i'm dressed in my sunday best right now: shorts and a ratty t-shirt that has no idea that it's going to be an accomplice to cleaning. a lot. and a pair of slippers from target-boutique that say bad kitty on them.
as mom would say, i'm not dressed fit for a dogfight.
which is fine, because today i get to hang out for a while with sno-bowl, the works, and windex. very unsavory characters, let me tell you what.
and then i'm going to maybe finish watching blues brothers, because i started last night and was so tired that i gave up and went to bed. i think my apathy towards the movie was based solely on the fact that i was pulling a rip van winkle on the sofa. who knows.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Saturday, February 26, 2005
sleeeeeeeeeeeeeepy kim
so last night we went over to the savagedorm and gamed until the wee hours of the morning.
mainly the wee hours because we got there around 630, took a while to prep for dinner, and then ate and got situated, and started around 8 or 830. lunchmeat got home around 10 or so, and around 1030 the neighbor lady drove home and noticed that corpse's back driver side window had a large hole in it.
this lead to the following: cathy, patrolling the street and inspecting said vehicle with her maglite, in very police-proper fashion. dan quoting corpse on how much it would cost to repair the window. and darin cutting a plexiglass peice to fit the window. this was all before the cop arrived to report it. god only knows who broke the window. at any other house corpse probably would've ended up with some duct tape and cardboard. by the time darin and i finished with the duct tape, if you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd have no idea that there wasn't glass there. *sigh*
when the cop did get there (before the actual "installation"), we'd checked other cars on the street and ascertained that his was the only one hit. the cop pulls up and makes sure that yes, the group of six standing outside at midnight is indeed the household and car in question. because everyone stands outside shivering in mn; why go in and warm up? he could get there any minute and you don't want to inconvenience someone, now do you? (;
darin and corpse walk out to the car. the cop rolls down his window and asks whose car it is; corpse affirms it's his. then he asks: so, do i have any warrants out for my arrest?
he said it loud enough that the peanut gallery in the driveway could hear, and at that point we got the giggles. better yet, after we'd taped and vacuumed and swept up the glass and were back in the house and getting back into the spygame, corpse said that when he asked, the cop looked.
too much.
we got home around i think 230 or so, after a rollicking good time, and then i just couldn't sleep. this morning i had to get my butt over to the dmv to get my license renewed, but after i got up i dawdled and poked around at used cars online, found one i wanted to test drive and within ten minutes of emailing the dealership in question, had an appointment. after waiting at the dmv and getting a new picture and being told that my vision is fine (thank the gods they don't check hearing LOL) i came home, collected dan and we headed up to wayzata.
it was a nice dealership--village chevrolet, for anyone watching. a nice no-pressure place. which is good, because i DESPISE pushy salesfolk. ewwie. we drove a cute little subaru impreza hatchback and i liked immensely due to the hatchback, which is the height of practicality for me, myself and i. i had immediate visions of rummage saling in the spring. *dreamy sigh, ususally reserved for christian bale but applied today to the ultimate practicality of a hatchback...*
of course i'm thinking on it. and i'm sure by monday, when i'm thinking that yes, i want a mechanic to peek and let me know what's wrong with it, it'll be history. but i got up there and i drove it. and that's what counts. i drove a subaru, and i liked it. LOL small steps for humanity, in fact maybe just glances in a direction for humanity...but giant leaps for kimbo the destroyer. i'm hoping they'll take my car as a trade, and if so, hoping after that that i can get a cd player popped in so that the car will be useful to me. wink wink, nudge nudge. could i live without my cd player? how pampered am i?
oy.
anyway i'm running on about 4.5 hours of sleep and it's far too lovely out to not go outside so i'm off for a walk in the woods. possibly after ordering a digital camera from my incentive site online.
so far so good. off to the races. also off towards a cupcake, which sounds divinely awful for my hips right now. (:
mainly the wee hours because we got there around 630, took a while to prep for dinner, and then ate and got situated, and started around 8 or 830. lunchmeat got home around 10 or so, and around 1030 the neighbor lady drove home and noticed that corpse's back driver side window had a large hole in it.
this lead to the following: cathy, patrolling the street and inspecting said vehicle with her maglite, in very police-proper fashion. dan quoting corpse on how much it would cost to repair the window. and darin cutting a plexiglass peice to fit the window. this was all before the cop arrived to report it. god only knows who broke the window. at any other house corpse probably would've ended up with some duct tape and cardboard. by the time darin and i finished with the duct tape, if you didn't know what you were looking for, you'd have no idea that there wasn't glass there. *sigh*
when the cop did get there (before the actual "installation"), we'd checked other cars on the street and ascertained that his was the only one hit. the cop pulls up and makes sure that yes, the group of six standing outside at midnight is indeed the household and car in question. because everyone stands outside shivering in mn; why go in and warm up? he could get there any minute and you don't want to inconvenience someone, now do you? (;
darin and corpse walk out to the car. the cop rolls down his window and asks whose car it is; corpse affirms it's his. then he asks: so, do i have any warrants out for my arrest?
he said it loud enough that the peanut gallery in the driveway could hear, and at that point we got the giggles. better yet, after we'd taped and vacuumed and swept up the glass and were back in the house and getting back into the spygame, corpse said that when he asked, the cop looked.
too much.
we got home around i think 230 or so, after a rollicking good time, and then i just couldn't sleep. this morning i had to get my butt over to the dmv to get my license renewed, but after i got up i dawdled and poked around at used cars online, found one i wanted to test drive and within ten minutes of emailing the dealership in question, had an appointment. after waiting at the dmv and getting a new picture and being told that my vision is fine (thank the gods they don't check hearing LOL) i came home, collected dan and we headed up to wayzata.
it was a nice dealership--village chevrolet, for anyone watching. a nice no-pressure place. which is good, because i DESPISE pushy salesfolk. ewwie. we drove a cute little subaru impreza hatchback and i liked immensely due to the hatchback, which is the height of practicality for me, myself and i. i had immediate visions of rummage saling in the spring. *dreamy sigh, ususally reserved for christian bale but applied today to the ultimate practicality of a hatchback...*
of course i'm thinking on it. and i'm sure by monday, when i'm thinking that yes, i want a mechanic to peek and let me know what's wrong with it, it'll be history. but i got up there and i drove it. and that's what counts. i drove a subaru, and i liked it. LOL small steps for humanity, in fact maybe just glances in a direction for humanity...but giant leaps for kimbo the destroyer. i'm hoping they'll take my car as a trade, and if so, hoping after that that i can get a cd player popped in so that the car will be useful to me. wink wink, nudge nudge. could i live without my cd player? how pampered am i?
oy.
anyway i'm running on about 4.5 hours of sleep and it's far too lovely out to not go outside so i'm off for a walk in the woods. possibly after ordering a digital camera from my incentive site online.
so far so good. off to the races. also off towards a cupcake, which sounds divinely awful for my hips right now. (:
Thursday, February 24, 2005
almost, almost, almost...
friday.
it's so close i can see it, if i stand on my tippy-toes.
time has just been tripping by, the last weeks. i was all excited last week because it seemed as if a new car was within reach; and now this week i've been handed an empty envelope, as the guy whose number i was given to call has a fax machine for a phone. i keep forgetting to fax him a note saying, hey, jeremy, what the fuck? so maybe i'll email myself later.
last week i ended up driving to the vortex again. i know, pretty often for a two-month time span. but sunday was v-day for cari, and i wanted to be there as if nothing else a distraction.
it ended up being something of a reminder and healing experience for me. on top of being all pms-y and weepy, i made a promise to myself that if i got to bemidji before noon i'd go for a walk in the state park, one of my favorite and most familiar places to walk.
it so happened that i arrived around 1130, so i parked in the parking lot of the country club, wrapped boots around my feet, and tromped off with camera in hand into the woods.
i haven't been in the woods for a while. i think it's something that's so sacred for me, combined with so comforting, that being in unfamiliar woods down here, with planes grumbling overhead and the tang of highway just a stone's throw away, doesn't allow me to remove myself enough from the mundanity of life.
i could hear the whiz of snowmobiles out on the lake, the silence unbroken by shouts or anything. i'm not sure if all the men fishing have that deep understanding of silence; maybe it was just the brightness of the sun, the cold cold air, sucking breath from lungs. the snow made that lovely crunching sound underneath my boots, blocking out any noises that might exist, save the chitter of a few squirrels.
for a good hour and a half i just was at home in the woods. lost myself in the smell of crushed pine, the swoop of a bird, leftover snow falling in great clumps from tree boughs as a chipmunk skittered through. i was hoping, on the last leg of the walk, to see the does that i often encountered while rambling. three does--i always imagined the trinity they shared, maiden-mother-crone. the three fates, three pairs of hands holding thread. i loved seeing their slender necks turn, ears perk, tails swish. by that last leg i'd seen all kinds of tracks--deer, raccoon, dog, some kind of cat, squirrel, rabbit, and the tiny, tiny delicate indentations of a mouse, which ends up being two little dips and a swoosh of tail. adorable, and admirable to walk barefoot in so chill a climate.
on that last leg i was missing my walks so intensely that i just wanted to sit down and cry. i long for the woods so much some times that i think maybe there's something flawed in me--i'd much rather be out in the woods, soaking up earth, than anywhere. it's like finding your favorite pair of old, worn shoes, slipping them on and just knowing that they fit every inch of your foot, cradle your step.
when i was a kid, seeing a deer was something of a religious experience for our family; someone would point one out, and we'd all freeze and just watch, and be watched. that's something i have always carried, dad's reverence for the natural world, and his great respect for living things, the space he gave them and the silence he offered to them, his only gift.
i looked up and across the road, directly across the path from me, were those does, eyes focused on me, ears hearing my heart thud around like that favorite shoe in the drier. it felt like a gift, a divinely wrapped and given gift.
i stood there, weeping, for a good ten minutes. feeling both bereft and healed, in some way. i thanked everyone i could.
some things you have to accept. some things are just meant to be. if i'd lingered longer on the beach, i'd have missed them.
i've been trying for a long time now to come to terms with where i am, to understand why i have been put here. four deer in the woods do not solve a lifetime of unanswered questions; they don't solve things. they solidify; they remind. i remembered the joy i had, walking in the woods, the comfort unasked the trees offered. i remembered the feel of my pockets weighed down by stones picked to make runes, sharp blue crab claws clinging to frozen sand. the feel of wind so hard on my cheeks that i almost, almost, almost wanted a scarf. bottomless sky, in a bowl over my head broken only by piercing sun.
i miss all those days. the whole time i was thinking: do i have to miss this? do i have to give this up? i don't. i could find something down here, in the middle of the cities, that would fill my soul. right?
i have this feeling that i needed that moment, all those minutes, alone in the woods; i needed the gift of seeing those deer; i needed the solitude and the completeness that those woods allow me. i needed that time to make a spot inside my soul that i can visit from time to time, when i need space but cannot find it, when peace eludes me. cool water on a dry throat.
i need to give these things to myself, again. i need to gift myself with time, with space, with nature, before i wither and become a shell around that warm memory carried within.
it's so close i can see it, if i stand on my tippy-toes.
time has just been tripping by, the last weeks. i was all excited last week because it seemed as if a new car was within reach; and now this week i've been handed an empty envelope, as the guy whose number i was given to call has a fax machine for a phone. i keep forgetting to fax him a note saying, hey, jeremy, what the fuck? so maybe i'll email myself later.
last week i ended up driving to the vortex again. i know, pretty often for a two-month time span. but sunday was v-day for cari, and i wanted to be there as if nothing else a distraction.
it ended up being something of a reminder and healing experience for me. on top of being all pms-y and weepy, i made a promise to myself that if i got to bemidji before noon i'd go for a walk in the state park, one of my favorite and most familiar places to walk.
it so happened that i arrived around 1130, so i parked in the parking lot of the country club, wrapped boots around my feet, and tromped off with camera in hand into the woods.
i haven't been in the woods for a while. i think it's something that's so sacred for me, combined with so comforting, that being in unfamiliar woods down here, with planes grumbling overhead and the tang of highway just a stone's throw away, doesn't allow me to remove myself enough from the mundanity of life.
i could hear the whiz of snowmobiles out on the lake, the silence unbroken by shouts or anything. i'm not sure if all the men fishing have that deep understanding of silence; maybe it was just the brightness of the sun, the cold cold air, sucking breath from lungs. the snow made that lovely crunching sound underneath my boots, blocking out any noises that might exist, save the chitter of a few squirrels.
for a good hour and a half i just was at home in the woods. lost myself in the smell of crushed pine, the swoop of a bird, leftover snow falling in great clumps from tree boughs as a chipmunk skittered through. i was hoping, on the last leg of the walk, to see the does that i often encountered while rambling. three does--i always imagined the trinity they shared, maiden-mother-crone. the three fates, three pairs of hands holding thread. i loved seeing their slender necks turn, ears perk, tails swish. by that last leg i'd seen all kinds of tracks--deer, raccoon, dog, some kind of cat, squirrel, rabbit, and the tiny, tiny delicate indentations of a mouse, which ends up being two little dips and a swoosh of tail. adorable, and admirable to walk barefoot in so chill a climate.
on that last leg i was missing my walks so intensely that i just wanted to sit down and cry. i long for the woods so much some times that i think maybe there's something flawed in me--i'd much rather be out in the woods, soaking up earth, than anywhere. it's like finding your favorite pair of old, worn shoes, slipping them on and just knowing that they fit every inch of your foot, cradle your step.
when i was a kid, seeing a deer was something of a religious experience for our family; someone would point one out, and we'd all freeze and just watch, and be watched. that's something i have always carried, dad's reverence for the natural world, and his great respect for living things, the space he gave them and the silence he offered to them, his only gift.
i looked up and across the road, directly across the path from me, were those does, eyes focused on me, ears hearing my heart thud around like that favorite shoe in the drier. it felt like a gift, a divinely wrapped and given gift.
i stood there, weeping, for a good ten minutes. feeling both bereft and healed, in some way. i thanked everyone i could.
some things you have to accept. some things are just meant to be. if i'd lingered longer on the beach, i'd have missed them.
i've been trying for a long time now to come to terms with where i am, to understand why i have been put here. four deer in the woods do not solve a lifetime of unanswered questions; they don't solve things. they solidify; they remind. i remembered the joy i had, walking in the woods, the comfort unasked the trees offered. i remembered the feel of my pockets weighed down by stones picked to make runes, sharp blue crab claws clinging to frozen sand. the feel of wind so hard on my cheeks that i almost, almost, almost wanted a scarf. bottomless sky, in a bowl over my head broken only by piercing sun.
i miss all those days. the whole time i was thinking: do i have to miss this? do i have to give this up? i don't. i could find something down here, in the middle of the cities, that would fill my soul. right?
i have this feeling that i needed that moment, all those minutes, alone in the woods; i needed the gift of seeing those deer; i needed the solitude and the completeness that those woods allow me. i needed that time to make a spot inside my soul that i can visit from time to time, when i need space but cannot find it, when peace eludes me. cool water on a dry throat.
i need to give these things to myself, again. i need to gift myself with time, with space, with nature, before i wither and become a shell around that warm memory carried within.
Thursday, February 17, 2005
favor
don't
do me any
don't touch don't look don't prod
don't
poke
i'm tired of being
pandered
to,
tired of the little things
tired of trying and being
deflated
by life in general.
i'm not sure
what i'm hearing
the small things i think
are
help
turn out to be the nail
in
your tire.
do me any
don't touch don't look don't prod
don't
poke
i'm tired of being
pandered
to,
tired of the little things
tired of trying and being
deflated
by life in general.
i'm not sure
what i'm hearing
the small things i think
are
help
turn out to be the nail
in
your tire.
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
take me for a ride in your car, car...
ever heard that peter, paul and mary song, car car? it's quite amusing.
note to nathan: thanks for turning me on to 89.3, it's interesting to listen to--i don't think i've heard a repeat yet. although compared to 93x their morning show on the current is kinda lacking. LOL but i need a boot to the head in the morning to get going, anyway.
so today work sucked. i'm not going to elaborate because i'm tired of whining.
i know, you didn't think it was possible.
and right now i've done a few things that i never thought i'd get around to doing: emailed the car place about a few more cars, and emailed the bank about a loan, and emailed my insurance about the cost of insurance, and am now headed upstairs to clean up the upstairs room in the HIGH hopes that soon i will be able to do down dog again, in a space that's not only comfy, but doesn't force me into down dog just to pick up my knitting, and also does not make me feel like i'm playing twister to get to the window.
and my man dan found me fat free pudding. love the man.
en route to room!
note to nathan: thanks for turning me on to 89.3, it's interesting to listen to--i don't think i've heard a repeat yet. although compared to 93x their morning show on the current is kinda lacking. LOL but i need a boot to the head in the morning to get going, anyway.
so today work sucked. i'm not going to elaborate because i'm tired of whining.
i know, you didn't think it was possible.
and right now i've done a few things that i never thought i'd get around to doing: emailed the car place about a few more cars, and emailed the bank about a loan, and emailed my insurance about the cost of insurance, and am now headed upstairs to clean up the upstairs room in the HIGH hopes that soon i will be able to do down dog again, in a space that's not only comfy, but doesn't force me into down dog just to pick up my knitting, and also does not make me feel like i'm playing twister to get to the window.
and my man dan found me fat free pudding. love the man.
en route to room!
Saturday, February 12, 2005
bread for the soul
yesterday we gamed. i haven't played in a dan-run game for a while, nor have i gamed on the weekend in a while. generally i get to have fun blowing things up and/or starting them on fire every other wednesday, during eero's game, but weekday gaming somehow feels constricted by the fact that you have to get ready for work the next morning. it's harder, for me at least, to just let loose.
so it was nice to game on a friday. and i'm glad that it's not every friday, or saturday, because i really like having my weekend days to recharge and slouch around the house in an aimless to downright shambling manner.
anyway, i got home last night and my beef stew, which i'd tossed in the crockpot yesterday morning before work, was smelling divine. i'm not a big beef-eater, but for some reason i was just jonesing for beef stew, and that means that i was probably deficient in something so eat i did. tasty, it was. talking like yoda, i am. yikes.
my sister called not 15 minutes after i got home, told dan to tell me to call my dad. immediately he must have seen the panic on my face because he said, no, she said it was a good thing! so i call, and dad's got a good retirement package and is dancing for joy...yay for dad! yay for mom! yay all around!
so i get off the phone and call my sister. mind you, all the while getting out a recipe for biscuits, finding flour, etc. i call sara and we go over what great news this is. i measure flour. we talk about how wonderful it is for dad and mom. i toss in baking powder. we laugh and smile. i add pepper. we talk about getting together for dinner saturday. i measure oil. and then i realize that i've used the milk measurments (2/3 cup) for the oil (1/3 cup). to add insult, i'm already making a double batch, so i've essentially just forced my hand into making a quadruple batch.
shit.
i had to actually get off the phone before i made things worse, and then add flour and baking powder, and all the other stuff, in droves, just to get the mix correct.
biscuits turned out well, lumpy and thick and homemade. i love homemade biscuits. they feed my soul.
so it was nice to game on a friday. and i'm glad that it's not every friday, or saturday, because i really like having my weekend days to recharge and slouch around the house in an aimless to downright shambling manner.
anyway, i got home last night and my beef stew, which i'd tossed in the crockpot yesterday morning before work, was smelling divine. i'm not a big beef-eater, but for some reason i was just jonesing for beef stew, and that means that i was probably deficient in something so eat i did. tasty, it was. talking like yoda, i am. yikes.
my sister called not 15 minutes after i got home, told dan to tell me to call my dad. immediately he must have seen the panic on my face because he said, no, she said it was a good thing! so i call, and dad's got a good retirement package and is dancing for joy...yay for dad! yay for mom! yay all around!
so i get off the phone and call my sister. mind you, all the while getting out a recipe for biscuits, finding flour, etc. i call sara and we go over what great news this is. i measure flour. we talk about how wonderful it is for dad and mom. i toss in baking powder. we laugh and smile. i add pepper. we talk about getting together for dinner saturday. i measure oil. and then i realize that i've used the milk measurments (2/3 cup) for the oil (1/3 cup). to add insult, i'm already making a double batch, so i've essentially just forced my hand into making a quadruple batch.
shit.
i had to actually get off the phone before i made things worse, and then add flour and baking powder, and all the other stuff, in droves, just to get the mix correct.
biscuits turned out well, lumpy and thick and homemade. i love homemade biscuits. they feed my soul.
Thursday, February 10, 2005
few poems
still
i'm driving
rolling down a slow hill
press myself into a
stop
glance to my right, to where
the red glow of lights
plays
in a tangle of snowflakes
the bits of sky falling
i'm reminded
forcibly
of walking in the dark
cool fingers of winter
pinking my cheeks
thick snow crunching
underfoot
soughing of wind in the trees
all those things
remote
i've traveled
somewhere
else
***
layne
i catch
the grumble of your guitar
glitter mingled with lost
electricity
acoustic i hear for the first time
how melodic
it all is
how put together
when you're loud
(and i'm singing at the top of my lungs)
i miss it
the little slices
twangs and shirrs
riffs of voice
i'd call it soul
but you'd
scoff.
***
in the dark
beneath the skin
in secret dark
i listen
the drum of flesh
thumping, with my
heart
blood sings
it really does, if you listen
put your ear
to pillow, you'll hear dull
thud
thud
thud
your temple, pounding,
the dance continues
whether you're listening
or not
when i was young i thought it was
footsteps
someone creeping
down the hall
darker, darker
in the dark
beneath the skin
i'm sneaking
up
on
myself.
(thank you to a poetry class from carol-ann russell for that prompt--"in the dark beneath the skin" is a poem i've written many times, many different ways, for years.)
i'm driving
rolling down a slow hill
press myself into a
stop
glance to my right, to where
the red glow of lights
plays
in a tangle of snowflakes
the bits of sky falling
i'm reminded
forcibly
of walking in the dark
cool fingers of winter
pinking my cheeks
thick snow crunching
underfoot
soughing of wind in the trees
all those things
remote
i've traveled
somewhere
else
***
layne
i catch
the grumble of your guitar
glitter mingled with lost
electricity
acoustic i hear for the first time
how melodic
it all is
how put together
when you're loud
(and i'm singing at the top of my lungs)
i miss it
the little slices
twangs and shirrs
riffs of voice
i'd call it soul
but you'd
scoff.
***
in the dark
beneath the skin
in secret dark
i listen
the drum of flesh
thumping, with my
heart
blood sings
it really does, if you listen
put your ear
to pillow, you'll hear dull
thud
thud
thud
your temple, pounding,
the dance continues
whether you're listening
or not
when i was young i thought it was
footsteps
someone creeping
down the hall
darker, darker
in the dark
beneath the skin
i'm sneaking
up
on
myself.
(thank you to a poetry class from carol-ann russell for that prompt--"in the dark beneath the skin" is a poem i've written many times, many different ways, for years.)
Wednesday, February 09, 2005
me, myself and whine
i'm whiny this week.
i'll go out on a limb and say that this has been the whiniest week of the year, thus far.
for some reason i'm tired. i'm lacking in ANY focus. i feel like a broken microscope.
yeah, that about sums that up.
i can't blame it on anything. can't chalk it up to pms or full moon or taxes. well, taxes might fit.
i'm just whiny and anti-social. i've devolved into reading so many books that i don't know which one i read last. that's always a sign to me that i have got to get out and do something. and i have a lot to do. just need a cattle prod to get going. maybe a cheerleader with a good supply of shiraz.
perhaps just a weekend of paint fumes. (; that, and dan's spygame on friday, and the thought of a few battlestar galactica eps waiting in the wings. that show really does rock. the proverbial "they" did a superb job writing it, and the acting is outstanding. lots of nice themes, pretty pictures, arresting ideas.
there's one thing to not whine over, i suppose. i'll keep compiling. (;
i'll go out on a limb and say that this has been the whiniest week of the year, thus far.
for some reason i'm tired. i'm lacking in ANY focus. i feel like a broken microscope.
yeah, that about sums that up.
i can't blame it on anything. can't chalk it up to pms or full moon or taxes. well, taxes might fit.
i'm just whiny and anti-social. i've devolved into reading so many books that i don't know which one i read last. that's always a sign to me that i have got to get out and do something. and i have a lot to do. just need a cattle prod to get going. maybe a cheerleader with a good supply of shiraz.
perhaps just a weekend of paint fumes. (; that, and dan's spygame on friday, and the thought of a few battlestar galactica eps waiting in the wings. that show really does rock. the proverbial "they" did a superb job writing it, and the acting is outstanding. lots of nice themes, pretty pictures, arresting ideas.
there's one thing to not whine over, i suppose. i'll keep compiling. (;
Sunday, February 06, 2005
zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
i'm tired.
not that sunday, i don't want to go to work tomorrow tired.
burned out. used up. i'm ready for a vacation. now i'm just waiting for the vacation calendar so i know when i have a week off, during which i plan on doing two things: sleeping in and finding a car.
right now it's 9 o'clock and i'm ready to climb into bed. which i think i just might do.
my sister, dan and i drove up to st cloud today for lunch w/ mom, dad, beth and david. it was nice to get together. we'd been hoping to have a big party but the rents had a lions' club thing on saturday so it was just close family on sunday. my sister's new hubby had to drive to milwaukee for a family emergency. wish him luck with his pop, okay all? it's not life threatening but it's stress. stress is stress.
a year ago today i was sitting in the hospital with dad, massaging his shoulders and tonight, sewing a rice bag to throw in the microwave and heat up to ease the pain in his shoulders.
this year i was sitting at a table, eating turkey and potatoes with lots of garlic, and laughing my ass off at my odd and bizarre family. my cheeks hurt and i feel as though i've had a good abs workout.
my parents are very different than they were a year and two days ago. they've changed their diet completely--no more fast food, mainly very low fat, low sodium, low sugar. lost weight, they look great and have more energy, and a new focus on life in general. dad's looking to retire in july already. yay dad!!!
it is strange how a change in your thought process can change your life so completely. focus it down, on the important things--family, friends, enjoying the time you're given. so much of life is spent on making ends meet and getting by that roses are forgotten and the sand runs through and dumps on the ground, for many people.
i think i drank my beer too quickly. in fact, i'm downright maudlin. night kids. (:
not that sunday, i don't want to go to work tomorrow tired.
burned out. used up. i'm ready for a vacation. now i'm just waiting for the vacation calendar so i know when i have a week off, during which i plan on doing two things: sleeping in and finding a car.
right now it's 9 o'clock and i'm ready to climb into bed. which i think i just might do.
my sister, dan and i drove up to st cloud today for lunch w/ mom, dad, beth and david. it was nice to get together. we'd been hoping to have a big party but the rents had a lions' club thing on saturday so it was just close family on sunday. my sister's new hubby had to drive to milwaukee for a family emergency. wish him luck with his pop, okay all? it's not life threatening but it's stress. stress is stress.
a year ago today i was sitting in the hospital with dad, massaging his shoulders and tonight, sewing a rice bag to throw in the microwave and heat up to ease the pain in his shoulders.
this year i was sitting at a table, eating turkey and potatoes with lots of garlic, and laughing my ass off at my odd and bizarre family. my cheeks hurt and i feel as though i've had a good abs workout.
my parents are very different than they were a year and two days ago. they've changed their diet completely--no more fast food, mainly very low fat, low sodium, low sugar. lost weight, they look great and have more energy, and a new focus on life in general. dad's looking to retire in july already. yay dad!!!
it is strange how a change in your thought process can change your life so completely. focus it down, on the important things--family, friends, enjoying the time you're given. so much of life is spent on making ends meet and getting by that roses are forgotten and the sand runs through and dumps on the ground, for many people.
i think i drank my beer too quickly. in fact, i'm downright maudlin. night kids. (:
Friday, February 04, 2005
falling
i slipped
today on a patch of gravel and ice
felt the world turn
side
ways
sometimes you just can't
keep your
balance
your purchase on earth
tilts
your knees meet
in gravity's
nest
went to khan's today for lunch. i had WAY too much garlic on my food. and you know it has to be too much if i'm saying it's too much, because i'm a garlic hog.
i think i put on three scoops, and even after i was done eating the noodles and veggies and couldn't pick up the garlic bit by bit i used a fork.
yes, i'm addicted to garlic.
i know it's good in moderation, like all things, i suppose. i can still taste it lingering in my mouth. as with all things, it was nice and familiar for a while, but it's been over 8 hours since i ate lunch, and i've eaten other foods, drunk the last of my milk, depleted the brita, and brushed my teeth; and still it lingers.
today on a patch of gravel and ice
felt the world turn
side
ways
sometimes you just can't
keep your
balance
your purchase on earth
tilts
your knees meet
in gravity's
nest
went to khan's today for lunch. i had WAY too much garlic on my food. and you know it has to be too much if i'm saying it's too much, because i'm a garlic hog.
i think i put on three scoops, and even after i was done eating the noodles and veggies and couldn't pick up the garlic bit by bit i used a fork.
yes, i'm addicted to garlic.
i know it's good in moderation, like all things, i suppose. i can still taste it lingering in my mouth. as with all things, it was nice and familiar for a while, but it's been over 8 hours since i ate lunch, and i've eaten other foods, drunk the last of my milk, depleted the brita, and brushed my teeth; and still it lingers.
Thursday, February 03, 2005
stealing tomorrow
so i get sidetracked easily. anyone who knows me is aware of this. shiny, glittery objects, as well as things that look boring, are all quite distracting to me.
today it was time. i asked dan the other day if he wanted to go out at some point. today i got done with work early and it seemed natural that he would say, so what're we up to tonight?
and i, of course, said, um, i dunno.
i never plan anything. it just doesn't occur to me. if i plan something it falls through, or just never comes to fruition. i always overthink things, too. if i do something today, how will it affect tomorrow, so on and so forth. i talk myself into avoidance.
it's strange to think about it like that. it's like i'm cheating myself out of time by trying to avoid being shackled by it. i'm not sure i'd be able to change if someone paid me. i just don't like having to think, when i'm not being paid at work to think about it, what i should do next, and like even less having to decide.
what's the difference between losing time as i sit here typing and not planning tomorrow or just waiting and wasting time then?
cari's tony said something at one point about not being bound by the constraints of time.
maybe i ought to be? i'm not sure. time seems immortal enough that i'm never in a terrible rush, that i'm never worried about when i'll next see someone. it will happen when it happens, it will happen when it needs to happen.
can you be too much in the moment? so much that you miss out on living?
or am i just overthinking? can you steal your own tomorrow?
today it was time. i asked dan the other day if he wanted to go out at some point. today i got done with work early and it seemed natural that he would say, so what're we up to tonight?
and i, of course, said, um, i dunno.
i never plan anything. it just doesn't occur to me. if i plan something it falls through, or just never comes to fruition. i always overthink things, too. if i do something today, how will it affect tomorrow, so on and so forth. i talk myself into avoidance.
it's strange to think about it like that. it's like i'm cheating myself out of time by trying to avoid being shackled by it. i'm not sure i'd be able to change if someone paid me. i just don't like having to think, when i'm not being paid at work to think about it, what i should do next, and like even less having to decide.
what's the difference between losing time as i sit here typing and not planning tomorrow or just waiting and wasting time then?
cari's tony said something at one point about not being bound by the constraints of time.
maybe i ought to be? i'm not sure. time seems immortal enough that i'm never in a terrible rush, that i'm never worried about when i'll next see someone. it will happen when it happens, it will happen when it needs to happen.
can you be too much in the moment? so much that you miss out on living?
or am i just overthinking? can you steal your own tomorrow?
Tuesday, February 01, 2005
here, kitty kitty kitty...
so today we ran to the vet. shiva's been really sniffly lately, thought it had cleared up but yesterday it just got worse--snuffling, sneezing, puking. she kept itching an ear, too, so i finally broke down and called.
she was VERY well behaved, which is odd only because the last time we took her to the vet, she turned into a hell spawn feline and despite the fact that she was wrapped in a towel, dan was glad he had on gloves.
today she was so under the weather that he picked her up and put her in, and she didn't even meow.
the vet said she's in good shape, no ear infection, no cold. from her symptoms and checking her out, he thinks she's got food allergies or allergies in general. her little nose is swollen a bit, and her ears and paws are scratchy. in thinking about it while she was in the lab, dan and i realized that back when we had the backhall tsunami, we'd had to toss her old food and get new stuff...luckily we had some of the old stuff leftover, so the purina got packed up and we're back on the iams diet again. hopefully this will clear things up. if not, it's back in for some cortizone, but at least we have a start.
additionally, it appears that a tooth pulling is in her near future. one of her lower teeth is inflamed at the gum level, and the vet said that we could wait a bit and then have to remove it. yay.
but she's healthy, which is a boon. and he said she had the softest coat of any cat he'd ever met.
maybe he says that to all the kitties. (;
she was VERY well behaved, which is odd only because the last time we took her to the vet, she turned into a hell spawn feline and despite the fact that she was wrapped in a towel, dan was glad he had on gloves.
today she was so under the weather that he picked her up and put her in, and she didn't even meow.
the vet said she's in good shape, no ear infection, no cold. from her symptoms and checking her out, he thinks she's got food allergies or allergies in general. her little nose is swollen a bit, and her ears and paws are scratchy. in thinking about it while she was in the lab, dan and i realized that back when we had the backhall tsunami, we'd had to toss her old food and get new stuff...luckily we had some of the old stuff leftover, so the purina got packed up and we're back on the iams diet again. hopefully this will clear things up. if not, it's back in for some cortizone, but at least we have a start.
additionally, it appears that a tooth pulling is in her near future. one of her lower teeth is inflamed at the gum level, and the vet said that we could wait a bit and then have to remove it. yay.
but she's healthy, which is a boon. and he said she had the softest coat of any cat he'd ever met.
maybe he says that to all the kitties. (;
Saturday, January 29, 2005
jack and coke, please...
so lately i've been thinking about how there's two things i really want to devote a blog to. the first is my grandma altobelli.
maybe i'll expand more later, but grandma's got alzheimer's, and she's really not grandma any longer. i find it difficult to visit her, because she doesn't know who i am, and being around a large group of people makes her nervous...which is difficult to avoid in our family because everyone travels in large italian-slovenian packs.
anyway, i've been feeling like a bum because when i have the chance to see her--like before christmas--i didn't take it. i squelched out on it. mainly because it's so hard to see her and know that she's not yours, not anymore. it scares me because it's a reminder that perhaps i'm not too far away from assuming my mother's role in her mother's life, so on and so forth. and that makes me feel a strange need to reproduce, if only to further the genetic strain and have my daughter come visit me when i think i haven't had children.
i'll get over it. i know i will. there's probably not a lot of time left, i suppose, in all reality. but the gal i knew, when i was younger, has been gone for a few years now, replaced by this other woman who feels uncomfortable around me--i like my memories the way they are, edited for content, happy and well-fed in grandma ursh's warm little kitchen.
the other thing i've been wanting to write about is dad's one year birthday. on 2.5.05 he will celebrate a year of his re-furbished heart. i haven't been doing very well with dad's low fat diet lately, or exercising more, all those things i promised myself i would do. i try, i really, really do, but then something like last night happens, and a lot of liquor later, i think, that probably wasn't very healthy. i think there was a line in smilla's sense of snow: an overall poisoning of the organism. one drink is good, two is fine, three is pushing it, and by five i should have known better. i think.
anyway it's been a year since my family gathered in that room, prayed to ourselves as they operated. it's hard to imagine that now--that whole day was so surreal, so strange and on edge, and yet there was a lot of laughter sprinkled in the mix. i remember that morning, getting up and dad was already gone from the house, and there was a moment when we wondered if we should shower or not...should we wait, would it matter. so we showered and primped, just because it felt nice and normal.
then we went to the hospital. thought we would just sit in the regular waiting area but they had rooms set aside, with televisions and comfy chairs. it was a good thing we had a door on the room because there was a lot of roaring laughter after my sister brought out her 7th grade papers to read through. the kids were writing about trekking through the oregon trail, but it was hard to keep their modern thoughts--ie, one wrote about stopping at macdonald's on the way--out of the historical context. we watched tv, walked around some, had lunch, generally bothered everyone in the waiting area because for a group of people whose dad was undergoing open heart surgery, we were pretty full of laughter.
i remember the nurse came in and briefed us a few times--once when they started, once when they put him on the heart-lung machine, and then again later, when we were all nervous because according to the previous report, he should have been done. they finished at 245, about three hours later than originally planned. the doctor came down to the room--dr pineda--and let us in on why things took so long. they'd done 6 bypasses, total--and then when he was done, he didn't like the way one looked, so he re-did it. good to know. halfway through his soft-spoken explanation, he got a phone call from a nurse, who was trying to tell him that he needed to come up to the room because a patient was having problems with the iv in his arm. either the dr couldn't hear very well or just wasn't paying attention to her; his cell was so loud that we all knew it was the man's right arm, and there was an issue with his iv. finally the nurse shouted through the phone, after a particularly slow interchange of the dr still not understanding which iv was causing problems, "the right arm, you know, like the one holding your phone." we all stifled giggles.
i remember how long his fingers were. long and slender.
we moved around a bit after that. went upstairs and made short work of the phone list, what with everyone having a cell phone with them. then sat around for a bit before he was moved to icu and we could see him again.
that was the hardest part of the day, and the happiest, too.
dad was all stuck up on this bed, and the nurse in attendence said that he had sparked up when he heard our voices. i didn't cry then, i hadn't cried all day. as i write this it makes me tear up a little, thinking. he didn't open his eyes, had a ventilator down his throat, looked pale and a bit jaundiced, and his blood pressure was very, very low, but he was moving his feet (which is a normal dad thing, he does that when he gets into bed, or while just sitting on the couch, moves his feet around and crosses and uncrosses them) but he was too weak to do much more. mom and i moved over to the bed so we could kiss him, and he got agitated, like he could hear through all the layers of gook he was pumped with, all the knock you out COLD stuff, that we really were there. i leaned over and said: just be still dad, just be quiet and heal. and he nodded.
that was the happiest point of the day. i knew that everything would be okay, then. gave up worry. even if everything had turned for the worst, dad knew i was there, he'd acknowledged, and he calmed down some.
out of all the things in my life, any difference i made, that is the one that i carry with me, that little nod. it was almost like absolution.
we laid around the waiting room some more, talked with another woman whose mother was in icu for something else, and eventually went home, slowly, filled with weary joy.
you measure life differently, after things happen that change you. it's been five years since corey, one year since dad had his bypasses. three years, this year, since i left bemidji, and soon a two years since vickie died, too. it doesn't seem like that long.
yesterday it was one year since i'd seen my friend veronica. last time i saw her was the year end party for work last year. last night was fun, but i missed my friends--serena, veronica. i have new ones now, people who are just as funny and amusing, in a different way. i'm glad i went.
it's just a dichotomy, always--that sense of continuing, with all these aspects within. i think of the earth mother--maiden, mother, crone--three in one. the seasons, turning and turning. world without end, amen.
i'll have another heineken, please.
maybe i'll expand more later, but grandma's got alzheimer's, and she's really not grandma any longer. i find it difficult to visit her, because she doesn't know who i am, and being around a large group of people makes her nervous...which is difficult to avoid in our family because everyone travels in large italian-slovenian packs.
anyway, i've been feeling like a bum because when i have the chance to see her--like before christmas--i didn't take it. i squelched out on it. mainly because it's so hard to see her and know that she's not yours, not anymore. it scares me because it's a reminder that perhaps i'm not too far away from assuming my mother's role in her mother's life, so on and so forth. and that makes me feel a strange need to reproduce, if only to further the genetic strain and have my daughter come visit me when i think i haven't had children.
i'll get over it. i know i will. there's probably not a lot of time left, i suppose, in all reality. but the gal i knew, when i was younger, has been gone for a few years now, replaced by this other woman who feels uncomfortable around me--i like my memories the way they are, edited for content, happy and well-fed in grandma ursh's warm little kitchen.
the other thing i've been wanting to write about is dad's one year birthday. on 2.5.05 he will celebrate a year of his re-furbished heart. i haven't been doing very well with dad's low fat diet lately, or exercising more, all those things i promised myself i would do. i try, i really, really do, but then something like last night happens, and a lot of liquor later, i think, that probably wasn't very healthy. i think there was a line in smilla's sense of snow: an overall poisoning of the organism. one drink is good, two is fine, three is pushing it, and by five i should have known better. i think.
anyway it's been a year since my family gathered in that room, prayed to ourselves as they operated. it's hard to imagine that now--that whole day was so surreal, so strange and on edge, and yet there was a lot of laughter sprinkled in the mix. i remember that morning, getting up and dad was already gone from the house, and there was a moment when we wondered if we should shower or not...should we wait, would it matter. so we showered and primped, just because it felt nice and normal.
then we went to the hospital. thought we would just sit in the regular waiting area but they had rooms set aside, with televisions and comfy chairs. it was a good thing we had a door on the room because there was a lot of roaring laughter after my sister brought out her 7th grade papers to read through. the kids were writing about trekking through the oregon trail, but it was hard to keep their modern thoughts--ie, one wrote about stopping at macdonald's on the way--out of the historical context. we watched tv, walked around some, had lunch, generally bothered everyone in the waiting area because for a group of people whose dad was undergoing open heart surgery, we were pretty full of laughter.
i remember the nurse came in and briefed us a few times--once when they started, once when they put him on the heart-lung machine, and then again later, when we were all nervous because according to the previous report, he should have been done. they finished at 245, about three hours later than originally planned. the doctor came down to the room--dr pineda--and let us in on why things took so long. they'd done 6 bypasses, total--and then when he was done, he didn't like the way one looked, so he re-did it. good to know. halfway through his soft-spoken explanation, he got a phone call from a nurse, who was trying to tell him that he needed to come up to the room because a patient was having problems with the iv in his arm. either the dr couldn't hear very well or just wasn't paying attention to her; his cell was so loud that we all knew it was the man's right arm, and there was an issue with his iv. finally the nurse shouted through the phone, after a particularly slow interchange of the dr still not understanding which iv was causing problems, "the right arm, you know, like the one holding your phone." we all stifled giggles.
i remember how long his fingers were. long and slender.
we moved around a bit after that. went upstairs and made short work of the phone list, what with everyone having a cell phone with them. then sat around for a bit before he was moved to icu and we could see him again.
that was the hardest part of the day, and the happiest, too.
dad was all stuck up on this bed, and the nurse in attendence said that he had sparked up when he heard our voices. i didn't cry then, i hadn't cried all day. as i write this it makes me tear up a little, thinking. he didn't open his eyes, had a ventilator down his throat, looked pale and a bit jaundiced, and his blood pressure was very, very low, but he was moving his feet (which is a normal dad thing, he does that when he gets into bed, or while just sitting on the couch, moves his feet around and crosses and uncrosses them) but he was too weak to do much more. mom and i moved over to the bed so we could kiss him, and he got agitated, like he could hear through all the layers of gook he was pumped with, all the knock you out COLD stuff, that we really were there. i leaned over and said: just be still dad, just be quiet and heal. and he nodded.
that was the happiest point of the day. i knew that everything would be okay, then. gave up worry. even if everything had turned for the worst, dad knew i was there, he'd acknowledged, and he calmed down some.
out of all the things in my life, any difference i made, that is the one that i carry with me, that little nod. it was almost like absolution.
we laid around the waiting room some more, talked with another woman whose mother was in icu for something else, and eventually went home, slowly, filled with weary joy.
you measure life differently, after things happen that change you. it's been five years since corey, one year since dad had his bypasses. three years, this year, since i left bemidji, and soon a two years since vickie died, too. it doesn't seem like that long.
yesterday it was one year since i'd seen my friend veronica. last time i saw her was the year end party for work last year. last night was fun, but i missed my friends--serena, veronica. i have new ones now, people who are just as funny and amusing, in a different way. i'm glad i went.
it's just a dichotomy, always--that sense of continuing, with all these aspects within. i think of the earth mother--maiden, mother, crone--three in one. the seasons, turning and turning. world without end, amen.
i'll have another heineken, please.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
two minute blog
it takes me at least twenty minutes to shower and get ready to go to work, which means that right now, being 813 am, i need to write and post in two minutes so i can still get ready and be there around the right time.
this week has been kind of a roller coaster. monday was bumpy-ish, tuesday was semi-normal, wednesday was fun, and now it's thursday, and i've no desire to go to work.
tomorrow, however, is our year end party, and that's always...interesting.
the snow is melting outside, which makes me kind of sad. i want it to hang around. it's like a good friend that shows up and then just as abruptly heads back on out. *sigh*
also picked up kim harrison's new book yesterday, while walking around the moa w/ rene, so far so good. if only i didn't need to sleep. (;
and last but not least, i had the medium salsa last night while at chipotle and it was a bit too hot for me. so, note to self, maybe not the hot stuff next time...
one addendum to NATHAN: i emailed you, but it came to my yahoo account...so i don't know if i actually emailed you or not. i sent it from discombobulated site...? any ideas? and i did indeed listen to 89.3 last night, it was lovely!!! nice and refreshing. they played some of everything. i'm keeping it on that station for a bit.
two minute blog is two minutes too long, must run!
this week has been kind of a roller coaster. monday was bumpy-ish, tuesday was semi-normal, wednesday was fun, and now it's thursday, and i've no desire to go to work.
tomorrow, however, is our year end party, and that's always...interesting.
the snow is melting outside, which makes me kind of sad. i want it to hang around. it's like a good friend that shows up and then just as abruptly heads back on out. *sigh*
also picked up kim harrison's new book yesterday, while walking around the moa w/ rene, so far so good. if only i didn't need to sleep. (;
and last but not least, i had the medium salsa last night while at chipotle and it was a bit too hot for me. so, note to self, maybe not the hot stuff next time...
one addendum to NATHAN: i emailed you, but it came to my yahoo account...so i don't know if i actually emailed you or not. i sent it from discombobulated site...? any ideas? and i did indeed listen to 89.3 last night, it was lovely!!! nice and refreshing. they played some of everything. i'm keeping it on that station for a bit.
two minute blog is two minutes too long, must run!
Monday, January 24, 2005
comprehension
sometimes
i take that back all the time
it's hard for me to
understand
your mind
maybe i don't have enough
fabric
in my own
the tarp of my brain
can't handle trying to wrap
itself around yours
maybe i've just used it up
maybe there's nothing left
but scraps,
piecework, the bits
and slices
lemons are to lemonade
as mud is to mudpies
that mother speech resides
in my dna.
perhaps the worst is yet
to come.
so brace yourself, bridget.
complete comprehension of life
can be located
at the corner of 35E and yankee doodle road.
perhaps you've been given
the keys
to
joy
i take that back all the time
it's hard for me to
understand
your mind
maybe i don't have enough
fabric
in my own
the tarp of my brain
can't handle trying to wrap
itself around yours
maybe i've just used it up
maybe there's nothing left
but scraps,
piecework, the bits
and slices
lemons are to lemonade
as mud is to mudpies
that mother speech resides
in my dna.
perhaps the worst is yet
to come.
so brace yourself, bridget.
complete comprehension of life
can be located
at the corner of 35E and yankee doodle road.
perhaps you've been given
the keys
to
joy
Sunday, January 23, 2005
snow
i was sooooooooooo beyond pleased on friday.
there were two things i really, really wanted to do--be dumped on by mother nature, in the form of a few flakes, and listen to the dust for life cd. it didn't look like either was going to happen, as originally the forecast was for 1-4 inches and lately that forecast means a dusting. and we couldn't find the dust for life cd anywhere.
so thursday we find the cd. friday morning, it's the only cd in my car, because i still haven't gotten around to putting the car cd thing back in the car after last weekend's foray to the hinterlands. (:
of course, by 330, we're in a winter weather warning. yippee!
so i got my snow, and i got stuck in my car for over an hour on the drive home, with horrible radio reception and just one cd to loop around...by listen numero 4 i was ready for a different cd.
that, in a nutshell, is karma.
wish for something enough, and it's given to you.
teresa used to do callings for things--you make a spell, or pray or just ask the universe enough, and eventually, it will come to you. the how is for the fates to decide, or god, or whoever is on the other end of that spiritual phoneline, whatever you believe.
i asked for snow; it's out there, for the sharing.
there were two things i really, really wanted to do--be dumped on by mother nature, in the form of a few flakes, and listen to the dust for life cd. it didn't look like either was going to happen, as originally the forecast was for 1-4 inches and lately that forecast means a dusting. and we couldn't find the dust for life cd anywhere.
so thursday we find the cd. friday morning, it's the only cd in my car, because i still haven't gotten around to putting the car cd thing back in the car after last weekend's foray to the hinterlands. (:
of course, by 330, we're in a winter weather warning. yippee!
so i got my snow, and i got stuck in my car for over an hour on the drive home, with horrible radio reception and just one cd to loop around...by listen numero 4 i was ready for a different cd.
that, in a nutshell, is karma.
wish for something enough, and it's given to you.
teresa used to do callings for things--you make a spell, or pray or just ask the universe enough, and eventually, it will come to you. the how is for the fates to decide, or god, or whoever is on the other end of that spiritual phoneline, whatever you believe.
i asked for snow; it's out there, for the sharing.
Friday, January 21, 2005
these dreams...
was just looking at a friend's blog and she posted a few days ago about a horrible dream she had.
now, for anyone who knows me, i'm a very vivid dreamer. i usually remember all the dreams i have during the night. serena once told me that meant i wasn't sleeping well because if you wake up and can remember the dream, you're not completing your rem cycle. i think. course it's early right now and i'm kinda wonky yet.
anyhow, reading that, i realized that i couldn't remember any dream from last night. stranger still, i know the last time i remember dreaming was when i was in the vortex last weekend.
(which was a great deal of fun. quick synopsis: got up there sat am, hung out with rene and kendall for a bit before kendall's b-day party at the roller rink, which i did not attend...because i stopped over at first impressions and cari took one look at my head of hair, which was beginning to take on its own existence, and told me to sit in her chair. so hair is now fixed. caught some late lunch at tutto bene which is always delish and i'd been jonesing for their spicy tomato soup for a long time, then went back to cari's and drank some wine--i'll not disclose amounts LOL--and then headed over to the northern inn to see michael perform. as usual he was hysterically funny, and we laughed our asses off. his opener was this bald guy from iowa who just wasn't very funny. maybe it was the "red headed little boys are ugly" stuff. i kinda took offense. *sigh* but i did come up with a new swear word while there, due to the iowa guy's set--cookiefucker. don't ask. it's not as good as pumpkinfucker but it has a certain homestyle twist, don't you think? anyway we sat around after michael's set and had drinks, and then stopped down to hard times because i think his name was bill had a hookup or something. then amanda and cari and i had breakfast/dinner at 2 am at country kitchen. next morning i woke up to the peircing cry of tony changing the batteries in the smoke alarm and thought i was going to make a skylight in the spare room...so we watched some evan farmer and andrew dan-jumbo on while you were out and then went to the american legion for pancakes, and then i got in my pocket car and drove to st cloud...was there for about 45 minutes before racing back to the cities again to drop off the car, and then went home and collapsed. which is really honestly what needed to happen because this week has SUCKED!!! LOL)
so. i had this dream while i was in bemidji. dreamed that cari and i were on a bus, a yellow school bus, in france, driving across the countryside with a large group of people. there was another bus behind us, and another in front, but gradually they moved away and it was just our bus, filled with tourists, i think. i was ogling the countryside, which appeared to be straight out of any "french countryside" calendar you've ever seen, so it was very pretty in a soothing way.
the driver turned out to be freakishly old--i'm talking like 150 or something, just this wizened little old frenchman. he maintained that he'd been driving for years--a lot of them, i'd venture--and that he knew the road very well. good thing, too, because there were these huge potholes that made west duluth look positively flat. all of a sudden we take this detour across a field, bouncing and jouncing and it's not as even as the happy green grass makes it look. we at some point exit the bus and the driver continues on and wraps the front around a large tree.
everyone is crying because we don't know when the next bus will be past and no one has a cell phone or there is no range, i don't know. cari and i are cool headed and calm, and we walk to this pastorage a few miles back and gather up blankets and food, go back and find an empty barn and get the troup settled for the night. next day another bus shows up and we're given some kind of commendation for keeping everyone sane, fed and warm. huh?
it was strange but not as strange as the spider dream. turns out that spider hangs up in half price books in apple valley. large, black, stuffed, with neon green stripes on its joints and big pasted on felt eyes. and yes, in the dream i knew the spider was stuffed. but it was the lead up that got me. LOL
quickly before i have to run to work: we're in virginia mn for a party. i'm walking to meet dan somewhere and cursing his name because he's got the car and why should i be walking alone at 3 am. halfway there i come across a man killing a girl, a young asian girl. i fend him off with a stick or something (in the dream i don't have a purse! yikes!) and the cops show up. the girl reminds me that i have to stop by her parents' vegetable stand because they have something for my sister. so i stop by and these two cute parents hand me a plastic bag half full of cukes or something veggie-ish. i troop over to a community center that's under seige, sneak in through the air ducts, and try to give my sister the bag of veggies. she argues that i wasn't supposed to bring them to her, the family needs to sell them more. i try to get people out through the air ducts because the terrorists aren't looking, but sara shoos me out and i go back to the stand. the dad comes out and says that i have to take the veggies to the mother in back of the stand, so i go back and she's trying to kill this spider.
which is the spider that's hanging in half price books. i kid you not. big, stuffed, black with green knee joints, felt eyeballs pasted on its face, and this menacing mouth, also pasted on. it can't even gum a banana, and in the dream i'm terrified. we're throwing everything at this sucker, and it's still trying to come at us. in the dream i had this half-thought that this must be my subconcious laughing at me, and i start laughing, and then i wake up.
dan's dream, same night--he rescues a kitten and we survive a plane crash.
linear thinker versus chaotic thinker. or something like that.
dunno. all i know is this was going to be a quick postie and fuck it all, it's now 745 and i have to get ready for another day of bliss. :P the best thing about today, other than tomorrow i don't have to work? stargate sg1 season opener!!!!!!!! *does dance of joy in computer chair* o'neill and dr jackson and t'ealc, oh my!
now, for anyone who knows me, i'm a very vivid dreamer. i usually remember all the dreams i have during the night. serena once told me that meant i wasn't sleeping well because if you wake up and can remember the dream, you're not completing your rem cycle. i think. course it's early right now and i'm kinda wonky yet.
anyhow, reading that, i realized that i couldn't remember any dream from last night. stranger still, i know the last time i remember dreaming was when i was in the vortex last weekend.
(which was a great deal of fun. quick synopsis: got up there sat am, hung out with rene and kendall for a bit before kendall's b-day party at the roller rink, which i did not attend...because i stopped over at first impressions and cari took one look at my head of hair, which was beginning to take on its own existence, and told me to sit in her chair. so hair is now fixed. caught some late lunch at tutto bene which is always delish and i'd been jonesing for their spicy tomato soup for a long time, then went back to cari's and drank some wine--i'll not disclose amounts LOL--and then headed over to the northern inn to see michael perform. as usual he was hysterically funny, and we laughed our asses off. his opener was this bald guy from iowa who just wasn't very funny. maybe it was the "red headed little boys are ugly" stuff. i kinda took offense. *sigh* but i did come up with a new swear word while there, due to the iowa guy's set--cookiefucker. don't ask. it's not as good as pumpkinfucker but it has a certain homestyle twist, don't you think? anyway we sat around after michael's set and had drinks, and then stopped down to hard times because i think his name was bill had a hookup or something. then amanda and cari and i had breakfast/dinner at 2 am at country kitchen. next morning i woke up to the peircing cry of tony changing the batteries in the smoke alarm and thought i was going to make a skylight in the spare room...so we watched some evan farmer and andrew dan-jumbo on while you were out and then went to the american legion for pancakes, and then i got in my pocket car and drove to st cloud...was there for about 45 minutes before racing back to the cities again to drop off the car, and then went home and collapsed. which is really honestly what needed to happen because this week has SUCKED!!! LOL)
so. i had this dream while i was in bemidji. dreamed that cari and i were on a bus, a yellow school bus, in france, driving across the countryside with a large group of people. there was another bus behind us, and another in front, but gradually they moved away and it was just our bus, filled with tourists, i think. i was ogling the countryside, which appeared to be straight out of any "french countryside" calendar you've ever seen, so it was very pretty in a soothing way.
the driver turned out to be freakishly old--i'm talking like 150 or something, just this wizened little old frenchman. he maintained that he'd been driving for years--a lot of them, i'd venture--and that he knew the road very well. good thing, too, because there were these huge potholes that made west duluth look positively flat. all of a sudden we take this detour across a field, bouncing and jouncing and it's not as even as the happy green grass makes it look. we at some point exit the bus and the driver continues on and wraps the front around a large tree.
everyone is crying because we don't know when the next bus will be past and no one has a cell phone or there is no range, i don't know. cari and i are cool headed and calm, and we walk to this pastorage a few miles back and gather up blankets and food, go back and find an empty barn and get the troup settled for the night. next day another bus shows up and we're given some kind of commendation for keeping everyone sane, fed and warm. huh?
it was strange but not as strange as the spider dream. turns out that spider hangs up in half price books in apple valley. large, black, stuffed, with neon green stripes on its joints and big pasted on felt eyes. and yes, in the dream i knew the spider was stuffed. but it was the lead up that got me. LOL
quickly before i have to run to work: we're in virginia mn for a party. i'm walking to meet dan somewhere and cursing his name because he's got the car and why should i be walking alone at 3 am. halfway there i come across a man killing a girl, a young asian girl. i fend him off with a stick or something (in the dream i don't have a purse! yikes!) and the cops show up. the girl reminds me that i have to stop by her parents' vegetable stand because they have something for my sister. so i stop by and these two cute parents hand me a plastic bag half full of cukes or something veggie-ish. i troop over to a community center that's under seige, sneak in through the air ducts, and try to give my sister the bag of veggies. she argues that i wasn't supposed to bring them to her, the family needs to sell them more. i try to get people out through the air ducts because the terrorists aren't looking, but sara shoos me out and i go back to the stand. the dad comes out and says that i have to take the veggies to the mother in back of the stand, so i go back and she's trying to kill this spider.
which is the spider that's hanging in half price books. i kid you not. big, stuffed, black with green knee joints, felt eyeballs pasted on its face, and this menacing mouth, also pasted on. it can't even gum a banana, and in the dream i'm terrified. we're throwing everything at this sucker, and it's still trying to come at us. in the dream i had this half-thought that this must be my subconcious laughing at me, and i start laughing, and then i wake up.
dan's dream, same night--he rescues a kitten and we survive a plane crash.
linear thinker versus chaotic thinker. or something like that.
dunno. all i know is this was going to be a quick postie and fuck it all, it's now 745 and i have to get ready for another day of bliss. :P the best thing about today, other than tomorrow i don't have to work? stargate sg1 season opener!!!!!!!! *does dance of joy in computer chair* o'neill and dr jackson and t'ealc, oh my!
Saturday, January 15, 2005
so...
rented freedom comes in the form of a hyundai accent, dark gray. i thought it looked tiny (and it IS!) but the inside of the car reminds me soooooooooooo much of lupe that it makes driving easy.
the last car i rented was a 2003 mitsubishi galante and it was gi-huge-ic. i didn't know where anything was, but the plus was it was easy to find everything, being that it was all quite clearly marked.
let's see cons about this car i've got now...teeny enough to fit in my purse, has this overdrive button on the gear shift that i have nooooooo idea of what it means, so i've just left it on. seats feel strange. but then i'm used to my mazda la-z-boys. (; the hood has these strange creases that, for someone who is distracted by life in general, are very distracting. i keep thinking there something on the hood when in all acutality there's really not. also the windsheild washer squirter things (applicators? that sounds too high-tech for me.) anyway they stick up pretty far over the hood, and those are distracting too. *shrug* no cruise but i'm not terribly bothered by that.
pros: it's small, seems very fuel efficient thus far, and is cute in a could-fit-in-my-coat-pocket type of way. it also drives quite nicely, has a pretty good sized trunk, large windsheild and good sized side mirrors. (after driving my car, i got in dan's one day--he's got a chevy corsica--and was appalled that i could see so little in the mirrors. large side mirrors should SO not be a luxury item!) also the mirrors are electric, so i can move both sides from the driver's seat. (which could be a con because it was distracting me...LOL) anyway it's a nice car, for which i'm quite grateful.
when i got here last night--my parents' house in st cloud--it was dark and cold. cold outside, dark inside. mom and dad drove up to virginia this weekend to see my grandma, and my sister beth was at her christmas party. so i went in, called cari, found my phone charger, and then called the car rental place because they'd started my car, and then when i was getting in the guy said here's your other key. i was confused but that's a state of being so i put the key in my pocket. come to find out, i have one key for my car, and one key for a white chevy malibu. hee hee hee. he was very apologetic and glad that i'd called. yay me. anyway i was going to try to wait up for my sister to get home, but by 11 i had such a horrible headache that i just went to bed.
sad that friday nights have degenerated into go to sleep early nights. *sigh* oh, to be a few years younger and have more energy. cari and i were discussing the fact that the older you get, the more like flat pop you become. she said that if i was flat pop, she's made it to syrup.
anyhow...i'm going to go start the gray car and then find something to eat. which won't be hard, considering i'm at home and my mother is italian. god forbid there's not enough food for the mongolian hordes in her kitchen at any given moment. gotta love her. guess i do. (;
cheers, k(:
the last car i rented was a 2003 mitsubishi galante and it was gi-huge-ic. i didn't know where anything was, but the plus was it was easy to find everything, being that it was all quite clearly marked.
let's see cons about this car i've got now...teeny enough to fit in my purse, has this overdrive button on the gear shift that i have nooooooo idea of what it means, so i've just left it on. seats feel strange. but then i'm used to my mazda la-z-boys. (; the hood has these strange creases that, for someone who is distracted by life in general, are very distracting. i keep thinking there something on the hood when in all acutality there's really not. also the windsheild washer squirter things (applicators? that sounds too high-tech for me.) anyway they stick up pretty far over the hood, and those are distracting too. *shrug* no cruise but i'm not terribly bothered by that.
pros: it's small, seems very fuel efficient thus far, and is cute in a could-fit-in-my-coat-pocket type of way. it also drives quite nicely, has a pretty good sized trunk, large windsheild and good sized side mirrors. (after driving my car, i got in dan's one day--he's got a chevy corsica--and was appalled that i could see so little in the mirrors. large side mirrors should SO not be a luxury item!) also the mirrors are electric, so i can move both sides from the driver's seat. (which could be a con because it was distracting me...LOL) anyway it's a nice car, for which i'm quite grateful.
when i got here last night--my parents' house in st cloud--it was dark and cold. cold outside, dark inside. mom and dad drove up to virginia this weekend to see my grandma, and my sister beth was at her christmas party. so i went in, called cari, found my phone charger, and then called the car rental place because they'd started my car, and then when i was getting in the guy said here's your other key. i was confused but that's a state of being so i put the key in my pocket. come to find out, i have one key for my car, and one key for a white chevy malibu. hee hee hee. he was very apologetic and glad that i'd called. yay me. anyway i was going to try to wait up for my sister to get home, but by 11 i had such a horrible headache that i just went to bed.
sad that friday nights have degenerated into go to sleep early nights. *sigh* oh, to be a few years younger and have more energy. cari and i were discussing the fact that the older you get, the more like flat pop you become. she said that if i was flat pop, she's made it to syrup.
anyhow...i'm going to go start the gray car and then find something to eat. which won't be hard, considering i'm at home and my mother is italian. god forbid there's not enough food for the mongolian hordes in her kitchen at any given moment. gotta love her. guess i do. (;
cheers, k(:
Thursday, January 13, 2005
renting freedom
i'm renting a car tomorrow.
let me explain. (;
so monday i found out that my trainee michael is going to be performing in bemidji this weekend. i email cari and rene and amanda, to let them know about it.
tuesday i get an email from amanda: "are you driving up too?"
wednesday i get an email from rene: "i have a sitter this weekend, it's a sign, drive up."
thursday i call cari on a whim: "i was *just* going to call you and badger you into driving up."
so i rented the car. i think i'll drive up saturday morning, but it'll depend on how late i get done tomorrow and how tired i am.
i also need to stop and see my sister in st cloud because we're trying to plan (long distance planning BITES) a party for my dad on feb 5th--it's his one year bypass birthday! yay dad! he's doing swimmingly, and both him and mom have lost a lot of weight. probably about a fifth-grader, between the pair.
anyway i'm tired, i have a shitload of laundry to do (which is currently annexing the upstair hallway, my apologies dan and eero...and shiva too, even tho she couldn't care less and probably would be willing to sleep and/or poop on said laundry. mainly sleep tho. LOL) and i really, really, really need to get some of the crap off the floor upstairs.
i'm excited to go. i just wish i had more time!!! i need at least another fifteen hours a week, just to keep up with everything that goes on in the world--i guess self-centeredly, my world, my friends, my life.
i need to get my priorities in order and just find a new car so i don't have to rent to travel. but i'm kind of apathetic about car shopping, right now. so i guess it will wait until the following weekend.
i'm also hoping (hint, hint to dan) that we can start his spygame soon. i'm jazzed to play. i have to admit i've been enjoying eero's game a great deal despite not liking the palladium system; i like my character (who likes to make things burn) and i like the story. (:
anyway now i really need to do something! (:
let me explain. (;
so monday i found out that my trainee michael is going to be performing in bemidji this weekend. i email cari and rene and amanda, to let them know about it.
tuesday i get an email from amanda: "are you driving up too?"
wednesday i get an email from rene: "i have a sitter this weekend, it's a sign, drive up."
thursday i call cari on a whim: "i was *just* going to call you and badger you into driving up."
so i rented the car. i think i'll drive up saturday morning, but it'll depend on how late i get done tomorrow and how tired i am.
i also need to stop and see my sister in st cloud because we're trying to plan (long distance planning BITES) a party for my dad on feb 5th--it's his one year bypass birthday! yay dad! he's doing swimmingly, and both him and mom have lost a lot of weight. probably about a fifth-grader, between the pair.
anyway i'm tired, i have a shitload of laundry to do (which is currently annexing the upstair hallway, my apologies dan and eero...and shiva too, even tho she couldn't care less and probably would be willing to sleep and/or poop on said laundry. mainly sleep tho. LOL) and i really, really, really need to get some of the crap off the floor upstairs.
i'm excited to go. i just wish i had more time!!! i need at least another fifteen hours a week, just to keep up with everything that goes on in the world--i guess self-centeredly, my world, my friends, my life.
i need to get my priorities in order and just find a new car so i don't have to rent to travel. but i'm kind of apathetic about car shopping, right now. so i guess it will wait until the following weekend.
i'm also hoping (hint, hint to dan) that we can start his spygame soon. i'm jazzed to play. i have to admit i've been enjoying eero's game a great deal despite not liking the palladium system; i like my character (who likes to make things burn) and i like the story. (:
anyway now i really need to do something! (:
Sunday, January 09, 2005
ah, the sound of football...
gently playing in the background, like muzak that starts in autumn and ends in a coliseum in january.
it's inevitable that sundays are taken over by football. television viewing migrates to jamaica and we get peyton manning and randy moss and chris berman, who could. go. all. the. way.
at least i've been with dan long enough to understand the basics--what's a tackle and what's a sack, the fine line between first down and fourth. the touchback. etc.
i couldn't watch a game on my own and get the same joy out of it that dan does, because half the fun of watching football is seeing dan go nuts when there's a touchdown, or play sofa-ref alongside the striped guys onscreen. watching football, just me, myself and i, is somewhat silly, in my mind.
perhaps it's how i was raised. sunday football games were for dad and some guys from the neighborhood. the smell of sour cream and onion dip, potato chips, crisp grain belt beer in cans. we always asked for a sip, and then ran away making faces after the nastiness that was beer made our mouths rebel.
course now i type this having watched football yesterday, beer in hand. strange how eternal life is, in its own circle.
i've been so focused lately on my own mortality, on when the end will happen, for my own life. and then i think about history, how many people have lived and died and lived again, through their children, their contributions to humanity in books and movies and music and thought. i see kids in the world and i think about how, fifteen years from now, they'll be in my shoes, seeing the world through glasses tinted with time--how much time is left? how much? can i forget, day to day, that eventually this whole existence of mine will be for naught, that someday i'll be gone?
it doesn't bother me. i'm not scared of dying. it's the inevitability of it--there's nothing i can do, nothing i can say to avoid it. that part's not scary. it's the thought that i'm not giving anything to the earth at large, nothing of substance.
but if spirit is substance, if your soul has weight, then i give willingly.
i think of christian ideals, of christ saying "take of this body" and as i age understanding that it's not the body he was giving, but the idea of his spirit. or at least that's my take on it. doesn't make me christian any more than agreeing with my uncle makes me a member of the nra; just makes me realize that it's all interconnected. reminds me of the fates, sitting at the loom, weaving lives together, tying them off in neat knots.
behind me the annual festival of men in tight pants chasing dyed pigskin continues, the announcers debate and the commercials ensue, asking me to consider different car insurance while i'm on the planet. it's like my own version of continuation, at this exact moment. it'd go on with or without me, football. the nfl keeps turning. the football in the sky. etcetera.
my existentialist needs to shower. ta-ta, ya'll.
it's inevitable that sundays are taken over by football. television viewing migrates to jamaica and we get peyton manning and randy moss and chris berman, who could. go. all. the. way.
at least i've been with dan long enough to understand the basics--what's a tackle and what's a sack, the fine line between first down and fourth. the touchback. etc.
i couldn't watch a game on my own and get the same joy out of it that dan does, because half the fun of watching football is seeing dan go nuts when there's a touchdown, or play sofa-ref alongside the striped guys onscreen. watching football, just me, myself and i, is somewhat silly, in my mind.
perhaps it's how i was raised. sunday football games were for dad and some guys from the neighborhood. the smell of sour cream and onion dip, potato chips, crisp grain belt beer in cans. we always asked for a sip, and then ran away making faces after the nastiness that was beer made our mouths rebel.
course now i type this having watched football yesterday, beer in hand. strange how eternal life is, in its own circle.
i've been so focused lately on my own mortality, on when the end will happen, for my own life. and then i think about history, how many people have lived and died and lived again, through their children, their contributions to humanity in books and movies and music and thought. i see kids in the world and i think about how, fifteen years from now, they'll be in my shoes, seeing the world through glasses tinted with time--how much time is left? how much? can i forget, day to day, that eventually this whole existence of mine will be for naught, that someday i'll be gone?
it doesn't bother me. i'm not scared of dying. it's the inevitability of it--there's nothing i can do, nothing i can say to avoid it. that part's not scary. it's the thought that i'm not giving anything to the earth at large, nothing of substance.
but if spirit is substance, if your soul has weight, then i give willingly.
i think of christian ideals, of christ saying "take of this body" and as i age understanding that it's not the body he was giving, but the idea of his spirit. or at least that's my take on it. doesn't make me christian any more than agreeing with my uncle makes me a member of the nra; just makes me realize that it's all interconnected. reminds me of the fates, sitting at the loom, weaving lives together, tying them off in neat knots.
behind me the annual festival of men in tight pants chasing dyed pigskin continues, the announcers debate and the commercials ensue, asking me to consider different car insurance while i'm on the planet. it's like my own version of continuation, at this exact moment. it'd go on with or without me, football. the nfl keeps turning. the football in the sky. etcetera.
my existentialist needs to shower. ta-ta, ya'll.
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