adventure ever so safely, while in reality i was the red-headed, slightly plump target for schoolyard bullies. i was afraid of everything outside of those pages, and yet those pages were what showed me things so much more horrific than my own petty scares.
***
bees have long been a phobia--that heavy buzz, the thick abodomen. there is something about a bee that raises alarm in me. there's no reason for my fear, since i love flowers and fruits and honey, and bees are somewhat integral to those items. over time i've squelched my greatest of those fears, however, and can remain seated, if with thudding heart, when one swings close.
there is one other bug, however, that i cannot stand.
the other day i was in the downstairs bathroom when i saw something moving across the floorboards. at first i thought it was a mouse, and laughed at the thought of my two sedentary cats trying their paw at catching it. then i realized it was an insect of some kind, and gradually realized it was a centipede.
when i was a kid we had centipedes all over the house in wisconsin, until dad sprayed insecticide. you had to check your shoes before you put them on, etc. nasty things. either way, they've been part of my fears as long as i can recall.
and i was stuck in the bathroom with this beastie.
for a good long second i didn't move, as if like the dinosaur in jurassic park the insect would not see me, if i did not move. it sped under the door and was gone.
i found a bottle of windex and, thus prepped, opened the door, fully expecting to see it flowing across the white linoleum. but it wasn't there. it was climbing swiftly up the door.
after a great deal of histrionic gasping and shouting, during which my cats stared at me in terror, i was able to subdue the thing with the bottom of the windex bottle and a puddle of blue liquid, and it was subsequently flushed.
in the end i resolved to conquer my fear by overload. for an hour i read online about how to rid the house of these pests, and how they actually were fairly beneficial: as carnivores, they scour your floors for other bugs, and have no interest in humanity.
***
my latest pd james is "the maul and the pear tree," a co-written account of two brutal murders in 1811 london, nearly eighty years before a man stalked whitechapel and made a name for himself with a knife.
the murders are shocking in their own right--the marrs and their three-month-old baby and servant boy, and the williamsons and their servant--but worse is reading them and knowing that the powers of detection at the disposal of regency police was so terribly...minimal.
the prime suspect in the murders was never able to be actually questioned at the inquest; he hung himself, thereby cementing any doubts that he was guilty.
heaven forbid that he was not.
either way, it reminded me of how different things are, two hundred-and-some years down the line. it reminded me of how terrified i am--this grown woman, nearly hopping onto her coffee table to avoid an insect smaller than a quarter. i feel nearly desensitized to the horrors that await me within a novel's pages, but that one scurrying creature turns me into a child of twelve again, gasping for air as my mother hands me a paper bag.
perhaps lately i crave that delicious English rhythm of pd james. i don't know. books are comforting to me in ways that i cannot explain. when in stress i turn to a select few, again and again. lately work has been stress--which is why i put my hands on james' detective dalgliesh and take comfort.
then it's hugs from man, and cuddles from cat, and a book opened in my lap.
of late it's been all i can to do read anything other than pd james. years ago one of my well-intentioned aunts gave me a paper sack filled with mysteries and other assorted books. this was when i was about twelve, give or take, and completely bored with what i was reading. it's been twenty years since then, and i've no clue of what your average twelve-year-old reads these days, but to give you an idea of where i was at:
when dad went away on work he'd come back with these little nancy drew books -- case files. they were interesting and held my attention for their time span...about an hour. my parents are not big readers, and those books he brought as gifts were the only books i owned well into my teens. (along with an astrology book. don't ask. or maybe later.)
one night when my parents were out at their bowling league i discovered a copy of james michener's hawaii downstairs, on a shelf with a book penned by lee iaccoca webster's dictionary, and an atlas. i gobbled that up like a starving child and by the time bowling was done, convinced myself that i was a leper.
i think it was the summer afterward that my aunt gave me the bag. it was white paper with these twisted paper handles -- nothing like that at our house, as it came from herberger's, and heaven forbid we shop anywhere above k-mart. the bag alone was a treat and i remember treating it as if it were made of ivory, and not fiber.
anyway, in the bag was a pile of pd james, martha grimes, one dorothy sayers, jean auel's clan of the cave bear, and stephen king's the eyes of the dragon. there were also a few lillian jackson braun books in there--what my aunt called "popcorn," since they were quick reads.
i've seen movies in which people open chests of gold, and it shines back in their faces like the sun. that was me, with this heap of ink.
that fall we moved, and my mother, who encouraged library usage, found herself ferrying us to the library more and more often. i was careful to choose enough books to tide me over until the pile was due, and then i'd inveigle myself into the suburban when mom went to work, and take the bus from there to the library.
i motored my way through every mystery i could find. the following year i wanted to impress a boy on whom i had a horrid crush, and when i saw him reading piers anthony's a spell for chameleon, i found that in the library, too.
as a reader i was fearless. in books i could escape and adventure ever so safely, while in reality i was the red-headed, slightly plump target for schoolyard bullies. i was afraid of everything outside of those pages, and yet those pages were what showed me things so much more horrific than my own petty scares.
***
bees have long been a phobia--that heavy buzz, the thick abodomen. there is something about a bee that raises alarm in me. there's no reason for my fear, since i love flowers and fruits and honey, and bees are somewhat integral to those items. over time i've squelched my greatest of those fears, however, and can remain seated, if with thudding heart, when one swings close.
there is one other bug, however, that i cannot stand.
the other day i was in the downstairs bathroom when i saw something moving across the floorboards. at first i thought it was a mouse, and laughed at the thought of my two sedentary cats trying their paw at catching it. then i realized it was an insect of some kind, and gradually realized it was a centipede.
when i was a kid we had centipedes all over the house in wisconsin, until dad sprayed insecticide. you had to check your shoes before you put them on, etc. nasty things. either way, they've been part of my fears as long as i can recall.
and i was stuck in the bathroom with this beastie.
for a good long second i didn't move, as if like the dinosaur in jurassic park the insect would not see me, if i did not move. it sped under the door and was gone.
i found a bottle of windex and, thus prepped, opened the door, fully expecting to see it flowing across the white linoleum. but it wasn't there. it was climbing swiftly up the door.
after a great deal of histrionic gasping and shouting, during which my cats stared at me in terror, i was able to subdue the thing with the bottom of the windex bottle and a puddle of blue liquid, and it was subsequently flushed.
in the end i resolved to conquer my fear by overload. for an hour i read online about how to rid the house of these pests, and how they actually were fairly beneficial: as carnivores, they scour your floors for other bugs, and have no interest in humanity.
***
my latest pd james is "the maul and the pear tree," a co-written account of two brutal murders in 1811 london, nearly eighty years before a man stalked whitechapel and made a name for himself with a knife.
the murders are shocking in their own right--the marrs and their three-month-old baby and servant boy, and the williamsons and their servant--but worse is reading them and knowing that the powers of detection at the disposal of regency police was so terribly...minimal.
the prime suspect in the murders was never able to be actually questioned at the inquest; he hung himself, thereby cementing any doubts that he was guilty.
heaven forbid that he was not.
either way, it reminded me of how different things are, two hundred-and-some years down the line. it reminded me of how terrified i am--this grown woman, nearly hopping onto her coffee table to avoid an insect smaller than a quarter. i feel nearly desensitized to the horrors that await me within a novel's pages, but that one scurrying creature turns me into a child of twelve again, gasping for air as my mother hands me a paper bag.
perhaps lately i crave that delicious English rhythm of pd james. i don't know. books are comforting to me in ways that i cannot explain. when in stress i turn to a select few, again and again. lately work has been stress--which is why i put my hands on james' detective dalgliesh and take comfort.
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